Hoofville- Shiny Whistle
“Back you!” I growled, shooting out a bolt of magic at one of the shadows, hitting it between the eyes and making it hiss. My teeth bared at it, I lowered my head and stamped my hoof. Ears flicking slightly back and forth, the screams around me getting shriller as ponies fell. But I was not going to be one of them, oh no.
Most of those in Hoofville seemed to be earth ponies, and even turning and bucking the shadows didn’t do much. All the shadows did was laugh and grab the ponies' back hooves, pulling them closer. Two other unicorn stallions had joined me by the door to the inn as I raced out to help, three fillies and a colt behind us, cowering in fear.
“Just give us the foals!” one of the shadows said, a big grin on its face, uneven, broken teeth reminding me of a Jack-O-Lantern from Nightmare Night.
“Never!” The stallion to my left growled, an amber-orange with a bright yellow mane, his pale orange magic glowing around his horn. “You’ll have to get by me first.”
The shadow tsked, shaking its head. “Are all of you ponies so cliché? Give us the little ones, and maybe we will let you three go. We need somepony to spread the news after all.”
“Now who’s the one being cliché?” The other stallion to my right sneered, the same dark blue one that had been behind us in line at the reception, a pale blue glow of his magic surrounding his horn.
I nodded, lighting my own horn up with its violet hue. “Now!” I yelled and together we shot three bolts of energy at the shadow, one hitting it in its gruesome teeth, knocking one out, another right in the left eye, and the last square between its eyes again.
It screamed and fell to the ground. Hmm, so it seemed these things were not entirely invincible. Just impervious to physical attacks? It held its eye with one shadowy hoof, moaning as it writhed on the ground. “We should get these foals somewhere safer,” the amber-orange stallion said and levitated two of the fillies onto his broad back. They clung on tightly to his mane, shivering.
I nodded, levitating up the last filly while the dark blue stallion picked up the colt. “But where to?” I asked. The town seemed full of the shadows and panicking ponies.
“This way, I know of a cave just outside the town. It’s well hidden, so they might not have discovered it yet.” The dark blue stallion said and we nodded. Waiting for a break in the crowd, we cantered off, coming around the corner only to hear a shrill scream, followed by some cursing.
“That voice sounds familiar,” I said, and then it hit me. It was Amethyst! “Here,” I said and levitated the filly over to the dark blue unicorn. “I’m going to help her.”
“Are you crazy? It took all three of us to take down that one… monster, how do you expect to save her on your own?” The orange stallion yelled.
“I don’t know, but I need to help. Take care of the foals.” With that, I took a deep breath and cantered off toward her shop. My heart pounded as I reentered the fray. What was I thinking? This was not at all like me, I wasn’t a fighter. Then I thought of those foals, shivering in fear. They needed protection, and so did Amethyst. I might not be much of a fighter, but I was what they had, and I would do my best.
“There he is!”
“Let’s get him before she can.”
“Panic and run! Panic and run!”
I paused in my hoofsteps as three of the shadow pony-like creatures surrounded me, wide grins on their faces. These three were larger than the others, especially the middle one. While the others had been roughly pony size, these were more along the size of timberwolves. I took one step forward, lighting up my horn. “You don’t scare me,” I growled, eyes flicking between the three of them as they circled.
“Stupid pony,” one chided, shaking its head.
“Doesn’t know it should be scared,” another one hissed.
The third just cackled, trying to catch my gaze. I narrowed my eyes and looked away from it, my horn glowing brighter as it held in more energy. “Get lost you monsters,” I said but could feel my courage wavering. How could I defeat three of them at once?
“And to think if only she had stayed with him, perhaps he would have been safe.”
I opened my eyes wide, ears going straight up. Were they talking about Chryssy? “What did you do to her?”
“Let’s just say you will never see her again pony,” the middle one said and smiled floating closer to me, staring into my eyes. “You are ours now.” The light in my horn started to fade as my fear rose, and I bit my lip.
“Not if I can help it!” I shook my head, clearing the fuzziness the creature had been flooding my head with, as it looked away at something hovering above us.
I looked up to see Chryssy hovering there, in her natural form, horn aglow and eyes narrowed to slits, fangs bared in a snarl. She held up her neck then lashed it back down as she shot a powerful blast of green magic at the three surrounding me, making them back up a few hoofsteps. Chryssy landed beside me, legs spread wide as she shot another blast at the three shadow creatures. “Go back to the frozen north where you belong!”
“You’re alive!” I yelled, my heart pounding as she stood there, mane blowing in the soot-filled wind.
“Of course I am, you think these fools could kill me that easily?” she said, staring down at me with one eye. “Now concentrate, I want both of us to make it out of here.”
I nodded and lit up my horn, throwing another shot of magic at the one nearest me. “What are these things?”
Chryssy sighed, “part of the threat I was talking about. The Umbrum.”
Dodging one of them as it pounced at me, I puzzled over this. I’d never heard of them before, but then I was not a scholar. Had barely even made it into Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. “And they are?”
“Shiny, stop being so inquisitive and fight! We can talk about them later.”
“If you survive,” one of the Umbrum said, laughing.
“Oh we will,” I said, shooting a blast at it, making it take a step back. With Chryssy by my side, I wasn’t too worried. But they kept coming. I could hardly see any other ponies in the crowd now, and could only hope Amethyst had gotten away. “I don’t know how much longer I can hold them off,” I said, a headache forming from using so much magic.
“Me either,” Chryssy said, breathing heavily. “But there is something I might be able to do.”
“What?”
“That little burst of love I got from you earlier, it might be enough for me to do a larger transformation.”
“Like a dragon?” If she could pull that off I had no doubt we’d be fine. Even these things couldn’t deal with a dragon!”
She laughed, and shook her head, “no, it would take a tremendous amount of love energy for that. I don’t even know if I could store enough for such a transformation. But this, I should be able to do.”
“Well whatever it is, you better do it quick. Preferably something with wings?” I said as a fresh wave of the Umbrum turned towards us, their misshapen teeth dripping drool.
“Oh it does,” she said and I saw her smirk before closing her eyes, the green fire surrounding her and driving off the Umbrum for a moment. As the flames dissipated she lifted her head and let out an ear-splitting roar. My eyes bulged in amazement, seeing a manticore in her place, thick red mane around her neck deterring any of the Umbrum from curling around it.
She scooped me up in one of her paws and tossed me on her wide back. I held on tight to her mane as her great wings spread wide, knees bent as she jumped into the night air, rising quickly above the chaos below. The gathered Umbrum below looked up at us, and a few spread wings of their own, rising into the air. “Fly, fly!” I yelled and closed my eyes as we raced through the air. I opened them a minute later when I heard a sound like a firework. Above the town, a single red flare floated in the sky. The Umbrum watched it, and I breathed a sigh of relief seeing them fall behind. “Somepony sent to help, you think?”
Chrysalis shook her head, “no, I imagine that is probably their leader, sending out a signal.”
“Who is their leader?”
“A cloaked unicorn mare.”
“WHAT? You mean one of our own set those things on the town?” I gasped. “Why would they do such a thing?”
Chryssy sighed. “Why does anypony do anything? For power. For revenge. A warning.”
“You think she’ll attack another town then?”
“Most definitely,” she said, flapping her wings briskly. I looked back to see they had mostly disappeared. The town I could still see fine, what was left of it, but few of the Umbrum were still in it, those still there heading towards the woods. Much of the town was still up in flames, thick black smoke swirling into the otherwise cloudless night.
“They are leaving.”
“They’ve accomplished their task for tonight, why stay?” Chryssy groaned and dropped altitude a few feet.
“Are you okay?” I asked, looking down at her. Her big gold feline eyes had a slightly glazed look to them.
“Almost… out of energy. Need a place to land, sleep for the night, safe,” she said and groaned again, closing her eyes.
“Well I heard there was a cave near the town, some ponies I met fled toward it during the battle to protect the town’s foals. With that manticore nose of yours, you can probably smell them,” I said.
She took a deep breath, and it seemed with it she recovered slightly, the cool night air helping. “Yes, unicorn, stallions, two of them, four foals.”
“That’s them,” I said and she veered slightly to the right, losing altitude as we came toward a rocky outcropping behind the town. It was covered in moss, vines, and ivy. A thin path, more of a deer path than the kind a pony would use, swerved between sparse grass and sharp rocks. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of blood alongside it. Not much, a few drops here and there, but it was fresh.
“There,” Chryssy said, pointing ahead. Just a few feet from us, covered by ivy, was a depression in the stone. The blood pooled in front of it, sinking into the dirt by the depression. Chryssy landed just short of the depression, which, this close, I could finally see went deeper than it at first appeared. With a moan she collapsed, her manticore form dissipating in a wash of green flames, leaving her unconscious in her natural form.
“Chryssy!” I yelled, running over to her. I put an ear to her chest and sighed in relief to hear her heart still beating, breathing softly.
“Who’s out there?” A voice growled, and I turned back to the entrance, lighting up my horn as I pushed aside the ivy.
“Turn that down,” the voice said. I lowered the intensity of the light, to find a cave going back maybe twenty feet. The three fillies and colt were curled up together in the back, fast asleep, the dark blue stallion sitting next to them. The amber-orange stallion lied near the entrance, his left rear leg scored with bite marks and bleeding profusely. “Looks like you made it.” The amber-orange stallion said, and coughed. “Did you rescue the mare you went after?”
I shook my head. “No, I got cornered before I could get to her. What happened to you?”
“Lone Timberwolf smelled the destruction and came to investigate, and ran into us. Lucky Shot got it good between the eyes and set it off running, but not before it got a taste of me.”
“You don’t happen to be good at healing spells?” Lucky Shot, the dark blue stallion asked, walking forward. “I can heal small things, but a wound like that is beyond me. Though I have done what I can, it won’t stop bleeding.”
“Sorry but no, my specialty is instruments, not ponies. Real creatures are a lot harder to heal.” I sighed.
“It’s okay, don’t feel bad, I’m Fire Stick by the way,” the amber-orange stallion said, and gave a grimacing smile. “How about your friend outside?”
“She’s unconscious, so even if she could, she wouldn’t have the strength.”
“Want me to help you bring her in?” Lucky Shot asked. “Don’t want that Timberwolf to get a piece of her if it comes back.”
I nodded. “Yes, that would be great. I wish I could help you Fire,” I said. I hardly knew the stallion, but that didn’t mean I wanted him to die on us!
“As long as those foals stay safe, at least I would have given my life for something good,” he sighed.
“Oh my Celestia!” I turned around at the exclamation, to see Lucky Shot had already gone outside.
“Be right back,” I told Fire Stick and hurried outside.
“Your ‘friend’ is a changeling?” Lucky hissed at me, eyes wide in shock.
“Yes, and she saved my life,” I said firmly, stomping a hoof. “You shouldn’t believe all the stories you hear about them. Many of them are actually good.”
“Are you delusional? Do you know what they tried to do to Canterlot?”
“Of course I do, I was there! Now please, we don’t have time to argue. We have wounded to take care of. Are you going to help me bring her in or not?”
Lucky Shot sighed but nodded. “Fine, but she is staying near the entrance. I’m not letting her near the foals.” He lit up his horn and levitated her a few inches off the ground, straining. Following suit, I lit up mine as well and wrapped my magic around her, together pulling her in past the ivy until her long teal tail swished inside. The ivy fell back into place, and Lucky dropped his magic, letting her go, to fall gently against the rock.
Fire Stick’s eyes flew open wide on seeing who we dragged in. “Not only a changeling, but their Queen.” He looked over at me. “How did you come to be friends with their Queen?”
“Long story,” I said and turned when I heard Chryssy moan behind me. “Hey, you okay?” I asked, kneeling down beside her as her eyes fluttered open weakly.
“I’ll live, but who’s bleeding?” She lifted her head weakly, sniffing the air, and looked over at Fire Stick, wincing upon seeing his wound. “Timberwolf?” she asked and he nodded. “Why has nopony took care of it yet?”
“None of us are skilled in healing,” Shiny said quietly.
“Dirt, big leaves, wrap vines around it,” Chryssy said softly. “Not as good as unicorn magic, but will do until we can get him to a doctor.”
“I’m on it,” Lucky Shot said, and left the cave to find what he needed.
“Thank you, your highness.” Fire Stick said bowing his head to Chryssy. “Good to have somepony who knows their healing around when you need it.”
“Don’t thank me yet, you could still die,” she said dryly. “I’m surprised none of you knew, isn’t that one of the first things taught to young unicorns?”
“Well… never thought I would need it,” Fire Stick said, grimacing. “I put all my focus into battle spells.”
“And I was busy with my music,” I said, blushing a little in embarrassment.
“Foalish stallions,” Chryssy sighed.
“Okay, I think I remember how to do this,” Lucky Shot said as he returned, pulling aside the vines of ivy as he entered. Dirt, some long strands of a vine, and some type of large, feathery leaves were grasped in his magic.
As he went to work helping Fire Stick, I turned to Chryssy. “Anything I can do to help you feel better?”
“Well, my energy reserves are very low, so feeding would help. But with all that has happened, the amount I would need to get by would knock you out until at least midday tomorrow.”
“Then I guess I’ll get some good rest,” I said and lied down beside her, surprised when she flinched away.
“No,” she said simply, looking away.
“Look, if this is about what I said earlier tonight,” I said, ears twitching, “I understand if you don’t feel the same. After all, this Leptostales must be very important to you, besides just being your daughter’s father, if you are going after him yourself. You probably love him.” I might not have liked it, but it did make sense. Besides, she was a queen. How often did queens date outside of their class?
She stared over at me, the expression in her eyes unreadable. “Something like that, it’s complicated.”
“Maybe so, but I do know that the stronger the emotions, the more energy it gives you. That is what Star Bright said at least. Even if they are not shared, my emotions for you are strong. Take them, you need them,” I said and leaned against her again.
Chryssy chuckled. “When did you become so bold and smart about my people?”
“When it was needed,” I said, grinning. There was a cough behind us, and I blushed, turning to see Fire Stick and Lucky Shot watching us. Fire looked a little better, his wound wrapped up and the bleeding finally stopped. Neither of them though looked happy about what they saw.
“Are you trying to convince her to feed off you?” Lucky asked, brows raised and nose scrunched in a confused look.
“Yes,” I said. “She needs the energy to be able to heal.”
He shook his head and walked away, toward the back of the cave and the foals. “Well, I don’t want to see or hear it, so make it quick.”
Chryssy settled in beside me, adjusting to get more comfortable, “very well. Come here.” I moved my mane away from my neck, looking over at Fire, who had turned his head away, resting it on his hooves.
For the second time that night, I felt the warmth of Chryssy’s horn against my neck, the feeling of a string being pulled through it as she fed on me. I didn’t blurt out any declarations of love this time, but it was quite a pleasant feeling, making me sigh, relaxed, as I rested my head on my hooves. Star Bright had been right about another thing too, the Queen was very good at what she did. Quick and painless, but colt did it feel good as well. I could sure get used to this.
Cave near Hoofville-Queen Chrysalis
I smiled down at Shiny curled up next to me, fast asleep now with a smile on his face. Licking my lips, I sat up, weariness gone. How strong his feelings for me were already made me stop a little earlier than usual. Even if they tasted better than any other love I had had so far. Comparing it to some regular food didn’t even come close, more like a fond memory than food. Or like, eating dark chocolate while being kissed and well, being much more intimate than anything I had experienced. I could still use some more, and I could see the taste becoming highly addicting, but we still had to be careful.
I didn’t fully understand yet how far we might be able to go, without putting the pony’s safety in peril, and didn’t want to risk it. Turning into a manticore had really taken its toll on me, but I didn’t want to take more than I needed to from him. “Maybe, MAYBE, he would be useful to us after all. Until the magic of this lust he holds for us fades at least.” Chrys said, and I smiled slyly. “We’ll see how he is feeling when we reach Canterlot.” Still, with the other two stallions beside us, being in my weakened state I didn’t want to do anything to make them angry.
“So you’re the queen huh?” I looked up as the one called Lucky Shot walked over to me, emerald green eyes staring.
“Yes, young stallion, I am.”
“What you doing out here, away from the others? Or was it you who burned down our homes?”
“How dare the little whelp accuse us,” Chrys growled. “What would be the point in killing off all those ponies?”
I sighed, trying to keep calm through Chrys’s anger. “We are on a rescue mission, and no I am not the one who ordered those monsters to destroy your homes. A dead pony is useless to me, so why would I kill off an entire town?”
Lucky sat down, staring at the ground, ears twitching as if it thought. “What about Canterlot then hmm?” he asked, looking back up at me.
“Did I kill anypony then? No. Not even that Princess Cadence. If I had killed her, my takeover would have been flawless, as Twilight never would have escaped the mines, and nopony would have known of my disguise.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “But I didn’t, and it is thanks to them that things didn’t go to plan. But we survived to one day seek our revenge, which is what matters.”
“Well spoken, like a true queen,” Chrys said. “Now let him know who is in charge. This pony is just too full of questions.”
“But no more questions,” I said, smiling at Chrys’s praise. “We all need our sleep, but need a guard to protect against that lone timberwolf. With all this blood spilled, it is sure to come back to finish the job. You are the fittest of those of us here. Take the watch for the rest of the night, then we can head out.”
“You are not my queen, I do not need to follow your orders,” Lucky sneered.
“That doesn’t matter, I might not be your queen, but I can still take charge of our little group, for tonight at least. Believe me, I want to protect those foals just as much as you. Young life is precious.” Seeing the little foals reminded me of Citheronia back home. Even if she wasn’t technically my daughter, she was this body’s daughter and the daughter of Chrys. It would hurt me just as much as her if something was to happen to the little hatchling.
“Yes, and to whoever caused something to happen to her, that pony or changeling or whatever creature it is, would pay dearly! We might rarely take lives, but in that case, there would be NO exceptions.” Chrys growled, and I couldn’t agree more. No matter if I had never hurt someone before, let alone kill them.
Lucky looked ready to continue arguing, but then looked over as the colt rolled over in his sleep, letting out a deep sigh. Lucky’s ears lowered as he turned to face me again, utter hate in his gaze. “Fine. But I am not doing this for you, but for them.” He pointed a hoof at the foals and then went to stand near the cave’s entrance. “And if I see you move to lay one hoof on them, you will be sorry!” he said, then turned his attention to the area outside of the cave.
I just shook my head and nestled back down onto the ground, head on my hooves. “Ugh, the arrogance of some ponies,” Chrys said, “I can hardly wait to part from them. Now, about what we should tell Shiny…” we looked over at him, head leaning against a rock as he slept. Even after that manecut that he gave himself, strands still hung in front of his right eye, moving back and forth as he breathed. “Let him believe the conclusions he has come to for now. It will make him easier to tolerate if he doesn’t think he can try to win our love.”
I nodded, too tired to argue with her. Looking over at the foals I smiled, watching them as they slept. One of the fillies was a unicorn, a baby blue color with a turquoise mane. Another was a pegasus, a dark purple with minty green mane and tail. The last filly, and the colt, were both earth ponies, probably twins, with peach-colored coats and blonde manes and tails. Turning back toward the entrance, I looked up at what scattered stars I could see through the trailing ivy vines. Still a few hours until dawn. “Wake me if there is any trouble,” I called to Lucky Shot, who said nothing.
* * *
I awoke to a tiny hoof poking my nose. Opening one eye, there was a gasp and a scramble of hooves as the four foals backed away, eyes big and bright as they watched me. Glancing over to the entrance I saw Lucky had fallen asleep and was snoring.
“What are you?” The little unicorn filly asked as I turned back around, and the pegasus filly swatted her with a hoof.
“It’s not polite to ask things like that Lilac Bloom!” she said, then turned back to me. “Though, we have never seen a pony quite like you before.”
“Are you part Swiss cheese?” the little earth colt asked, stepping closer and looking through one of the holes in my legs.
I chuckled. “No, not part Swiss cheese. I am a changeling.”
“A changewing?” the earth pony filly asked, a slight lisp in her tone. “So you change other pony’s wings? Can you give me wings?”
“No, no a changeling,” I corrected her, “it means I can change my form at will.”
“Woah, that is so cool!” The little unicorn Lilac Bloom said, big bright purple eyes wide.
“I think I like these foals already,” Chrys said. “Even being so close to our kingdom, they know not of us, and thus have no prejudices in place. Unlike those ‘cutie mark crusaders’, ugh talk about annoying little fillies.”
“Thanks,” I said and smiled at them. “What are your names? I know you are Lilac Bloom,” I said pointing a hoof at the little unicorn filly, “but not the rest of you.”
“I’m Peach Tart, and this is my sister Peach Pie,” the earth pony colt said. Peach Pie blushed next to him, hiding her face behind her brother.
“And I’m Midnight Orchid,” the little pegasus filly said, puffing out her chest and extending her wings.
“So then, can you turn into a dragon?” Lilac Bloom asked. “I’ve always wanted to see a dragon.”
I shook my head, “sorry Lilac, but that is a little out of my range right now. How about a pony?” I grinned and stood, watching as the foals took a few steps back. Closing my eyes, the green flames spread over my body and when they dissipated, I was standing in front of them as Shiny’s sister, Dew Song.
“Wow,” they all said in awe, and circled around me.
“No holes now too,” Peach Pie said softly, reaching a hoof to touch my pink fur. “And so soft.”
“What do you foals think you are doing?” I turned to see Lucky rolling to his hooves, awake now, and he gestured them away from me. “Stay away from her.” The four of them obeyed, heading back to the far wall of the cave with heads down and tails tucked close to their sides.. Lucky turned his gaze to me. “Showing off now hmm? Lull them into a false sense of security?”
“I told you,” I hissed softly, “I’m not going to hurt them. They were just curious, is that so bad?”
“With your reputation? Yes.” He growled.
“Well excuse me if you heard things wrong.”
“Oh no, they are correct. You are nothing but a monster.”
“A monster am I?” I growled, baring my teeth. Which probably looked ridiculous, hard to look threatening when you look like a bright pink little pony.
“Ugh, will you two stop fighting?” Fire Stick groaned, opening his eyes and turning to look at us. “Huh? Who’re you? Thought I heard…” he said staring at me.
“It’s still me Fire, I transformed,” I said, turning away from Lucky with a snort. “How is your leg feeling?”
“Better,” he said, “but stiff. Think I might live to fight another day.”
“Good. Once Shiny wakes we can head off and get you to a doctor. Hopefully, the hospital will be intact in town. If not, you’ll travel with us to Dodge Junction and we’ll get you to help there.”
“Way to take charge! See, I knew you would make a great replacement,” Chrys said. “Now if only we could get that stubborn mule of a stallion to do so.”
Fire Stick nodded, adjusting until he was in a sitting position. “I’ll do my best.”
“Oh no, we are not going anywhere with you,” Lucky said, stomping his hoof.
“Do you really have any choice? If the town is destroyed, and well-” I looked over to the foals, who were watching us. I didn’t want to scare them, but it had to be said. “If their parents are gone,” I whispered, “they’ll need a place to stay, and somepony to protect them.”
I heard a little gasp and turned around. Peach Pie’s lime green eyes were wide, her ears down and eyes sparkling with tears. “Where- where would mama and papa have gone? Are they looking for us?”
I facehoofed and shook my head. Me and my big mouth. “Well I don’t know, they could be.”
“Smooth,” Lucky said. I glared over at him.
“Whatever happens, we’ll make sure you are safe,” Fire Stick said, and smiled over at the little filly.
I nodded, turning from Lucky to smile at the foals. “Now, who’s hungry?” I turned to grab my saddlebags, only to remember, I left them in the inn. “Horsefeathers!” I grumbled and looked around. Seemed none of us had brought anything with us, even Shiny’s saddlebag was missing. “And I guess food will have to wait, Shiny should wake soon though.” Looking out through the ivy, the sun has risen, sitting about a quarter of the way up in the sky. “Looks like it is maybe around ten.”
Behind me, I heard sighs and rumbling bellies. Maybe it would be a good idea to look now. But then, either I or Lucky would need to stay behind to watch over the foals. Fire was in no condition to protect them if the timberwolf returned while still recovering himself.
“Maybe, Lucky or you could find us something?” Midnight Orchid said, looking to both of us. “I can help! I’m eight now, and I help my mother make food all the time.”
“No, it’s too dangerous. You will stay here,” Lucky said to her, then turned to me. “And I don’t trust you to leave you alone with them.”
“Very well then, I’ll look around town for anything we can eat. And to see if the hospital is operational,” I said. I hated seeing those poor, sad, hungry faces on the foals, and it would probably be better they did not see the condition of the town. “I’ll be back soon.” I took one last glance down at Shiny. He had rolled over onto his back and was sleeping with his legs in the air, one back hoof slowly moving up and down. Turning, I trotted outside and down the path to the town.
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Sorry about the late reply, somehow missed your comment!
I'm sorry, I like a little suspense in my stories, (plus gives the readers something to comment about for who they might think it is?) *cough* I guess you can say part of the reason I am keeping her identity secret is I want readers to guess who she is, so I can see how well I am doing with the hints. *cough*
Thanks! I'm glad you think so, and are willing to step out of your comfort zone a little. She will be revealed soon, within the next few chapters most likely. (Partly because with any other hint I could give, it would probably give her identity away anyway.)
But thanks for reading and commenting! I really appreciate it and hope you continue to enjoy the rest of it. ^.^
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Indeed, the poor stallion. Amore really could have gone about things better, and only has herself to blame for not doing what she could to help young Sombra. Though all the experiments might have been going too far, even with the suffering he was put through as a colt.
(Btw thanks for commenting and reading! You made this little changelings night! :D)
OK so the story started a bit slow for my liking, but considering what it was introducing I can understand. I don't normally like mysterious villains very much but I do like how you're feeding us more information about them as the story goes on. I've read plenty of stories where the main antagonist is just mysterious and that's the end of things for the next twenty thousand words for them.
Once I pushed past the initial slow part of the story though I was happy because I feel like I've got a pretty good grasp on the characters and the dynamics of Chrysalis' hive.
You don't seem to have any problems with run on paragraphs, no homonym/autocorrect mistakes, and one thing I have to say I appreciate is the "POV text" it's quick its efficient and it tells me exactly whose POV you're switching to.
My only complaints so far are some odd characterization inconsistencies for the old Chrysalis in the older chapters compared to the new chapters. Its nothing that couldn't really be explained or fixed its just that she seems more accepting of ponies as time goes on. Again nothing you couldn't fix by saying something like "it looks like you're personality is rubbing off on me" in a psuedo scientific manner though.
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First of all, thanks for commenting! You made this little changeling squeal in glee! *Seriously, I love comments heh.*
Of the comments I have had you were the first to think so it seems. (Of those who commented.) Heh and here I thought it went a little too fast! (One reason I added a bit more after the fact.) But yeah setting the scene did take a bit more.
I feel the same! I like my villains at least somewhat mysterious, but if it is for a fandom I do like to get enough clues that by the time they are revealed I can either go 'HA I knew it was you!' or 'Wow, I was totally off!' but then go back and realize I misread the clues or some such.
For curiosity's sake, where do you think it starts to pick up? Heh I'm glad you feel like that, I do try hard to make them that way. ^,^
I haven't found an editor yet, so I am happy to hear you say so! Even going through it sometimes a dozen times fixing little bits here and there before I publish it, I fear I will miss something big and feel like an idiot, so it is good that it looks well.
It is a thing I love in stories with more than one person speaking, Might not be seen as something to use in published writing (at least I don't think I have seen it much, if at all) but for fanfiction it makes things so much easier. (Especially since I am still working on having distinct 'voices' for all my characters. I have seen too many authors who do multiple points of view and the voices sound so similar that you don't always know who it is who you are listening to! I don't want to do that. POV tags help for now, but just something I can work on,)
Hmm yes I do see your point there. Guess you can say that is one of the problems of being a 'write by the seat of your pants' kind of writer. I do have a good base of where I want go and what I want to do, but I can't do outlines. For the stories I have written with outlines, they just have no... life/heart/blood? in them? That and I can never finish them as I feel tied down to following the outline.
But yes, it can be explained or fixed fairly easily. A few lines here or there.
So, thanks so much for your helpful comment! I will see what I can do to fix the problems you see and continue onward to Dodge Junction! *Heh after all, have to get there before we can get to Canterlot hehe.*
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What I find helps me when writing is coming up with the ending early on, nothing is concrete obviously and you need to change it over time but having an ending to think about helps me know where to tie the story together.
However the biggest thing that helps me as an writer is that I have two of my internet friends look over chapters and ask me questions about them while the chapters are in progress. For me it helps figure out when something isn't explained enough and stuff like that because I'll compare notes on what they thought was happening and what happened in my head. They also barely know anything about MLP so they can reign me in if I decide to make a reference that's too obscure.
For me the story started to pick up when it became apparent it wasn't going to be entirely about the differences between old Chrysalis and new Chrysalis. For the first part of the story I was a little bit worried that it was going to be only about Shiny changing the changeling hive(and new Chrysalis) through music, I wasn't sure how well that plot thread would have held up for an entire story on its own.
The main reason I appreciated the POV tags is because oftentimes for several paragraphs an author won't say who was talking when they switch. Even if every character in the story has a very distinct personality its very hard to tell whose perspective is it anyway if they're doing something mundane(like just waking up, or walking). I would just stick with them, especially the location tags.
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*nods* That much I can and have done. I know around where I want to end the story. (Thinking I might split it into at least two though, so I can explore other characters POV's as well. 3 is enough for one story, even with tags for who is 'talking' I feel. ;P) And I do have good places to end both, though the second one is still iffy as I haven't got that far ahead yet.
I do have a few friends who keep saying they will read it, but eh they lead busy lives and haven't gotten around to it yet. (But I do keep asking them to so they can toss questions at me. Guess my support system just kind of sucks. :P
Ah yes I can see that (especially with the synopsis. I really need to fix that to fit with the current story better, but I suck at synopsis's so haven't yet...)
Heh yeah maybe I focused a little too much on that. Wanted to work on his character attributes I guess? And the importance the little nymphs/changeling foals see in him? But then we have adventure!
Oh yes, I HATE when that happens! It can get so confusing and I almost want to say 'just go to third person omniscient if you want to get in so many heads!' *nods* I plan on doing so. Following the good examples of some of my favorite changeling writers on here with that. (Though they make their tags a lot more fancy, and I guess I am just too lazy to do that/feel it looks fine in regular script.)
Oh the innocents of youth... And pfft I need to remember something for later.... Oh yeah... To slap lucky across the muzzle!!! such senseless fear based paranoia.... Changelings are not evil.... Zebra deserve to be hated.... I mean look they have stripes! And bullshit magical powers! And are amazingly good at acrobatics... Evil.... and wait so Umbrum have pyrotechnics or pyrokenesis? Because pryotechnics is like fireworks and stuff, where as pyrokenesis is more fire based everything else and do I sense foreshadowing with that line about protecting foals?
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Gotta love the little ones, am I right? So cute! Hehe oh if you are angry with him now, just wait! But yeah Zebras are the real culprits eh? :P
Ahh pyrokenesis. heh they don't send off fireworks and the like, just emit flames at times. Of course, even as a pyro, they can still be burned. Hmmm maybe a little,