• Member Since 17th Aug, 2011
  • offline last seen Nov 14th, 2019

lilinuyasha


E

Diamond Tiara just isn't happy with where her life is. She misses her father, she's stuck with a dictator of a mother, and she only has one friend to speak of, whom she only sees at school. Why hasn't her father come home? Will she ever be happy again?

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 74 )

Good fic. Hope there is a sequel

6538169 it's incomplete, bro. there will be more chapters.

So Spoiled is now trying to poison the relationship between Diamond and Filthy? For what? This mare's logic grows more insane with each fic I read about her.

6547802 Wel, keep reading and you'll find out :)

I have a bit of trouble to follow this story.
Filthy Rich is not in Ponyville, but in Canterlot for a business trip and the letter Diamond Tiara gave her mother was sent by her to Canterlot to get him to send the playground equipment? That suffers from several problems:
First, Filthy Rich was seen in Ponyville during the episode and that even just minutes before Diamond Tiara told her mother that she should deliver the letter to him and, second, the playground equipment arrived very quickly, definitely not longer than an hour after Diamond Tiara talked back to her mother and gave her the letter. But if her father would have been in Canterlot at this time, it would have taken a lot longer, because until he got the letter, it would have been a day at least.
These are some glaring plotholes here. I assume you have planned the story to write as Alternate Universe and forgot to add the tag?
Another problem is that it's a bit rushed. The story could need a better pacing, take your time with explaining and describing the events and circumstances.
You should especially take more time to better explain the relationship between Filthy Rich and his secretary. They talk like they are very close with each other, which is uncommon for a relationship like this, and it does need some explanation why this is the case to make it understandable.

6569621 Thanks for some actual feedback. Hearing "Good!" all the time doesn't help me progress as a writer.

I'm never good with alternate universe tags. I only saw the episode once and didn't happen to notice Filthy Rich in it, so i missed it. I'll fix that, though. I should pay more attention to episodes i get fanfic ideas about, hm? I'll explore the Secretary's relationship in a future chapter. I still have a bit to go on the story, so it'll make sense then. Honestly, it could just come down to working together for so long, and two ponies that happen to be nice with each other.

As far as pacing, i thought it was better than most of my other fics, but then again, i get so excited to write that I rush it a few times. Thanks for the notice.

At the very least, I hope you'll give it one more chapter before you completely give up on it. Or, you know, maybe read some of my other things.

Thanks for the good feedback, though. Means a lot to have that.

trey

6570070

Thanks for some actual feedback. Hearing "Good!" all the time doesn't help me progress as a writer.

Yeah, I'm starting to notice that this seems to be a bit of a problem here. Too much praise.

I should pay more attention to episodes i get fanfic ideas about, hm?

I would say you should pay more attention to all the episodes (especially to this one). It's an excellent and outstanding show and deserves the attention. :ajsmug:
And yes, paying much attention is crucial for a fic writer.

I'll explore the Secretary's relationship in a future chapter. I still have a bit to go on the story, so it'll make sense then.

Looking forward to it and I'm excited to see with what idea you come up with!

As far as pacing, i thought it was better than most of my other fics, but then again, i get so excited to write that I rush it a few times.

It helps to work with several drafts. If you have written a story or chapter from beginning to end, don't consider it as finished. Slowly read over it again and again and tweak things you catch while doing that. It will get a little more polished every time.

At the very least, I hope you'll give it one more chapter before you completely give up on it.

I won't give up on it, I will continue to read. I try to provide as much good feedback as I can and I want to see this story getting better.

6570523 I appreciate you. You are a truly wonderful, magnificent individual and i wish only the best for you in life. :)

6570574

It's okay, that's naturally. :twilightblush: I just do everything I can to make the stories here even better.

6570595 WOrking on chapter 3. I'll probably have it done tomorrow. In the meantime, feel free to check out some of my other stories, like Hint of Coconut.

6571000

I have already a lot of other fics lined up currently, so I can't read your other stories right now. But I definitely look forward to read Chapter 3 tomorrow!

6571024 Boo.

Just kidding. Maybe you'll read them later. Thanks for taking a look at this one, though. When some of my other fics don't get viewed They tend to die >.>

6572317

It's okay, I understand how hard it is to get your fics read here, with the many fics that get published here. One must use every chance for advertisement. :ajsmug:

6574376 Yeah, kind of didn't think about that one. Anything's possible in an alternate world, right?

Glad you've finally reached the 10 vote benchmark... And most of those are positive.

This story needs more attention.

6575505 Some of my other fics have more votes. My most popular has over 400. I'm glad you enjoy it, though.

Better, much better! I see you've gotten more descriptive and have begun to improve the pacing!
There are still ways to improve it, but for now it's good the way it is. A small suggestion for this part, though:

“I believe it’s 15 till 10, sir.”

“Late night. Thank you, Cart.”

Filthy's..... I mean, Rich's, answer sounds a bit empty. The first sentence sounds like he's contemplating a little, but then it doesn't get reflected and he immediately follows with the next sentence. Here you could insert something, for example:

“I believe it’s 15 till 10, sir.”

“Late night." Filthy looked down for a moment, yawning. Had he really slept that long? It seemed barely like an hour to him. He looked back to his chauffeur, scratching his head. "Thank you, Cart.”

I like the way how you made it that Diamond Tiara's father gets suspicious in regards to his reply letters. Sudden and by a complete coincidence.
Nothing feels forced here, just natural. That's the way good writers do that.
And also how subtly you put it that Diamond Tiara's mother grew an aversion to Filthy, with the replaced stuff in the bedroom that he doesn't like. I look forward to it if she just did that subconsiously or on purpose to make him leave once he returns.
There are some more mistakes that I caught, though:

“It looks like a foal’s handwriting. Some Diamond Tiara?”

Needs to be "hoofwriting". This is crucial, ponies have no hands.

He opened his refrigerator, spying some fresh meat from the local butcher.

Ponies don't eat meat, they are vegetarians. I know you changed it to Alternate Universe, but a substantial change like this about the ponies' society would again need some description that shows why the ponies of this universe eat meat. You should either do that or replace it with something ponies actually eat, maybe just a cheese sandwich with some butter and vegetables? Same goes for the hay bacon, although I'm not sure if this is supposed to be actual bacon that is named after hay for some reason or just hay that is resembling bacon in look, so, if that can stay depends on it what you thought it up as.
I would not recommend the second method, though. Explaining this would probably distract too much from the main point of the story. A simple change of the food would be the best way go go here.

He quickly silenced himself, a little dismayed that nopony was home to greet. He sighed to himself. He hung his head and trotted back down the stairs to the kitchen. He had neglected to eat before his trip, and was absolutely ravenous. He opened his refrigerator, spying some fresh meat from the local butcher. He licked his lips in anticipation and grabbed some necessities for a sandwich. He took a look at the trashcan next to the island, seeing that it was overflowing.

I think you'll understand what sounds off here. It's a prominent mistake of a beginner's author to have repeats like that.
Try to be more diverse and think of other ways to begin a sentence than "He".

“Yes, I am. I was just cooking dinner for Tiara before her school project.”

Breakfast.

“Sure.” she said, emotionless and unenthused.

An example for a grammatical mistake you made often throughout the story. The dialogue here ends with a Said Tag and a dialogue ended that way never has a full stop. Instead of the full stop, you use a comma.
Unfortunately, I'm still a bit busy to get used to these grammar rules myself, so I can't be of much support here if you missed something else, but you can read this guide that covers them:

https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide

It's also linked right when you create a new story.
There are also quite a bit more grammar rules I was told, but I haven't delved into them yet myself and the guide also provides some links to other guides.

To end this comment, I also liked this part:

“Rich, dear, you’re in my way.” Spoiled said from behind him.

For a moment here, I was thinking she would stab him now. :rainbowderp:
I'm not sure if this was intentional, but if it was, this was expertly planned. And if it was unintentional, then congratulations, you did the right thing by instinct! This gives the story a good, short thrill at this point.

6576339 Very nice feedback. Yeah, I'll admit, I screwed up the meat part. I'll go edit that. Thanks for the feedback. Always means a lot.

6576339 By the way, Hay Bacon is literally Bacon made from hay. There were a few pony videos about the concept, one of them making fun of "Epic meal time." "Hay Bacon strips. Hay bacon strip. Hay bacon strips. Applejack Daniels!"

6576899

Looked over it quickly for the things I mentioned. Except for the said tags, everything looks great now!
Good job! Looking forward to Chapter 4!

6577117 I had some free time, so that's coming today.

“It looks like a foal’s handwriting. Some Diamond Tiara?”
Needs to be "hoofwriting". This is crucial, ponies have no hands.

If you want to stay faithful to the show, it should be mouthwriting. :pinkiesmile:

There's much improvement again. Your chapters are getting longer too.
I mentally compared it with the first chapter and there are worlds between now!
I'm proud of you. It's the first time now I see an author who I gave advice improving so much and being so persistently with it.
It's fun to see you grow as an author.

I like a lot of things here; the portrayal of Granny Smith's senility, Diamond Tiara showing some signs of bad influence by her mother, despite her reformation, Filthy's realistic outburst out of rage and jealousy..... There's just one thing I did not understand:
Why was Applejack worried that there could be trouble? I'm not saying it's a mistake, but I sense a future plot point coming up here and it made me intrigued to the reason of her worry.
I did not find many typos this time, you improved there too. Have you gotten an editor, perhaps?
Here are the ones I found:

They must be really good friends, seein’ as they’re always so dern affectionate.”

"darn affectionate"

“Huh. The blankflanks?”

"Blank flank" is a compound word, which means it's supposed to be written separated here.

“I dunno, man. That’s a lot of work...” he chuckled to himself. “Of course.” Filthy smiled at him, and they exchanged some small talk until the bread was ready. Filthy paid him double the price, putting a large smile on the baker’s face, and strolled out the door, heading towards the schoolhouse.

It's hard to see who says "Of course." here. Is it Filthy Rich, accepting that the bread won't be sliced for him? Or is it Honeybuns, who just made a joke about not slicing the bread for him? I assume it's the latter, since you wrote that he chuckled, but if it's Filthy who says that, you should put his part of the dialogue down into an own paragraph. One paragraph per speaker is Writing 101, to make it easy to see who's talking.

Diamond Tiara stated, giving that haughty air about her to reminiscent of her mother.

"to be reminiscent"

Sorting through the mail often make me throw away important papers.

"makes me"



And that's it. I also like it how you used the term "horsefeathers" here. I've never seen that before anywhere, very creative!
You ascended to a higher level of writing quite quickly, makes me turn my initial downvote after reading the first two chapters into an upvote now! Keep going, I'm eager to see what comes next!

6583099

"They must be really good friends, seein’ as they’re always so dern affectionate.”

That was meant to be a part of her accent, so Dern was the intended word.

Honeybun was the one speaking. If it was Filthy, it'd be a separate paragraph. I'm smart enough to know that, bro. I always took pride in my grammatical prowess until I started making careless typos, like the ones you mentioned.

I accidentally added "To." I'll remove that.

And no, no editor. Just cleaner writing, I suppose.

I was wondering when you'd comment. I always look forward to it. But now that I know you were the downvote (That changed, of course) I can sleep at night. I used to toss and turn in a tumultuous slunber, unable to fully achieve a satisfying sleep...because I knew I fucked up somewhere. That 1 vote was haunting me...but now it's not. I can't thank you enough.

6583367

That was meant to be a part of her accent, so Dern was the intended word.

I'm still not sure if it's really right to write it that way, every time I hear Granny saying that, I clearly hear "Darn", not "Dern".
But I also admit that I'm no expert in the Apple Family's southern accent (I'm not even a english native speaker!), I have problems with their accent in my own fics. So I can't give you a 100% accurate advice here.

Honeybun was the one speaking. If it was Filthy, it'd be a separate paragraph. I'm smart enough to know that, bro. I always took pride in my grammatical prowess until I started making careless typos, like the ones you mentioned.

I read over that paragraph again and I can see now that it fits. Would be a bit strange, I guess, if Filthy would stay so friendly after declining such a simple request to him as a customer.
Not really an idea how I could misunderstand that. :twilightoops:

And no, no editor. Just cleaner writing, I suppose.

Impressive. You're fast in making progress.

I was wondering when you'd comment. I always look forward to it. But now that I know you were the downvote (That changed, of course) I can sleep at night. I used to toss and turn in a tumultuous slunber, unable to fully achieve a satisfying sleep...because I knew I fucked up somewhere. That 1 vote was haunting me...but now it's not. I can't thank you enough.

I was carving my yearly pony pumpkin on Wednesday and yesterday, I looked at the groups that were created for "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" and was then busy upon having been hired as a Story Scavenger for the biggest one.
It's interesting that you couldn't sleep well because of one downvote. You take writing very seriously. That's a good thing.
And also good to hear that downvotes have an actual impact on authors here when it's about improving their stories. Of course the downvotes get abused by some readers to vote down stories that they don't like. But your case shows me that they can also drive an author to get better.
And congratulations on that, too! Writing a story and having zero downvotes for it is a very, very rare thing. And now with the improvements you made, you have earned every single one of those upvotes.

6583600 As far as the whole downvote thing, I was being sarcastic. I wasn't losing too much sleep. I was just giving you grief, man. :derpytongue2:

6587343

Huh, okay. :rainbowhuh:

You sounded pretty serious when you said, though, so, in case you feel embarrassed for that, there's no reason for it.
As I said, it's good that you take writing so seriously. More authors should do that.

6587852 I'm very deadpan. In real life, I could probably make you believe my parents were dead, yet still abusing me from the grave.

I had a woman believing I was the father of 6 kids once...when I was a junior in high school. It's a blessing and a curse :P

6591839

Admirable talent. If I could do that, I could make a lot of money (which I could really need right now).

6593160 Don't we all always need money? Hell, I'm writing a novel and I'm still not anywhere near publishing it.

6593332

My case is more special, but that would go too much off-topic here.

6593375 Medical issues?

I like to think I'm a pretty friendly guy. If you ever want to talk about it with a complete stranger whom you have absolutely no reason to trust other than related interests in TV shows, I'm here for ya. Who knows? I might even paypal you some money :raritywink:

I am LOVING this story, regardless of how many others are reading it.

The portrayal of the reformed DT is PERFECT... No longer a bully, but still with a bit of 'tude about her.


Roll on the next chapter!! :)

6600297 I see you are a deadpansnarker. I too enjoy dead pan snark.

I can see where this is going from a mile away... The only question is... Would Spoiled fight for custody of DT?

6604414 I guess you'll just have to keep reading and find out, won't you? :raritywink:

glad you're enjoying the story so far, though.

6604420 Realistically, the answer would be 'no' considering the way she's treated her...

But I'm hoping she does... It would add a bit more drama to the story if that were the case...

Anyway, you're right... I am enjoying the story.

So... Keep on doing what you're doing, I guess...

6604489 You guess? Don't guess. Just know. Know in your heart that there will be plenty of confrontation and ramatic tension in the story.

6604501 And maybe less spelling errors? :scootangel:

6604538 SPELLING ERRORS? WHERE?

6604540 What exactly IS 'ramatic tension' again?!

And, P.S you respond fast. What an active social life you must have. :raritywink:

6604548 I don't do much at work.

"Ramatic tension" is a clop term used to describe the amount of anal tension left after being successfully rammed.

6604573 Paragraph 1: I never would have guessed.

Paragraph 2: I bow to your expertise in the matter... Not THAT much, though...

6604596 An author has to be quick on his feet...er...hooves...if he's going to be a fellow deadpan snarker, correct?

Deep down, though, I'm just a big softie. So many romance stories gone unreciprocated.

6604602 Yep, gotta keep the reputation afloat.

And are you sure we're not talking about ramance stories? Because, if you look closely... You'll find plenty of tales of degradation to fill every palate in that unappreciated category...

Mostly under the M rating... So, don't forget to adjust your settings.

You are very welcome. :twilightsmile:

6604654 I'm not too into ramance. Romance is more my preferred genre. Just go ahead and read "Hint of Coconut" or, popular back in the day, "Flutterheart."

I'm a mushy-gushy guy depressed because that shit ain't realistic.

6604675 I happen to like tales of redemption (Nothing biblical, though. Sorry.)

So at the moment, I'm a bit obsessed with fics where DT tries to make amends for her past misdeeds to those she's wronged.

Not as easy as it sounds.

Thanks for the recommendations, though. Nice to meet SOMEONE who hasn't shamelessly promoted themselves on here. :twistnerd:

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