Chris was the outcast of the school. He was one of the prime targets for most of the bullies at his school because of his love for My Little Pony, and all he wanted was a friend. Instead, he got a daughter.
Chapters (3)
Vinyl-ScratchDJ17
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I am looking forward to future Chapters. Keep the good work up.
First of all you should always proof read before publishing. There are quite a few groups that could help.
Here are a few examples that tend to repeat themselves.
Lazy typing. Should be:
"Chris stared on in fear."
When the action occurs after the dialogue begin with a new sentence.
"''Want my money? Have it!' He reached a hand"
There are few instances of unnecessary commas before 'and'. Should be:
"Chris picked himself up off the white tiled floor and dusted himself off before leaving."
I assume the 'your' in this sentence was a miss typed word and not sudden jump from 3rd to 1st person.
You where so strong with your beginning! What with your excellent descriptions of Chris and his bully. But Your story began to fall a little flat through the middle when you became a little too overzealous. Try not to go overboard. We don't really care what brand of clothing Chris wears or what year the vehicle parked outside was manufactured. Try focus more on the story, who's doing what and why.
You picked up again with that ending though. Nice work.
6632162 thanks man i appreciate the tips :D and those spelling errors are results of my buttons not working. they cut out sometimes where i have to press it four or five times for it to work D: also, i felt a bit like Carl Azuz in the author's note how i made up some puns XD
6632125 thanks :D
I can't wait for more
Nitpick incoming!
While I'll be the first to admit my anatomy is patchy these days, I don't believe that's quite how scars work. Scars {fibrosis} are a bodies direct response to wounds, with the textbook definition of wound being "an injury that is caused when a knife, bullet, etc., cuts or breaks the skin" Simply put, you don't cut/leave scars without drawing blood.
That aside, while the story-concept is interesting, the character {to me} is not. Not that he's a bad character, but the concept of a beaten-down/bullied character looking for some kind of escape is just done to death at this point. Not bad, but def. not for me.
I wish you the best of luck in your writing. Also, while not a glaring issue, an editor wouldn't be amiss; some of the structure feels odd.
Now I'm intrigued. I like it!!
6632533 i carved the word death into my arm once without drawing more than the smallest drops. and thanks for reading :D i hope this becomes more fun for you to read along the way since having Silver is bound to make him happy
6632670 I used to have psychotic lapses as a side effect of a medication a doc once had me on, I was taken off it when, during one of those psychotic lapses, I carved a swastika in the back of my left hand with a geometric compass.
Bled like a bitch, usedan sandpaper to wear the scar off by making more scars. I was thereafter taken off the medication.
I am too lazy to cut myself.
I wonder how many people wish that a service like this was real.
I SURE AS HELL DO!
where'd you find that pic?
6632926
6633011 dont we all? And i looked up grey mlp pony o google and just scrolled through images until i found this one. suu cute
Hello there Person 5! *notices the name* Awww...
6634384 lolol
Cute.
Though certain sentences could have been a bit smoother it was overall pretty good. A big improvement in writing since your earlier fics. Good job and keep improving!
6637288 Thanks, I hope to improve everyday :D I soon hope to try and write something like Edgar Allen Poe, but he was the greatest writer of all time so it's gonna be a fail if i even think of trying to attempt it! It will be like a bad luck brian meme: i.imgflip.com/u7ad0.jpg
Great story so far! Either I am reading into this way to much or is there something bad about the people who make the ponies.
6637750 yes it is :D
Liking the story so far. Hope your editing gets better and seriously someone needs to proof read your material before you submit it
6637791 I know ;o; XD
I wonder what a My Little Pony story written by Poe would be like. I'd love to read it.
so corny. glad that this is a story with a second chapter. some know what I mean...
6637823 me too. Did you know he never signed his full name on anything? He always left out Allan.
6637827 what do you mean?
6637794 I hope Blood Splatter doesn't bathe in Rainbow Dashes blood or any of the mane six or we are gonna have problems cause Dashie is greatest pony in the entire multiverse times infinity
6637831 I clicked your profile and read that blood splatter bathes in the blood of her victims so I said your little pony better not go on a murder spree and hurt Dashie
<<<<<<< how could anypony hurt something sooooooo adorable
6637845 Well, I made her mother to be Dashie, where she got her killer instinct from since It was based off of the rainbow factory. After failing flight school, Dashie attempted to use her as the blue in the rainbow, but she had escaped, and thus the murderer was born DUN DUN DUNNNN
6637831 I talk about stories, which die after the first chapter.
6637873 ahh
Wow, untill the end, that was depressing. I mean... wow... good show on the depressing side.
6640130 thanks man :D and for once no extensive nit picks :D
Cuteness. I ODed on cuteness. So cute, I think I'm gonna have a cutegasm.
MORRREEEEEE.
6655604 what should i do for the next chapter?
6655631 not school. background-story of Silver. How was she made. What are her first memories? That psychological stuff, tho. Don't need to explain it. let them discuss that a bit. Maybe with lemonade
6655641 Oki :D And school was NOT what i was gonna do for the next chapter. Lets just say sudden change in pace and a fast one a that!
6655677 So you writin that now?
6655717 im kind of brain dead right now so maybe later to night. i write best waking up at like 3 in the morning idefk how
As someone who was a bullied target for 10 years I can put myself in his shoes. But, damn, it was satisfying to face my bullies with a grin that said: Yeah, I'm still breathing, you fucker.
6664692 SAme dude! I just throw their insults back in their faces.
To be honest I actually liked the idea of a Human, having a Pony in his world, and that the pony never had to go back, but this time, I thought it would be one of those storys, where he just woke up as another pony, in a random family in Equestria.
I just really like those storys, where the other ponys think, that the Human turned pony just had lost all his memories. There was actually one, where the Human was suddenly in the hospital, as Diamond Tiaras mother, but the story never finished, and I didn´t found it again.
I try not to be one of those guys, but suddenly it is a bit weird to have the bad father image in such storys, and a hero with a life as sad as it can be.
However I know a bit how he has to feel, and I like the story.
NEED.UPDATE...NOW... dying sounds
More!!! Please!!!
6729327 I see I has attracted another user who enjoys my stories?
6729376
Yes, you have attracted my attention to your stories... I want to know what happens next, In these stories that is...
6730553 I hope you enjoy, then :D I've got 34 :)
6731262
. like 'Playing with my heart' 
by Obabskribbler. The final chapter has yet to come out... 
Then please don't diss disappoint us by leaving us on a cliff hanger
Please post the next chapter soon.