Tomorrow, it should've been summer. Instead, it's winter. Everything he knew was gone. Everything he was was gone. So... what now?
Happens in the Ponies After People universe.
А здесь можно найти перевод на русский.
Chapters (23)
Alkarasu
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Moar Griffins
6555198 Don't worry, there will be MANY more of them.
6555267
I need to finish mine; Joel Adler needs to live
You have my interest so far.
Time-displaced so that it looks like Fimbulvetr makes for a very clever theme to the story.
I'm guessing the straight rows of hills are buried buildings, which suggests it's a long time in the future.
This be interesting, I be tracking.
Alright, as asked for, critique. There is a bit much of repetition with the camping locations where the details don't conjure up any new images than what you showed the first time around. Could you also try and get a proofreader please? It's not bad in a way that makes it hard to read, but cleaning it up would improve the experience a lot.
You're the first to show a Griffon trying to eat vegetables (the reaction was nice...) I think and also actually being a predator eating a fresh kill... should be surprisingly nice in his new form. Maybe elaborate on that a bit? Kind of 'this is revolting... and really, really tasty.' Also the actual hunting success, hunting and killing a by now semi-sapient creature. Maybe describe that in more detail instead of the campsites.
Anyway. +1 for predator griffon. +2 for Russian predator griffon.
And who is that other griffon? Do carry on please.
6555743 Yes, some time has passed. I wonder how much is left of those buildings in there, though.
Well, the spring will tell.
If he lives long enough.
6555766 Thanks for the critique!
The idea was to somehow to convey the idea of how repetitive and bleak his life currently is. Looks like it was bad idea, or I can't execute it properly.
I'm sure he'll be ok with some of the vegetables. It's just he and rowan don't mix well. It's actually pretty common thing, many animals can't eat it raw, without some treatment by the cold it's downright toxic even for humans.
Of course (though, he don't know about the semi-sapient bit... yet
). Most of these two chapters is a massive flashback, after all. It misses the details he don't remember (therefore there are less for the days nothing big happened, and more for the later days, where he hadn't forgot some yet), it concentrates on the details he does (therefore, camping receive more "screen time", it's important to him). When it gets to more "real time", it'll be a bit different. I'll try, at least.
Who knows?
6555820
The idea is fine, no worries. I just think the descriptions could get shorter every time the scene repeats. The last time could literally be one sentence like 'to my dismay, I had to repeat my way of spending the night the same way as the night before for the xth time in a row' or some such. As it is, I found myself skimming over the last one to find the point where the story progresses.
Looking forward to that then. I can see the reason for him talking mainly about the life-threatening camping. Happy writing!
6555907 Thanks again!
*chainsaws the campsites out of the next chapter*
So there are other griffons around!
The story is looking good so far. Um... lemmie make this a better comment... The snow is something that sets you apart. True, Longest Highway had it, but that's just one other. It will be interesting to see if and how he meets with the other griffon. The fact that his phone and groceries came with him makes it near impossible to tell whether he's been displaced by only half a year of not and the other clues aren't concert. Oh well... Still, good start.
(Fell asleep without hitting post so I lost my first responder spot XD)
6555918 It might be hard for him, but for anyone familiar with how the spell works it's quite obvious that it wasn't just half a year. The exact date is anyone's guess (cheaters checking group census aside) at this point.
Actually, it would be quite interesting to hear how far others might place him from what clues there is.
Very interesting start! I'll be following this one closely.
The other griffon he saw sounded a lot like Gilda, but with the time displacement, the only way she would still be on Earth (assuming she was part of the initial search parties) would be if she either chose to stay permanently, or got cut off from her portal home and trapped …
I'm guessing English isn't your first language? You write very well, but there were a few odd word choices, mostly tense confusions (hasn't/haven't for example), that felt like something was lost in translation. I'm going to second the recommendation of getting an editor, but it wasn't distracting enough to ruin my enjoyment.
Awaiting the next chapter!
6555954 Thanks!
Yes, that one should look exactly like Gilda (not that Vsevolod knows how Gilda should look). That trait of hers might be important later. Or not, after all, we can easily expect many survivors to just randomly be genetical twins of someone in Equestria. Glitchy spell is glitchy, after all, and uses entire Equestria as a template.
Ooops, it's that obvious?
Yes, my first one is Russian. Don't worry, nothing is lost in translation (there's no translation), it's just I can't always properly use tenses in English no matter how hard I try.
I'll try to find an editor, and I would definitely spend more time tense-checking.
6556758 It was only obvious because the particular mistakes you made were the sorts of things that would be harder for a non-native speaker to grasp. Most of it was exceptionally well-written, so the tense oddities stood out. Don't take it too hard.
Honestly I'm very confused with this story so far. I understand that he's confused however I don't get his being in a forest
6559191 The story is set in the 'Ponies after people' universe.
Due to a change propagating through the universe, the earth became deadly to humans.
Equestria noticed this was about to happen, and cast a spell which converted humans to a form which could live with the new magic.
A very few humans returned immediately, with most returning slowly over the milennia.
In a century or two, nature will overtake many places.
He's where he started, just not when.
6559191 He lives in a place that normally (without human intervention) is a forest.
6559321 Actually that's kind of a spoiler here...
6559321 ok that explains a few things and helps. I'm guessing he was dying in a snowy forest dying?
best story ever! More thubs up needed!
6561546 I'm not yet ready to kill him.
6563235
Sounds like a classic time travel story. Now all we need is the Equivalent of the half buried statue of liberty. Something big and grand that will let us know how many digits to put in our estimate.
6563474 It might take him some time to get the time right. After all, he's eating Lunch on that equivalent there, and still has no idea when he is. He's not even sure about the time travel.
Of course, he might just ask around, he's in a big city after all.
YES. Have that green thumb.
Apart from a few tense-hops nothing to criticise here. Saw no spelling mistakes either.
This is good. You covered pretty much everything I was hoping for in this chapter three.
Do carry on!
6563522 Thanks!
Had to add gore tag for the hare scene, wasn't expecting so much bloodlust from poor Vsevolod.
I probably need to start feeding him more often, weekly doesn't work.
Sounds like the insanity of isolation. The dragon I mean. No clue about Helga, though. Later generation griffin?
6570182 Probably. Who knows, how long he's living there? He could've been there from day one. It's not like he can just die of old age. Being killed by something also seems unlikely.
As of Helga, there's an explanation to her. And to her tricks with the food.
This just keeps on getting better! I've already come to love your protagonist and that rather simplistic setting the story started out with has acquired a steadily increasing amount of depth and mysteriousness. That native Griffin? Great idea.
Pure gold!
So, Helga is taller than him and seems to be trying to teach him to hunt...
Did he just get adopted?
Language drift seems to be a problem, but I guess if the dragon still speaks Russian, some of the locals might have learned it to communicate with him.
6570675 What? Everyone knows Gorynych is a three-headed dragon, it's perfectly normal for his heads to talk to each other.
6571268 My secret plans have been noticed!
Yes, she acts exactly like a cat with a kitten (since I've based the whole scene on my cat teaching her kittens, only made it a bit less brutal).
As for the language drift, with people dropping in from time to time it shouldn't be that big. Helga's case is spoiler.
Hmm... more mystery about the 'when' now that he's met a member of an obviously rather far developed tribe of elk. And Helga gets more and more interesting as well. And yeah, teach him some personal hygiene Helga!
I think it's the harshest land of any side story as of yet, but of course this fits the former country. I had an immediate, very clear image in my head at the description of the little pony settlement. Will be interesting to see what Moskva ponies (what's 'pony' in Russian?) think of griffins...
For some reason I really had to laugh at this little line. It's these small things that bring a story to life.
6580746 It's not that harsh land, actually, it's just Vsevolod has the best of luck navigating it. Had he went west or north instead of south, he would've hit some traces of civilization on day 3.
Those would be Podolsk ponies (Vsevolod sucks at navigation, he's further south than he thought). He's around this place.
Пони. Sounds exactly like 'pony'.
That... could have been handled better.
Brilliant line! No, seriously. Love this concept.
Thank Archive for this refreshingly different story ;)
Hmm... Seems like 'plain russian' is something of an old language for Teplovoz, going by the difference between his earlier remarks and latter one.
Interesting snippets of culture here though. Including the fact that news and purpose of Archive has spread that far. But I understand the interactions with Hel, Vsev and the elk more now.
6597311 Thanks!
Yes, there appear to be some... misunderstanding there. I wonder if it's over.
6597344 Something that is proper to know (since people keep returning and can literally fall on somepony's head), yet normally useless. He's not really good at it, though.
My projections is that the first Church of Archive (or something like that) is bound to appear within the first century, and then spread. I'm not sure if Teplovoz really understands Archive's purpose (or even realizes that he's only a year and a half trip away from meeting her in person), but then again, it's a normal thing for a religion.
Almost don't even need to go that far.
(Several?) hundred years have passed, and 'jargon' would have arisen, even without significant language drift in the core language.
Ask someone even in the 70s what the phrase 'I tweeted my girlfriend and used the satnav to find her.' meant.
They can understand the words, but the context is utterly lost.
Russian does not have words (presumably) for a rite-of-passage hunt, nor for the odd ritual phrasings that may surround failure of the chick to hunt, so either loanwords from actual griffon, or phrases meaning quite different things come into use.
A fascinating chapter.
I Love the concept of feral griffons. (and presumably other sentients)
6597972
Exactly. The words are the same (they have influx of fresh dictionaries, after all), but the meanings drift and grammar changes makes it nearly impossible to understand, at least, in high-stress situations. The loanwords are very unlikely, though, since most of the griffins get their language the same place ponies do.
I won't expect much of other races go feral, though. Griffins do have a set of traits that make them much more susceptible for that (and much harder to get rid of when the feral population starts to successfully reproduce).
Minotaur Cult Mafia, Fanatic Uplifted Creatures and a humble and grounded earth pony to give our hero his first big quest. It's like we are just finishing up the tutorial stage of a video game XD
So temporally shifted and deaged. I can totally understand why Vsevolod never realized though. Major age lost though. Like 65%.
6611358 It's not Cult Mafia... not always.
6611369 Sure it isn't, sure it isn't
I should have picked up on the age thing from the 'hunt with your parents' line though. Shame on me.
Huh, Volod is much younger than I had in mind. INteresting to see.
6616418 How old were you picturing him?
I'm sure the name Labyrinth probably has more to do with minotaurs than cult films, but I can't help but imagine it as being a religion based on David Bowie as the Goblin King...
6616822 What an interesting and disturbing picture!
Ah, crazy elk shamans and racketeering minotaurs. Beautiful. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
An eloquent and encompassing summary of your situation. Yes yes.
Shame on me for only getting around to read this now. I love your worldbuilding, seriously. Your characterizations are vivid and your pacing has found a nice, well, pace. Can't wait to see what happens next.
6620705
Unfortunately, that's the part that was lost in translation. I simply don't know a proper single-word expletive in English expressive enough to really convey all the meaning of the word he really said.
I know six of them in Russian, though.
So, is Helga babying him like a little brother, or flirting? I'm not sure.
6656116 For her he's 10 years old. Poor Hel is nowhere near perverted enough for flirting with kids.
Vsevolod, on the other hand, might give her very confusing signals in that regard.
Well, that escalated quickly.
The poor wolves!
Totally love how Hel was beginning to teach him to hunt after he mastered gliding... and to think you called my Brenda 'tough as nails'.
Loved that line. Nothing like the good old predator instincts. Pies don't try to flee - like proper meals do.
Now let's see what the hungover unicorn
butcherdoctor can do.6657787
Vsevolod had a lot more time to learn how to move (not to mention Helga, who's born that way), and they are both heavily armed compared to wolves. In my understanding, an adult griffon, if it's not a fresh return, can manage that many wolves alone and with just several scratches.
Also, they wasn't pouring alcohol on their wounds after the battle (Podorozhnik might fix that, but they are already unconscious).
So Brenda still wins the title of the most hardcore.