- Member Since 29th Jul, 2015
- offline last seen Feb 13th, 2017
Sweetheart_a_Light
Ultimate Shipping Trash
Sweetheart_a_Light
Joined 29th Jul, 2015 ·
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Sweetheart_a_Light · 5.7k words · 37 3 · 1.6k views
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This was a good read. (Though a bit too short
) Fantastic first story though! Looking forward to seeing your work again 
.
6579558 Thanks!
And, well, I actually wanted this to be a short story. In fact, I wanted to be even shorter, with just one or two chapters, but I decided to split the events in different chapters. 
I'm not an english speaker myself, so... take it for what it's worth.
Only one "s".
And:
And:
And:
I spotted them all with word (I'm not very good with english, so I cheat and I advise to do the same).
I think it would be better to say "She didn't wanted to at first, since...".
I'm not very good with english verbs conjugaison, but I'm pretty sure the way you conjugated "to forget" implies that Fluttershy forgot to buy more food because Angel did all those mimics and squeaking. "had forgotten" seems more appropriate.
About the same thing. As far as I can judge, it would be a bit more correct to say something like "nopony would have even noticed would the place have been closed in the first place". But it would be good to have confirmation from a true english speaker.
For the rest, it's a fine introduction. The stakes are clearly defined, the tone is normal and there is a slight contrast between the melancholy of the characters and the happiness of the rest of the world.
Let's read the rest... (can't judge a story on its introduction).
completely
worst
underneath
I point a few of them out, but it's not really a problem for me... still, the repetition of the chapter's title seems to indicate you're using a program like word that could do a quick check for you.
Otherwise, it's great to see that you decided to use good writing tricks like the exploitation of the double storyline colliding. And you used it well. The use of repetition to create a mirror effect works very well.
Okay, you're having fun with it and it's great
. I know some people find it distracting, but I find it great that you would want to place such jokes here and there.
Now I'll admit I find the joke a bit too long, making it lose in subtlelty. Still, you're having fun with it and it communicates through the lines, at least for me.
Pretty sure there is only one "L".
Pretty sure there is one "L".
Cool transition. I wish you had made it less clear if Pinkie was adressing the narrator or Fluttershy, but it's not only just a matter of taste, it's also kind of amazing I would expect something like that from someone's first story...
"known" I think.
talkative
together
I know it doesn't change the sense of the words, but it can get distracting for some readers, and certainly is for english speaker who are used to have to spot them all the time.
"they decided not to speak about the subject", I think.
As far as I know, it's either:
- "like there was something in her path"
- "as if there was (had been?) something in her path"
There is a word missing. Right?
As for the story itself, I'm just wondering where you're going with this. So next chapter...
Google tells me it's "embodiment".
I think you need a third occurence in your description. It feels a bit short and for what I can judge, it comes from the fact you only have two occurences of animals doing things. In fact, if you wanted to make it overwhelming, four occurences would be best.
I think I understand that the act of brutal force is the implied consequence of being sad for too long and trying to hide it through violence, but the story never gave any clue for that interpretation, or any interpretation. It's a good life moral, but half of it sort of appears out of nowhere and might be difficult to understand for some people.
That sentence implies that she didn't pay attention to Pinkie before. It's kind of what you want to say (or what I think you want to say), but it goes a bit too far depending of how people interpret it. A "Fluttershy suddenly began to pay more attention to Pinkie" or "Fluttershy began to see something new on Pinkie, something she had never noticed, something that was beautiful too..." or anything on that tone could make it less direct and limit the risk of it being missinterpreted.
As for the story itself, it's cute. And I like cute. Not much to say: it's a classic structure, but you apply it well and it works.
If I wanted to nitpick (I mean, more than I've already done), I could advise to make Fluttershy pause a bit after the three first words, just to hesitate and then spill the beans, only to make sure even some extrem people will accept her daring to make such a confession in one go.
Well, it's merely a detail. But the writing is basically fine, so details are the way to go to improve.
No, I'm pretty sure that it's "on the balcony". I didn't say anything the first time, but "in" doesn't make sense.
"did they tell you" or "have they told you". Pretty sure of that.
But back to the story. I liked it. It was fun. Very simple, but cute and as said: I like cute. Heck, I'm watching my little pony... I think the biggest strenght of the story is its simplicity. No big conflict, no huge explosions, just the quiet and happy flow of life.
I'm not a fan of the characters adressing the narrator, or at least not of the narrator responding to the characters, but that's a matter of taste. Once again, I could feel you had fun writing it and, I have to admit, having Fluttershy being able to speak with the narrator too was a good idea. I hadn't seen it yet.
I also really like the little world building at the end, with the idea of a pegasus giving a feather, and the ornaments exchange. Simple and cute.
I had fun reading your story. For a first try, it's almost impressive (and I say almost because I'm jealous
).
Well done. I can only encourage you to find an efficient way to correct the english mistakes, because it can make a lot of readers go away, which would be shame because I think they would appreciate the story otherwise. But I don't really have any solution to propose...
Still, keep on having fun, you've got talent: exploit it.
I wouldn't go that far. I only pointed out a few and I'm not even very good with grammar myself. As said: I don't have any good solution to propose in that regard.
For example:
"but it still wasn't enough."
"struggled"
"writing"
"DEFINITELY" (says reverso...)
"always" (most of your always were written "aways" for some reason)
I remember that one. "together". And there are at least two occurences.
There are probably some left (I confirm, I just saw two). I mean, an english speaker could actually discuss how some sentence are phrased, like:
I'm really not sure if "they would say it all" is the correct formulation for what you want to say there. And by that, I mean I'm really really not sure. Reverso (yeah, I'm using it a lot) tells me that the expression can be defined sort of as follows:
"If you say that something says it all, you mean that it shows you very clearly the truth about a situation or someone's feelings." (http://dictionary.reverso.net/english-cobuild/say%20it%20all)
So it might not mean "they would tell each other everything" like I think you wanted to say.
But at the same time, it might mean just that... I'm not competent enough to know with certainty.
I'm sorry to have to say that I didn't correct all the little mistakes, and even more that I cannot correct all the little mistakes (as said, I'm not an english speaker). I'm just some guy passing by, enjoying the cute story and doing what I can until someone more competent comes.
If it can help, here is a group of proofreaders on fimfiction:
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/the-proofreader-group
I never tried to contact them (for personal reasons), but it might be worth trying for you. Who knows?
I didn't see this get added.
I must read it, for science.
Science has been done.
It was cute.
I liked it.
6592886 I aprove your scientific matters!
6593904 this is Wolfkid9963 approved.
No, even better, FedEx approved.
6596636 "You rock! Woohoo"" -
6598172
"Yaaaaaay~!"
Off to a good start here
I can onlly echo TwiwnB here, the mirror effect is very cool
As far as grammar mistakes, I can notice quite a few, but really for not being a native speaker it's not bad at all. The main thing that sticks out to me is the title, In a Need of a Smile. It should be In Need of a Smile, without the first a. Unless you had some reason for wording it the way you did and I just haven't read far enough to see why yet
If you're interested in improving your grammar message me. I'm quite good at it.
I don't know if you intended this the way I read it, but I found it hilarious. I don't actually like Pinkie breaking the 4th wall, but I read this as a jab at the MLP fandom for having her do it so often when she very rarely does in the show. It made the joke seem like a clever set up for atongue in cheek punchline.
I wonder if you realize you have an odd narration style. It's kinda like a quick jumping third person limited thing. This isn't bad, just interesting to me (literature nerd that I am)
6867385 Yup, it's supposed to be funny. I don't really mind if the fandom thinks that she does know how to break the 4th wall, but she doesn't do that all the time!
This was really cute
Fourth wall breaks may not be something I like, but having Fluttershy learn how to do it at the end was actually really clever. Nice one on that
Was this your first story ever, or just your first pony story? Either way, it's impressive. Right now the best thing you can do is get an editor.
On to the next story, which features a ship I actually like
6883824 Thanks!
This may not be the first story I created, but it is the first story that I actually wrote and put efort on to it ever. Yes, I know my grammar isn't really great, but considering I'm from another country, it's not really bad. I know how to write stories with propper grammar in my language, though. 
See you in my next story!
6884747
You managed to avoid all the most frustrating new author problems, which made me think you probably had experience writing elsewhere. Instead I'm guessing you pay a lot of attention to what you read, and probably read a lot. You totes have a lot of talent at this, keep it up
And indeed, your English is better than a lot of native speakers. You have a good understanding of the rules of grammar, it's more that in some places individual words were conjugated incorrectly (a super easy mistake when going from one language to another) and the format you used for quotes (using hyphens for said tags) was incorrect, although most people don't actually know how to do that properly.
I don't mean to harp on your grammar though. It really wasn't a big problem to me. But my offer to edit stands if you ever want to take me up on it
6886102 Well, yeah, I do read a lot, I love reading!
I did learn english on my own though, and I'm still learning. My inspiration comes from my great grandfather, who's a book writer. 
Oh, my! I would love to see this story edited! I acept your offer!
I like the plot behind this and I totally support the ship. But I think your delivery has a lot to be desired. And you kind of overused the fourth wall gag. You gotta learn to be more moderate with it. Otherwise it just ruins the whole gaga. Personally, this felt more like a one shot broke up into multiple short chapters.
Do I just have a dirty mind or was that meant to be a joke