Canterlot High is a mysterious place, with varying degrees of individual and unseen stories. When a mysterious stranger arrives and sets her sights on Flash Sentry, the girls quickly learn she has a dangerous secret. By that I mean she's an alien sent by a galactic council to see if humanity is worth bringing in, but despite this simple idea she decides to try to find the source of the magic and use it to conquer the galaxy, with Flash Sentry at her side as her reluctant king.
Originally written for 4Chan's /mlp/ board as a tongue-in-cheek approach to Equestria Girls 4, it somehow gained popularity. The original character of Princess Inapan was created by /mlp/ and her design was adopted from an artist known as patricknobles, who also provides the cover image. I claim ownership of nothing but the story.
Rated Teen due to references that may go over children's heads and mentions of Flash's love life.
Now has an editor, a good friend of mine: Moonview.
When you use while in this manner, you are comparing two related things. "While ketchup is great on hamburgers, it is terrible on hotdogs."
The two halves of your sentence have very little to do with each other.
This is not the proper format for dialogue. Decapitalize Came.
1. Earth is singular. Thus, has. Not have.
2. Pieces of metal shreds? But shreds are basically pieces. They're sending pieces of pieces. Remove "pieces of."
awkward as hell, had to pause and think about this sentence to make sense of it. Change "worth anything" to "anything worth."
As before, decapitalize Shouted.
1. Remove "with" at the beginning.
2. Either add a space for a new paragraph, or merge the two.
3. Decapitalize It.
4. this... energy. These... humans. And now, this... Earth. Even TWO instances is overusing it, especially in a 300 word prologue.
So... that's an alarming amount of mistakes for only 300 words. Your frequent improper capitalization tells me that you aren't familiar with proper grammar used in stories, so I'm guessing you don't read much for fun. Even worse, mistakes like "Earth have been sending" tell me that you haven't proofread your own work very carefully, and THAT gives me the impression that you didn't care enough about the story to do so. And, well, if even the author didn't care about the story, why should I read it? I'm sorry if that sounds pretty harsh, but these are the impressions I get whenever I read any stories with mistakes like these.
One more thing, and this is the least of your worries. You ever watch the old pokemon cartoons? Episodes usually started with something like "Our hero Ash has been through a lot, having won a boulder badge from Brock, and a water badge from Misty. Now he's on his way to earn his third badge from the dreaded Lt. Surge in Vermillion City!" I don't know about you, but to me, lines like that usually come off as cheesy, lame, or both. You're starting your fic off the exact same way by telling us all that stuff about Canterlot High.
None of the information you give us there is necessary anyway, as we know ALL of it. All you have to tell us is that they're detecting energy from Canterlot High. To accomplish that, just have one of the aliens namedrop that, or think of some other hint to throw in. Most authors use the phrase "Show, don't tell." Don't straight up tell us what's been going on with Canterlot High. Show us that it's about Canterlot through the alien conversation.
I hope you find all this helpful! If you go back and edit your story, message me again and I might continue reading.
Nice
So cool
Hmmm.... Seems interstitial. I'll be following for now.
I wonder how many people disliked this just because it has Flash Sentry in it.
DAYUM!!!! A LOT OF UPDATES IN ONE HOUR!!!
6577001
A lot of this is written on /mlp/ first, then when the threads are archived, I divide up the posts into chapters.
I have been brutally murdered by this story so far. I've been beaten up, broken down, and thrown all around. And not in a good way. Make a race against time as good as possible, please. I-I can't take any more.
Also, as a sidenote, LET CINCH DIE.
6616587
So is this a positive review or..?
Hi, Dinkles.
6617212 The story was rather cringy for me. I enjoyed a lot of it, but I also cringed at a lot of it. Basically, instead of a stable flow of emotions, I'm getting a jagged mix of feelings that a lot of writers should avoid unless they're writing about Discord or something.
TL;DR: It's really good as a story, but also really bad with the presentation.
SHOUT AT INAPAN
I have cringed, and I have felt, and I have understood. Now, I cry.
inapan is still #1 idiot tho
I wish this was a Sonic Crossover with Sonic Heroes. Then Sonic and his friends will be on the job and give Venus a taste of defeat! Here's a Video of the Main theme of Sonic Heroes the video game.
Time to call them in!
Boy where is Sonic when you need him?!