Hope you laughed or learned something.
Lucifer learned his lesson over his bet for Job's soul: never gamble with God. But when his older brother demands the discontinuance of a "specific corruption", the Prince of Darkness takes on a different kind of challenge that might just teach him a lesson or two about the Magic of Friendship.
This is a lighthearted comedy. I mean no offense. Read the Author's Foreword for more a more detailed apology.
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Gotta say Job was one hellavu guy, lol I wanna be like him but then again if I do everyone I know will die.
funny story
[youtube=QVgZqnsytJI]
I lost it at "Oh my dad". Please, keep writing.
688573this video is epic
Made me want to rewatch GtD&B (guess. Just guess.).
698092
Did you read the Author's Foreword? Your suspicions are correct: this whole thing was inspired by GtD&B! I love that show!
freaking lol'd
Tell me who the pony is in the coverpic or so help me a thousand plagues will descend upon your kind
754231
It's Morning Star (Lucifer ponified).
754312 Thanks
754821
Heheh. You're very welcome. Thanks for reading.
Can't wait for more!
first, also much lolz. been waiting a while for the chapter thanx!
I am amazed at what you have done here.
I am laughing so, so hard right now. You are an amazing author.
I'm sorry I can't be more helpful with my comments, you seem to have knocked the seriousness out of me. What I mean to say is, I can't wait for the next chapter.
835677 Wow, thanks! That's exactly the kind of response I even write this stuff for, so thank you from the bottom of my
! I love your profile picture, by the way. Did you draw that? (New chapter should be posted by Monday. It's a little... different.)
836741
Unfortunately, I did not draw my profile image.
Now that I'm a bit more rational, I can really appreciate some of the finer things in the story. My favorite part is how you sneak in little bible references, it's so genius! Plus, the characterization of Satan is just awesome, and your style is excellent- just the right amount of description to give me a feel for where the story is, but you keep the story moving at a nice pace and not bogged down with unnecessary details.
This is really a Grade A work of fan fiction.
837834 If there was an emoticon for :ponkygrinningwildlywithtearsinhiseyes:, I would use it here. Thank you so much! I'm glad you appreciate the bible references. I really hope the chapter I'm about to post doesn't totally ruin the whole story. Let me know? If it's stupid, I'll delete it and write something else.
SORRY!
I hope the specificity of this chapter doesn't scare anyone off. I don't actually believe a lot of this stuff. I'm blending a bunch of Christian mythology to make a sort-of-original backstory for good ol' Morning Star. Lots of Renaissance-era stuff, and then some modern beliefs. The idea of a "pre-existence" is pretty controversial--but then, this whole story should be pretty controversial!
Anyway, let me know if this is straying too much from the rest of the story. It's setting up for some pretty hilarious/heartwarming stuff in the future, but I can cut it out if it's just too ridiculously religious.
I'm an atheist, and I enjoyed the hell out of it.
No pun intended.
R(34)arity? Is it bad that I agreed with you inserting that?
838467 Yes, it is, and you should feel b-
Aw, who am I kidding. That one insert made me Roll On the Floor Laughing Yet Somehow Still Type for at least an internet minute....
Speaking of which, have an internet muffin Ponky, you deserve it...
838590 R(34)ainbow Dash or Twilight Spar(34)kle are more fitting, seeing as 90% of HiE fics have the main character in a relationship with one of them. And they never get rejected, for some reason. Really, show me one fanfic where the main character (or any OC, or anyone) gets rejected by the other character in their pairing, and I'll give you an Internet pie. Two if the pairing that breaks up is many fans' OTP. Ponky, you get one of my pies for that insert, and I will semi-regularly call Rarity that if she is a major romantic character in the story I am currently commenting on, but only if she soon will, has implied to have done so, or already has had sexytimes during that story. Or has a large part in the sexytimes subplot of the story. (Setting two characters up for a date, etc.)
838441
And that's why I write this stuff.
838590 I made you ROTFLYSST??
AWESOME!
And... you gave me an... internet... muffin... :ponkyfaint:
838162
It's all good, mate. This chapter is just as good as the rest. I love how Lucipher is just spilling his guts to Applejack with no thoughts as to how it's probably going to get him into a bad situation later on. I can just feel the comedy coming on.
Wow, two Johnny Cash references in one short sentence. Impressive.
Yes, yes! At last! Thank you, ponky, it is an amazing chapter you have here. I love how Satan's resolve is just crumbling in the face of ponies.
Alrighty, so here's the first in a six-stage process of payback. Hopefully it'll be useful to some marsupial.
I could have sworn Fimfiction had this thing against posting chapters as pure author's notes. Whatever the case, gratz on dodging a potential bullet there.
Is "Lucifer" still synonymous with "Satan" in most faiths? I always thought "Lucifer" was his name before he turned from fallen angel to the subject of so many heavy metal albums. Then again, the Book of Job is one of the oldest things in Jewish Mythology, from what I recall, so it's most likely not the same "Satan" that modern day evangelists boo and hiss at.
So there's a bar in Hell, huh? I remember back in '99 or so, I read a few parts out of a book of Christian juvenile fiction, and the author had the audacity to showcase Hell as a giant telemarketing office full of muppet-looking demons functioning under a bureacracy. And I was like "wait, if this is legitimately trying to provide moral advice to young tweens, isn't it kind of a bad thing to tip-toe around the concept of the realm of eternal damnation?" If anything, it was kind of funny. Ahem. Sorry. None of my comments are helpful so far.
Hell is having a major influx of evil American high schoolers. Did a bunch of terrorists hijack a plane into Daytona Beach or something?
And for that matter, why's Lucifer lounging at some random hole in the wall? Would he be chilling in the grand halls of Pandemonium, sampling from his own wine closet?
Kind of awkward to hear God refer to places as "first-world countries."
Getting a little meta here...
Not a huge fan of all-caps.
Allrighty then. Well, I like how this is written. Your grammar and punctuation and overall wordsmithery is perfect. You have a huge repository of creative, witty, religious titles at your disposal. The narrative is brief, to the point, and still delightfully imaginative. Regardless of the implications of the characters involved, they're broadcasted in a way that is appealing, amusing, and digestible.
That said, it's hard for me to read this chapter without the *CYNICAL NIHILISTIC ASSHOLE* alarms going off in my mental ears the whole time. It's impossible to take this concept seriously. Well, duh, it's labeled as "Comedy." But even then, I would hope that the story uses the absurd springboard it's made and goes somewhere hilarious with it.
You're asking us--the readers--to not only accept that Lucifer and God get along like estranged father and son in a bar in Hell, but that the centerpiece of one of their moral power battles is going to be the fictitious world (for it's rather heavily implied that they're going all meta with this) of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. The issue that I have with a story like this is that all of the stuff we've seen in this chapter--no matter how crazy--was already summarized, more or less, in the story's description. So, like, when we're actually forced to listen to God and Satan set up the exposition, it takes a very bizarre concept and sort of plays it in slow motion like a car full of party balloons crashing into a brick wall.
I guess there's really nothing different that can be done with a plot like this. I'd probably suggest having just started in Equestria in chapter 1 (something which Fimfiction demands of all HiE fics as of a few weeks ago) and then utilized flashbacks to explain how Lucifer got into his situation. It's not really a bad thing what you've done--I just cringe at fanfics that sort of have to Powerpoint to readers the mechanics of how two innately incompatible subjects could feasibly cross-over. When I want to read a fanfic, I don't like being reminded that I'm reading a fanfic. Does that make any sense?
Anyways, the hard part is over, I suppose. Now it's time for ponies and Satan. I'm intrigued, to say the least.
-SS&E
P.S.: So, Christ and God have a beef with rule 34. What about Grimdark? Right now, I have a picture of God as one of those hypocritical American soccer moms who'll buy their 11-year-old kid Gears of War cuz it has gore, cussing, decapitation--but it's all okay so long as it doesn't have any sex like in Grand Theft Auto.
Meh. I'll stop now.
Hey, it's Tank. I don't think I've ever witnessed a story featuring Tank ever.
Hello, long and obviously structured paragraph of character exposition.
Is there any singular way to spell the dayum owl's name?
Yaaaay, Tartarus. My new favorite poni poni subject.
I like your choice of words and stuff. But this initial scene's handling of character dialogue feels a little stiff, like you're obligating yourself to introduce each of the ponies for the sake of reminding the readers that they're there. It's nothing terrible, mind you. I just hope the entire fic doesn't do this.
Hah. Wonderful transition from Fluttershy's inner thoughts to Lucifer's. By the power of tildas...
Thank Nietzsche you made Lucifer a pony. I have a hard time stomaching HiE fics as it is.
This is like Quantum Leap starring Alice Cooper.
I get tons of editors bitching to me about the expression "Gee." But that's mostly because I always spell it at "Jee." And THAT'S mostly because I once heard a college professor himself bitching about it live to a real class, and how the "Gee" spelling suggests a hard "g" instead of a soft "j" as in "Jesus." *shrug*
Hah. Lucifer has been transforming into animals since day one. Nice touch.
I know this is inner voice and all, but the caps is getting kind of obnoxious.
So wait, Satan is a brony too? I thought Christ was the brony. Hell, is Mohammed, exalted by God, a brony too?
Oh, now I see what you're doing with the scene dividers. I can't remember the last time I purposefully went for a dual third-person-perspective, thingy. I just hope you're consistent with it.
Oh please, please don't have the ponies get infatuated with Lucifer. That's ringing bells of self-insert tropes automatically. And I don't truly, truly think you wanna be the Morning Star, Ponky.
Again, this stuff is immaculately written. It's got a lot of confidence in its narration. The word-use is playful without getting too kaizo. Your vocabulary is superb. There's no need to show off. Everything feels quaint and easy to read.
It goes to show that you have the God/Satan dynamic down pat. Problem is, we have very little substance to go on when it comes to analyzing your poni poni handling. I guess that'll just have to be in chapters to come. Cuz from what I've seen so far, this is kind of riddled with something that tends to infest a lot of fanfics--in that the story is like an original work of fiction that thinly veils itself as an MLP fic. I think that's kind of why Fimfiction demands that the first chapter at least be full of poni poni, for the sake of relevance.
But, of course, this is just the third (second?) chapter. Still, I wonder just how long this is supposed to be. Because at this pace, I shudder to think.
Nmiaow
-SS&E
I like the story of filly Twilight and the colt that has an adoracute crush on her. Can we follow that thread? Huh? No? Lucifer and ponies? Fuuuuuuu-all right...
Ugh. Please tell me that this is just Lucifer being Lucifer, and not some "everypony falls in love with my OC" trope.
I'd laugh out loud if RD is the only one who doesn't give a shiet.
I can't remember a moment when everypony of the Mane 6 was so easily enamored with something all at once--okay, well, maybe the cake in that train episode that I can never remember the title of.
Oh, thank nietzsche, Lucifer explains it. I feel better now.
Careful with how tempted you may be to use phrases like "began to" and "seemed to." It often helps to use verbs that are more direct, more exciting, and more metaphoric.
Yeesh. I'm not used to the metability of protagonists to "remember episodes" and act upon such knowledge.
Rarity has slanted eyes? Since when? Now I must resist the urge to joke about her involvement in the textiles industry.
Oh. Hah. C.S. Lewis. Duh, of course. Should have known.
Well, getting a bit better, I suppose. Maybe I'm just saying that cuz so far Applejack is being awesome and Applejack usually makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Still, you should have renamed this chapter "And Then They Climbed Out of the Gorge." I think you're running into something that all authors do when they begin a new piece of fanfiction and are stumbling to discover the pace of their story. You're sort of writing in real time and taking advantage of whatever happens to float your way. I mean, you did well to establish how Lucifer will approach ponies, take advantage of them, and talk himself out of odd situations. But, as pace and plot goes, this is the utter definition of snail. And what I expect is that you won't stick to it. At some point, you'll have discovered the fic's legit pace, and things will fucking SKYROCKET into the next scene for the sake of simplicity. Then, like, you'll look back at chapters like this and go "Christ, why did I spend three thousand words describing them climbing out of a canyon?" There's no simple way to avoid that, I guess. My "solution" would have been to make the last three chapters (and the ones to follow, for that matter) one huge-ass chapter. But I'm insane.
The fact that Applejack isn't succumbing so easily to our (anti)hero's charms is the one saving grace that keeps the Mane 6 so far from coming across as a bunch of leg-spreading floozies. I would like to think that you're going somewhere with that, and not just trying to save yourself from falling into a stereotypical crevice that you became self-aware of while writing. All in all, you've done some fine character analysis in this. Mostly, everything that has happened is serving to teach us more about Lucifer and his methods. And I'm all for that. It's great to show and not tell. Just, try and see if you can do that while at the same time not sacrificing the plot. I assume--as all fics do--that the pacing will intensify as the chapters go on. All Internet stories do that. All except for mine, I think. Mine tend to slow down and become five times as fucking boring. God, why did you even read my shiet to begin with?
Blaaaaargh. Gonna continue this later, I think. *belch*
-SS&E
It will be a glorious day when every brony fanfic author finally agrees to stop making Cupcake references.
Was it really that supremely important to detail the spatial relationship of the Mane 6 to the reclining Morning Star?
Another reason why I think this fic deserved to start out with a greater focus on the Mane 6 was to establish your style of expressing them within character. Here we have one of the first major scenes with all of them in a collective conversation, and they are borderline out of character due to Lucifer's proximity and his charms.
I have a hard time imagining Pinkie in my mind grimacing at the topic of sexual intercourse. I'd say either she'd giggle at it like a middle schooler or simply be too naive to grasp the subject. If anything, I think the "Eeeeww!" bit could have been expressed more eloquently by the likes of Rarity.
Spending several pages having the characters analyze a central protagonist's ponysona is like performing fellatio on the concept of Gary Stuism.
I don't see Fluttershy using the word "weird" to describe animal parts. I think she'd be a bit more well-spoken in the zoological department.
I dig your Rarity dialogue.
Hello, scene change.
Here's a thought. We're breaking third-person limited to follow the rest of the Mane 5 outside of Rarity's Boutique, effectively separating us from Lucifer's perspective. I thought that MLP was acknowleged within the canon of this fic to be a fictitious television program. In a way, God essentially creates a temporary sub-dimensional universe for Lucifer to subjectively experience. Does that make all of the ponies an illusion, existing solely to provide Morning Star with some moralistic, allegorical experience? And if that was the case, what substance should the characters possess beyond the boundaries of his perception? Do they truly exist? Do they have souls? Does what they think or do truly matter? When Lucifer returns to Hell to have his conclusive discourse with God, will the characters having their private scene here end up vanishing, thus making the private scene redundant and self-serving from the get-go? Just something to meditate on...
Oh god. Please. For the love of dung beetles, don't ever use "marshmallow" as an adjective unless the entire fanfic is at least 6 degrees more kaizo than this.
There's something self-defeating about introducing a rape joke only to have the unsatisfactory nature of that very same rape joke redundantly highlighted by the devil himself of all people.
Darn it. I wanna like Rarity. I really do.
"Ponnequin," heh...
And it ends on Rarity turning into a love-swooned revengeaholic. F'naaaa.
So anyways. Delightfully written, just like the previous chapters. There's an ever-persistent toungue-in-cheekness that fills the story with an element of charm. Even if the ponies are borderline out-of-character because of the (legitimately supported) plot contrivance of Lucifer's charm, I mostly like their dialogue and accents and choice of words and stuff. You got their speech down pat. It's always worth a slight snicker or a giggle whenever Lucifer's inner monologues invent increasingly bizarre puns and references to his sinful nature.
But what makes this qualify as a "story?" The lastest plot shift so far is "he left the picnic by the gorge and got flirted with by Rarity while she was dressing him." I get the feeling that if this pace keeps itself up, this is going to be a very long, long fic. And it feels as if the extent of it is measuring the Mane 6's reactions to Lucifer in Morning Star form. Without reading the rest of the fanfic, I'm tempted to guess that the overall plot is going to be structured around Morning Star interacting for a chapter or two with a different member of the Mane 6 and we the readers witnessing the various unique ways in which they fawn all over him like cats in heat. I hate to say that such a scenario doesn't feel like a slice-of-life story of MLP. It sounds like anime.
Just what is the goal of Lucifer's journey again? I flipped back through chapters 2 and 3 to remind myself. He's being sent to MLP-verse to learn about some Good inside him, right? And somehow this relates to him relinquishing control of the Internet and his conjuring of Rule 34 material? Where does God state that this whole endeavor will slam into a brick wall the moment Lucifer engages in the genital gallop with the likes of Rarity? Or am I missing something here?
I think I've said it before and I'll say it again. This story feels like something you've written for yourself. And while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it may be a good to kick this story into further gear in order to avoid the trope of this being nothing more than an exercise in MLP self-insertion. I mean, if that's what this really is--a fictitious journal with Sir Ponky as the Morning Star--then you're doing a fine job of making it silly, amusing, and interesting to the readers. But bronies say "I watch it for the plot" for a reason. Nmiaow.
My bones ache.
-SS&E
I suppose I would have paid more attention in this chapter if I wasn't already familiar with the mythology that comprised over 90% of it.
If anything, I'm glad that Applejack's had a far more respectable role compared to the other characters. I'm guessing she's the one major plot device of the story, there to force Lucifer into further exposition as well as self-analysis.
I think, though, that she wouldn't have accepted what Lucifer said to her. I mean, sure, she's hungry for the truth. But I think she has enough misgivings as a character to not accept the relatively bizarre explanation that he's given at face value. For the safety of Rarity and her other friends, I think she'd press more, and she definitely wouldn't let him trot away without getting the satisfaction that he's no longer a threat.
Whatever the case, I'm guessing this was the "Applejack Chapter," and the "Pinkie Pie Chapter" is next.
1028142 Eventually I'll lengthily reply to every one of these--and I wanted to wait to do that until you were done, but I'm jumping the gun by a few minutes because I'm impatient--but this comment brought up a point I'd like to get out of the way.
Your "thought" on the third-person-omniscient sections was a good one. I will ruin it for everyone who cares, though, and tell you that it was done on purpose. I wanted the reader to wonder about the switches in perspective and realize that Lucifer is inside an actual, pre-existing world that has functioned before and will continue to function after his presence. He never really grasps that concept, though, since he thinks it's all some big test God put together just for him. If I ever finish this thing, the very last chapter will be a short coda between God and Celestia where they sort of wrap up Lucifer's experience and tie any loose ends, "explaining to the audience" through their conversation that Equestria is real and Lucifer is dumb.
But I might not ever finish it, because it really has no point. I didn't write it with any purpose other than teh lulz. Maybe that was a bad idea. Meh. I like to think I've improved a bit with "The Sisters Doo".
Good title, btw.
Oh look, a meta reference to Caps Lock. That's kind of cute.
Forehooves? ......Forehooves....
Rainbow Dash wants to have dinner with Lucifer. Not sure if want.
My only hope is that Dash's proposition turns into the makings of a practical joke.
I think it's rather obvious that you enjoyed yourself in this chapter. Pinkie Pie is my least favorite pony, but I do admit it's fun to break the fourth wall with her. I prefer it when it's never pointed out that the fourth wall has obviously been broken, but because of the meta nature of this fic, that couldn't be avoided.
You did some nice pokes at Scootaloo, especially with the chicken part.
And though the entire situation is utterly ridiculous, I could tell the sincerity and sweetness of the thought of Lucifer enjoying something innocent for a change. That said, it would seem as if this chapter establishes a major character shift for hi. I would imagine that leads him to rejecting some sort of advances from Rainbow Dash in the next chapter, or perhaps instances of him expressing genuine concern and good nature to the likes of Twilight and Fluttershy later on.
For this story to remain interesting and have a decent payoff, the only thing I could possibly suggest is introducing an antagonistic force. Imagine if Discord somehow returns, and Lucifer finds himself compelled to protect the ponies he's come to admire from such a two-dimensional force of evil. Such would reinforce the degree to which he's come to respect the goodness and innocence of the MLP cast. Just a suggestion. This is your story.
You know, out of all of this, I can't help but think of Lucifer and Applejack getting along quite well. Actually, I think it could work...I"M A ROMANTIC OKAY! Could make a good sequel though, or a side story.
CONTINUE MY FINE SIR
Kinda sounds like Lucifer is already a Brony....
Really sad to hear this story is canceled, because I loved the writing and the premise.
Oh goodness. Oh goodness. You are so cute. You are freaking ADORABLE. I am literally flailing my arms in awkward joy at your adorableness. All offensiveness is cancelled by well-meaning humor and a general good message. Plus, YOU ARE SO CUTE I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT.
Satan himself decorated cupcakes using squishy, colorful icing, accompanied by three tiny ponies with enormous, circular eyes that glistened with youthful vigor and vim. okay it if i go to hell im going to laugh my head off because of this sentence
Why you cancel? I need more!
Now we'll NEVER know how pinkie knows about the fandom...
......... 
Beginning
..................................End
Ohhoho, Uncle Lu is going to Ponyland? This should prove to be entertaining.
Don´t know if this was intentional from your part but when Pinkie pestered Lu with pies, I instantly thought of Big J getting tempted by Uncle Lu with food and water while being in the desert.
Taste of your own medicine and all that.
I hate this already, not the idea, but one simple fact: Lucifer doesn't gain anything if he wins. Nothing at all. He just gets to keep something he already has if he wins. On the opposing end of the spectrum, J&J/Y/E/WHATEVER do benefit from wining. Come on, even the Bibilical!Devil bargains in better faith that this God and Jesus! Seriously, it's not right.
Okay, now God's just cheating! No magic was not part of the deal. Why is the greatest evil in all of Creation, the Prince of Darkness, the King of Hell itself, more trustworthy than the creator of the universe, whom is beyond all corruption? Poor guy can't even make Faustian Pacts... pity.
In what way is that not the truth? He full name(at least the one known to mortals) is Lucifer Morningstar. He is at least several billion years old. It IS a long story. It's a half-truth worthy of the Fae themselves.
He could mention that he only got his wings back recently. They were torn of his back long before that. Truthful. Perfect excuse for not flying(though it may jage up the Pity Meter). He could say using them brings back the memories.