Fallout Equestria: Blurred Lines

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Salted Pingas

Salted Pingas #1 · Nov 1st, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 ·

While it's not atrocious, your grammar has too many kinks to be overlooked and it easily interrupts the flow. Get an editor (ideally from a FoE group since all the 'editing' groups are st), I'd switch to password view only for the time being.

The rest is decent enough, even if the military aspect seems wrong in parts to a squid like me. Ex: military time, ranking, siblings in the same command, and schedule (these fking panzies are waking up at 1100 and they're fresh meat? I gotta call BS)

EDIT: Okay, after reading through more of it the military aspect is really bad, get a consultant on that.

Ernest Wood

Ernest Wood #2 · Nov 1st, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 ·

6587817 So I should cut down the military time, learn the rankings and fix the flow of grammar? I'll get on it. Also thanks for the input.

Salted Pingas

Salted Pingas #3 · Nov 1st, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 ·

6587917 It's more than that, get someone who knows how the military works, someone who's actually been in and can give you insight on how it all works. Just fixing those few things isn't gonna get you anywhere near how everything works IRL

If they can double as an editor, then that's even better.

FaultyScrewdriver

FaultyScrewdriver #4 · Nov 2nd, 2015 · · · Enclave Dossier no 1 ·

I'd suggest either ending it with a cliffhanger, or heavy foreshadowing. If you do those, it could leave readers wondering what will happen next. That's just personal experience and opinion, however.

Ernest Wood