• Member Since 1st May, 2015
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Detsella Morningdew


Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Theodor Geisel

Sequels1

E

Important: This is one of my earliest stories, when I was very inexperienced as a writer.


A small pegasus colt wakes to find himself in a huge crater with absolutely no memory of how he got there. Or any memory at all.
Well, that's not entirely true. He remembered a single word. Sidereus.
The strange thing was that he didn't remember anything else. Except maybe how to talk. And how to breathe. And that's about it. Well, that's inconvenient.

Things take a nasty turn as he finds his magic is not acting as it should, permanently costing him his sight. He finds a way to cope, but what does it mean for him? How did this happen? Why? And was this a magical accident? Or is there a force more sinister behind it all? Both? No, that's ridiculous.

Sequel: Starry Night

Chapters (14)
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Comments ( 25 )

I can already tell that this is bad

Well, this title is surprising similar to another successful story title on this site.

Hey now Ajklover (I don't know how to do the name thing XD) don't be a jerk. I honestly wanted to see were this would go.

I realize that I messed up a bit. I am rewriting the first couple chapters. Anyway, if you don't like it, tell me WHY, and if possible, tell me how to improve it.

Wasn't the protagonist a filly in the very beginning?

6566833 Well, a colt, yes. That's why they were trying to find his parents.

I know he doesn't act much like one. That's kind of intentional.

If anyone comes up with a better title, I'll be happy to replace this one. I don't want it to match another story, either. I just couldn't think of anything else after I found the other story.

6568693 I think the commenter was asking if the character was afilly. I.e. a girl, as opposed to a colt, rather than a foal as opposed to an adult.

6569035 Oh, I see now. In my rewrite, I made a mistake that caused that particular confusion.

In the show, they tend to call children "fillies" since most of them are female. I just slipped up in terminology.

6569051 Yeah, anypony could make that mistake.

I finally found a title change that was not too offensive to me. I hope you like it. And there isn't a whole bunch of titles just like it.

I'm a new writer too. It can be hard to get things just right. :ajsleepy:

I have a little trouble placing detail around the scene. This opening chapter I thought was really nice. Good detail on the crash site and the surroundings.

Some odd spacing and one paragraph kept repeating "Now" over and over again, threw me off but just a bit.

This story is very interesting i'm going to follow and fav it.:heart:

6579295 Thanks, I'll try to fix it if I can.
I definitely appreciate the support.

6579295 Could you tell me about where that paragraph was?

I always have to stop myself from using "Now" too much.
It's a bad habit of mine.

6579549 The paragraph right after the sentence- "Timberwolves, oh I get it now."

Idk everytime I read that small part the word now just keeps jumping at me as a reader, feels just a tad repetitive.

But as said I'm enjoying the story so far.

6581730 Let me know if you find anything else. It's hard being your own editor.

6586008 Actually, I haven't. What part made you think that? :rainbowderp:

6586008 But I did notice your cutie mark is i

Are you really there, or are you imaginary?

Your character's colour scheme is absolutely horrendous. It's way too dark.

Liking this story so far, although you might be going over my limit for "woobie for the sake of woobie". We shall see.

One minor correction.
"But the most interesting was himself."
-myself ((Since this story is in first person))

"I went back outside, noticing how she had frozen in place, perhaps reflecting on exactly what she had done."
-Well, this is sorta the SECOND time that has happened. Of course, Word of God is that Celestia handled that first time to start with.

That was a question that only he could answer.
-Should be "only I could answer." I think.

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