Applebottom Jeans

by Jake Witt

S1 Episode 2/2: There's no racism here; we just don't like blue humans.

If you are looking for Spike; he's not in the episode. But you know what is?

A creepy forest!

Twilight paused in her hop; looking back she saw the random objects and two humans from earlier. "...and why are you five following me?"

"The six of us were dropped into this forest without exposition reasoning," the Pinkie human said. Her fashion sense of tall boots distracted everyone taller than her from the unnatural pink skin color.

Apple Jack whistled through her zipper as her jacket arms crossed, "I'd like some boots like that."

"Maybe with some fur," Rarity added from Fluttershrub's back.

Pinkie boots smiled as she followed herself over to Twilight, "So... why are we here?"

"The blue human lady moon princess... thing is bringing eternal night and escaped into this creepy forest!"

Fluttershrub glared at her, "Why? Because they have faces and promote musicals about bravery?"

Everyone looked around, Rainbow adding, "Nooo?" as the others nodded.

"I really hate you books, but I'll not hold too much of a grudge. I'm very kind like that." She continued along the path until Twilight transitioned back into the leadership role.

"And then a manticore showed up to kick their-" Everyone stared at the ferocious manticore while Pinkie said, "-butts!"

Rarity tossed herself at the beast, making it stagger after the "pomf" collision. The (marshmallow/pillow) ran back to safety, hopping into where Apple Jack's torso would've been if she had a body. "And then she hopped out to avoid RariJack shipping. "My apologies, dear." she added when she reached ground level."

...alright? Ahem.

Fluttershrub planted herself into the ground near the manticore, holding the beast up and taking out the needle in its paw. She uprooted herself, giving the monster a hug as it licked her. The shy shrub planted a pear and stuck it on his tail, "Now just hide in a bush until something small comes near. Pear squirrel is good; I've been told."

It nodded and skipped away before cutely diving into a bush in the distance.

They shrugged the whole encounter off like it was nothing, "soon finding a giant gay sea monster with half of a mustache. It was so whiny and gay that Rarity gave him some of Fluttershy the tree-pony's tail extensions for a mustache." Needless to say, Steven Magnet was happy and Fluttershrub was livid.

---

"Oh hey, adventure!" Pinkie ringed.

Rainbow stepped inside of the phone booth, lifting the phone to her head, "No Pinkie; that's a broken bridge."

Dashie got REKT no scope with an apple, pushing Pinkie over to Fluttershrub, "I thing AJ needs help."

Over by the bridge, a lone pair of jeans was trying to pull a purple book up a nearby cliff; Apple Jack used so much force to toss her apple, the top part of her fell off.

"Wake Rainbow," "she said," "She's the one that can fly."

"But you can make strong roots!" Pinkie protested.

"Actually, I think I'm fine," "Lazy Dash said, preparing to run." But then she stopped, "Never mind, I think Fluttershrub should do it."

"After a pointless narrative argument, Rainbow saves Twilight Sparkle book just like in the pony-canon version."

No, Fluttershrub saves her.

"Fluttershrub hates books, Twilight is a book, a book with the same name is hated by all, Twilight is taking residence in Fluttershrub's Grandfather, and original Fluttershy wanted to be a tree."

I still want Fluttershrub to save her.

"Too bad. Also, there's a fog that blocks the view of Rainbow Dash as she flies over to grab the other end of the bridge. Go on."

There she meets three blue skinned Wonderbolts with the very original name of Shadowbolts. *I'm taking a breath.*

Rainbow shakes her head, "Sorry I can't join you."

"They never asked yet."

"But if I were blue I would die, if you were green you would die, and it isn't easy being green," she referenced smugly, "Also I have my new friends, you know."

"No. They don't know. In fact, why are not letting them speak?"

They're blue.

"That's offensive towards Luna and that blue guy that drinks silver. I think it applies to the blue man group? I don't care."

Rainbow returned the rope bridge to the group, making it possible to cross. Rarity stared at the bridge, "I am not getting my paws on that."

Fluttershrub rolled her eyes, "Is it because its made of decayed wood?"

Pinkie raptor craned her head, "Dangling over what looks like a bottomless that would kill most of us, leaving our deaths in you and Rainbow's souls." She gave a huge, carnivorous smile, "I say we rush it! YOLO!" And she did so, breaking some of the boards she ran on.

As soon as Apple Jack's blue jean jacket regained its invisible human shape, her phly gave out a sigh before zipping back up, "Honestly, that was a dumb idea."

"That's your honesty route? No drop of faith?"

We had an argument over that! Fluttershrub was going to swoop under Twilight to catch her when she fell.

"She can fly? When have you ever seen a tree fly? I think you screwed yourself over in this chapter."

Fluttershrub gave the wood enough nutrients to become sturdy enough to walk on, the broken boards regrew at her touch as well. It's tree magic!

---

Our heros "civilians" found themselves in the old ruined Castle of the... um...

Twilight was so excited about the fact that they were in a long-forgotton Castle of the Sun and Blue Moon that her pages rustled, "We're really here! Now let's find the elements-"

Rainbow cut her off there, "Elements? I thought we were going to send some blue lady back to her homeland!"

Apple Jack tilted the western hat that acted as her head, "'Homeland?' Where the hay does that mean?"

"She's from the moon! That means she must come from Space Mexico!"

Twilight took out a pen and paper, "348. Wait, 349."

Fluttershrub glared at Twilight, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making a count of how many times I hear a 'Team Four Star' quote or term."

"That's dumb. And killing trees. I'm a tree. You're killing me with every fiber of your being."

As soon as they entered the throne room, across they saw a strange device holding stone orbs... and a fish bowl with Rainbow Trout Pinkie inside. She hopped out of it long enough to scream, "It's a trap!"

Twilight took out another page along the one she held in her book magic, "1,457 and 350."

"Tree magic and book magic?"

Friendship is magic; that tree and book are friendly thus they have their own magic.

"But as mentioned: Fluttershrub hates Twilight."

"That was not even TFS!" Rainbow shouted, oblivious to the dark navy blue woman in sky blue armor with flowing, starry hair.

Nightmare Moon stared at the six friends as they stood together, thinking of her tactics. 'Book and tree? Burn. Jeans? Not my style... or size. A human girl with wings? The rainbow hair tells me that she might be... distraction! Clever girl. Athletic build, but stupid. Marshmallow? I shall devour it. And... that pink thing has no specific physical form.'

As Piano Pie began playing, Twilight rushed Nightmare Moon. It was then the moon queen realized that she lacked the fire magic she thought she had, allowing an opening for Twilight Sparkle to teleport past her and attempt to use the elements. Luckily for the Nightmare, nobody knew how to use them.

Not letting the chance slip, she destroyed the elements and almost burned some of Twilight's memory pages.

The elements shards fell to the ground, all hope was lost. "That is until Twilight found a new purple page within her."

Nightmare Moon darted her head around the room, "Where did that voice come from?! Why is it purple?! No matter, you have lost!"

"No, we haven't!" Twilight yelled as her face rose up to it's usual spot, "Our world has similar rules to that of 'Yu-Gi-Oh!'"

"Oh, my sister..." Nightmare hissed as she winced at the awful writing and storyline. Heck, the real cards didn't correspond with the show's rules!

"You might have destroyed the Elements of Harmony, weapons made to destroy you!"

"A little late with that exposition, Twi!" Pinkie commented.

"But we have the traits represented! ...and I don't know how I know that," she did a weird book shrug, "But it's our friendship that binds us together!"

Rainbow looked around, "Actually two or three of us are friends, one lives with the illusion of being a friend to all, one of us hates you for being a book, and we don't really know you besides being a nerd student of our sun god with a dragon."

"Yes, friendship!" Twilight added smugly. "In no order: Fluttershrub represents kindness, taking a splinter of a beast the would have killed us!"

"I love plants and animals!" Fluttershrub countered as a gold necklace with a pink butterfly charm formed around her pony neck.

"Apple Jack represents honesty because she said 'honestly'! Rarity represents generosity because she generously gave Fluttershrub's tail extensions to a sea serpent!"

Rarity rolled her eyes as necklaces formed on Apple Jack (as a gold belt) and herself, "I didn't have enough tail hair, Shrub owed me for a disaster at my boutique, and the half-mustache was hurting my eyes."

"Rainbow Dash is the loyalist of creatures! She came back for us when we thought she abandoned us!"

AJ brought her arms to her hips, "Excuse me?"

Rainbow flew around, trying to take off her necklace with the red thunderbolt, "No! I don't want to be Apple Jack!"

Twilight smirked, "Pinkie Pie would represent YOLO, but it never existed in the past so she represents chivalry!"

"Ha ha! There is no element of chivalry, fool!" Nightmare commented, pointing a claw.

"Laughter! I said laughter."

Pinkie Pie got a gold rock with a blue balloon painted on it. She would be excited and mention how shiny it was, but pink oranges don't talk.

"And I'm the element of magic, leadership, faith, hope, friendship, books, lots of books, quesadillas, lists, schedules..."

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

"Why is she the element of magic? Because she's good at it? If that was the case then any unicorn with greater magical skill or knowledge could take her element."

Twilight Sparkle is the bearer of the element of magic, which is a tiara instead of a necklace. Inequality aside, everybody floats up into the air with glowing eyes and fires and rainbow at Nightmare Moon!

"The attack missed. What will you do? [>>Run >Attack] You run." Nightmare Moon blindly ran into the rainbow.

What came out of the rainbow was a little, blue, chibi anime girl with lighter blue hair that looked normal. She fell on her face and began squirming as she cried.

Before anything could happen, a window exploded! Coming through was a mini sun... that turned into a tan candle with a crown and a face. It's waxy limbs stretched out to the chibi blue girl as she smiled. "Luna, welcome home!"

Nightmare Moon, now Luna, didn't even acknowledge her existence due to the fact that she now had tiny feet that were viewed as physically impossible to stand on.

Everyone else in the room gasped, "Oh god it burns?!"

"Why does everyone keep calling me that? No matter," she turned her attention back to Luna, who was trying her best to stand. "Luna, it's me!"

Luna responded by falling on her back instead of her face.

"Sister, pay attention please."

Luna finally gained balance! ...then promptly fell.

Rolling her eyes, the god used her magic to allow Luna a better chance at standing-

"Oh MOTHER it burns!!!" in the aura she turned her head, "Sister? When did you arrive?" Her eyes widened as she attempted to run off, but the fire magic pulled her off the ground. "Help! Help! Thou's going to set me ablaze!"

"No, I am not!"

"Away from us, Tia, thou attention grabbing whore!"

"...and there goes my pride." Tia sighed, "I AM TRYING TO FORGIVE YOU!"

"Well, then, we are sorry." She smiled in her sister's magic, allowing herself to be pulled in a hug. It was adorable.

In the hug the sun princess added, "Also I seek forgiveness. You stuff never survived decay and I sold your jewelry."

"And we are sorry for leaving ancient artifacts in our things... like 'season ends'."

The room fell silent, even on the narration side.

---

Twilight looked around frantically, "Where are the elements of harmony? Why is there a party for Luna? Why are we in Not-Ponyville? Where is Spike?! What is going on?"

Apple Jack just stared at her as Rainbow read a memory page she found before tossing it in a river, "We walked from the castle to here and Princess Celestia demanded a party."

"Princess Who?"

"No, Doctor Who." A man said, entering a blue box and disappearing.

Rarity answered, "Oh god it burns is Princess Celestia consumed by her guilt for banishing her sister."

"Celestia has a sister?"

"I'll fill you in, later... at your library per say?"

Author's Note:

Spike sat in the Author's Notes; making sure I kept my mouth shut as he critiques my brilliance. In his claw was a purple marker that turned into dust in his grasp.

"This story sucks."

...and you're in it, big boy.

"So? This a pony ride on Hasbro's success plus your attempt to be original."

Will you shut up if I give you Rarity?

"Kill off Flash Sentry and I'll think about it."

But FlashLight!

"Here you go."

Is that supposed to be amusing?

"My question exactly." Spike tossed the web book away, replacing it with some Vintage Recent Bat Man comics.