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The Wanderer

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Comments ( 4 )

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Uxion

Uxion #1 · Oct 4th, 2015 · · · Chapter 2: The meeting ·

Right off the bat, I can see that you are telling us, not showing us the story.

It felt like I was reading a transcript for a play, rather than the visceral action of lasers and bullets fired everywhere.

CreativeBrony1

CreativeBrony1 #2 · Oct 4th, 2015 · · · Chapter 2: The meeting ·

6490381 So I need more detail? More descriptions for what the characters are doing/saying/thinking, right?
Also thank you for your comment and input.

FaUn-Huh

FaUn-Huh #3 · Dec 1st, 2015 · · · Chapter 2: The meeting ·

Slow down a bit. The idea is good but you are kinda pushing it rather than letting it flow on its own accord. Also, you must remember that the Wanderer has seen some serious shit and probably wouldn't come to except the talking horses that are friendly so quick.

CreativeBrony1

CreativeBrony1 #4 · Dec 1st, 2015 · 1 · · Chapter 2: The meeting ·

6686578 Thanks you the advice. I did realize awhile after posting these that I was pushing it and needed to slow down. The reason I did that was because I wrote the story (almost to completion) a while ago, then didn't like it so I restarted. I'm currently reworking the first few chapters and I'm gonna try and make myself slow down. As for the Wanderer not trusting the friendly pastel talking horses, I've got something in mind for that.