- Member Since 17th Oct, 2015
- offline last seen May 25th, 2017
Mr_B
I have rescently satarted to compile my stories based on Fallout Equestria in a written form and i would like to share them with you all.
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With an editor, most of the spelling and grammatical errors that are pushing readers away could be fixed.
The premise is a strange one for an opening chapter. For one thing, the main character appears to be one existing before the Great War ended in the apocalypse. For that matter, more mention should be given about the Great War, just so that the reader is reminded of the Fallout: Equestria lore. What intrigues me is the immediate urgency of the situation: an impending disaster is coming and obviously the protagonist is more concerned about finding out what it is than he is about examining the whole oddity of his situation.
There is a clear mystery with various pieces coming together through the clues in each train car. The reveal at the end was quite unexpected as well, and it sets up rather grimly the theme of this story: fighting fate.
The first chapter, however, proves a little lacking in characterization and description. The narration does not really lend much personality to the protagonist, which is a shame, since strange, disturbing visions are usually good moments to acquaint the reader with the character. Also, too many details are left to the imagination. The reader is told who characters are, but they are not shown those characters; the setting is referenced, but never clarified. More description would help the reader better imagine the story unfolding.
Overall, the potential is present, but it is glanced over. Revisions and editing recommended. Once the most visible errors are corrected, this story will be able to present a narrative unique to the FOE fandom.
Hello everone fixed a bit of chapter 1, chapter 2 is out and if you love the cover art please go thank http://sketchydoodlepony.deviantart.com for the new cover. Have a nice day everyone.
Oooh, interesting.
More!
And I imagine the explanation abruptly ended there.
You forgot for a moment we were writing about magical horses.
It sure is fun to see this character carry his secrets right on his face.
I am surprised to only see a setting description of this quality so far into the story. Setting descriptions had mostly been bland and uninspired for the past two chapters. Suddenly, we have this intriguing new location with an alluring attention to details that begged dozens of questions about its inhabitants. And more importantly, it makes a reader pine for their stories. Why weren't there more of these kind of descriptions before?
Silver's childish personality is more prevalent than before, I notice.
This line here is too noticeable to forgive. Something like this just breaks the immersion instantly.
How nonchalant. That under-reaction works for him.
It's like a comedy routine with these characters! The expressions carry as much, and possibly more, weight as the dialogue.
Silver is asking the real questions in this tale of intrigue.
The mechanics have been improved, but there are still issues with the grammar and spelling that have proven distracting. There is still that perspective-switching between third person and first person, which does little to help the already erratic flow of the story. Baltimare proved to be a rather uninteresting setting, and it seemed that there were no more unique description like the one for Crescent's house. The bland narration meant that the dialogue and character expressions really had to be stellar to keep the chapter interesting.
Fortunately, the two main characters have a great dynamic. They're a couple of screwball improv artists who never quite grew up, yet gained wisdom on the fly. They share together some genuinely funny dialogue and some great characterization through their actions. Pinkie Pie, for the fleeting moment she was involved, was also quite a memorable character, yet the rest of the cast were quite forgettable. The story really only kept me intrigued when Silver and Crescent were up to their usual antics, which is disappointing, since the plot driving the story has a lot of potential.