Earth Pony
WD: The HiE Experiment
Chapter 2: Earth Pony
By Wanderer D
“What? No insta-Cutie Mark?” Wanderer D asked, eyeing himself in the mirror. “That’s lame. That’s like, cheating.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “Ponies spend some time finding out what their talent is. You are aware of the struggles that Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom go through to find theirs every day... and yet you expect to have one just by transforming into a pony?”
“Aww... but I wanted to feel special!” Wanderer D whined. “Don’t you know that insta-getting your cutie-mark is a staple of HiEs?”
Luna shook her head. “And what makes you think that’s actually how it would work? It’s extremely pretentious for humans to think that they deserve their cutie mark when most of them aren’t aware of their true talent, or choose to ignore it because it doesn’t make them enough money?”
“Tch,” Wanderer D looked away. “Curse you and your logic.”
Luna chuckled. “Well, I think it’s about time you–”
She was interrupted by a knock on the door. Exchanging a quick look with Wanderer D, who shrugged, she turned towards the door. “Yes? Come in!”
Turning her attention to the door, Luna ignored a small shuffling sound behind her, choosing to concentrate on the guard that was stepping in, carrying a small package in his mouth. He deposited just inside her room and looked up. “Your Majes–” he stopped and his eyes went wide. “I- I’m sorry! I... I didn’t know, I do apologize, your highness I–”
“What are you jabbering about?” Luna asked, rolling her eyes. “Out with it!”
Gulping, and blushing, the guard pointed a shaking hoof at something behind her.
Curious, Luna turned around and froze, her jaw falling open at the sight in front of her. Wanderer D lay on her suddenly messy bed, sprawled against the pillows with bedsheets barely covering anything under his belly. He had some grapes between his hoofs and was also frozen in place, eyes wide, obviously interrupted in the middle of eating them.
“Wha- you–” she stammered.
“Lulu!” Wanderer D whined, “I told you not to open the door! I said I wasn’t decent!”
Luna’s mouth opened and closed silently.
Wanderer D’s smile grew and grew. “Come on Lulu, either let the poor guard go or ask him to join us!”
o.0.o
Wanderer D was suddenly standing on top of a cloud, still holding the grapes between his hoofs. Of the bed sheets, there was no sign. He frowned. “Hey, I thought Earth Ponies couldn’t–”
And just like that he was falling through the cloud so fast that when he let go of the grapes, they flew up past him. “Damn. I guess Luna is going to have to make me another body...”
A flash of blue energy revealed the small box that had been delivered to Luna’s room. Wanderer D blinked at it and took it in his hooves. It was addressed to him, to be found in Luna’s chambers.
“Huh...” Holding it as best as he could, he used his teeth to pull the string that held it closed. The moment he undid the last loop, the box exploded, wrapping him in some sort of spell.
Suddenly he was drifting down towards the ground, a large parachute magically attached to his back.
Wanderer D blinked. “Wait... what?! How does this even work? Why? How?! This stupid world makes no sense at all. This thing appeared just as suddenly as Shining Armor’s backstory.” He sighed and looked down. “Luna put me pretty high up...”
A strange sound, like machinery being forced to work against all considerable resistance made his ears twitch.
“Wait... I know that sound... but it can’t be... it’s not–”
“Geeerooonimoooo!” A flaming, spinning and twirling blue police box flew past him, barely missing his head, but not missing the parachute.
“Damn you too, Doctor!” Wanderer D shouted as he plummeted down into the distant land. “And how far-up did you put me, Luna?! This is stupid!”
The TARDIS, for that is what it was, suddenly gave a lurch and turned at a sudden 90 degree angle, looking far more violent and cool than what the TV series had been able to show. The doors flapped open and...
“Whooves?!” Wanderer D shouted as the TARDIS started falling right besides him. The brown earth pony at the doors smiled widely at him.
“Oh, you know me, do you?” the Doctor's smile increased. “Well, that makes things easier, doesn’t it?”
“But, you’re not canon!”
The Doctor blinked. “Now, that’s an odd statement.”
Wanderer D brought a hoof to his face and dragged it down. “Never mind! I know you’ve noticed by now that we are both falling, the TARDIS is in flames and it’s an incredibly long drop!”
The Doctor looked down, wind buffeting his mane as he glanced down. “Why, so we are! Isn’t it fantastic how we have managed to talk so much and yet not crash?”
“Talking is a free action!” Wanderer D shouted. “Everyone knows that! I have a theory that if we keep up the dialogue for a while we will prevent time/space from following the laws of physics, therefore staying in a just-about-to-crash state!”
“Well, mate, that’s very interesting!” The Doctor shouted back over the wind. “But you’d better get in here before you go splat!” He extended a hoof. Wanderer D looked at it and rolled his eyes.
Being pulled into the TARDIS was an experience unto itself. The Doctor trotted around to the controls and soon they flashed out of existence right after they crashed through the tower/observatory in Blueblood’s mansion, but just before they hit the ground.
o.0.o
The Doctor grinned at Wanderer D as he looked around him. “Well, then... say it...” he prodded.
Wanderer D raised an eyebrow. “Huh, it’s smaller inside than I thought it would be...”
“Yes! And that’s because- bec- wait, what did you say?!”
Wanderer D was about to reply, but the TARDIS lurched once more, sending them both rolling on the floor. “Whooves! Where are we going?!”
Doctor Whooves looked towards the decidedly steampunk-styled controls and grinned at Wanderer D. “I have no idea! Sometime in the future! Or maybe the past!”
“Well, duh!” Wanderer D snapped, scampering up to him. “Seriously, I’d like to know!”
“I really don’t know!” Doctor Whooves galloped past a dead-panning Wanderer D and looked at another machine. “But if I had to guess, it seems we’re going into the distant past of Equestria, perhaps even before the reign of Celestia and Luna!”
“Oh, great, not only am I a pony now... I’m also going to influence the past. Jolly good.” Wanderer D started smacking his forehead against a thingamathingy. “Ow. Ow. Ow.”
Immediately the TARDIS stabilized. Wanderer D stopped and blinked.
The TARDIS started spinning wildly again, and flames sprouted around them.
“Whatever you were doing, keep doing it!” Doctor Whooves hollered before he took his Sonic Screwdriver in his mouth and stuck his head into a compartment.
Rolling his eyes, Wanderer D started smacking his head against the machine again. “Ow. Stupid. Ow. Luna. Ow. Sending me... Ow. in the Ow. TARDIS’ Ow. Path! OW!”
The TARDIS lurched one more time and shook as it stopped, the engines died and the Doctor slowly pulled out of the compartment. He shook his head and cantered happily to the controls, taking a quick glance. “Oh, it seems I was right! We’re 5000 years in the past of Equestria!”
He turned around when the banging resumed. “You can stop doing that now,” he said after a moment.
Wanderer D stepped back, his shaky legs barely able to keep him upright. “No... I- I must carry on until there is no more.”
“No more what? Trembling?”
“No... the drums, Doctor... I can hear drums!”
“Are you the Ma–” Eyes widening, Doctor Whooves took a step back, then stopped. “Wait... I hear them too.”
Wanderer D slumped on the floor, a dazed look in his eyes. “I... oh... thought good... I done had... real brain myself... damage...”
“Riiight... anyway, let’s see where we ended up, shall we?” The Doctor trotted over to the doors of the TARDIS and pushed them open. He then stuck his head out of the machine. “Well! Well, well, well! This is different!”
“Ugh...” Wanderer D stumbled up to the doctor and pushed him out. “What is it?”
Doctor Whooves gave him an annoyed look, but turned his eyes back to the scenery. “There’s no Sun! Would you look at that!”
Wanderer D looked at the darkness above them, then at the many torches randomly scattered around them. “Are you sure we’re not underground?”
“No, I’m pretty sure we’re outside,” Doctor Whooves said. “Well, relatively sure, really. There’s always the chance we’re trapped in a simulator of some kind that is playing with our senses.”
“Huh,” Wanderer D grunted. “The thought never occurred to me. Funny that... it’s the type of random thought I would write my characters thinking in a situation like this.”
The Doctor shrugged. “You seem to be taking all of this pretty well. Have we met before? Perhaps in a future time?”
Wanderer D looked at Doctor Whooves. “Yeah, you helped me stop Ultimecia from collapsing time. It was fun. Lots of summons.”
“Ah, ah!” Doctor Whooves shook his hoof. “No spoilers!”
“Tch,” Wanderer D sighed. “Fine. Maybe from another, unrelated time then... Aeris dies.”
Doctor Whooves frowned. “Who?”
“Exactly.”
A grin grew on the Doctor’s face. “I like you. What’s your name?”
“Wanderer D,” Wanderer D introduced himself extending a hoof and wondering how in the name of Celestia’s Solar-Flaring orgasms a hoof shake worked. “But you can call me D, or WD if you like.”
Doctor Whooves heartily shook Wanderer D’s hoof. “Glad to meet you for the first or second time! You already know to call me Whooves, Doctor or Doctor Whooves.”
“Huh,” Wanderer D looked down at his hoof. “Cardslafter was right, it does feel like a tentacle of sorts.”
“Who?”
“Nevermind that,” Wanderer D said. “Can you hear what I hear?”
“Drums!” Doctor Whooves forgot about his new companion for a moment as he turned around and trotted around the TARDIS. “I can hear them! But where do they come from?”
“I don’t know, but the tune is catchy!” Wanderer D said, trotting up to the Doctor.
“Well then, any direction is as good as the other,” Doctor Whooves stated.
“Lead the way Ryoga,” Wanderer D shrugged and fell behind the Doctor as the latter started walking.
“Who?”
“Ryoga... he’s–” Wanderer D cut himself off. “You know what, forget it, it’s getting too meta... even for my situation.”
The pair wandered in the relative darkness, following one torch to the next. All the time, the sound of drums became louder and louder.
“What do you think we will find here, doc?” Wanderer D asked after a few minutes.
“The possibilities are endless!” Doctor Whooves answered enthusiastically. “Imagine! Races that pre-date Equestria! They had music and doubtless they will have many stories to share!”
“Well, I am grateful for the TARDIS providing convenient language translation for us,” Wanderer D sighed. “It would be really annoying to have to talk to someone and not understand them.”
The Doctor gave Wanderer D a curious glance. “That is true and- nevermind! Here we are!”
The two earth ponies stopped where they stood, looking at a huge pyre which was burning bright in the middle of all darkness, creating a large circle of light. Several bipedal creatures howled and danced and froliked around the pyre and indulged themselves, eating the food they had gathered and piled close by.
“Oh my,” The Doctor’s eyes glinted as he started walking towards them. “They do look like a festive bunch, don’t they?”
“They look like a bunch of diamond dogs mated with mountain trolls,” Wanderer D stated. “But yes, they party hard,” he added when one of the really big creatures punched another out of the circle of light and started laughing as it drank something from a stone bowl. “We should join them.”
“That’s right!” The Doctor chuckled. “Let’s throw caution to the wind! We won’t learn anything by hiding!”
“Exactly!” Wanderer D cheered, bro-hoofing the Doctor and turning around just in time to be crushed by another diamond dog-troll-abomination which had been punched out of the circle of light.
“Are you okay?” Doctor Whooves asked, looking down at the half-buried form of Wanderer D.
“Define ‘okay’ and I’ll let you know...” Wanderer D groaned, dragging himself from under the unconscious creature.
“Well, you’re talking, walking and coherent, I think those count as ‘okay’, don’t they?”
“If you say so...”
“Ponies,” a rumbling voice came from the pyre. “We can see you.”
Doctor Whooves and Wanderer D exchanged a glance before they cantered up to the pyre. “Well, hello there, my good friend!” Doctor Whooves said cheerfully. “Glad to make your acquaintance! I’m the Doctor! And what’s this! Fire! Very advanced, well done! What else do you have here, hmm? Some sort of mushrooms, probably what little can grow here without sunlight... that’s brilliant! And what else, well... that looks like... meat.”
The creature that had spoken earlier grinned, showing rows of fangs. “It is, little pony...”
“He sounds British,” Wanderer D said after a moment. “Why does he sound British? Is that something to do with the TARDIS? If they speak another language it is automatically turned into British English?”
Doctor Whooves scoffed. “Of course not, it makes them sound Gallopfrian.”
“Oh, my bad...”
The apparent leader of the creatures spoke once more, “Little ponies... you are not afraid of us?” he gestured with his hand towards the pile of recently killed animals. “We are your hunters! We are your night–” he cut short as Wanderer D trotted past him, stabbed a slab of meat with one of their spears and held it over some embers at the edge of the pyre. “What are you doing!?”
Doctor Whooves grimaced. “I think he’s cooking it. Odd, ponies usually don’t cook meat.”
The others watched in silence as the meat was slowly cooked. Slowly the smell of cooked meat reached everyone around, making the mutts/trolls mouths water and Doctor Whooves wrinkle his nose.
Wanderer D pulled the spear back, jammed the bottom into the floor with his mouth and proceeded to take a bite. “Hm...” he said. “Nice. We could have worked a rub on it, but you seem to be lacking in spices... or even salt and pepper. But it’s nicely marbled, what is it?”
The leader of the creatures approached and sniffed the meat before cutting a piece off with a rock-made knife. He chewed on it experimentally before nodding and howling.
Several of the mutt/trolls stabbed more meat and soon had set it up to be cooked around the pyre.
“Careful! Don’t throw it into the flames! Over the embers only! And rotate it slowly... slowly... yes. That’s it!” Wanderer D grinned, taking another bite.
“Wanderer D, are you sure you should be eating that?” Doctor Whooves asked, approaching him with a slightly disgusted look on his face.
“Eh, why not? Might go to waste otherwise. I still haven’t figured out what it is though.”
Doctor Whooves rolled his eyes. “Well, let me give you a hint: the leader of the creatures said they hunted ponies. What do you suppose they hunt ponies for?”
Wanderer D blinked and his chewing slowed down. He looked at one of the piles of meat where he could now make out a hoof poking out. He swallowed. “Oh.”
A small flash behind him made both, Wanderer D and Doctor Whooves look at Wanderer D’s flank, where a long fork, crossed with a pair of tongs proudly was displayed over a glowing piece of charcoal.
“I got my cutie mark!” Wanderer D cheered.
“But- you... wha- what does that even mean!?” Doctor Whooves asked.
“It means Bobby Flay better pray I never come back!” Wanderer D grinned, taking another bite of meat. When the Doctor gave him an incredulous look, he sighed and set it down. “Fine. I can grill fish too.”
“My friends!” the leader of the pack approached. “I, the Mighty Groggagphar, welcome you to our fire! Eat and make merry! For we are close the Ceremony of Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer!”
Doctor Whooves and Wanderer D looked at each other. “Doctor,” Wanderer D ventured, “why is it that that wasn’t translated?”
“Because... it’s probably an actual name!” The Doctor said, turning to bow slightly at Groggagphar. “We accept your invitation, Might Groggagphar!”
Mighty Groggagphar chuckled. “You have no choice! You have been chosen!”
“That... does not sound good,” Wanderer D said, taking another bite of pony.
“Stop doing that!” Doctor Whooves said, batting the piece of meat out of Wanderer D’s mouth. “Bad pony! Bad!”
“Ouch! Hooves are hard! Don’t do that!”
“Well, stop eating your own species!”
“We don’t know if it was an earth pony!”
“You know what I mean!”
“Tch. Fine.”
The Might Groggagphar had watched the exchange in amusement. “I do not know how you ponies learned to speak our language, but it is very funny!”
“Yes, it is, isn’t it?” The Doctor muttered. “So, Mighty Groggagphar, what exactly is this Ceremony of Mahahaeh?”
“Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer,” the Mighty Groggagphar corrected.
“Yes, what you said,” Wanderer D nodded. “What is it?”
The Mighty Groggagphar laughed. “Do not worry my friend, since you were chosen you will meet the Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer soon, and then, all your questions will be answered.”
“We’re going to be sacrificed, aren’t we?” Wanderer D sighed.
“Yes,” the Mighty Groggagphar said.
“Figures,” Wanderer D sighed. “Fine, lead us to wherever we are supposed to be.
“I will, but first... let me play you the song of my people!”
Wanderer D raised an eyebrow as the drums started playing again. “No... it can’t be!”
“What is it?!” The Doctor asked as he started nodding his head to the drums.
“It’s...”
o.0.o
After a long time of partying, Wanderer D and Doctor Whooves stood inside a cage on top of a platform made of piled rocks, surrounded by torches and overseeing the grilling mutt-trolls.
“What should we call them?” Wanderer D asked after a moment. “I can’t keep thinking of them as mutt/trolls or ‘diamond dog/troll abominations’. There must be an easier name, like... Dalek or something inane like that.”
Doctor Whooves shook his head. “Daleks are dangerous, and anyone who is not afraid of them is–”
“Me,” Wanderer D scoffed. “Why should I be afraid of things that exist only in–” he looked at his hoof. “Oh. Right.” He sighed. “I’ll just call them Trodogs.”
“So, any idea what this Maha’heh bloke might be?”
Wanderer D sighed. “None whatsoever, but I do wonder what they’re doing?”
“They seem to be throwing pieces of their hunt into that large stone cauldron...” Doctor Whooves said. “I think I saw them throw in bits of pony, deer, goat, a snake, a manticore arm, a desiccated lizard, an eagle and a tail that might have belonged to a young dragon.”
Wanderer D was impressed. “You have really good eyesight! But why would they be throwing all that into a cauldron?”
A distant roar shook the platform where they stood.
“I would imagine it is for whatever made that sound,” The Doctor said.
“That sounds slightly distressing...” Wanderer D agreed.
“My pony friends,” the Mighty Groggagphar smiled from ear to ear. “It has been a fun night and we have learned much about cooking meat!”
“Yes...” the Doctor glanced at Wanderer D. “We have.”
“But now it’s time to feed Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer, and you two are the surprise aperitifs,” the Mighty Groggagphar explained. “You shall be remembered.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Wanderer D asked the Doctor, who shrugged.
“You’re asking the wrong stallion, my friend.”
A really loud crunching sound slowly got louder and the trodogs started fleeing the area in terror. “Goodbye, Groggagphar!” Wanderer D called after the leader as it joined the others. “Not so mighty anymore, are we?!”
“Wanderer D! We have to figure out how to get out of here!” The Doctor said as he pulled his Sonic Screwdriver out of Hammer Space and activated it.
“I think it’s too late, doc!” Wanderer D called back. “I can see it!”
The creature rolled on top of the pyre as if it wasn’t even there. It was colossal. The front legs seemed to be trees, while the chest was made of rock. The hind legs were torrents of ice and water that propelled it forward freezing and breaking everything that it touched. Its head was a large, insectoid thing... almost ant-like, with wicked-looking pincers, but lacking the multi-faceted eyes, instead having two glowing red eyes.
“The hell is that thing!?” Wanderer D shouted. “Not even I could conceived such a creature!”
“It seems to be some sort of elemental creature! Most likely an early progenitor of the forces that we know of later, like Celestia and Luna!” the Doctor called over the din of rocks cracking and water splashing.
“That thing is Celestia’s dad?!” Wanderer D asked in undisguised horror. “How? Did it grab a pony and–”
“Not that way!”
Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer seemed to be studying the pair as they argued. “You two amuse me,” it rumbled. “I shall take you with me as pets.”
Wanderer D cast an annoyed glance at the Doctor. “You were saying?”
The Doctor shook his head. “I’m sure it’s not as bad as you’re thinking!” he turned to look at Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer. “You, Mahahaha or whatever you’re called, what do you intend to do with us?”
“You will provide entertainment to me until I get bored, and THEN I will eat you,” Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer replied as it turned around.
“Look!” Doctor Whooves pointed at several pieces of wood and metal and rock that constantly fell off of Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer’s body. “That’s how they gather the wood for fire and get ores for weapons! In exchange for easy food, it provides them with some basic needs! It’s symbiotic!”
“Whoop de doo,” Wanderer D muttered. “As impressive as it is, I’m more worried about our immediate future.”
Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer extended one of the trees that served as forelegs and giant roots shot out encasing both the rock cauldron and the cage. Soon, Wanderer D and Doctor Whooves were watching the remains of the pyre become smaller and smaller as they moved away.
o.0.o
As they approached what they supposed was Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer’s lair, a faint, red glow started making the world visible. Soon, the presence of rivers of flowing lava revealed the reason behind it. Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer avoided the lava until it reached a humongous cave, which practically split a mountain in half.
Once the cage was put down, the Doctor spoke up. “Well, Mr. Mahahaha, how about you let us free? Eh? You really don’t want us to for food or pets, we’re not good for that.”
“Nope, we aren’t,” Wanderer D agreed. “But, if you are going to eat one of us, eat me first.”
“Wanderer D!” Doctor Whooves grabbed the former human from the shoulders. “What are you doing?! Do you want to die?”
Wanderer D grinned. “Don’t worry! I have a katana!”
Doctor Whooves’ mouth opened and closed a few times before he stammered, “A-a katana?! What good it that? Mwahahaha is huge! And made of stone, water, wood and probably fire, not to mention the insect-like head!”
“Eh, I’ll deal with it. You go get the TARDIS and rescue my ass before I get killed.”
Doctor Whooves frowned. “Your Ass? You have an ass? Is he in danger? Why do you need me to–” he was stopped by a hoof to the mouth.
“My flank, I meant my flank. Save my flank,” Wanderer D corrected.
“Oh...” Doctor Whooves said at length.
The top of the cage was torn off and a root picked up Wanderer D, taking him up all the way to Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer’s face. “You want to be eaten, pony? I much prefer live food than...” its fiery eyes looked down at the cauldron. “That.”
“You don’t have the guts to eat me!” Wanderer D shouted. “Look at me in the eye and tell me you do!”
The roots pulled him closer, until he was staring at an eye that was almost as big as he was. Quickly, Wanderer D pulled out the katana and stabbed the sword into the eye of Mord- Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme.
The monstrous elemental roared in surprise, letting Wanderer D fall straight into the Cauldron. Spitting out unknown substances, Wanderer D quickly climbed out as Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nepheme started raging in the room, hitting the walls with its tree-like appendages and sending cold water splashing all around.
“Run Doctor!” he urged as the colossus’ blood splattered around him. Wherever it hit, grass and flowers would blossom.
“Would you look at that!” The Doctor exclaimed in surprise from a perch on the side of the cavern.
“Doctor! The TARDIS!”
“Oh, yes! I’ll be right back! Try not to die!”
“Hurry then!”
As the Doctor clambered out of the cavern, several globs of blood landed next to Wanderer D and inside the cauldron. “I’d better get out of here before–” he was interrupted by the cry of a baby of some sort coming from the cauldron itself.
Wanderer D’s eyes widened as he quickly jumped in, finding all the random pieces of animals gone and at the very bottom... “Oh, hell...” he dove down and picked the baby Discord with his mouth, jumping out and instantly dodging huge flailing limbs and icy water.
“Dmph ph oph toh fll!” He groaned as he ran up the ledges of the cavern until he was roughly over Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer. Throwing the baby onto his back, he looked over his shoulder. “Okay, kiddo, better hold on!”
“Adadada!” baby Discord gargled.
Taking several, quick breaths, Wanderer D jumped off the ledge and landed behind Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer’s head, who reacted by smashing his way out of the cavern.
o.0.o
“Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer must be pleased!” The Mighty Groggagphar announced. “Our sacrifices have blessed us with more wood, rock and water to survive and hunt for more ponies to grill!”
The cheers that rose around him were so loud that they didn’t notice the rumbling until it was too late. The Mighty Groggagphar didn’t even know what happened when Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer burst into their congregation, howling in pain with a pony holding a creature on its back.
The trodogs stared in awe as Wanderer D rode their god towards a lake of lava.
Wanderer D’s eyes widened. “Um, that doesn’t look good.”
“Dadadada!” Discord giggled, snot comming from his nose.
“Kid, you know how to fly?” Wanderer D jokingly asked.
“I do!” A toddler-aged Discord chuckled.
“What the hay!?” Wanderer D shouted, almost slipping off Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer’s back.
“I’m growing!” Discord announced, floating up and smiling.
“Huh, that’s pretty cool!” Wanderer D grinned.
“Dad, are you sure you want to fall into the lava?” Discord asked.
Wanderer D looked back just as Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer shot over a ledge and sailed through the air, straight towards the lake of lava. “No! Now that you mention it, no!”
Teenage Discord snapped his fingers and suddenly the both of them were standing in the middle of the decimated area where the Trodogs watched in morbid fascination as their god took a pain-driven, mad plunge into the lake of lava.
And then he exploded.
Wherever the blood of Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer landed, flora sprung up, and since he had been decimated, the area was quite vast indeed.
“Well done, son!” Wanderer D patted Discord’s back as the remaining Trodogs fell to their knees in front of them. “Remember, everything is cool as long as we’re having fun, right?”
Discord grinned. “That’s right, dad!”
Wanderer D nodded and looked at the Trodogs. “Remember my name! For I am, Wanderer D!” he hollered, raising back on his hind legs.
With a crunch a piece of rock that used to be part of Maha’heh’aha’hor’hor’kaf’nog’ed’k’l’k-nephemer landed on top of Wanderer D.
Discord’s eyes went wide. “Dad!”
o.0.o
The huge continent that was Luna didn’t seem to be amused. “Wanderer D... you are responsible for Discord?”
Wanderer D would have gulped if he had a throat. “I um... I- I blame it all on Lauren Faust! She came up with him! Not me! And De Lancie! Blame him too!”
Luna sighed. “Well, what’s done is done,” she muttered. “Try to land in Ponyville next time.”
Wanderer D shook his head. “What? How do you expect me to do so when you dump me on top of a cloud? Hell, I was lucky the TARDIS was able to pick me up before the parachute was completely destroyed!”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Fine, I will make a new body for you and we will solve the problem of dropping you anywhere once and for all.”
Wanderer D looked at her incredulously. “Are you crazy? Seriously? I went back in time and created Discord!”
“And he in turn...” she trailed off. “Well, let’s just say it ended up benefiting me and my sister, so you are forgiven.”
“Oh, thank you so much, your highness,” Wanderer D growled.
“Anyway, how would you like to be a pegasus, Wanderer D?” Luna asked, a small smile playing on her continent-sized lips.
Wanderer D’s squeal of joy was heard down the hall, where one of the guards shuddered.
o.0.o End Chapter 2 o.0.o
Next chapter:
Wow! You’re really, really bad at flying!
Don’t worry! I have a katana!
It’s the destroyer! He’s back!
These guys seem really scared of you. Who are you, exactly?
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"Don't worry, I have a katana!" is going to quickly become this story's catchphrase.
Katanas fix everything.
DON'T WORRY! HE HAS A KATANA!
I demand moar and sooner too.
Katanas are too strong.
Need nerf now.
753339 Of course, they're weapons infused with awesome.
Is there going to be a chapter called "Don't worry, I have a katana"?
When in doubt, use a katana.
How did ancient troll-dogs get their paws on KISS?
As hilarious as this is, I fear that you're laying it on a little too thick.
Oh look, a new chapter, with Wanderer as an Earth pony. I wonder what's gonna- DON'T WORRY, I HAVE A KATANA! Gaaahhhhh, what was that?!
Oh, by the nine Gods of Grandesu, Ryoga!!! The perpetual Lost Boy, ha! I love Ranma 1/2
It is known that Unicorns, Earth Ponies, and Pegasi can interbreed and produce children of any of those three races. Thus they are, in fact, the same species.
I laughed so much at this. Especially at the they party hard line.
Your trolling of Luna when the guard came in was hilarious.
I'm not worried! You have a katana!
...Actually that's a pretty good reason to be worried, now that I think about it.
Also, I have learned not to trust the "next chapter" section as any more than a vague outline of the next chapter and a source of propaganda suggesting that I shouldn't be too worried about you having a katana.
Countdown to image macro for "Don't Worry! I have a katana!"
This. Is. WIn.
da fuq
Finally a HiE in which the dude actually eats a pony and not just scares them with his canines.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png "Dad, are you space?"
:littlepip: "Yes. Now we are a family again."
Screw the rules, I have a katana!
753446
img.ponibooru.org/_images/829884989b9d22298e49db6a2b48b730/112123%20-%20macro%20pinkie_pie%20thats_the_joke.jpg
I also want a family reunion between Discord and Wanderer D.
753509
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/22058359.jpg
Worship me... for I have a KATANA!
753655 Yeah, me too. ^.^
I almost want to follow this just for the Ranma 1/2 references. It's nice to know there are other old people out there :granysmithemoticon:
This is one of the few decent HiE stories I've read, and I love it with all my heart. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
img214.imageshack.us/img214/250/motivatorbab79c02690cd5.jpg
This story has such a profound and thought provoking plot. I can hardly contain myself as I await the next installment. Good show chap
Katanas. They kill, but you can't live without them
753420
Well, KISS is pretty aged now.....guzer.com/pictures/grandma_loves_kiss.jpg Oh well, grandma loves'em!
“Wanderer D,” Wanderer D introduced himself extending a hoof and wondering how in the name of Celestia’s Solar-Flaring orgasms a hoof shake worked. “But you can call me D, or WD if you like.”
Wanderer D, are you a lubricant?
759151
KISS must age well if their over 5000 years old.
This is beautiful.
Wanderer D created the universe. *Headcanon*
Wanderer, I think you've spent too much time on TVTropes. 'Cuz you know, katanas are just better.
My ears do not agree with Kiss.
Katanas... the weapon Chuck Norris does not use because it would destroy the universe. Also as soon as Whooves said "the possibilities are endless!" I had to listen to Endless Possibility. God Sonic, you're modern games after Adventure 2 and till Sonic Colors may have sucked but at least we can count on a awesome soundtrack.
Oh. My. Gosh. Now I want a baby Discord. (He can't be much more chaotic than seven cats, right?)
So... Wanderer D... pretty much... created all of Equestria... And Discord...
Oh well, not to worry, I have a katana
LOLing so hard.
Yes, the katana bit was funny, but I DIED laughing when Wanderer blatantly says "Aeris dies". I mean WOW. Awesome for that.
I know I shouldn't have, but when I saw that last line, I expected this.
"Talking is a free action!"
I applauded the story at this point. (I spend way too much time in TVTropes...)
This read like Dr McNinja. Only without the “Mcninja” and with “plus Wanderer D too.”
Oh, and you’re Discord’s father. I accept this as the one true canon, and fanfics shall be written about it. By me. Many fanfics. All of which I’m emailing to you.
I found it heartbreaking because Discord watched his father die and problly granted his fathers last wish, to have fun no matter what!
Creator discord... Nice title.
I'm no good at writing comedy. I know this because this chapter, while funny, messed with my head so much that I am fairly certain that most of it could have been drug induced.
Well, at least you didn't tell him he rode Lightning. Or vice versa.
Ow. My sides.
That would explain so much.
Why would we blame him? He's awesome.