It was a regular summer evening in Ponyville, the birds were singing , the sun was shining, the cutie mark crusaders were running around town.
“Scootaloo, slow down.” a small white unicorn with a pink and purple mane yelled chasing her friend. Who was a orange Pegasus with a dark purple mane riding a scooter.
“Sorry can’t trying to beat my record.” Scootaloo shouted in response looking back not noticing the rock she was heading for.
As soon as Scootaloo looked forward it was too late. Her scooter ran into the rock and she was sent flying into the air. Her expression showed a bit of fear but was full of surprise as she started to fall. Before she hit the a ground a green aura surrounded her and she was caught in mid fall.
“Thanks Sweetie Belle.” Scootaloo said before being lightly placed on the ground next to her friend.
“Hey girls.” a yellow earth pony with a red mane and a pink bow In it shouted running towards them.
“Applebloom hey.” Sweetie Belle said to the pony who started to pant when she reached them.
“What are you two up to?” Applebloom asked regaining her breath.
“Nothing really, why.” Scootaloo responded getting up with a questionable look on her face.
“Because, I had a great idea for something fun.” Applebloom responded finally not exhausted anymore.
“Well are you going to let us know.” Scootaloo asked a little impatiently clearly wanting to know.
“I was thinking that we can go exploring in the Everfree forest and try to find something that will get us our cutie marks.” Scootaloo grinned at the idea but Sweetie Belle was hesitant.
“I like let's go!” Scootaloo exclaimed full of excitement but again Sweetie Belle was nervous about it.
“Wait, are sure this is a good idea I mean there are a lot of dangerous things in there.” Sweetie Belle mentioned gaining confused looks from them.
“So what we will be fine come on.” Applebloom said running off with Scootaloo.
Sweetie Belle just sighed knowing that there was no point in arguing or telling so she just chased after them. By the time they reached the Everfree forest the sun was setting disappointing Scootaloo and Applebloom.
“Look at that the sub is setting, we should head home now.” Sweetie Belle said nervously and started walking home.
“Oh no we’re not we can still explore for a while.” Applebloom said making her and Scootaloo then giggled as they ran into the forest leaving their friend.
“Hey wait!” Sweetie Belle yelled running after the but already lost track of them after a few minutes and lost her way.
“Scootaloo, Applebloom?!” Sweetie Belle shouted but getting no response as she continued to walk in the forest after the sun had set. After what seemed like an hours in the forest Sweetie Belle started to get really scared when she heard a twig snap behind a bush to her left.
“Girls” she whispered approaching the bush stepping on a twig snapping it. When she was right in front of the bush she pushed it aside. She then found herself standing herself looking straight into the turquoise colored eyes of a changeling.
“AAAAAHHHHHH” she screamed falling on her back and scuffling away when the changeling screamed as well and started running but fell and didn't get up. Sweetie Belle then got on her hooves and slowly approached the changeling lying a few feet in front of her.
The changeling knew what was going to happen she would bring him back to her town and he would be thrown into a dungeon and tortured, sad fate for a young changeling especially on the same age as the mare that was going to bring him to town.
“Are you okay?” She asked able to now see his eyes again and saw them full of fear and loneliness. She then looked at his torso and say that there were scratches and bruises all over him and a giant fresh gash in his hind leg from a rock behind her. She then quickly looked around for something to stop the bleeding from his leg and found the perfect thing.
With his eyes shut he heard her run away fearing that she might bring more he tried to get up but fell immediately. He then heard her returning and he flinched for something but only felt something being ties around his hind leg. He opened his eyes to see her using her magic to tie a big leaf around his leg as he noticed less blood from it.
“Does that feel better?” She asked him making him very confused at all this.
“Yes.” he answered slowly but truthfully.
“Woo that’s a relief.” she said sitting down relaxing looking upwards to the start sky.
“Why did you do that” he asked her standing up this time successfully.
“You were hurt and I couldn't just leave you there” she answered saying it like it was obvious.
She then looked around and sighed “I need to find my way out of here.” She said getting up and walking away.
“Wait.” she heard and turned around at the changeling. “You helped me now it's my turn to help you I know the way to Ponyville.” He told her making her gains big smile.
She then ran up to him and gave him a big hug while telling him over and over “thank you”.
During the hug he realized he was only a little bit taller than she was but quickly shrugged it off, broke the hug up, and lead her to town.
After about 10 minutes they were on the outskirts of the forest and could see Ponyville in front of them.
“Thank you so much.” Sweetie Belle said to him before giving him a small hug and began to run off before stopping. “Hey you didn't tell me your name what is it?” she asked turning around to him before he could wander off.
“My name is Shift.” he responded calmly which confused him with how comfortable he felt telling this mare he just meant his name.
“I'm Sweetie Belle it's nice to meet you bye.” She said running if home leaving him alone returning to the woods not knowing that into of the most unique friendships was beginning with them.
i like it
6626061 thank you it surprises me how fast some one read it. It was only approved like 5 minutes ago
6626077 your welcome and ok
Well my first impressions about this story are rather negative. Starting with the desc there aren't many errors spelling wise however it seems a little... clunky? I don't know how to describe it.
Well for starters the description isn't too descriptive. Why was Sweetie Belle following AB and Scoots? Why is the young changeling hurt and how does she help him? Of course it will probably explain all this in the story, but then why not just remove those statements from the description if your not gonna explain it within the description. This could also bring up the question of if changelings exist in hives like bees why a young changeling has been separated from everyone else, it never explains it in the first chapter. The last sentence is especially clunky. It feels like you ran out of space to type so you quickly typed out the rest of it, however if I remember correctly you have unlimited typing space for the long desc.
There is no cover art and the title is pretty eh, so nothing to report there.
The length of the first chapter is very short. There will be more chapters, I know, however its unusually short even for one chapter of many. My minimal is usually around 1,500 - 2,000 for main chapters and maybe around 1,000 for epilogues or brief introductions. I read it in a minute or two, albeit I was mostly skimming over it. However while reading it slowly and steadily I imagine getting 5 minutes out of it.
I reccomend slowing down and fleshing things out a bit. You described all of the CMC in deph, which is strange as we know what the CMC look like however the environment and other characters so far arent very well described. We figure that Swift is just a changeling with no unique traits aside from having turquoise eyes, which is pretty much the eye color of all changelings.
6626434 this is why I was asking to hear people's thoughts this will help me fix up this chapter so thank you for the tips and his name is shift not swift and all the other questions will be answered I had it planned out for the next chapter so again thank you and I didn't know how many words I was typing because I did it on my phone and it doesn't tell me
From the description:
Proper nouns should always be capitalized. (Your title isn't properly capitalized either.) Also, Apple Bloom's name is two words, not one.
I personally think in the next chapters you should have an explanation on how the changeling got there in the forest in the first place...Also, what happened to Shift when he was there. Your grammar needs some work...but hey, I kind of need help as well....all in all, the story is not half bad. Keep in mind your proper nouns need to be capitalize and try to get the readers wanting more by three things...The beginning, the middle,...and the twist...Good luck!
6629363 thank you for telling me about Apple blooms name and I guess some of the names I overlooked because I made sure to capitalize them I'll fix it
6630589 I have the beginning the middle and the twist planned out already and I am going to explain all that in the next chapter and I will gladly help you out in anyway I can
6631054...Well...the current story I'm making; well I'm making a lot...but one currently is called The Renegade, the Bounty hunter, and the Warlord. Currently in still making it, but I might me missing something's. Can you take a look and see if you can help?
6626434 and Nicky the description wasn't supposed to be that descriptive currently but I will change it and make it more once I get another chapter or two then I can make it better
I like it but I don't think Applebloom and scootaloo would leave sweetie belle in the forest like that.
Also
you really have to watch out for those Subs I hear they can be dangerous