Oops...
You know…I think if I were ever looking back at this moment, I'd notice I spent a good 2 minutes looking at the ceiling waking up before realizing I was not at my home in Ponyville and I am at the castle. I am not bright at all in recognizing things are wrong immediately.
Why am I at the castle? I certainly do not remember this. Next question subconscious, why do I feel something warm and furry on my right side?
So I look to the right and I see a large pony with white fur and a flowly mane with a sun on her flank…oh shit!
DID I SLEEEP WITH HER!? First off, HIGH FUCKING FIVE DUDE! Second off, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Third, I gotta get the fuck out of here!
Okay, those classes of getting out of bed with a sleeping female classes that my big bro taught me if I ever got caught in these situations will finally come in handy!
Okay blanket…off…make blanket formation natural….pick up clothes, get in them stealthly while humming the Mission Impossible theme inside head and now for the super covert stealthy extravaganza escape, opening the door and…
Celestia’s waking up…NOOOOO!
Okay she’s rolling over…
God, I know I am atheist despite sleeping with a goddess, but if you help me get me out of this without being detected I will convert and worship you.
SHE’S OPENING HER EYES! DAMN YOU GOD!
Thankfully the door is open, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!
40 minutes later…
I have no idea how I ran out of the castle and onto a train to Ponyville without something going down…I am really suspicious right now because I’ve seen enough shit in Equestria to know this would be a perfect time to do so and the fact it hasn’t happen means shit is gonna happen soon.
“It’ll be fine, maybe she thinks Discord’s playing a prank on her, that wouldn’t be the first time.” I say out loud to myself.
Discord would not have magically taken me next to Celestia for a prank, Celestia would have found out. I know we did cause you know when you do it and Discord has to stay away anyway, especially after that restraining order I got on him after he…violated my anatomy to become a pony mare just because I made ONE sexist comment. And trust me, if Celestia herself puts a restraining order, you do not defy her if you want to live!
So that leaves me with hoping to damn hell she has a retard moment and doesn’t find out we totally banged…yeah the chances of that happening is the chance or red and black ponies being respected.
And when Luna find outs…well let’s just say it leaves much to be desired. Cadence…I dunno…I can kind of see her going ‘WHOOOOOOOO!’ for some reason…she’d make a decent chick flick character, just saying.
Twilight I can totally see in my head…
“YOU HAD SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH MY MENTOR!? ARE YOU CRAZY!?” or "How did it go? I must make notes of this!”
First one being more likely. Pinkie would throw a party because she has a party fetish, Rarity would be aghast I would talk about something like that, Rainbow Dash would totally hoof-bump, Applejack….ummm….what would she say? As for Fluttershy…eek. That’s what she’d do.
The general public….NO! No thinking about that, just…go talk to somebody…you can’t just hold it in and sooner or later somebody has to find out.
I know! I’ll tell Rainbow Dash…she may be blunt and a little insensitive but she’s still a pal and won’t freak out as much as the others
“The Train to [Ponyville] will be arriving in [two] minutes, please make sure you don’t leave any belongings behind with you, we thank you for riding the Friendship Express and hope to see you next time” the voice on the train says
Well,here goes…
Aproximately 5.23470538 minutes later…
“Rainbow Dash! I need to talk to you!” I yelled out to a cloud with a certain Pegasus with it.
Said Pegasus came down to me…10.1 seconds later, god is she slow…hope that converts to sex or her appeal is going down fast…what? Like you haven’t thought those thoughts. Anyway I dragged her into an alley for private conversation…NOT THAT PRIVATE CONVERSATION YOU DIRTY MIND PIG!
“So, Jason. What’s up, dude?” Dash says all casually.
“Long story short, I fucked the Princess of the Sun while somehow drunk and I am totally screwed when she finds out it was me” I shortly explain in a blunt way.
“Dude, did you really bang Princess Celestia?” Dash said in awe, like I had just done the most awesome thing ever.
“Yeah…drunk” I admit to this with probably nowhere near as much shame as I should be feeling.
“Dude! That is awesome! Gimme some of that respect right here!” Dash holds a hoof up.
And then the hoof-bump happened, that’s what I like about Dash, you could tell her you blew up Griffionia and you’d still get a hoof bump, plus she’s loyal as hell, try getting someone that loyal back on Earth means they’re loyal to a fault translating to fucking dumb or they’re getting in your good books to stab you kind of thing. Stallions, you need this girl around if you looking for somepony who'll stay with you. She ain't me though, trust me we tried.
“Yeah! But I don’t think Celestia’d be mad at you, you guys were drunk” Dash speaks her mind from experience.
“Tell that to Luna, she’s totally gonna march up to my house and bring the moon down on it with a side of Royal Canterlot Voice” I mutter in fear.
As if the gods were telling me to go fuck myself, Luna landed nearby with the most pissed look on her face…I thought I had more time and also, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
“Oh shitballs, Rainbow Dash you gotta hide me!” I plead with her immediately.
“But-“ Dash started to protest but I was having none of it right now.
“Just do it, I like my skin and you as a friend, I want to keep both so I need to not be seen” I say to her with puppy eyes
“Well…those are the worst puppy eyes ever! But sure, I’ll head her off” Dash starts to leave as she gives me a wink as she enacted Operation: Distract angry Princess that will so murder me.
Okay so I am hidden behind some bins and-
“WHERE IS JASON!? COME OUT JASON AND COME BEFORE ME! HOW DARE THOU DEFILE MY SISTER? SHAME ON THEE! THOU ART LUCKY CASTRATION WAS BANNED 200 YEARS AGO OR THAT’S WHAT WE’D DO TO YOUR TINY GENITALS OF YOUR HUMAN ANATOMY!” Luna yelled in the most devil voice ever. Pinkie, you may have somepony running for your bits.
Heavenly Lord, I know my last prayer was desperate, but I really cannot be found. I will never club again, never get drunk if I get out of this alive, please O magical god in the sky, I beseech thee! Help me in my dire time of need!
“WHERE IS JASON, RAINBOW DASH?” Luna furiously yells at Rainbow in an effort to find me.
“Whoa! Calm down Princess, what do you need Jason for?” Dash has her hooves up in an attempt to calm her down.
Lesson: If you are not an Element of Harmony and you are telling a Princess to calm down and you didn’t land on the moon or be vaporized, you should count yourself lucky, double if you are a dude. Quadruple if you're me right now.
So Luna angrily explained the situation and what my fate would be if I were found, thankfully she was heading away and then I proceeded to FUCKING RUN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
There are 3 things that truly terrify me right now:
Princess Luna
The fear of possible pregnancy despite Alicorns being immune to that thing unless another Alicorn does it.
The Demon Bunny, you know the one of which I speak.
I think running is very justifiable for my existence to be continuing. Considering the last one will show up soon, he somehow always does.
Twilight’s castle is near I could hide there and hope to all heaven and hell Princess Luna doesn’t find me there…bear in mind this is hoping, the fact I haven’t been found is starting to get-
“Hi Jasie!” Pinkie says in front of me.
“AH! Pinkie!” I literal jump out of my skin and fall back in.
I then proceeded to check everywhere before dragging Pinkie into a nearby alley (There are a lot more than you’d think).
“Whatcha doing?” Pinkie asks me with her trademark smile.
“Oh nothing, justhidingfromPrincessLunawhoisabouttokillme! How about you?” I say really quick and innocently.
“Oooh you’re playing hide and seek with Princess Luna, I got you! I won’t say a word!” Pinkie sort of catches on.
“Huh? Hide and seek? That's not what I...I mean YES! That’s what I am doing, playing hide and seek with our dear Princess of the Night who is threatening to kill me for reasons I will not disclose. It’s very important that she doesn’t find me, so can you be a pal and distract her, please?” I grinned evilly as I could see my convincing skill level up.
“Okie dokie lokie! One super-duper distraction coming up” Pinkie instantly smiled.
Pinkie then proceeds to go in a direction to assist Rainbow in Operation: Distraction. Heh Heh, this is like taking candy from a baby, I should know, I actually did that to the cake twins on Nightmare Night, serves them right for pouring flour all over my costume.
Now to make my cunning escape and-
TAP TAP!
Oh no, the devil bunny is here, Angel Bunny! I turned very slowly to the evil grinning bastard. I am so fucked right now and not in the good fucked way.
“Hi Angel, how’s it going?” I smile innocently
‘I hear you are running from the Princess, shame if she suddenly found you’ Angel puts on a troll smile as I am sure those are the words he conveys.
“Don’t you do it” I look him sternly in the eye and pleaded.
‘Imma do it’
“Don’t you do it!”
‘Imma do it’
“ANGEL NO!” I yell as I see him about to do his screech.
‘Angel YES!’
Oh crap…she’s coming this way! OH FUCK ME IN THE BALLSACKS ON A FISHSTICK! WHY ME?
“WE HATH FOUND THEE JASON! THOU WILL NOW ENDURE OUR WRATH!” Luna shouted as she went super-speed at me.
“You… white furred son of a bitch” I looked at Angel for the brief second before the inevitable thing happen.
I was quickly grabbed around the throat and teleported…straight in front of Celestia.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--
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Ehhhhh the way this is written could do with a little improvement, first person perspective isn't doing this story too many favors. It's got a good premise and it's very neat otherwise, which means I'll be sticking around for a while.
I felt several things were wrong with this chapter.
I felt there should be more development based on thoughts and feelings. Take your time with it.
Conversations kept having one after another.
Maybe develop Jason a bit more.
Other than that, i thought it was kind of okay.
This thing is cracked.
Way too much caps. Like, half the dialogue and thoughts are in caps. Things are more special when you use less of it.
6496399 Thanks there's always improvement. I'm no big writer or anything.
6496757 If you need any help making this better grammar or formatting wise, I can help you if you don't already have an editor.
I read this before.
I know I have.
I don't think the author stole it.
I'm confused.
Aaaaaaaaand I'm gone! sorry dude you had a interest idea but when you put the 'in your head thing' so much fear and cowardliness, freaking RAPE! and not even taking Angel with him, and giving him a payback you lost me complete. it was an interest concept though, and I wish you the best of luck
Dis gun be good
Needs work and editing. Promising story. Do continue.
We'll I'm hooked, keep it up.
i havent laughed that hard in weeks :D keep up the funny work
awesome
stayclassy
I think I don´t undestand it, was she drunk too? I don´t get why she should not know it, in every story I know, she can´t get drunk.
6496879
6496694
6496399
I somehow agree with everyone of them, but I can´t really decide what was the worst point for me.
The story started good, but not everything was that good.
I like this better already than your last one. Your spelling certainly has improved a lot.
Needs a bit of editing
Other than that, quite hilarious.
This is very poorly written.
6547958
It quickly improved as the chapter progressed. Still not as well-written as similar fics, but easily good enough. Combine "good enough" with this very interesting plot and imma read it.
Jason, mate? Two things:
1) Trying to run away from a Physical Goddess like Luna is pointless. She's immortal and omnipotent; she'll find you... eventually. She has all the time in the world;
2) You actually have a viable weapon to use against her. Threaten to tell her what her older sister is like as a sexual partner and she'll run screaming.
Dear god this first chapter is fucking all over the place. It's obnoxiously random. No, not in a good way.
Firstly, lay off the caps lock for fuck's sake. Secondly, stop trying to make jokes every five seconds.
7653963
Curse or bless?
*offers high five*
This is the funniest i have ever read on this site. This is just pure balls to the wall crazy and I love it already!
Angel no
ANGEL YES
8609802
*high fives so you aren't left hanging
Best paragraph ever