• Member Since 26th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Light Mask

I can almost see the wizard through the curtains.

Comments ( 10 )

Nice job, a couple errors here or there but no real spelling mistakes. But I'm a bit confused, the chip made Masterbait, Correct? So is this Bimbofication ?

It basically worked as advertised. Heck, the side effects probably aren't stronger than the people who tested Viagra experienced. A surprisingly mundane "mind control" story.


Well no the chip was giving her nudges after she masturbated on her own. The first time she masturbated the chip was running some diagnostics and figuring out what would make her feel mentally and physically well. It mistook her masturbating as something that kept her healthy. After all a microchip without AI can't tell the difference between exercise and masturbation.


Thought alteration can be both a major, and minor form of mind control. Besides I felt like going further would make an inanimate microchip seem sentient.

not bad, cool stuff! i like the way that it's thinking of it as something 'healthy' rather than like someone controlling it *cough* Doctor *cough*

Not bad. Figured though that with the adjusting body bit that her breasts would grow slightly or something.

Dr. Whooves not Dr. Hooves

Looking for errors, huh? Lemme see...
Indentation is inconsistent throughout.

What? Oh goodness no I’m just explaining-:”

Random colon in there should be removed.

Say.... A poke.

You have four periods instead of the usual three. Also, I'd make that a lower case, since it's not really a new sentence.

If it affected one of those things

only one

it was tested....

so that I can help pay for....

On the count of three....

Oooh yeah....

Now then....

Well I hope you feel better.....

more adult....

Four periods instead of three.

filters through the data.


“No doc it’s fine.”

Could use a comma after 'doc'

my arm is gonna bruise cause of it.”

'cause' should have an apostrophe before it.

And then there was the package to Dash

This might be technically okay, but it would sound a lot better as 'for Dash' or 'addressed to Dash'.


Missing a space here

hand. Her wings spreading out

Either that sentence break should be replaced with a comma or 'spreading' should be replaced with 'spread'.

“Wow you do work really well.”

Needs a comma.

If her chip was going to promote things like this she could get behind it.

Comma after 'this'.

Derpy slowed down and held her ribs and panting.

I'd suggest 'ribs, panting'.

walked back into the living room; kneeling down

fluttered her wings; almost running

at her clit; which caused

open; letting herself

something else; this time

second time; gasping and

hard; her headache

the doorway; entering the

again; rubbing small

These semicolons should be commas

left her mouth. Her hand

This sentence break should be a comma

and trying thinking


Lifting her hands over her head and washing away the cum on her hands and legs.

This is a sentence fragment. Try something like Lifting her hands over her head, she washed away the cum on her hands and legs.

Besides he could advance the testing

Comma after besides.

That's everything I saw!

:rainbowlaugh:Ironically, a cup of orange juice is less healthy than a cup of water, milk, Apple juice, and even a plain old orange

Additionally, FYI doctor, YOU'RE STUPID AF!!! Literally anything could go wrong with this invention! It thinks only of short term health, it confuses hormones with good health, and it automatically forces you to try everything that might get you hurt or killed. Endorphins may seem innocent, but then you realize that it both compensates for pain and is a type of opioid, Derpy might become a method addict:twilightoops:

And don't get me started on Oxytocin and Dopamine:facehoof: Pretty soon this will become Grand Theft Muffins: Ponyville is her bitch!

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