• Member Since 3rd Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen 19 hours ago

TwilightsmyMare


Sequels1

E

A world of talking ponies?
Sounds pretty strange.
But if you ever find yourself there...
Well, you might find something you've been looking for your whole life.

Offical song for my fic (according to me at least) from chapters 6 untill the end.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROqTa1mn_qc&feature=branded

Chapters (15)
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Comments ( 266 )

I see? Problems are present here... I must continue reading

This is kinda hard to read, mostly because of the paragraphs(I've had that problem as well, just make a new paragraph before someone says something). Spelling could be better as well..
But, the storyline seems solid. HiEs, in my experience, are voted down just because they are HiEs(Which is wrong, but some can get boring). To combat that situation, throw in a twist(whatever you want, just make it interesting). Just fix up those grammar & spelling problems & you'll have a winner.

Don't tell the audience your entire plot in the synopsis. Tell them enough to get them interested, but don't tell them everything.
Also, try to stretch your brain a bit for some other ideas.

I enjoy this, but you need a prereader that's all

692021 Amen, Hetalia Britain.
My friend, you gotta try to add a new twist to the classic HiE fic idea. Something to make you stand out. Plus, you could use a proofreader. There are quite a few groups offering help, if you'd like.

I love TwixHuman stories (Twi & Me). This one is actually pretty good, but the whole HiE template has been played out many a time before. Add something to it that can set it apart from all of the rest. Restating what is said above, don't reveal the entire plot in your description. If I know what's going to happen, why read it? On a final note, you need a proofreader. Either that, or go through it yourself and make corrections. Other than those issues, I quite enjoyed it. :yay:

691840Thanks for the advice, I'll try to do that.

692021Ahh I see its my first. The way it was phrased on the entry seemed like they wanted you to add alot of detail. Not to worry theres many things i didn't mention.

Really good so far. I look forward to see what happens next!

You do need a proof reader as it was quite hard to read due to hardly any paragraphs. But other then that, great job! :pinkiehappy:

Loving this so far. Keep up the good work! :pinkiehappy:

Hmm... Not so much problems with cliche, as they are problems inherent to many entries in the genre. Setting aside grammar issues (which, if you want to be serious about this, please find a proofreader, because they are pretty glaring) you have the problem of things moving way too quickly. Granted, I'm stopping at the first chapter (sorry, but there isn't enough to convince me to read further) but there really isn't that much exposition between him showing up, then Twilight thinking nothing of letting him stay in the library.

And another thing, which I find a lot nowadays, is the main character (at least you're forthcoming about it being a self-insert) doesn't behave like a normal person when faced with these kinds of things. Only a sociopath would be okay with being trapped in another world for three months that quickly. Instead of writing what's convenient, honestly ask yourself how you would react in this situation if it actually happened. I doubt you would find it so easy to digest.

Also, there's a bit of inconsistency regarding knowledge of humans. Zecora and Twilight are apparently fully aware of them, but everyone else thinks he's a monster right away?

I'd like to offer a link to my own story, You Do (Not) Belong, to serve as a counterpoint to this, give it a look for some examples of more realistic approaches to this scenario. Yeah, yeah, shameless self-promotion, I know.

835878
Nothing wrong with a little self promotion. As for being a "normal" person? I've never been one and why would i want to be? lol
Zecora and Twilight are highly knowledgeable mares, no offence to the rest of Ponyville but...
As for the grammer issues I'll have to look into that for sure. Thought i was doing better with that lol Care to give me a small example?
Might help me recognise them easier.
Many thanks for the input. :twilightsheepish:

What could i do to prove myself?

Don't be a douche and work on the consistency of your capitalization. :rainbowwild:

896679
I'm not quiet sure what you mean? Is it proper to make all i's capital I's?

897705
actually yes, but that's the general rule, that and not confusing its and it's or there, their and they're. I'm not a grammar nazi, just a pronoun and capitalization nazi.

897735
Hmm... I'll have to try to work on that. The spelling/grammar program i use makes some suggestions but clearly I need to be paying attention as well. Thanks. :twilightsmile:

"Could I even?"
No, i just dont even
I accidentally
I dont even
dont even
alkdfjafgbahjvnfkjrhgvouhtbuobnajbavuerhboriun

Oh boy, this is gonna get awk-waaard. :trollestia:

one of the best storys i read so far. hope this ends in a happy end.

Watch him have a wet dream and THEN it will get awkward.

hopefully in the end rick and twi can find a way to be happy together and celestia and luna would be able to approve

A few errors, such as cource-->course, and one important one:

"and past courtesans who gathered in small groups and whispered while stealing glances at our backs." This is a children's show! You want courtiers, not courtesans.

Yes, please. Take out the courtesans. Courtesans are high-class prostitutes.

999152 Doh! :facehoof:
1000988 Fixed hehe My bad. :derpytongue2:

999015 Me too. Its my life after all. :scootangel:

*twitching eye* just say it... for the love of celestia! JUST SAY IT!!! :flutterrage:

1029609
Not so easy my friend. Even in the real world with someone you only like. Well its difficult for me.
But for an angel like Twilight?
I'm screwed. :rainbowlaugh:

Haha. (emotionless laugh) All according to plan...

So awesome!!! :rainbowdetermined2: You keep writing 'em and I'll keep reading 'em. Thank you for writing such a great story! :pinkiehappy:

hope they can come to an agreement with Celestia if she goes with her promsie of banishing rick if they cant send him home

They're going to develop more feelz for eachother, then *BAM*, he gets sent back, lives rest of his as a depressed, social recluse who pushes everyone away from him. He'll never love again.
:twilightsheepish:




What? I'm french.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png

990286 that or him waking up with morning wood lol

1104261 Thats why I've got the boxer shorts. :derpytongue2:

Hmm. I wonder what it would feel like to get your ass handed to you by a pony... Oh well. On with the reading then!

even if he does like you it’s not like that

Hoho, having some conflicting feelings, eh Rick?

wow, this story is freakin awesome! Cant wait to hear more.... Still hoping that things end well (All that comes to mind is celestia saying, "unless Circumstances change")

So, a fierce rouge storm, that just so happens to be centred on Twilight and Rick?????

Time for a completely unfounded assumption, but after he met with Luna there is some evidence....
perhaps it was the princesses testing Rick to see if her would protect one not of his race, or flee
like a coward. As he told her, the atrocities committed by the last lot of humans to come to this world
pale in comparison to what we do to each other these day, so they have a right to be suspicious.

Also, Shining and Cadence having a foal, is it going to be called Rick, by any chance???

1168044
An intersting idea. But I won't ruin anything. Food for thought though.
As for the foal, nah. Rick Armor? Might get em teased at school too much. :derpytongue2:

1174417 Yeah. didn't think of the possible bullying, but on the other hand/hoof, would you really want to bully
the son/daughter of the captain of the royal guard, and niece/nephew of the Element of Magic, who just so happens
to be the personal student of Celestia??

Think I'd rather face off against NNM, Discord, the Changeling army, and being a Halo fan, the entire Covenant armada
at the same time, Whilst armed with a stick.

And "but I won't ruing anything"??? Are you paraspritng me?? Not happened to me on here, so that will be a first!!!

But still:th09.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/040/6/3/don__t_feed_the_parasprites_by_pixelkitties-d4p5ngw.png

1174565
I simply ment I won't confirm or deny your theory so as not to ruin what will happen. :twilightsmile:

On a different note I found this song on Youtube and it so closely encompasses my story its kind of scary.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROqTa1mn_qc&list=LLXl3DQ2jSCPrBvvbPSRVDBg&feature=mh_lolz
And I'm a bit addicted to it, been listening to it ALOT. lol :pinkiehappy:

It's so frustrating with the two ...
Three simple words ...

hopefully the princesses would be able to sort this out somehow

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