• Member Since 6th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Babroniedad


If an ass goes traveling, he'll not come home a PONY - Thomas Fuller

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Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, life has a way of turning out as it should instead of as we wanted. Painfully and to her surprise, Sunset Shimmer found that out, and she has never been happier! The story occurs at the very end of the first Equestria Girls movie, just as Sunset Shimmer is transformed by her very first taste of the Rainbow of Friendship.


Story for MLPFan234's Sunset Shimmer Story Contest

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 8 )

“Time to eat everypony!

Protip: commas save lives.

“Time to eat, everypony!

This is why a comma should always precede a pronoun in dialogue if someone is being directly addressed.

As to the story itself, it was easy to skim, and very predictable. I see what you're trying to do here, but I don't think you should do it in flashbacks. It's too easy to follow the events forward.

6483611 Thanks for the comments! :twilightsmile:

Yes, for all it's faults, it is not a story about cannibalistic ponies - protip noted, will make the change. :pinkiehappy:

I'm not sure if the flashbacks were the biggest issue, or breaking the show it don't tell it rule. I was trying to keep it short, and it seemed the more I showed, the longer it was getting. Very good points - will take them into consideration on all my future efforts. Thanks! :raritywink:

Not bad for a first attempt. it was a little odd with the flashbacks, but not so out of place that I couldn't follow it. You've set up a rather nice backstory here, and I rather like it.

8471618
Thanks! I've been working on a rewrite of it, and a few other stories, but never seem to find the time to finish them. Ah well. Thanks so much for the comments and kind thoughts. :twilightsmile:

Sunset looked at her doll, then clutched her tightly and started to cry. “Princess, do you know where my mommy is?” she asked her favorite toy. “She always comes home at night to make me and daddy dinner. We talk about my day, and all my friends, and daddy gives me kisses and tucks me in.” Her tears ran down her nose, and onto the doll. “I want my mommy and daddy princess. Please can they come home now? Please?”

oh no
;-;
now i am crying
she doesn't realize
she just doesn't

Edit: well, she didn't realize. i forgot it was a flashback-type thing there

I have to say overall I enjoyed it. A few mechanical errors, but nothing that destroyed the story. A very good 1st time one off.

I’ve had this bookmarked for so long, and I feel kind of bad for neglecting it. While most of Sunset’s story has been told through the movies and the comics, I think you did great job on filling in the gaps and making this both heartwarming and heartwrenching at the same time. I rather like the flashbacks, though it was quite hard to discern what’s a flashback and what’s just Sunset thinking back while in the haze, especially in the latter half of the story—it was still easy to follow the story though.

Also, I’m aware that this story is old, but in case you ever come back to it or write another story (and I see you picked up the pen again not so long ago), keep a close eye not only on commas in direct address, but also on some unnecessary repetition of words, odd and inconstent capitalisation of certain words, and also watch out for the occasional mixed up homophones (e.g. principle x principal) :twilightsmile:

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