• Member Since 26th Sep, 2015
  • offline last seen Jun 2nd, 2023


I am a simple teenage gamer who is very weak and is quite shy. Until one day a demon had came into my aid in a certain event( i will explain that in one of my stories) and now became a hero to help.


No pony knows who or why they made a unique system, but it was going to be fun! It was a headwear that sends ponies into a virtual world. Many ponies brought the new game that came along with it, it is a rpg game and so every pony in Equestria got it. The cutie mark crusaders decide to get the game too, hoping they will get their cutie mark. However when they entered, something hacked into the game and calls itself,"THE VIRUS". It cause the nerve gear, the headgear system, to malfunction and traped in the game. The VIRUS gives the players a change to get out... Enter his sick tournament and have your team be the victor. Who will win the tournament? The VIRUS also mention if they died in the game, they died in real life.( this is inspired by the game sword art online)

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 24 )

I am sorry but... no. This story is, at this point, unreadable. There are so many grammatical errors it makes my eyes hurt. Let me give you some quick and easy advice: get an editor and study good writers. You'll notice that most good authors have at least one editor/proof reader. This story desperately needs one. There are groups for it. Also, never submit your first draft. If you can't find an editor, read through your story 3 times. Murder your story if you must but get common grammatical errors out of the way.

Comment posted by Kauetheadventurer246 deleted Oct 3rd, 2015

6486519 I know for a fact that I don't have the best grammar in the world, but where in the world am I going to find an editor?

There are a lot of editing groups on this website, all of which are willing to help.

6486571 There are multiple groups on this site for that very problem. All you have to do is go into the group tap and look up the word "editor". Any of the top three will allow you to request an editor. However, to make it easier here is a link:
Editor Group

6487208 oh, hello there command spam. Nice to meet you.

6487210 I'll be the proofreader guy, if need be.

6487211 that will be highly appreciated. Thank you for your help

I can help with editing as well, if you'd like, as well as helping with technical stuff (like story flow and such).

6487214 No prob. If you want me to proofread it, and you use google docs, send the draft to west7312@eduhsd.k12.ca.us and I'll proofread, edit, and rework it as needed.

Alright, I will try to fix up some issues in this story.

the new system called the nerve gear.

Nerve Gear should probably be spelt with capitals (like I did).

This is the original thing:

A pony, who refused to be mention, made the device to introduce the ponies to gaming

it should probably be:

A pony, who refused to be mentioned, made the device to introduce the ponies to gaming

Soon, ponies started buying the nerve gear and the new game.

Any other mention of the Nerve Gear should be capitalized, seeing as it's the name of something.

"I can't believe we got it!" Said a orange pegasus filly excitedly.

Nothing really wrong with this, but it should be on a different line from the text behind it.

Spoken a white unicorn filly.

It should say spoke not spoken.

" Remember, lets meet together as soon as possible so we can form a team." The orange filly told the other two. soon the three fillies spilt up and head towards their homes.

There is a weird space before "remember". Soon in the new sentence should be capitalized, and split is spelt wrong. Correct Spelling: Split. Your spelling: Spilt.

earth pony named apple bloom,

Apple bloom lives in an apple farm called sweet apple acres.

All the coloured letters should be capitals. (apple bloom, bloom, sweet apple acres)

Turns out their was a special surprise when every pony are in the game and the surprise starts at 12:00.

Should be worded like:

Turns out their was a special surprise when every pony was in the game and that surprise started at 12:00.

I'm not going to be counting any more name capital errors, as there are a lot, but I advise you check them.

"log in!"

Log should start with a capital.

"hello player"

"please state your name player."

"oh, well my names apple bloom"

All sentences should start with capitals, as well as names. That's pretty much a rule.

Still, looking through there are a lot of weird spaces between speaking marks and other stuff. You should probably fix that.

It says eight different things

Said, not says. (Or read, if it's text.)

soon a portal next to apple bloom

It should say "Soon a portal appeared next to Apple Bloom.

They had formed a group called the cutie mark crusaders.

Cutie Mark Crusaders should be capitals.

The. Scootaloo came up with a idea.

Why is there are random .? Also, it should say "Then, Scootaloo came up with an idea."

"why don't go to ponyville and and get some stuff."

It should end with ? not .
EDIT: Also, there should be a "we" in between don't and go.

The pony notice apple bloom

Noticed, not notice.

Do you want to but these?

Buy, not but.

gain the things she brought.

It should say gained and bought.

Apple bloom thanks


Sweetie belle shock her head

Shook, not shock.

scootaloo finish buying her equipment. Scootaloo is wearing a green cloak, dual bronze daggers on both sides and a bow on her back.

Scootaloo FINISHED buying her equipment. And, it should say "Scootaloo was wearing" not "is."

She than


not knowing the trouble they are in.

They WERE in.

Woah, that was a lot, but I'm glad to help. :pinkiehappy: Sorry for the long comment everyone!

6487226 I would like that as well. However there is one problem. I don't really know how to use google doc.

6487242 That's an easy thing to fix. Just click -> here <-

Yay! :yay: You're now using Google Doc.

6487239 ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? That had really improved my grammar. Thank you so much! Um, do you want to be a proof reader?

6487365 A friend of SSparkle speaking here, SSparkle has also made a few mistakes and missed a few things.

"I can't believe we got it!" Said a orange

*said (small letter)

"... so we can form a team." The orange filly...

Change to: "... so we can form a team," the orange filly...
(replace full stop in end of speech with comma, continue rest of sentence with small letter)

Turns out their was a special surprise...

*there (spelled incorrectly)

"please state your name player."

*name, player (add a comma)

"oh, well my names apple bloom"

*oh, well, my name's (add a comma after 'well'. Also add an apostrophe for possessive i.e name belongs to her)

That's all the mistakes I spotted in SSparkle's corrections. I haven't actually read the story yet, but I will later.
I recommend putting the story through a spell checker (looking for the wriggly red lines below phrases and words) to weed out some basic mistakes like missing spaces.

Almost every pony, mainly colts and fillies and a few adults, got the game and started to play it, I really mean almost because there are three little ponies that didn't get the game yet until today.

It seems jarring that you suddenly have an informal sentence in the middle of a formal-sounding (newspaper style) paragraph.


when the voice came out of no where.


heath point,magic points,


are in Order of each stat

*order (change to small letters)

"Then you are ready to enter the game"The voice told Apple Bloom, soon a portal appeared next to Apple Bloom and she walked into the portal. The last thing see heard was the voice saying something to her.

Change to:

"...enter the game?" the voice...

...Apple Bloom. Soon, a portal...

The last thing she heard...

avoid titles with full caps. it makes you sound like you are shouting and not serious..... unless that is your intention, of course

Sup. So this is a reversal of that one story where bronies ended up in an RPG version of Equestria, yes? Kinda reminds me of a story I was gonna write...

6488122 It seems it's based on Sword Art Online...


...Which obviously doesn't mean is bad in any sense!

I'm keeping a lurking eye on this! :pinkiecrazy:

6488122 in a way, yes. Also what exactly are you going to write? Just so I make sure I am not copying you.

6490661 Oh trust me, your not. This just reminded me of it because of the similar scenario, but I take this in a way different direction.

I'm Root for both Spike & CMC most of alright know that Apple Bloom and Spike would be as leaders of their own countries, Apple Bloom whom was born and raise on a farm would understand how the common ponies live and with a big family to help her run it, with the young dragon heck he was raise in the royal court and learn his lession after the 'Princess Spike' episode.

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