Waning and Waxing

by Calliope Pony

Chapter 4

I’ve been waiting in the reading room for hours. I raised the moon from in here when the time came. I thought Celestia might come after the sun set, but she didn’t. She must have paused her meeting to attend to it and then continued with the ambassador.

It’s been a while since I’ve been in here. Mostly this was Celestia’s retreat, the secret room hidden in the library where she could come and read to her heart’s content. I’ve never been as much of a book worm as she is, but I do remember when we were fillies and she would read me stories from her books.

I walk back and forth, back and forth across the room. I look through a pile of books. There’s a light layer of dust on the top one. I guess Celestia hasn’t had much time for reading lately. She hasn’t had much time for anything except business.

I’m not really interested in reading, but I continue to look through the books simply because there’s nothing else to do. One book catches my eye. That’s the journal we made when we were first crowned! I pick up the slim, purple-backed book with my magic and wipe off the dust. How many years has it been since we wrote in this? Centuries.

I settle down on Celestia’s cushion and open the journal. Flipping through the first few pages I’m hit with a wave of nostalgia. I come to my first entry where I tried to write in the Royal Canterlot Voice. Back then it was just for fun, but now we use the Voice whenever we address our subjects. Come to think of it, we didn’t refer to them as subjects back then. We were viewed more as guardians than rulers. I suppose that’s just one of the ways things change over time. Celestia and I never sought more power than what we had, but gradually ponies started looking to us for more and more. Celestia said once that it’s a sign of the land becoming more unified. Ponies aren’t living by the strict tribal divisions that used to restrict them. I guess that’s a good thing, but it means that they are relying less and less on their own internal power structures and more and more on us. On Celestia anyway. I’d be happy to help out more than I do. Not just happy to, I want to help out more than I do. But there’s nothing for me to do.

Nothing I can be useful for.

I come to the section where we wrote about building the castle. I remember that ponies were active then through the day and the night. One shift of workers would come on while another slept. No matter when you went out there were others around. I don’t know how it happened that ponies stopped being active at night.

The tight feeling is rising up in my chest again, and I’m not sure why. Looking back at these good memories.... I start to feel tears in my eyes.

I miss my friends: Star Swirl, Puddinghead, even Platinum. I remember how we couldn’t stand each other when we first met, but then we got to be really good friends. It’s not just that though. It’s... looking at these pages, remembering how happy I was then. I haven’t been that happy in a long time. I almost never feel happy any more. I just feel frustrated and lonely and miserable so much of the time.

I turn the page and see where Celestia jotted a single note, just one sentence: “My sister and I were meant to rule together.”

We really believed that back then. We were sure that we could do anything so long as we were together. Now there are times when it feels like she doesn’t need me at all.

The tears spill over. I shove the journal to the side and bury my face in the cushion, sobbing. She doesn’t need me anymore. I can’t do any good for anypony. I’m just worthless.

I cry and cry until I’m gasping for breath. I can’t get my thoughts straight; everything is just a chaotic whirl. I press my face against the damp cushion. I take a couple deep breaths. The sobs erupt again for a few minutes, and then I breathe again. For a long time I lay there, just trying to get myself under control.

Finally I can sit up and try to compose myself. My face feels hot and swollen, and I want a drink of water.

Where is Celestia? The night is well-advanced now. She can’t possibly still be with the ambassador, can she? I wipe my eyes on a drape, take a deep breath and poke my head out of the reading room.

There’s no sign of life in the library. I make my way into the corridor. The castle is silent.

I make sure my face is clear so it won’t be obvious that I’ve been crying. A guard should be stationed nearby. There he is. As I approach he draws himself up to attention.

“Dost thou know where Our sister is?”

“Begging your pardon, Your Highness, but Princess Celestia has been to bed some time ago. Is anything amiss?”

I feel shaken to my core, but I keep my face calm, my manner quiet.

“No, nothing is amiss.”