Twilight just wanted to blow off some steam and enjoy the circus. Watching the acrobats, clowns and magicians do what they do best and that is entertaining the crowd. However what happens when Twilight becomes one of these goofballs by one such magician.
Based on TF-circus comic strips and heres a link to another story based on them by MaskedPony called Nation of Clowns: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/296661/nation-of-clowns
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This is a concept I was planning on tackling myself, though if you did get this from the artist, I'm curious why it's not Sasha in the story.
Anyway, my thoughts are this is very, very brief. The story idea, and even the story itself, is brillant, but it feels like a brief glimpse at something that could be much better. A rough draft the could be fleshed out. You also succumbed to the new writers temptation to have the plot move the characters, and not the characters move the plot. Before I could get into any one scene, it was over, and the transitions were often very rushed.
Plus, the real meat of the fic, the TF and the brainwashing, were only a few lines. It's like having a steak dinner that's 85% vegetables.
As far as the writing and character goes, there's a few mechanical errors, but by and large you seem to have a good grip on writing itself, you just need to flesh the story out more.
This already seems like it's going to be interesting.
This seems like an interesting start, though I think you should take your time with this concept. Show whats going on inside Twilights mind, conflicted and torn between Twilight Sparkle and Twinkle Sprinkle.
FINNALY, SOMEONE USED TF-CIRCUS ART, I can't believe it took this long.
6551700 Well I am not much of writer but I find your advice useful when planning the second chapter. I did get a little carried away with chapter without thinking. I will put a bit more focus on Sprinkles thoughts as time goes by.
I like the concept, it's quite unique, but as other's have already said this is moving way, way too fast
There's such a thing as excess in a transformation story, but the entire main transformation being over in one paragraph? That's far too little what should have been the main attraction—if you pardon the pun.
Awesome concept, though your pacing could use some work, but it's a minor issue. Otherwise, it's a good start. One idea could be to elaborate more when introducing a new scene or character. Another being to show what's going on in greater detail, add in smells and sensations like humidity or stuffiness. Just spitballin' ideas.
6553877 I plan on remaking the first chapter, mainly putting more into the transformation such as Twilight tying to put up some resistance as well as addtional dialogue between Twilight and Magic.
I was going to do a fic like this, and....you beat me to it. Good fic so far.
6554134 ty
Wow someone actually made a story based off that picture of Twilight being changed into a clown I liked the start of this story.
Out of curiosity how many chapters do you think the story will end up being?
6555015 I haven't really thought that out yet. I am thinking of getting the other Mane 5 tf'ed in the story.
6555674 All right then.
Sounds like it'll be fun.
6555674 Or maybe Pinkie avoids getting TF'ed and manages to save the others.
That would probably end up being more interesting.
But whatever you decide to have happen will be fine.
Why am I not surprised that Rainbow's the next one to be "persuaded" to join the circus?
Regardless, this story is still interesting, and it'll be fun to see where it goes.
6567359 indeed, I hope it continues to entertain, I also hope others have a go at doing this
As fun as the transformation scenes are, I hope that, in the end, either:
a. The changes are temporary and wear off on their own.
b. Pinkie Pie resists the changes, and changes everyone back.
B would probably be the more interesting route, while a would be the more natural route.
6570264 maybe
6570282 The reason I say that is because, as fun as clowns are, turning everyone into clowns and having them stay that way forever would be kind of boring.
This is a great story so far. I hope that the circus turns all of the Ponyville into Clownville. I would love to see all the foals in Cheerlys school are transformed into clowns.
6590564 We will wait an see
6555832
About Pinkie, if this story follows the comics it's based upon, then Pinkie, being Pinkie, will simply block Magic's attempt to change her before turning into a clown of her own volition and all by herself (she won't even need a new clown's name because Pinkie Pie is perfect already). That part is going to be funny to read, I'm looking forward to it (but first, it's Applejack's turn).
great chapter, things are really starting to get interesting in ponyville. Can't wait to see the next chapter
6637019 Well next chapters up
Personalty I would go with turning the town into a circus. Meanwhile, I think that the princesses should have distracted by a crises of some sort. Before turning rounding up the hole town, I think that their should be a few groups of ponies who should be transformed, like the Cakes, Cheerily, Mayor Mare, the weather team, the Apple family. I am looking forward to see the Wonderbolts transformations too. Also on a last not I think you should lookout more on your punctuation in your sentences in your chapters. You have improved a lot at each chapters, but your sentence are often way too long and should be broken-down into smaller sentences.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
If everypony in Equestria is going to be permanently turned into clowns by the end of the story, then you should add an Alternate Universe tag to it.
Plus, unless Pinkie is under some subtle control herself, then I doubt she'd want her friends to be turned into clowns against their will. Unless, again, she's planning to turn everyone back to normal at some point.
Other than those two criticisms, this is still an interesting story.
6640095 If you notice that part about the 3 shadowy figures in Skittle's cellar I was implying that those were clowned Wonderbolts, Spitfire, Soran and Echo Fleetfoot
6640208 well that's great, I hope you will dedicate a chapter to them. Also, I wander how you're going to go about transforming the Royal Guards, I hope it will be subtle at first.
Boy Every pony turning into clowns and if Fireblaze see this. Then he be thinking what going on here?
You should go with ponyvillians first. I could suggest the CMC as next victims because theirs sisters want them to partake the magic of the circus. The Cutie Mark Clowns would then brainwashed the rest of the school with great focus on Cheerilee and the adorabullies.
I liked the clowifed Tree Hugger, hope someone could do some art of her sometime.
Really am loving this story, it's so much fun!
6643620
Ty, It was hard for me to think up since this wasn't based on an existing comic strip but I remember TF-Circus saying he based the mane 6 clown outfits on their original Gala outfits so I thought y not use Hugger's own Gala outfit as a base.
6643634 Hey if u like mine, have a look at MaskedPony's interpration called Nation of Clowns, there is already a link to it in my fanfics discription
finally the Wonderbolts get the clown treatment as well, now I am hoping to see the school foals turn as well as the Cake's get their turn
6655942 and what did you think of the overall tf on them
6655986 I think the transformations were fun, but it's still difficult to follow whit some of your sentence structures as well as being often too long. Don't get me wrong you have improved a lot sense the beginning, but their is still room for improvement. I especially like the WonderJokes transformations, which I like the idea that they were trick to eat FT pies that turn them into clowns and the description of their costumes. I wish I had the time to draw them for you. The Wonderbolts are pretty much some of my favorite characters in the show, so I was really looking forward to see them. I hope to see Party Favor turn soon.
6656062 kk
6656130 link to my work
6656142 Your art skills are good
6656142 If u yourself want to draw them in clown form then be my guessed and my writing structure leads you to being stuck with it then let me know.
6656198 I hope to find the time to do this soon
6656223 Hey I was going to ask, which ones you want to draw?
6657807 well I was planing on doing all six of them, but their won't be any shading to them, and I won't make a comic strip of their transformation either. I might have the wonderjokes ready tonight
6657845 kk
You know, the same logic in this chapter could be apply for Filthy Rich. Clowns also need item for their act, and Filthy owns the biggest drugstore of the town. I hope we will see his tf/tg.
6658883 maybe
To everyone that is following this story and sees the link to my fic in the description: Please do understand that I had my fic planned a head of time before Techno made his. To clarify the link to my fic is NOT ripping him off. to clear your questions, I did inform him a head of time about my fic, so he issued a warning on my fic, but please understand if you click the link just to check out my fic, don't be saying I am stealing, I warned Techno before hand so he knew right away and he is letting me make my fic. If you want to check it out while you wait for Technos chapter, feel free to, but plz read the warning in my fic also, just Incase you didn't notice this comment or the comment Techno left on my fic.
6665027 Has someone been bothering u about it?