• Member Since 29th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 9th, 2017


Novice Writer, Game Addict, Founder and Former Head of The Equestrian Critics Society.


A thousand years ago, Equestria was divided. Princess Luna was banished from her homeland, taking her followers and loyal “nightbreeds” with her to found a new country now known as The Twenty-Six Territories of the Lunar Confederacy. Trapped in an infertile land between Equestria in the East, the icy North, dragon-infested South, and the mountains and sea of the West, the Confederacy has struggled and suffered for their survival despite leaps and bounds in technological advancements.

Born into a dark age of starvation, rebellions, and population restrictions, Lieutenant Ashen of the Nightwing clan of nightbreeds has endured many hardships, and made many sacrifices in his duty to protect and serve Queen and Country. Perhaps too many.

It’s then when the Confederacy is suddenly attacked, with Equestria as the prime suspect, that Ashen is sent on a mercy mission to initiate peace talks with their eastern neighbor. As the truth of the attack unravels, so too does the emotionally scarred Lieutenant’s sanity and resolve.

The only question left is can the Lieutenant prevent all-out war between his home and the home of a pegasus that will test everything he has come to know about loyalty, or will he lose everything he has left to his duty and regret?


Cover Art by GenericDrawfag/Carnelian (FIMFiction Profile)

Proofread by Pissfer, Perception Filter, AbsurdistScribbler, and Nonameknight.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 29 )

Alrighty fellas! The new (extended) Prologue and Journal 1 is live! If you spot any problems or strange wording (out of my clusterfuck of crunching in some editing in the last hour :applejackconfused:), feel free to let me know right away and I'll fix 'em in a snap!

Enjoy reading everypony! :twilightsmile:

I must say, this was so far a much smoother read than the original story. I got to the end without being distracted (except by you :ajbemused:) even with the TV running and Facebook open in my tabs, and that honestly and truly is saying something. It's been really hard to get through a story in these conditions in the past, but it wasn't a problem for this one. I honestly can say that I'm enjoying this a lot so far, and will read the mammoth of a first journal tomorrow. :pinkiehappy:
P.S. yes, I use tags now...

Haha good to see you back in buisness. So far so good though, it's interesting to see the changes from the origional story. Now bring more!!!!!

1634304 Bale! I cannot describe how happy I am to see you again! :pinkiehappy: Glad you're enjoying the changes, it's been driving me crazy hoping that I got it *just* right. :derpyderp2:

Almost gave up a few times, but it's fans like you that keep me going, and currently writing the second chapter with much enthusiasm. I can only hope I don't disappoint you, with all the patience you put into my super slow self!

Thanks for keeping me supported buddy, I'll be sure to get more chapters to ya ASAP! :twilightsmile:

Oooookaay so here I go about to read these. I know I've been keeping you waiting, constantly promising that I would read it but never actually getting around to it... But now, as you are sitting right next to me Playing RE6 Mercs, unawares as to my current actions, I intend to do what I do best; Motivate the friggin crap outa ya!

...woohoo! Way to go! :yay:

Comment posted by M1SF0RTUNE deleted Jan 17th, 2013

Alright, so I think I made a far more tolerable, simpler, and shorter description. Here's to hoping it pays off in the end. :applejackunsure: Also using a new placeholder, but I could really, really use an original cover art.

It is on my reading list, which is already 100+ stories long. Not to worry though, I'm a fast reader and will be able to get to it soon. I'm intrigued just from reading the summery and look forward to it.

1981791 I appreciate that! Also I'm glad to hear the summary caught your eye. :twilightsmile: I had to re-write that at least a couple dozen hundred times. :ajbemused:

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
The Price of Loyalty
Grammar Score(Out of ten):9/9.5
Really well written
Good amount of imagery, but not too much to drive me away
Great mystery. Right now I'm pondering what the hell Operation Specter was, and what a nightwing is and their religion
At times there seems to be some comma abuse.

Notes and the such: What I mean by comma abuse is that at times you seem to put commas in places to where in my eyes they don't seem to fit as of right here “None taken. My kin and I are soldiers; it’s what we’re good at and have been good at, for the past thousand years since our creation. It’s nothing personal, doctor. We live for Her Majesty in the royal guard or defending the southern border from dragons. Most serve for life, after all. While the other nightbreed lines, those damn Bloodwings especially, aren’t known for being civil, my family just does what they can to keep the peace and provide counsel whenever it’s needed.”
The comma after the second at on the first sentence of that dialog just doesn't seem to fit in my eyes.

I honestly can't find any major cons right now. Maybe I will after I read the second chapter sometime. As of now, just work on your comma use and you'll be fine.:twilightsmile: Sorry I couldn't help you more with cons.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Either Equestria is Not Enough(If you are a fan of Bond), or The Nostalgia Critic, Linkara, and Angry Joe Power Hour(I am a sucker for crossovers. If I had any good one-shots, I would've let you review them, but they are mediocre at best.)

The story now has a cover art! Thanks a million GenericDrawfag / Carnelian!

1994577 Okay, first off, I really like it. But your next chapters look really daunting. I'm surprised you have only a few views on this one, since it is canon to the Lunar Republic group. I hope that you finish it, and that I can actually finish reading one of the...longer chapters. Bravo! :pinkiehappy:

2256098 Ohmygosh, thank you! I'm glad you like it. Sorry the chapter sizes are so intimidating though. :twilightsheepish:

This review is brought to you for the Sake and Glory of the Authors Helping Authors group.

Name of the Story :

Come on, you know your own story name, don't you?

Grammatic Score :

As a Pole, I have absolutely no idea if the gramma in your story is correct or not. I didn't spot any mistakes, but don't consider this opinion valuable.

Pros :

- It's really well-written one, I see a big quality in the sentence construction.
- Some serious and quite nicely done world-building.
- Your descriptions of landscapes and place are marvelous.
- The plot is confusing, but still really interesting.

Nitpicking Cons :

- Well... I spotted one kinda derped situation :

There was blood trailing down past my broken horn,
Eventually I was on my hooves, and inspected my wings to check for any damage. I couldn’t fly home with broken or torn wings after all.

Well... I have no idea if I messed something up, or I forgot some facts, but... the main hero is a alicorn?

Serious Cons :

- Ashen isn't a OC that I would like. It's really important, because your story is really OC focused and I just can't sympathize with the main hero.

- This is a flaw of many stories involving "Alternate Universe" and "Cross-Over" tag ( even my stories suffer from this ). Your story is incredibly confusing. Your description doesn't say much, the prologue is set instantly in the absolutely new verse, you introduce many absolutely different OC's in the same chapter. Important Note : If your story is part of somebody else canon ( like Lunar Republic one or something ) I have no idea about it ( and it makes the story even more confusing ).

- Your Chapters are definetely too long. 10.000 is consider to be really big ( check : Where Loyalties Lie or Immortal Game ) and you are making a 25.000 Chapter ( !!! ). I had to take several breaks, because it's so tiring to read the entire Chapter.

Some notes :

Really important fact, when I'm writing a review I'm usually picking more cons than pros, even if the story is really good ( and I really mean it ). Why? In my opinion, your story isn't the masterpiece, but has a potential to become one in the future. Another important fact, how serious would be your story, how beutiful description you would put, how great world-building you would made, the most important objective for the stories is to be entertaining. That's why clops or silly comedies receives so much love on this site. Yes, we don't want to create none ambicious things, but your story need to be easy to read.

In final, I'm giving the story Like and Favourite, such is a fate of good stories! If you want to ask me more questions, I'm avaiable on skype.

So, here is your review! If it's okay with you, could you help me, and review my story : 2986 Steps?

Stay Awesome


2259775 Technically he's a character who's race I came up with; nightbreeds.

And yeah, chapters are indeed long but over the course of the later chapters they'll get shorter and shorter. Just wanted to make a big ol' detailed story is all. About the alternate universe thing, well, that clears up as you read. Just gotta go with the flow, yknow?

Glad you like it though. Been toiling at this story for months now.

This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critics Society.

Story Title: The Price of Loyalty

Author: M1SF0RTUNE

Reviewed by: Blankscape

In short, this story is off to a great start and definitely one to look out for. A diamond in the rough so to speak amongst the stories in the ‘alternative universe’ genre, and certainly a notch above most in overall quality, albeit one in need of a few polishes here and there.

Full Review

Score: 8.5/10

One word: Finally!! :pinkiecrazy:

2790876>>2790928 Yeah, I know :pinkiegasp: I just hope that I can get some new readers with this chapter. :fluttershysad:

I doubt that I was putting up with your impatience. It was more along the lines of you putting up with my laziness.

Dear god! Over 63000 words! So long!
And only three chapters!
Im going to love this book!:heart: the longer the better.

Just finished the first three chapters. All I can say is I am eagerly awating more.:pinkiehappy:

Read the whole thing that's up so far, and this story has some great potential. It should become quite famous on here, if it isn't already. I think Peace Walker, and the countless others that told Ashen to calm down and find somepony are right. Good action sequence at the end of the last chapter. The politician saved the day! Sigh* Never thought I'd say that sentence in my life... But, yeah. Great so far!

3045041 Wow, thank you so much, and thank you for favoriting this story! I'm always humbled to hear people tell me how the story has potential and I hope it does become well-known one day. It's a bit of a pipe dream, but hey, some of us gotta have something to aim for, right? :twilightsheepish:

Now I really ought to finish that fourth journal... I still have it sitting around waiting to be tweaked. :trixieshiftright:

3046489 To give it some publicity, I'd be happy to run it through my story review division once it's complete.

Huzzah, new description. Now with 100% less suck!

Are you going to update soon?:rainbowhuh:

4842031 Not sure. Real life's been taking a big hit on my writing and morale, plus Journal #4 needs a bit of an overhaul.

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