• Member Since 18th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

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Calibrating aspirations

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Comments ( 26 )

Very good. I love it!

I wonder how long Celestia has been doubting her continuing role? And will Luna now know doubt as well?

Not bad. That was nice, to the point and doesn't meander into unnecessary details. A little bit to give everyone personality, but otherwise it goes straight to the point and does it cleanly. I liked it, very well done.

6829111
6830794
Thanks! I'm glad the disproportionate amount of time I spent editing this payed off in the end.

6831062

6830794
One, why do I see wlam EVERYWHERE?

Two, I loved this story. Shows how even Celestia is doubting herself now...

6831089
I'm totally stalking you, but psst, don't tell anyone.

6831093
That was a quick answer :duck:

6831098
I'm having a conversation with someone else right now. It ends up popping up on my status screen that way.

6831101 heh. :) I love your humor, by the way. I'm a big fan.

6831111
Happy to hear it. I do try to cater to my audience.

This is one of a scarce few pieces that don't need to be any longer. I honestly can't think of a single other story that left me so satisfied with so little.

6833581
I'm glad to hear it! I was worried that I edited this a bit thin, but it seems to have held up in the end.

A shape, darker than the rest of the shadows, [something's missing here] toward the doors.

I think you missed something, my friend.

~ Neon Lights

After reading this completely I have one thing to say: awesome. This story was awesome. It held a deep meaning, but, behind it all, also told at least two other stories that I could spot. You are a master of subtly: saying so much without saying anything.

"Celestia stood, the joints of her long legs popping audibly…"

This alone is a subtle hint to Celestia's growing age; telling us about how old she is getting, without saying it directly. This is just one of the examples, as there are many more. This is a master of storytelling, and a skill that I'm still trying to gain.

All in all, you wrote more in 2k words then I could have with 12k. Your grammar was excellent, your writing style advanced and professional, and your vocabulary is far beyond what one would expect. I am utterly impressed, and greedily await more.

Good job, mate. Keep it up.

~ Neon Lights

6923909 Good catch. Pretty sure I removed a verb adverb combo and forgot to replace it.

I appreciate the feedback as well. There's a bit of a gray area here on Fimfiction between the truly terrible stories and the truly great, and sometimes it's hard for novices (me) to tell where in that area their story falls. Genuine feedback like yours really reassures me that I haven't just written some pretty fluff.

Also... I have to admit that Celestia's joints popping was pretty much just to give the scene some audio imagery, and I didn't notice that it fit with the theme of the story so well until you pointed it out. So, if anyone asks, I totally meant to do that :raritywink:.

6924483 That you did. But, even with your current fix, it still remains a sentence fragment.

Yeah, I get that. This place is full of three kinds of people; the readers, the writers, and the 'I wnt ta wite!'. I was the latter, at one point, but from practice and some external classes I got better (no master, or even close, but I know my way around a story and proper grammar). In my opinion, you currently rank in the top percent. Your writing style is amazing, your vocabulary and sentence structure is advanced (to say the least), you're not pretentious and open to criticism (and even give it back with a respectable level), and, from what I have seen so far, you possess the ability to develope a simple narrative with a strong message. Overall, I rank you hight on the fimfiction poll, even after only one story.

Now, I'm a narcissist, so saying this next bit just shows how honest I feel about it: you're better then me. Your style is less expository and more hidden, but reflects enough for the reader to notice. You're overall writing ability is far beyond me as far as vocab and structure. And you portrat a humble, understanding aura that I can only respect. Overall, I'm expecting great things from you.

Haha, that's funny! And don't worry, your secrets safe with me ;)

~ Neon Lights

6925356 Sentence fragment :twilightoops:? What do you mean?

In my opinion, you currently rank in the top percent.

Aw, stop! :twilightblush:

I'm okay, but don't compare me to the greats just yet. Leaders of the Past works, but it's a short story with a fairly narrow scope. I can't imagine trying to write something as epic as Fallout: Equestria, or as soulful as Background Pony.

6926609 No one can, man. That are called legends for a reason. Now, I didn't mean that you had ascended to godhood just yet; only that I saw the potential for greatness.

And the sentence you fixed is a fragment, as it has no subject.

~ Neon Lights

6926651

A shape, darker than the rest of the shadows, swept toward the doors.

The subject is "a shape", and the verb is "swept". "Darker than the rest of the shadows" is a subordinate clause. I don't mean to sound defensive, but MS Word makes me question my understanding of sentence structure every time I write, so I want to make sure I'm not missing something.

6926697

A shape, darker than the rest of the shadows, swept toward the doors, moving as if it was one with the night itself.

I'm having a brain fart, but I know you need something like what I put in red at the ending. Ugh! This is killing me, but I know you need to end it with something like that or else it is a sentence fragment.

Sorry to be so vague.

~ Neon Lights

why is this in the twilight sparkle group

7653878 It isn't any more. I miss-clicked while adding a different story. Sorry about that.

7653880 all good just confused i could understand if you mentioned her but you didnt

Another in the 'well written but feels off to me" category. Though less so then the last.

Again, this was VERY well written and said a lot very simply, juts amazing work there.

But I have a hard time buying that ponies would ever not need their Princesses. For one.. kind of need them for the whole, keeping the sun and moon going thing. For another, we've seen just how much they idolizes them, how much they revere Celestia, how much they love her. They would never not want her in charge. She's been running things for so long, it would be hard to see most ponies even comprehending the idea of anything else. Now, not need her taking an active roll? Maybe. Kind of just, move on and need her input less and less as they try to deal with things without bothering her, seeing her as to important, turning her into a figurehead that really doesn't have any role beyond making everypony feel safe and secure with them being in charge... pretty much becoming a lot like the Queen of England is.... maybe. Though I can't see Tia as the type to let that happen, if she has power she will use it to fulfill her responsibility to protect and nurture her ponies.

On that front.... I also can't see Celestia being upset about Ponies being ready to take over and not needing her. I've always seen it as Celestia would LOVE for ponies to take over her work themselves, to not be so needed by them. She is very, very much a 'let them learn on their own, figure it out themselves" type leader. Wanting her little ones to learn to solve their own problems. I could see her even actively trying to divest some of her power back to ponies, and having them simply refuse. Basically, above all... she is Equestria's mother at this point. Everypony just feels so safe, and secure and knows she will always be there to protect them. So seeing them grow up, learn to do this on their own... I'd say she'd more likely be happy about them finally reaching that point.

Celestia raised an eyebrow, her smile stretching into a mirthful grin. “Really, Luna? You, Princess of the Night, Mistress of Dreams, Lady of Prophesy, are accusing me of being arbitrarily enigmatic?”

"Says the mare who has literal prophetic dreams. And did you even hear yourself speak back when you would send Twilight Sparkle on missions? She told me about your response when she tried to warn you of my return. Small wonder she complains not about answering to a piece of furniture these days."

In any case, beautifully symbolic piece of a nation ready to leave the nest, if I may shamelessly torture a metaphor. This must come with an almost parental blend of pride and dread for the future for the sisters. Thank you for this excellent work.

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