SMILE HARD
“I have a question!” Diamond Tiara sat at the chair that crowned the table and looked at Rarity. “So is the whole ‘hobo looking for a yummy cat to stab’ look on purpose, or you’re just really bad at grooming yourself?”
The whole table fell silent as Rarity’s smile petrified. Her eyes got a little glassy.
“Because if you did that on purpose, you have some serious dedication, lady,” Diamond Tiara continued, pointing at Rarity’s face. “Rubbing every last follicle of your face with… whatever that is must have taken hours. I thought only serial killers took so much care about—”
“So!” Rarity smashed the table, and Diamond Tiara flinched away. “I’m glad you all could make it, Cheerilee, Mayor Mare. I hope you’re having a good week?”
“We’re doing well, thanks.”
“Absolutely.” Cheerilee smiled politely. “I hope you’re, uh, doing better? After the accident and all—”
“Yes, yes. Of course!” Rarity’s eyes were shining maybe a little bit too much. “Everything is going perfectly!”
“What are you covered in anyway?” Diamond Tiara asked, frowning and squinting at Rarity. “I’m trying my hardest to figure it out, but the only words that come to mind are ‘green’ and ‘questionable’.”
“Anyway!” Rarity sat down with the weight of a Mafia oppositor diving into the river. “We’re all here, so I hereby declare this meeting of the Ladies Club started! This is our new member, Diamond—”
“Wait. We’re starting already?” Mayor Mare looked around. Sugarcube Corner was almost empty aside from them—there were two ponies sitting at the table on the other side of the bakery, and that was all. “But… Where’s Applejack? Or Princess Twilight?”
Rarity’s face came back to normal, more or less. “They both have business to attend this afternoon, Mayor Mare. Twilight might join us later on if we’re lucky, but Applejack assured me she was needed at the farm.” She frowned a little. “She had to take care of something that’d been pending long ago, she said.”
“RAINBOW DASH! GET DOWN FROM THAT TREE RIGHT NOW!”
“No.”
“GET DOWN!”
“No!”
“GET DOWN OR SO HELP ME!”
“This tree is cozy and good to sleep!”
“YOU ARE MAKIN’ THEM TREES GO BAD!”
“That’s a lie!”
“AH’M GONNA THROW AN APPLE AT YOUR FACE!”
“I don’t believe you!”
“OH, YOU DON’T?!”
“No!”
“HYA!”
Ploc.
Silence.
“You do realize the only thing that did was add one more apple to the tree, right.”
“OH, YEAH? THEN WHAT ‘BOUT THIS?!”
Ploc.
Silence.
"How can you be so bad at this."
“CREATIVE THINKIN’ IS HARD OKAY.”
“A matter of life and death, surely, if she was forced to miss this,” Rarity said, nodding to herself. “Anyway, as I was saying—I hereby declare this meeting of the Ladies Club started, and give our warmest welcome to our new member: Diamond Tiara!”
Cheerilee and Mayor Mare nodded at her.
“Well, then!” Rarity clapped twice, and a little bit of dust came off her hooves. Nopony commented on it. “Let’s get down to business, shall we? Anything interesting to report to the—yes, Diamond Tiara?”
Diamond Tiara lowered her hoof. “Yes, I have no money with me. Are you going to pay for whatever I eat here?”
Rarity blinked. “Well, I—”
“Rarity will pay,” Cheerilee said.
“Wait, what?”
“Cool!” Diamond Tiara stood on her chair and waved at the counter. “Hey! Missus Cake! Give me a piece of the most expensive cake you have!” She turned to Rarity. “You want something?”
“I—”
“Hahah, gotcha, I don’t actually care. And nothing else, Missus Cake!” Diamond Tiara sat down again. “So! I have no idea what I’m doing in this place. What’s going on?”
Rarity chuckled and patted Diamond Tiara’s head. “Oh, darling, you didn’t listen to me earlier? This is the Ladies Club!” She made a broad gesture, embracing the whole table. “A place where the most influential and classy mares of Ponyville gather and talk about—”
“Influential and classy?” Diamond Tiara cocked her head to the side. “Is that why Fluttershy is not part of it?”
“That, and because that Mayor Mare doesn’t like her.”
“I avoid ponies who can’t be bribed on a general basis.”
“Yeah that sounds dumb,” Diamond Tiara said. “I have no reason to be here. I think you’re kidnapping me. Are you kidnapping me?”
“Good point, actually,” Mayor Mare said, looking at Rarity. “I thought we were going to ask your sister to be part of—?”
“So you are kidnapping me? You didn’t even tie me up.” Diamond Tiara wrinkled her muzzle. “Gosh. You’re really bad at this. Also, my father will go after your families after paying ransom.”
Mayor Mare gave her the exact same smile all politicians used with children—it had all the warmth and sympathy of a slightly dusty armchair. “Sweetie, the grownups are talking. Anyway, Rarity, I understood that—”
“Hey, joke’s on you, I talk from experience.” Diamond Tiara frowned at Mayor Mare. “My father has done that before. I’m his little princess because after Mom died he has nothing else left, he says.”
“To get your sister and—wait.” Mayor Mare blinked and looked at Diamond Tiara, and this time she almost looked like she was talking to an actual living being, and not some kind of talking pet. “Your father has what?”
Just then, Mrs. Cake brought Diamond Tiara a slice of wedding cake, which she nibbled then threw to the floor with a splat! “It didn’t taste horrible!” she said, barely looking at Mrs. Cake. “Bring two more! And Dad has revenge-kidnapped families before. Like Miss Cheerilee’s! Right, Miss Cheerilee?”
Cheerilee grimaced, but nodded. “Interesting weekend, that one,” she muttered, taking a sip of her tea. “My father still has a pathological fear of crowbars.”
“Wait, wait, wait. What?!” Mayor Mare’s frown was deeper than an idiot’s belief of the horoscope. “Are you—are you being serious?!”
“Yeah.” Diamond Tiara took Rarity’s teacup and drank from it. “She kidnapped me.”
Rarity looked at Cheerilee. “You did?”
“She had a twenty-minutes-detention because she hadn’t done her homework in two weeks,” Cheerilee muttered. She sounded tired. “I sent a note to her father explaining it, just to avoid that situation.”
“Yeah I didn’t give it to him.”
“Hey!” Mayor Mare took the teacup from Diamond Tiara’s hooves and gave it back to Rarity, who looked at her startled. “Cheerilee, am I to understand this filly is in your class?”
“Um.” Cheerilee arched an eyebrow. “Mayor Mare, I kind of run the only school in the whole town.”
“And so? Cheerilee, I’m a politician, I neither understand nor care about education!” Mayor Mare slammed her hooves on the table. “Is this filly one of your students or not?!”
Rarity intervened before Cheerilee could say a word. “Diamond Tiara is a classmate of the Crusaders, yes,” she said, tapping the teacher’s shoulder to make sure she remained calm. “She is one of her students.”
“Well then, you shouldn’t allow them to talk like that!”
Mrs. Cake laid the two new slices of cake in front of Diamond Tiara. “Um, do you want a spoon, dear?”
“No, I don’t need it!” Diamond Tiara took a bite from one of the pieces and the strawberry from the other. “Bring two more! And throw these away, I don’t want them anymore.” She pointed. “Rarity pays, because they’re kidnaping me.”
Mrs. Cake frowned at Rarity. “You’re kidnapping her?”
“Of course not!”
“Or act like this!” Mayor Mare kept on glaring at Cheerilee. “What kind of instruction are you giving to the foals of Ponyville, if they act like this in front of you?!”
“I don’t think it’s my fault, actually,” Cheerilee said, her tone perfectly calm, like a doctor telling a pregnant mare that her stork trap comes a little bit late this time. “All my other students are perfectly well-behaved; Diamond Tiara is just a legal loophole, so I can’t really act there.”
Rarity looked to the side and snorted. A puff of dust came off her muzzle as she did so. “Perfectly well-behaved,” she muttered. “Yes, sure.”
“They all say they’re not kidnappers, because they’re all cut with the same pattern, Dad says,” Diamond Tiara said, nudging Mrs. Cake. “If you call the police now Dad will call his thugs, but I like the cake so don’t do it yet.”
“If they’re perfectly well-behaved, I’m a windig—hey” Rarity blinked and looked at Mrs. Cake again. “We’re not kidnappers! Do I look like a criminal to you, Mrs. Cake?!”
“You didn’t ask me but yeah you do,” Diamond Tiara said.
“You…” Mrs. Cake looked around, flustered. “Well, I don’t mean to judge, dear, but… I don’t know, you have that green and questionable thing all over your face, and it’s kind of—”
“She won’t say what it is because she’s ashamed,” Diamond Tiara said. “Probably because she kidnapped me. Bring me more cake now?”
“I won’t say because I’m asham—it’s dirt!” Rarity’s voice went up like a president’s popularity after she reveals she can breakdance. “Oh my gosh, It’s just dirt, stop implying whatever you’re implying!”
“If I covered your face with cake you would be cleaner,” Diamond Tiara said, eyeing the strawberry-less slice in front of her. “Missus Cake, you can go bring me more food now, before they kidnap me again or something.”
“Legal loophole?” Mayor Mare arched an eyebrow. “One of your students being so crass is a legal loophole?”
“Again: we’re not kidnapping you!” Rarity said. “Goodness me, we know Filthy Rich personally, what do you expect us to even do with her?!”
Cheerilee nodded. “Yes, a legal loophole.” She grabbed Diamond Tiara, turned her around, and all but smashed her flank against Mayor Mare’s face. “Here! Look at this!”
Absolute silence.
They all looked at Cheerilee, who frowned. “What? Why are you looking at me like that? I’m just showing this to Mayor Mare!”
More absolute silence.
Cheerilee blinked. “Oh. Right. We’re trying to avoid looking like kidnappers. Okay, so this makes a lot of sense if you know the context, Mrs. Cak—aaaand you’re already gone.”
“Hahah!” Diamond Tiara looked at Cheerilee, legs dangling, tail wagging. “Dad’s getting the vicious thugs for this one.”
“Big Mac! You gotta help me!” Applejack nudged her brother and pointed at the apple fields. “Dash is sleepin’ on them trees again!”
Big Mac arched an eyebrow at his sister.
“Yes, she is!” Applejack said. “And we gotta make ‘er stop! She’s makin’ them go bad! Here!” She looked for something in her hat and showed it to him. “Look at this apple!”
Big Mac looked, and his eyes opened wide.
That wasn’t a good apple. Any other pony wouldn’t have seen it, but Big Mac had been raised among apples, and he could tell the good ones from the bad ones—it was all about their skin, the way they reflected light, the roundness.
And that apple got them all wrong. It looked bubbly, which was the second worst thing an apple could look like; just above “blurry” but still under “fluent in Pfrench.”
If Rainbow Dash was doing that by sleeping on the apple trees, then that was a job for Big Mac.
He squinted. “Show me,” he said.
Applejack’s face lightened up with hope. Oh, yes, she thought. Rainbow Dash was going to get it. Big Mac wasn’t a pony of words, but of action—if he wanted to do something, he did it. She showed him the way to the Dashed apple, and pointed at it with a smirk.
“YOU THERE!” she yelled. “YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS TO GET DOWN BEFORE BIG MAC SHOOS YOU AWAY!”
“No.”
“OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT! YOU’RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT WHEN HE—”
Ploc.
Silence.
“Did you just throw an apple at her?”
“…Eyup.”
“Consarn it.”
“You know, Cheerilee? I’m actually curious.” Rarity was covered in so much stuff that some of it was probably alive, and yet her eyes managed to be the scariest part of her when she glared at Cheerilee. “Did you have anything in mind when you shoved a kid’s rear in Mayor Mare’s face, or you are just that desperate for free sessions with a therapist?”
Cheerilee put Diamond Tiara down. “Okay, first of all? You agreed with me when I said Dr. Young Heart charges too much for a session, and that the system was made to be beaten.”
Mayor Mare nodded and pointed at Cheerilee. “She got you there!”
“Plus, you know I just fake mommy issues to get that,” Cheerilee continued. “No, I was just trying to show Mayor Mare why Diamond Tiara acts like a—”
A pause.
Diamond Tiara looked at Cheerilee, her face sixty percent innocent eyes.
Cheerilee coughed. “Why she acts like, uh, herself.”
“Dad says authenticity is important when you’re rich, because everypony else needs to put up with you anyway.”
“I see.” Mayor Mare looked at Diamond Tiara, then at Cheerilee. Her tone was stern, like a stereotypical father with a big moustache. “You let the filly act like that because she’s got a…” She squinted. “…A nice flank?”
“Stop calling me ‘filly’,” Diamond Tiara said, frowning at Mayor Mare from her chair. “My name is Diamond Tiara!”
Mayor Mare didn’t even bother looking at her. “Too much of a mouthful,” she said.
“My friends call me DT!”
Cheerilee groaned. “Mayor Mare, I was not trying to point that out, I was just—” She blinked. “Wait a moment. Diamond Tiara? What did you say they call you?”
The filly smiled. “DT!”
A moment of silence.
Rarity looked at the other two. “Well, she does look like she’ll fancy some wine when she’s older.”
“Yes, she fits the type,” Mayor Mare muttered, eyeing DT. “Do you think the kids did that on purpose?”
“Well, I don’t know.” Rarity scratched the back of her neck. “I don’t think kids know the meaning of—”
“Wait a moment.” Cheerilee raised a hoof and poked Diamond Tiara. “Diamond Tiara, sweetie, who made up that nickname?”
“Berry Pinch!”
“Yeah they did it on purpose.”
“This is outrageous, Cheerilee!” Mayor Mare crossed her legs even harder. They kind of hurt. “The more I hear about it, the more I dislike your methods! First this kid, and now…?”
“Berry Pinch is an incredibly sweet filly,” Cheerilee snapped back, “who just happens to have an interesting family life and a lifelong acquaintance with Doctor Young Heart.” She patted DT’s head. “Diamond Tiara is an exception, as I’ve already said—look at her cutie mark! Diamond Tiara, sweetie, show it to them, please.”
Diamond Tiara complied. Rarity and Mayor Mare looked.
“Really cute,” Rarity said. “Is it a crown?”
“It’s a diamond tiara!”
“Oh.” Rarity smacked her own forehead. “Yes, of course. How did I not see that.”
“You’re not that wrong, however,” Cheerilee said, patting DT’s head again so the filly would stop shaking her flank against the two mares’ faces—Celestia knew if Mrs. Cake was still looking, after all—and taking another sip of tea. “A diamond tiara is a sign of power, of class and nobility.”
“My special talent is to be better than the rest!” Diamond Tiara explained, chest swollen with pride.
“As a teacher, I’m forced to make sure my students develop their special talents as much as possible,” Cheerilee said. “And how do you do that, Diamond Tiara?”
“I make others feel bad to let them know I’m better!”
“There.” Cheerilee shrugged and finished her tea with one long sip. “Legal loophole.”
Rarity looked at Cheerilee with worried eyes. “That’s horrible,” she whispered.
“Hey, I’m just doing my job.”
“But that still doesn’t mean she can act this way all the time!” Mayor Mare said. “She can diss other children, I don’t care—but she should treat us with some respect!”
“Why?” Diamond Tiara looked at Mayor Mare like a dog looking at a treat shaped like a mailpony’s leg. “I’m still better than you.”
Mayor Mare snorted. “Sure you are.”
There was a pause.
Diamond Tiara blinked, the sound not registering in her mind for a second or two. “What,” she said, voice soft. “Did you just. Did you just laugh at me?”
Cheerilee’s eyes went wide. “Uh, Mayor Mare? I wouldn’t antagonize the kid. She can be really—”
“Oh, please.” Mayor Mare rolled her eyes and looked at Diamond Tiara. “Yes, filly, I was laughing at you, because you’re making a clown out of yourself. It’s not my job to educate you, but I won’t be humoring you just because you’re a kid who think she’s cute. Grow up already.”
The bell at Sugarcube Corner’s door jingled softly, but nopony paid it any heed. The air had gone cold around the Ladies Club table.
“You have no idea what you’re doing, are you?” Diamond Tiara said, and her voice didn’t sound like that of a child. She gave each syllable the induction only worn-out war veterans and really really weird babies could muster. “You don’t really know who I am.”
Even Rarity looked worried as she put a hoof on Mayor Mare’s shoulder. “Mayor Mare…”
“See, kid? That’s exactly the kind of thing I was talking about,” Mayor Mare said. “Rarity, seriously, you shouldn’t have brought this one. I understand we have to add young blood to the Ladies Club, but I thought you were going to ask your little sister?”
Diamond Tiara didn’t change her tone. “You mean Sweetie Belle?”
“Actually…” Cheerilee shot Rarity a curious look. “I thought the same when I saw Diamond Tiara here. Why didn’t you ask Sweetie Belle to join, like we agreed to?”
“That’s exactly what I wanted to ask!”
They all jumped.
A pale fuchsia mare, more chubby than skinny, with a purple hairdo higher than a bohemian poet and three cookies as a cutie mark was standing right next to their table, and she was staring at Rarity with that special mixture of love and absolute pure hatred only parents can muster.
“Why didn’t you invite your little sister here, young lady?” Rarity’s mother half-asked, half-yelled. “I hope you have a good excuse!”
Sugarcube Corner fell silent as they all looked at the new mare. Rarity and her mother looked at each other with anger and panic, respectively.
A couple seconds passed.
“…Also how come that filly sounds like Uncle Veteran Baby? It’s creeping me out.”
“Applejack, I hope this is important,” Twilight said, brow furrowed. “I have important princess business to attend, and I can’t do princess business in a farm. Duchess business at most, really.”
“It is important!” Applejack said, getting the apple from her hat and almost shoving it up Twilight’s nuzzle. “Look at this!”
Twilight looked. “It’s an apple.”
“It’s a bad apple!”
“Looks perfectly fine to me.”
“It’s not!” Applejack saved it in her hat again and pointed up. “And it’s all ‘cause of Dash! She just won’t come down from that tree! You gotta help me!”
Twilight had to blink twice before answering. “Seriously? You asked me to come here just so I could shoo Dash away? Applejack, I’m busy!”
“And Ah’m tryin’ to save my farm!” Applejack said, and she sounded every little bit as angry as Twilight herself. “Nothin’ Ah’ve done has worked, and those apples are my life, Twilight!”
“Gee.” Twilight took a step back and looked at the tree. “No need to get like that. Did you try throwing an apple at her?”
“Yeah. Didn’t work.”
“Wow. Down the drain goes anything Big Macintosh can do, then. Is he okay?”
“Eh. Cryin’ under the kitchen table.”
“Hah. Classic Big Mac.” Twilight spread her wings and winked at Applejack before taking off. “I’m on it. Give me a moment.”
“Thanks, Twi!” Applejack grinned as she saw her friend go up, holding her hat in place with her right hoof. “Ah owe you one!”
“Okay, Dash, Applejack asked me to talk some sense into you. What’s going on?”
“Hey, Twilight! I’m napping on this tree.”
“So I’ve heard. You know, you really shouldn’t do that.”
“SHE’S ALSO DESTROYIN’ MY LIVELIHOOD AND CONDEMNIN’ MY FAMILY!”
“Yeah, you shouldn’t do that either.”
“Aw, come on! It’s really comfy up here!”
“That’s no excuse, Dash!”
“DARN RIGHT!” Applejack’s grin grew wider. “TELL ‘ER, GIRL! BRING ‘ER DOWN!”
“Come on, check it out!”
“I am not going to check anything out, Dash. You’re an adult, and you should act like—wait a minute. Is… Is that an espalier branch with untrimmed twigs?”
“You bet it is!”
“My goodness, that is amazing! How did they even do that? And it’s so soft and symmetrical!”
“No, no, you gotta look at the west there. Light’s more natural.”
“Hey, you’re right!”
Applejack blinked, her grin frozen. “Um. Twi?”
“Gotta say, this is comfy. Do you have any extra pillows with you?”
“Twilight, puh-lease. You’re talking to me! Of course I have them! Here, I brought one with your cutie mark.”
“Aw, that’s so thoughtful of you!”
“What the—NO THAT AIN’T THOUGHTFUL!” Applejack yelled, resting her front hooves on the tree and shaking it. A couple leaves fell, but nothing else. “GET DOWN Y’ALL!”
“Oh my gosh. This is better than my bed.”
“HEY!”
“Of course it is! Why do you think I’m here all the time? Bathroom is to the left.”
“Thanks.”
“WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU MEAN ‘BATHROOM’S TO THE LEFT?!’”
“Gee, Applejack. What do you think I mean?”
“Yeah, Applejack, that was pretty obvious. Hey, you know who should see this? Fluttershy.”
“Great idea!”
“TWILIGHT YOU’RE MAKIN’ THIS SITUATION WAY WORSE!”
“And, what the hay, why stop with Fluttershy? What’s the average price of land in this part of town? We could really make a profit out of this.”
“I don’t know. Applejack?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“I think she means a hundred and fifty bits per square meter.”
“Adjusted to inflation?”
“Well, duh.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“Mother!” Rarity flinched so hard she almost got clean. “How in Equestria did you know I was here?!”
Mother—neither Cheerilee nor Mayor Mare knew her name—looked at her with feline contempt. “You’ve been coming to this place every single Wednesday of your life since you reached puberty, Rarity,” she said.
Rarity blinked. “Oh. Oh, right.”
“I also followed the trail of dirt you left behind.” Mother pointed at the floor, where Rarity’s hoofsteps were clearer than the skin of a redhead in denial. “You should really consider a shower, Rarity.” She nodded at the rest of the table. “Hello, girls. And hello to you too, weird Veteran Baby filly.”
“A pleasure.”
“Nice to see you.”
“Why did you call Cheerilee a filly?” DT asked.
“Mother, why are you here?” Rarity asked, for what felt like the thousandth time. “You know the Ladies Club meetings are a grave and pressing matter!”
“Wait, so the kid is stupid on top of rude?” Mayor Mare leered at Cheerilee. “What in the name of Celestia do you do in that school of yours? Pitch them against each other and see who’s got the best left hook?”
“Yeah, Featherweight is the indisputed champion. We don’t get it either.”
“Sush, honey. And Mayor Mare, don’t you dare say that!” Cheerilee said, wrapping her foreleg around DT’s shoulder in a protective gesture. “Goodness’ sake, Mayor Mare, she’s just a kid! All kids are idiots to some degree—I actually think DT is really sharp for her age!”
Diamond Tiara arched an eyebrow. “Wow. I actually find the condescending attitude more insulting than the direct attacks. Talk about good moral lessons, Miss Cheerilee.”
“I said sush.”
“Yes,” Rarity repeated, not an ounce of irony in her voice. “A grave and serious matter indeed!”
“You didn’t let Sweetie Belle join your club!” Mother said, taking a chair and sitting right next to Rarity, frown deep. “How can you—hold on, can I ask for something to drink? I don’t have money with me.”
“Oh, sure,” Cheerilee said with a warm smile. “Rarity will pay.”
“Hey! You can’t go saying—!”
“Thank you, dear,” Mother said, smiling back at Cheerilee. “Excuse me, Mrs. Cake? Another round of tea, please? Add one extra for me! Rarity, you’re a darling for paying for us all.”
“I’d never said I’d—”
“But I’m still angry with you! You didn’t invite your sister!” Mother crossed her front legs and glared at Rarity. “How can you be so petty? She apologized!”
“I—! You—! You can’t—! Ugh.” Rarity massaged her forehead. “Mother. Sweetie Belle burnt down my house.”
To which Mother replied with the good ol’ technique of dragging the vowels like the feet of a handicapped ballerina, talking the way unicorns talk to children of inferior races. “But Raaaaaarity,” she said. “She apologiiiiiized.”
“Mother dear of mine, SHE LITERALLY DESTROYED EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR.”
“Yeeees. But she apologiiiiiized.”
“I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING UNDER THE BRIDGE FOR THREE DAYS BECAUSE OF HER!”
“What?” Cheerilee turned around from Diamond Tiara’s idiocy towards Rarity. “You have been sleeping under the bridge? I had no idea!”
It took Rarity a moment. “You didn’t know I was—Cheerilee, I’m completely covered in mud and dirt.”
“Well, yeah, but that doesn’t necessarily mean—”
“I have a hut in there with a sign that reads ‘Rarity’s New House!’”
“I just figured it was some kind of avant-garde—”
“YOU SAW ME THERE THIS MORNING WHEN I ASKED YOU FOR SOME CHANGE TO BUY BREAKFAST!”
Cheerilee raised both hooves up in the air, in an ‘I give up’-esque gesture. “I don’t know!” she said. “Life is confusing, the universe makes no sense, sometimes ponies do weird things! I mean, you have a complicated life. I only thought—”
“THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!”
“Yeah I just thought you were following a trend,” Mayor Mare said as she took a sip of her now cold tea. “Covering yourself in dirt, being miserable… kinda sounds like fashion to me.”
“I just assumed you were waiting for a chance to kidnap me!” Diamond Tiara added.
“WHY WOULD I EVER DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS?!”
“I don’t know. Why would you ever sleep under a bridge for three days instead of asking one of your friends to let you stay at their place?” Mayor Mare shrugged. “Some questions are best left unanswered, Rarity.”
“Aw, so you lost your house.” Mother slapped Rarity on the back. “It was probably an accident! When I was your age, I broke up with my boyfriend. Everypony has problems! Now make up with your sister and invite her to this group.”
Rarity made sure not to scream. The yell was getting out of her throat, but she swallowed it up, gritted her teeth, smiled really really hard, and talked in the incredibly calm tone only hysterical people use. “Mother,” she said, and the word was sweet with rage, “I don’t think you’re getting the full picture. It wasn’t an accident. Accidents are accidental. That’s what the word means.”
Cheerilee nodded at Mother. “Her story checks out so far.”
“What happened,” Rarity continued, still smiling like a father on Mother’s Day, “is that Sweetie Belle, dearly little angel that she is, walked to my room, approached my desk, opened my drawer, went for the little box that said ‘Matches—Do Not Touch’, and said ‘Hey! I have a great idea!’ AND THEN SHE BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE!”
“Wow. That was weirdly detailed.”
“BECAUSE I WAS THERE WHEN THAT HAPPENED!”
Cheerilee arched an eyebrow. “Then why didn’t you stop her? That was really irresponsible on your part!”
“SHE TIED ME TO A CHAIR!”
“She’s, like, eight years old,” Mayor Mare said, looking at Rarity above her glasses. “I mean, if she tied you up, that’s because you let her.”
“SHE WAITED FOR ME TO FALL ASLEEP FIRST!”
“Well, why did you fall asleep on the first place?” Mother asked, crossing her forearms. “You left her alone!”
“She’s right, Rarity,” Cheerilee said. “No matter how you look at this story, you come out as the bad guy.”
PLAF!
Rarity slammed her head on the table.
PLAF!
Twice.
Mrs. Cake arrived to the table and set three cups of tea on it—in front of Mother, Cheerilee, and Mayor Mare, respectively. She also brought some wedding cake for Diamond Tiara, too. “Um. I don’t want to step in the conversation,” she muttered in an apologetic tone, “but I think you should listen to them, Rarity. Falling asleep like that was just asking for trouble.”
PLAF!
Thrice.
“I’ll assume you’re paying for that table, too.”
“I think what Sweetie Belle did was reasonable,” Diamond Tiara said, looking at Mother with those big eyes that made her look like a sweet and innocent child, because the world is a treacherous and horrible place. “I would have done the same!”
“See?” Mother patted DT on the head. “It’s just kiddie stuff! They’re supposed to act like that!”
“I deal with, like, fifty of them on a daily basis, Rarity,” Cheerilee said, poking the side of Rarity’s head. She was still pressing her face against the table. “Absolute wakefulness, girl. The only way, really.”
Mayor Mare nodded so sagely it was a shame she didn’t have a beard to get the full picture. “Exactly,” she said. “You know that kids—”
“Oh, like you know!” Rarity blurted out. “I’m not getting lectured by you of all ponies, Mayor Mare! Not on this!”
There was a moment of silence, as everypony flinched and stared. Even Rarity herself flinched, surprised by her own words.
“My, my, Rarity.” Diamond Tiara said, shaking her head a little bit. “We all know Mayor Mare doesn’t know about families, but that was uncalled for!”
Mayor Mare scoffed at Diamond Tiara, frowning just the tiniest bit. “Oh, please, don’t be so transpar—”
“You are never getting married, are you, Mayor Mare?” Diamond Tiara asked, softly. “That’s not going to happen to you.”
A pause. Diamond Tiara nibbled her cake.
“And you think it’s because you don’t want to, but lately you can’t help but wonder if the real reason is because nopony would be interested. Marriage? You barely manage to have friends!” Diamond Tiara made a broad gesture towards the entire table. “This is the pinnacle of your social life: a washed-up teacher and a kidnapper who lives under a bridge. Others manage to get more from life than you, so you’re probably lacking something, doing something wrong.
“But you’re old, and you’re scared, and there’s a point where you can’t see yourself as anything but your job. So every day you got back to your place and drink a little wine in your cold, lonely house, and try to hold back the tears with a book and tell yourself you’re living the life. Even though you know perfectly well that you’re not. You’re just being a pathetic, desperate old lady, who can’t make a connection and at this point would accept anything, because you never had any family to begin with.” Diamond Tiara flared her teeth. “And guess what—that is not going to change. You’ll die alone. And you know that.”
Absolute silence.
Mayor Mare whimpered.
Then she got up and ran out of Sugarcube Corner without saying a word.
“Yeah,” Diamond Tiara said, stealing Mayor Mare’s tea and taking a sip from it. “Read it and weep, you lameflank.”
Everypony in the bakery stared at Diamond Tiara with wide eyes. Even Mrs. Cake popped her head from the counter to give the kid a good look.
“I…” Rarity looked at her own hooves. “I didn’t say anything?”
“Oh, like you know!” Diamond Tiara said, in a perfect imitation of Rarity’s voice. “I’m not getting lectured by you of all ponies, Mayor Mare! Not on this!” She nibbled the cake once more and then pushed the plate aside. “She laughed at me,” she explained.
“Oh my goodness.”
“Celestia.”
“Thunderlane, be careful with that crate! It goes on this side of the street; that way you’re going to the hospital.”
“Gee, thanks, Princess!”
“You’re welcome. Really good job, everypony, keep it up! Oh, Dash, are you done with the western fields?”
“Yeah, the Thunder Tribes agree to be part of the Constitution.”
“Oh, that’s great!”
“TWILIGHT! STOP BUILDIN’ A SOCIETY IN MY TREES!”
“Chief Cold Front demands total authority around the Granny Smith Trees, though. Can we do that?”
“Oh, no! Fluttershy already promised that to the Cumulonimbi!”
“AH’M TELLIN’ CELESTIA!”
“Right. That reminds me—did we get word back from Canterlot?”
“Yeah, we’re recognized as an independent nation. They’ll send ambassadors later so we can sign a treaty or something. Also, remember you have a meeting with Filthy Rich, Penny Saved, and Bubble Burst. The whole suburbs business.”
“Wow, Rainbow. You’re really good as a secretary!”
“It’s easy to work when you’re this comfortable. Seriously, it’s unreal.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“Hi, Applejack! What are you doing?”
“SCREAMING AT THE HEAVENS!”
“Oooh.” Pinkie Pie bounced right next to her and looked up too. “Sounds like fun!”
Applejack’s nostrils flared. “It ain’t,” she said before turning towards her friend. “Howdy, Pinkie.”
“Hi again!”
“What brings you here?”
“Oh, I just heard what was going on from Big Mac and I thought I’d give it a look!” Pinkie patted the tree’s trunk and nodded. “Good stuff, good stuff.”
Applejack frowned. “You heard from him?”
“Yeah, some kid kept throwing away slices of my best cake so I came to cry under your table. Anyway!” She pointed up. “What are you going to do with them?”
“Well, Ah was plannin’ on losin’ my temper a lil’ more and then acceptin’ my defeat,” Applejack said. “Family tradition.”
“Makes sense!”
“Oh, hello girls.”
“Hey, Fluttershy. How’s it going?”
“Fluttershy! Oh, I’m so glad you’re here—Dash managed to talk with the Thunder Tribes, but they also want the West Fields. You’re familiar with that part of the land; do you know any alternative we can offer them?”
“Um, I don’t know, Twilight. The West Fields are really nice. Although… I guess I could try to convince the Cumulonimbi to give them up. They would listen to me.”
“Oh my gosh! Fluttershy, you would do that for us? The Thunder Tribes would be of great help with the Constitution!”
“Well, I said I’d try. Maybe I could use something to sound more convincing, though… Like, I don’t know. A private field In the West, just for me and my animals, for example.”
“Wow. Fluttershy, that’s bold.”
“The Cumulonimbi really like those fields.”
“Well then, Fluttershy, we got a deal! Also, remind me to show you this club I’m in later…”
“They seem to be having a good time!” Pinkie said, poking Applejack on the side. “Maybe you should let them be?”
“Let them be?!” Applejack glared daggers at Pinkie, took the apple from her hat, and showed it to her. “Are you kiddin’ me?! Look at what they’ve done!”
Pinkie blinked, then looked at the apple. “Um,” she said. “It’s an apple.”
“It’s a bad apple!”
“Is it?”
Applejack’s eyes widened. She took a step back and pressed her hat against her chest, mouth agape. “You,” she said in a faint voice. “You’re no cousin o’ mine.”
“Geez.” Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. “If it’s so important to you, what if you just get a ladder and climb on the tree yourself? You can probably kick them out.”
Applejack blinked. “Why! Pinkie, that’s a great idea!” She tossed the apple at Pinkie before running away. “Hold this! Ah’m gonna get the ladder! HEY, BIG MAC! WE’RE GETTIN’ OUR TREES BACK!”
Pinkie Pie watched her go with a neutral expression, then looked back at the apple in her hooves. “I don’t know what got into her. This looks perfectly fine to me!” she said.
“Ça va?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—!”
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Clearly nothing bad will happen. The description says so.
Everything bad happened.
Before I read this:
The chapter says it's 6,205 words long.
The story itself says it's 10,409 words long. Wat.
(Note that, if the missing words are an unpublished chapter.... Well, I've never noticed that before!)
And suddenly, author's note. .... Which means it is something I've never noticed before. Hmm.
Anyway, I rather enjoyed this, and look forwards to the next chapter!
6498291
Huh.
Should be fixed now!
Wow, this great!
6498335
Huzzah!
Also I edited my comment after reading the author's note.
I love insane stuff like this and I love you for writing it!
Wow, she's strong.
I envy you. I could never disengage my mind from my fingers long enough to create something this magnificently bizarre. That may not sound like it, but I really do mean it as a compliment. I look forward to more.
Diamond Tiara's a horrible little troll who needs to die before she grows up. Sweetie Belle should be institutionalized…though I agree, Rarity probably should have asked for help.
I don't understand the last two lines of the story.
6498639
The apple went full bad.
It's speaking in Pfrench.
6498648 Ohhhh
crazy crazy crazy !
img06.deviantart.net/066e/i/2015/244/2/5/dojo_sparity_style_by_hillbe-d982azm.jpg
This literally had me going in the pattern of 'What-the-fuck' to 'breathless'.
In a godamn loop...
did
did fluttershy just offer to be bribed?
I have no idea what I just read...
...But I love it!
Wat.
But seriously, nicely done.
Ugh. And there's no random rag? Really? The entire basis of humor here is increasingly ridiculous points of absurdity. This is as random as it gets. While the characters might not be totally OOC per se, the world and setting is. A poor effort overall.
6498865 Didn't Mayor Mare say she didn't like her because she couldn't be bribed?
DT is freaking evil. So when do daddy's hitmen show up?
6499087
Neh, I never use that tag if I can avoid it. While I understand that for some people this story counts as random, it has an internal logic (surreal as it is). I always think that "random" evokes absolutely no foreshadowing for what is going to happen.
So if in the middle of the fic Rarity turns into a human for no reason and everybody continues as if nothing had happened, the random tag applies. Without it, though, it's just a really weird comedy, at least in my book.
This rustles my jimmies.
In a good way.
This whole story is absolutely ridiculous...
That is why I enjoy it.
6499118 that was the point of my comment
6499189 And now between the two of us no one can miss it!
This was too funny. I eagerly away chapter 2 of this.
I somehow feel that this is really deep in a way I don't yet understand. I'm really looking forward to the conclusion.
6499189
6499118
Damn, I didn't even notice.
This is one of the things I love most about Aragon's stories. These little details that seem nonsensical at first, but actually are referenced in another part of the story with hilarious effect. (if you aren't too dumb/ tired to notice)
Well then. I think there's going to be a new world order...in the Apple's trees.
And I'm not just talking Sweet Apple Acres either.
I'm just too confused to be invested in this...
This is fantastic.
The characters are recognisable, but with just enough twist in them to make hilarious. The flow and pacing is also excellent, and the dialogue is top notch.
10 outta 10.
And the little Applejack interludes are decent breathers, also a good idea.
Well, sh**. Why do I even bother checking my feed before going to bed? Oh gawds. I swear, seeing your avatar made me click on this story. That Rarity face made me want to check it out. That desciption was cute, and then you had to tag the story with Diamond Tiara to boot? Yeah, thanks. Not like I've been out all day busting my rear and then having to do month's worth of grocery shopping and THEN having to put all that stuff away AND THEN almost fall asleep in the tub... No, I totally needed some awesome writer dishing out a Rarity story, with Rainbow Dash, AND tossing in Diamond Tiara stopping me from going to bed. Nope. Totally don't need sleep, not me!
No... not me.
THANKS! *mumble*stupidawesomewriter*mumble*abusingmyweaknesses*mumble*
EDIT: FREAKING GLORIOUS!
Totally not being bias at all. No, totally not like I've been wishing for a story with Rarity and Diamond Tiara in some epic comedy or slice of life fic or pretty much anything. Freaking loving them. Just noticed Mayor Mare and Cheerilee in this. 5 out of 5 for best ponies? I died at Mayor Mare asking Cheerilee if DT goes to her school. Mayor Mare's response to Cheerilee's obvious "I run the *only* school in Ponyville." that was freaking cute.
Legal loophole. Loving this. xD
DT being slammed with DT's indestructible rump? Dang Cheerilee. You need a license to wield that thing. xD
Authenticity? Diamond Tiara is Donald Trump's worst nightmare. She's female and she's honest to a fault. xD
Can you make me add anymore crappy "xD"? Because damn I'm loving this masterpiece.
EDIT 2:
Oh snap... Mayor Mare... why you do that? Oh gawd...
No...
Saved by a brilliant change of topic.
You get to live another day, Mayor.
You know, the moment I read Twi flying up to RD, I already began to facepalm at Applejack. You are a gift to Fimfiction and god am I happy to have had the honor of adding this to the group. Words are like comedic silk, so soft. So ticklish. <333
EDIT 3:
I know exactly how you feel, DT. *sigh*
EDIT 4:
Comparing dumping a boyfriend to severe property damage... wow.
Yeah, Rarity. Why you so neglectful?
Whelp. Rarity's mum is now officially as bad as mine and she has all my sympathy. Every. Last. Drop. Of sympathy. Be right back, going to forklift a few more pallets full of sympathy her way.
EDIT 5:
And this is where I had to get up and get a small towel to wipe the orange juice off my monitor that escaped through my nose. Thanks!
EDIT 6:
I just can't I can't anymore. I just got yelled at by my neighbor for doing the below and clapping loudly while going "OH SH** NO SHE DIDN'T! OH! BURRRRRNNNN! SOMEONE GET HER SOME BURN HEAL GOT MARE JUST GOT ROASTED~!!
You're officially my favorite person right now. *sniff* Where have you been all my life? (totally not being creepy at all...)
And yeah, I won't be drinking anything else until I'm done reading. This fic is too dangerous to eat and/or drink something while reading.
EDIT 7: Re-read that whole passage from that triggered Tiara. Damn it, Mare. You were saved. You were being let off the hook, a Rarity, and you had to go and poke the pink filly just one last time didn't you?
Well, if it's any consolation. You are best milf, Mayor. Younger stallions be all over you. Get SCANDALOUS with the secretary or intern.
Holy shite. Seriously, that was a beautiful and powerful moment this fic. Sweet Luna's frozen teets, that was just a work of art. We need to paint those words in the Cathedral. Just have people stare up to the divinity of Diamond's words. Sinners would stop sinning. Disasters would stop disastering. She'd make Tirek willingly want to go back to Tartaurus crying for a cage in a deeper hole within the bowels of hell just to be free of the The Pink One.
Well, back to pegasi doing pegasi things. Love this story. I can't imagine what a chapter 2 could possibly be like.
EDIT 8:
DUN DUN DUNNNN~
Whelp. Things just got awesomer.
What.
What even.
Yes.
No.
Wait.
Upvote.
I think.
I don't think.
I am.
There is.
Confusion.
Yes.
Wait.
Um.
Uh.
Huh.
Okay.
Yep.
Indeed.
6499275 No one understands Aragon. No one!
Gotta love fics that feature the same autistic writing of the asdf series. There are just so many lols to be had.
6499158 Good. Because nothing I'm reading feels remotely random. Some people just read words, not all can see what they form.
Make another story just about the tree society and applejacks troubles.
6499756
I think this fits what you're trying to say.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/665/097/57b.jpg
6498639
I completely agree. They should have named DT Old Yeller. Maybe there's time for a name change before taking her out back.
Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams would be proud.
It's so rare to come across absurdist pony fiction, let alone a story done this well. This is one of the best.
Wat.
*Checks author*
Oh lawdy...
Well, let's get to it...
*slinks out of shadows*
i.imgur.com/XEjTCIi.gif
WHAT.
IS.
HAPPENING.
Also, I just can't get over your smug Pyrrha profile pic
One last thing:
. I think this is a Secret life of Rarity reference for some reason. It probably isn't.
I clicked on the story, read the description, then read the author. Still not sure which one convinced me to click that chapter title.
Classic Aragon. Waiting for that next chap.
Huh, I find myself strangely rooting for Rarity and AJ to team-up and go on a rampage. Possibly involving sacrificing Diamond Tiara to the god of fire so the tree-pegasus society can be burned to death.
...
...That's new.
You monster... You beautiful, beautiful monster...
Oh god, will someone please kill Diamond Tiara already.
Ok, not even I could follow that.
I can't tell if that makes this the worst fanfic I've ever read, or the best.
How high were you?