• Published 20th Nov 2011
  • 11,830 Views, 74 Comments

The Humanification Bureau - Ezn

In the grimdark future of MLP, there are only humans.

  • ...

Act Three: "The End of Ponies"

Act Three: "The End of Ponies"

"But it was not, as some had predicted, the end of the world. Instead, the apocalypse was simply the prologue for another bloody chapter in pony history."
– Kkat, Fallout: Equestria

"Hey! Who are you? How long have you been here?!"

The foyer of the Greater Canterlot Humanification Bureau was a mess. Magazines were strewn everywhere – on the couches, on the floor, on the receptionist's counter, and even on the still blades of the ceiling fan. A bleary-eyed Monochrome looked up from one of the ones lying on the carpet as he noticed a human-shaped shadow fall on him.

"Did you know?" he asked, ignoring the question.

The shadow-bearer looked angry and somewhat perplexed; Monochrome felt a little upset that their first meeting was such a negative one. Rarity's purple hair hadn't given away her identity immediately, but there could be no mistaking the woman in the room, with her multi-coloured locks and cyan tracksuit, for anyone other than Rainbow Dash.

"Did I know what? That you entered this building when we were closed?! No, not until now. Duh!"

Monochrome sighed. "Look, the door was open. Well, that is, it wasn't locked. I just wanted to look at some magazines."

"A likely story!" Dash retorted. "Rarity told me a pony matching your description came in here earlier with a humanification candidate! She said you didn't want to get humanified! You guys had an argument about it and everything!"

"That is true."

"Are you a spy? Are you from the PLF?"

"What's the PLF?"

"Pony Liberation Front. You know, the sickos who tried to kill everypony during the speeches!"

"Oh, so now I'm a terrorist just because I have some reservations about completely altering my species and identity? Is that how it is?"

"Well..." Dash's mouth went dry.

"You know what? I don't even care anymore."

Monochrome picked up the magazine he had been reading in his mouth and brought it to Dash, spitting it out before her white running shoes.

"Pick that up with your fancy human hands," he sneered. "Pick that up and page through it with those dexterous human fingers that magazines and books are obviously designed to be used by."

Dash knelt down to retrieve the magazine and did as she was instructed. She saw some pretty pictures of humans and buildings and things. They were nice, but Dash couldn't quite see the point Monochrome was making.

"Bowling balls. Saddles. Writing quills. Chairs and benches and beds. They were all designed for humans – even the ones in Equestria."

Dash raised an eyebrow. "And your point?"

Monochrome chuckled dangerously, and his left eye twitched nervously. "At first, I thought it was a trick. Some weird technology thing – humans planting magazines in their waiting rooms that made them appear relatable to ponies."

The ceiling fan came to life, dropping magazines on the floor and table as its blades slowly began whirring.

"But then I read some more, and I really got to thinking about it. Why do our bowling balls have finger holes? And while I was reading, I noticed how much of a pain it was turn pages without unicorn magic... or hands. 'Why's that?' I wondered. How does that make sense?"

The crazy look in Monochrome's eyes was starting to scare Dash a little, and she took a few steps backwards, slowly edging towards the door.

"We're just a copy – a simplification. Humans have ponies in their world – they're just dumb beasts, like dogs or rabbits. We're a copy of them – a shallow copy devoid of depth or meaning. I used to be proud to be a pony, and that pride was what kept me going. But now..."

Monochrome paused, shooting Dash a few deranged glares, which made her inch further backwards.

"Now I don't even have that. Ponies don't matter. We're nothing."

With that, Monochrome slumped into a sad heap on the floor, his anger and insane energy leaving him like the air from a deflating balloon. Dash stared blankly at the grey and black heap in front of her for a moment, until she could contain herself no longer.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" she laughed. "Oh dude, dude, what? What?"

Monochrome perked up slightly. This was not the reaction he had been expecting.

"Talk about overthinking! You should meet my friend Twilight – you guys would get along great!"

Dash keeled over on the ground, her body racked with laughter, and her fist pounding the floor.


"Yeah, dummy," said Dash, wiping a tear from her eye, "of course there are going to be similarities! We're all smart, we all talk, and we all read books and stuff! And as for bowling balls: they just look cooler with holes."

Monochrome sighed. She didn't get it, and she probably never would. Not everyone had his analytical mind. In fact, very few people did. He would be lucky to find anyone who could sympathise.

"I guess you're probably right," he lied, pulling himself up off the floor. "Maybe I do overthink things every once in awhile."

"No doubt!" Dash replied, picking herself off the ground and smoothing out her tracksuit.

"I'm sorry for intruding. I just needed to do some research on humans, really. I had no malevolent intentions."

"'S'alright... I've decided I quite like you, kid. That act if yours is gonna keep me smilin' all day."

"I'm... glad I could be useful."

Monochrome headed for the door, with Dash waving after him.

"Don't forget to come back later, when you're ready to get humanified!"

"I won't."


"Sign here, and initial here, and you're done!"

"I'm glad."

"Thank you, Mister Orange."

"Please, keep calling me Monochrome."

A week had passed since Monochrome's last trip to the Bureau, and in that time he had done a good deal of thinking. It had taken an enormous measure of determination to finally leave his shack and go to the Bureau to get humanified, but he had put his head down and done it, not looking back for a second.

"I'd like to make a special request, if possible," he asked Rarity, just before nosing the form across the counter to her.

"I'm sure we can set you up in a room near Rachel's, don't you wo–"

"No, it's not that." Definitely not that.

"Then what is it? I'm afraid I can't let you customize your human form; that sort of thing is outside of the scope of this service."

"It's not that either. I just want... could you... I'd like it if..."


"I want you to erase my memory. When I'm human, I don't want to remember being a pony. I want to believe that I was born a human."

Rarity ummed and ahhed for a moment.

"Can't you do it?"

"No, no, of course we can. It's actually a more common request than you might expect."

"So you've done it before?"

"Yes... a few times."

"So then that's fine. Sign me up!"

"Are you absolutely sure, though? After you lose your memories, you can never get them back."

"Yes, I'm quite sure."

Rarity looked into the pony's dark brown eyes, searching for any speck of doubt or uncertainty. She could find none in his blank, almost lifeless stare.

"Well, alright then. We'll erase your memory on humanification."

Monochrome smiled, thanked Rarity, and trotted towards the back room door. Before he opened it, Rarity called after him.

"I'm glad you made this choice. The choice to get humanified, before it's too late."

The pony stared back at the human.

"There was no choice. I was never a pony."

Before Rarity could reply, Monochrome had disappeared through the door and into the darkness beyond. Pushing her bewilderment to one side of her mind, Rarity reached for the nail file beneath her counter, and started filing the nails of her left hand. She was becoming rather good at it.

Comments ( 65 )

that was interesting

:heart: Absolutely loved it. Totally amazing, in fact I found it easier to relate to than the original series. You accomplished so much in so little text. I applaud thee. :twilightsmile:

#3 · Nov 20th, 2011 · · ·

Wow the first actually creative idea with the conversion bureau premise since the story actually began!

I applaud you, sir. It's no easy feat taking something as dry as those stories and doing something new with them.

I just have this image of a long term cycle, humans turn into ponies and leave for some paradise to escape their fate barring a rare few, ponies end up screwing everything up millenia down the line, and the humans that remained and fixed up their world arrive to lead the ponies to become human and escape their doomed world. Leaving a few remaining ponies to stay, clean up their world and flourish again. Ad Nauseum. :pinkiecrazy:


Glad you enjoyed it!

I know, right? How's a pony supposed to relate to stories about humans turning into ponies? Totally alien. I wanted to write a story by ponies, for ponies. Because, as you know, we are all ponies here.

There's about a 95% chance that there won't be further updates, and this is marked as complete, so, well, yeah.

The idea popped into my head one day and wouldn't leave me alone. It resulted in me finally writing a TCB fic... of a sort.

Eyup, that's probably pretty much how it goes. All Star Warsy and whatnot.


"There's about a 95% chance that there won't be further updates"
To clarify: I may add an epilogue later, if I feel the need to. Additionally, this story is not immune to edits.


I'm tired of all human-->pony stories, yay for pony-->human story! Thanks!

Do I even have to read this? I already like it! Bout time someone wrote something like this!

This was pretty good, but it could have been better. Such plot had a lot more potential than that you explored, but in the little you did it was good. A different twist indeed

i agree. this should mushroom into a mini franchise like the original. but still, FIVE STARS!


I try. =)

You speak truth. If I'd spent more than two days on this, it would probably be a good deal longer and explore a lot more stuff, but that's not really how it happened. As I said above, future editing is not out of the question.

I just saw your work on ponychan. this is very new and creative idea. speaking of different ideas, do you know of a conversion bureau fanfic in which instead of
Earth becoming like Equestria, the opposite happens?

I've held off on reading any of The Conversion Bureau stories because frankly the idea of people being forced to turn into ponies was both nonsensical and varyingly misanthropic. So, that begs the question, is the concept any better when the roles are reversed? . . . No, not in the slightest. This whole story has left an unpleasant taste in my mouth, for much the same reason the TCB concept did. It's a dark and distopic story that paints one species are the inherently better elves and the other species as poor lost souls that only need to change their species to make everything better. It's like Avatar, only without the rage-inducing military stupidity or poorly thought out resource conflict.

Also, "the sun and the moon colliding in the sky"? That has got to be one of the silliest things I've ever read.

36492 That's why i like Why? by Minalkra

I liked this way more than the real story

You're not alone in that feeling.
It sounded like Celestia was intending to take human land. What was supposed to happen to the humans who are happy how they are? Are they forced from their homes? Do they simply die from the magic? Or starve because society has been gutted?
It sounded to me like a "Either become a pony, or you're screwed". Which then sounds remarkably close to human actions, which the ponies are so steadfast against.
And I can't see the leader of ANY country accepting humans being forced from their homes. That would simply lead to war.

36596 And only one fanfic I've read questioned why she's doing this now. I do like reading the converison bureau stories, but what you two just said is precisely why they piss me off every time i read one of them.


Nope, sorry. There might be one out there, but I'm not really an expert on the TCB thing as a whole.

Going into this story, I had planned to make the humans' a more morally ambiguous bunch, but if I've managed to provoke this kind of a reaction, that means I must have failed. Looking back on the story, yes, they are too angelic. You have a good point, and I thank you for your criticism. I will strive to do better in future.

(Also, I didn't like Avatar for basically all those reasons. Stupid movie; I'm glad everyone's forgotten about it.)

36840 Thanks anyway. that would be a nice twist in the earth becoming equestria though.

Absolutely Brilliant to the Nth Degree.

hahaa! brilliant!

I love the reversal! You fiend though, you've left enough plot bunnies that somepony could seriously consider writing in this subversion!


I've written a bit about that in my newest-ish stuff, "the day the sky changed". I've also touched on it in "Gypsy".

Basically, for whatever reason, the Earth WILL be swallowed whole by Equestria in a lot of these fics - that's the dark side to the heaven being offered. All you have to do is say goodbye to your thumbs. If you don't like that, write about it!

You're one of the few people I've come across in a long while (besides the person I'm beta-reading for) who hasn't met my concerns with a simple brush off. :rainbowderp: I honestly wasn't expecting that . . . So, wow, thank you. You've absolutely floored me with that response. :twilightsheepish:
Ahem. Besides the Can't Argue With Elves trope. the main problem I've had with this fic, and the whole TCB concept really, is that there's no third option. You either become an alien (and possibly have your mind wiped, that was another problem with this fic), or you die. There's no option to live on Earth or Equestria with a magical/anti-magical life support system, or undergo genetic engineering, or get cybernetic augmentation, or take medicine, or any other method to cancel out the toxic effects of the new environment. Indeed, it'd probably be more interesting to have a fic like Alien Nation, where the ponies/humans can't go home and have to contend with living their lives amongst aliens who look nothing like them.

It's not just goodbye to ones thumbs. It's goodbye to yourself. To humanity.
Not to mention Celestia's solution will probably result in the eradication of ALL life on the planet that's not pony or in Equestia. Total wasteland/desert. Or unless humans are somehow super duper special, totally not actually an animal.

And sorry, but I'm not going to read any TCB after the original, I just read the comments sometimes. The entire concept is horrifically depressing, from forced (at proverbial gunpoint) loss of humanity, to starvation of those who wish to keep it (Unless somehow handless ponies are capable of handling farming equipment designed for humans (And that's IF the ponies haven't been already evacuated. (Evacuating the entire world? Would take months. Months with little food)), to the disease from gutted medical facilities, and forced takeover of land. And then... a final mass genocide.

And painting it in a good light.

The comments here have restored my faith in the brony community. it's good to see that common sense still exist! Hurray for the story and hurray for the lack of the usual stupidity that follows the TCB universe!


Hey, let it never be said that I can't take criticism. I'm an adult; I don't need ceaseless adoration to feel good about myself. Also, it's good to see a reviewer who's not afraid to pull his punches on a fanfiction site. Keep fighting the good fight, brony.

Yeah, there are quite a few hanging threads and areas of the world left un-dealt-with. Expanding on everything probably would have made this fic half exposition. =/

I appreciated this story very much. I especially appreciated the almost-breaking-the-fourth-wall of "We’re just a copy - a simplification. Humans have ponies in their world - they’re just dumb beasts, like dogs or rabbits. We’re a copy of them - a shallow copy devoid of depth or meaning."

Unfortunately, that's what happens when you enjoy a show that was designed so young kids could also appreciate it.


I try.

It's My Little Pony: the darkest grimdarky dark thing ever (if some of the fics are to be believed).

I've gotta admit that I just kinda made up Kage's name, but I see how that might have been fitting.

I'll admit that I was quite proud of that little idea.

What a twist! I must admit that the idea behind the story is rather entertaining. I must give this a read and post my resulting reaction with a simple little emoticon.

This a very interesting premise.
Especially the "Equestria designed for fingers" part. Did it somehow become inspired by humans? Have they visited before? Hell, maybe Equestria is merely some massive human science project?
"The Thessalonica Legacy" tackled this question in an interesting way, but I won't post spoilers here.

On top of that the whole selfless human benefactor vibe and the lack of description for them, which leaves a lot of questions unanswered. So I agree, this has a lot potential for sequels and other stories based on it :pinkiesmile:

Sadly, I am not a good author.



That's what I was going for.

Thanks, I'll check out Thessalonica.

I've been approached by an interested party already, and I mentioned in multiple places that anyone who wants to write something in this universe has my full approval (and by doing so, will make me squeal with delight).

>Sadly, I am not a good author.
That makes two of us!

Don't beat yourself up about "not being a good author". I mean, don't write something because you feel obligated to, but don't let self-doubt stop you from writing if you ever get an idea that excites you. We all have to start somewhere. But, again, only write if you want to.

Good show, mate.


Will read tomorrow :duck:


It's a pretty in-jokey sorta fic, but IDK, maybe people who aren't well-versed in TCB stuff can still get something out of it.

This is a good opportunity to link to the Conversion Bureau MST some guys at /fic/ and I did. It's how I ended up actually reading the story this is based on.

has the interested party or anyone else released anything? I'm still interested, but haven't noticed anything based on this story so far.


There's been some interest, but I don't think anything's come of it yet.

That really creeped me out, but in a good way. Fun story; it seems that the transformation process isn't as creepily brainwashing as it is in other TCB stories. I couldn't help but feel there was some agenda going on with the humans though. Got me thinking, which is always good.


The idea of ponified humans being brainwashed to be happier and unable to swear and stuff never really sat well with me, because I don't see ponies that way. They're different from humans, certainly, and their society is much more idealistic, but it's just not my headcanon that they're always morally superior to humans because of some switch in their brains. No offense to any other authors, of course – I'm sure that's an interesting concept to explore and all, but it's just not how I see things.

If I ever wrote a vanilla TCB story, there are a lot of things I'd do very differently.

Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you liked it!

Comment posted by BronyReynard1986 deleted Dec 2nd, 2016

i hate parodies but this was awesome :rainbowlaugh:

Very interesting

Needs more humans.

That was good.

I don't usually read these but this looks better then the rest.

Odd stuff.

I want to blindly upvote this, but I can't. It's simply too slender to stand on it's own. Too many unexplained things. I get that it's an inversal, but that's not going to excuse the fact that you deus-ex-machina'd the mane six back to life in an inexplicably corrupt Equestria, and sidestepped a potentially massive, "this is the sixth time we've done this"-esque plot twist with the bowling ball issue. Little to no explanation is given as to why humans are just so much dang better than equestrians, so on.

It could be a blindingly stellar story, all of my upboats, etc, but... not enough flesh on these bones for me to even whet my appetite, and what little I got left a sour taste in my mouth anyhow. It's middling, at best.


Oh, I agree. This wasn't terribly well thought out and I'll admit I pretty much just rushed it out as a quick joke, really just for the sake of there being a TCB reversal. It's a little embarrassing that it seems to have been one of my most popular stories. I'm sure the premise could make for a much better story, as you said, but I don't really think I'm interested enough in all this TCB stuff to write that story.

Still, thanks for the read and the comment (it's always a special treat to get a lengthy comment, regardless of content), and thanks to all the others who read and faved in this little spike of interest. I haven't touched this story except to fix a spelling mistake or two in over a year, and while I've idly toyed with the idea of writing a sequel or even rewriting this, there's a lot of other stuff I'm more interested in writing, so that probably won't happen.

Blast these awesome fics that make me want to write fanfics about fanfics.

Login or register to comment