I just recently started to write stories directly towards the FiM actively, though I have been writing for years, publishing numerous stories at Mibba and the eventual pony story, as far as to the MLP
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While on a vacation to Earth, Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle decided on taking a Human with them home to Equestria.
Twilight Sparkle had taken the precaution, and brought a few useful books with her. Certain the literature should help her out, if and when she was to need it.
Of course, how does one take the Human over the border? Having only the two saddle bags in which to carry everything they intend to take with them, the space is in premium, just to add salt to the bare flesh.
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Good premise but I find it hard to see what is going on. A little more detail in the settings.
The biggest issue here is that you said this was from Pinkie's point of view. I am afraid that this doesn't seem to suit anyone except maybe Twilight. That's even if you're going with Pinkie being a genius. Her words aren't Pinkie. It's a bit confusing and quite frankly not bubbly or random enough.
It's just flat.
Yet I still would like to read more...
6644130 Thanks, and I guess this chapter is a bit rushed on some parts. I was forced to write a new introduction in order to have it approved in the first place, that part was a complete success, you have seen it.
I could have added more details to this section, a few suggestions would go a long way towards that end.
It is Pinkie Pie's view, just because it is she who is introducing the story. On that note, we have sen her as serious; dead serious, aside from depressed and down, and a few other modes as well.
They have hammered in this part, alright. She has been bored, because they ignored her and left her out on so many missions, by now.
I like painting her as the genius, as well as the organised Pony. She may have been oblivious to some of her earlier problems in the past, but this isn't her all that much.
Are you referring to the Narrative, or her actually spoken lines here? I am not sure if her antics has to be in the Narration, just because she use all these childish, crazy and strange Pink expressions every now and then.
If anything is confusing at this point, I could take suggestions. Would you please be so kind to elaborate.
As to the more optimistic and bubbly part, that should be coming forwas from the next chapter. Inviting a few to throw a party, as it were.
i personally don't care how you write your characters but this right here is just improper use of dialog. talking about what your doing while your doing it is not natural and really kills any kind of flow you got going. dialog should be just like a natural conversation to work and until you have a better idea of how to write it i would recommend recording yourself reading your own dialog and listening to it. if it doesn't feel like it belongs in a C grade horror film then your golden, if it does then rewrite it and try again. i think it is the dialog that is your biggest problem at this point, if you can fix that then it will be a big step in the right direction.
6649067 Thanks for pointing out the issue, I have made a few changes to his section now.
Not sure if what it is what you had in mind, or what you were hoping for, but it should at least be considerably better than it was before. I will have to go over the section more later, too.
Granted, this section was rushed through as a more or less temporary vehicle to publish the story.
Still a bit fast-paced and I'm left with questions. Did they already decide to take people back with them? Why? And Sapphire, Ruby, and Opal...what do they look like? They weren't described at all. In fact, the clerk was better described. If you're gonna introduce characters, give us some hints as to what they look like.
On the other paw, I did get a sense of their personality. This time around I also had a better sense of each person's movements and setting. So good job!!! You're getting there. The dialogue was much better this time as well. I could hear Pinkie and Twilight's voices as I read. So again it looks good.
6644392 SO it's good to hear you're going with genius, organized Pinkie. That side of her doesn't get enough love. The part that was bugging the most was indeed her spoken lines. What's inside her head doesn't have to be what she says, right? (I hope not, otherwise that pony wouldn't be able to function much less make the laws of reality her toy.)
Other than that, I think it was just a terminal case of rushing.
6652753
Apparently, the show Canon has permitted her to grow, develop and shine.
She was made out as too much of the AirHead in the earlier seasons. Some people did take that part over the top.
Personally, I do enjoy the way Pinkie can do, what Pinkie can do. Just because she has the Jolly spirit, doesn't make her just a done goof, she knows, remembers and plans ahead. I like to see how she is out-planning even Twilight on the go.
I wrote the chapter in order to explain the situation and motivate the story within the FiM. Since she went to the castle, not Twilight going to Pinkie; I felt this was best from Pinkie Pie's view. There will be more Pink, but not to the exclusion of all else.
Even i it seems as if she s spilling her beans on occasion, but she doesn't explain everything that goes on in there. On that note, if she was doing that, she would have to be blurting it constantly, as if it was a torrent.
I did write the first one a bit too rushed. Now, there are still Four chapters left o enjoy for all they are worth, all assuming you do enjoy where they are going off to.
Without revealing too much of what is to come, there is a chance of a surprise/shock on the next chapter. I enjoy seeing just how far I can bed the rules and expectations, as it were.
6652853 Yup!! And in this second chapter I could feel that Twilight didn't really seem to be at Pinkie's level of planning. You did a great job of showing off Pinkie's skills while still keeping her Pinkie. I think it helped that the pace slowed down. As always I look forward to where this leads.
6652890
Planning parties is something Pinkie Pie does all the time, and cares deeply about. On the side, she never forget a detail, unlike Twilight Sparkle, who can get in trouble for it on the side. You have seen just how far Pinkie is going, just to throw the perfect Party.
Thanks. I guess there are a few pitfalls along this route, with Pinkie Pie.
This was intended as the first chapter in the story, and once the event was in motion, I do have more time to get the story interesting and fun.
There are still a few chapters left to look forwards to. Then there may be a chance of a few sequels, later on.
Pinkie invites random little girls to her hotel room for a party... If you did this in real life, you'd be arrested e.e
Ok, now this is at child molester levels.
6664750 I never stated any specifics on the age of either parties here, even if the idea is that Pinkie would most likely be in the high teens.
If i did, yeah I would, but I am much too old to approach these youths on this too.
6664783 On the assumption that they are children, legally speaking; yeah.
6666442 You sir, would make a great lawyer!
6667054 This does sound like a compliment, right there; even if I have no intent or interest in that particular line of work.
On the other hoof, doesn't an author have a fairly similar task as the lawyer? You need to convince the audience of what you are selling, all the same.
On a previous note, your lawyer would most likely love the case against her; when you get to see this adventure unfold.
6671525
Implying all lawyers are professional liars, working on their realm of the law... implying that all authors are liars, making things up...
No, the task of the author is to play God, and play God well.
6711192
We are both twisting the truth for convenience, are we not?
I could settle for playing god, too. Some of my stories may be seen in that light, I guess.
On that note, with you as the Audience as the judge, I hope the sentence you pass is a favourable one.