• Member Since 15th Mar, 2013
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Bahamut Omega


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How serendipitous that this comes out now, Just after learning that the old one would maybe be reworked and after finishing Hellsing Ultimate Abridged after all these years. Great work, Can't wait to see more!

"Uh..." Fluttershy muttered before Alucard came through the wall behind her silently, a huge grin on his face.

"Time for the real orientation, Flower Girl!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" There was a thud following that scream.

"Flower Girl? Flower Girl? Oh crap I think I broke her."

Well, that started off with a bang. Great work so far.

I would like to preface this with my reaction to seeing this in my feed.

"Got some rare costume props, stranger," the Merchant replied, his arm panning over the table before him. A table covered in myriad props and costume pieces.

What's with so many Displaced fics and using the Merchant? I'm unfamiliar with Resident Evil, so am I just missing something?

Before Robert could even ask what he meant, he vanished. Into thin air. His disappearance not even noticed by anyone as the Merchant chuckled.

OK, so that was on purpose. Or he finds people vanishing into thin air amusing.

"Your castle is plundered, your dominion in ruins, your servants destroyed," said the bearded man. "You are judged, and found wanting, Vampire King. Your evil will never threaten the world again." He knelt down and raised his fist above his head.

Not gonna lie, that's a good line.

"I am Starswirl. Starswirl the Bearded," he answered before his fist came down, driving the stake further into Dracula's heart. And then, there was darkness for the vampire.

Naturally.

Mayor Marianne was not having a good night. The town of Tradewell, despite its proximity to the capital of Avalon, had suffered a recent string of disappearances and grizzly murders that had everyone scared. When the local police had been unable to resolve things, she sent a letter to the high queen Celestia asking for help.

Humanized Equestria, noted.

"Knight and Dame of the Realm, yes," Twilight replied as a cigar appeared in her hand in a small flash of mana,

Flash with one L. Also, I see that Twilight is the Integra of this.

"Based on the intel from what you reported, it's a small group of vampires following a stronger one, and supplemented by a small army of ghouls," Twilight explained. "Ghouls are akin to zombies in how they operate. Mindless foot soldiers that raise those they kill as more ghouls. The difference is that where zombies are the product of necromancy, ghouls come from deflowered people being fed on by a vampire."

So this is a mix of MLP's premiere, except Twilight likely has a very different backstory, and Hellsing Ultimate's. Alright, let's see where this goes.

s the sword clicked into its sheath, the foremost ghoul fell dead and did not rise again.

Iaijutsu, fun.

With a flick of his wrist, he sent his sheath flying and impaling several ghouls on its way, pinning one to a building. With another wrist flick, his sword went flying through the air, twirling by its hilt as it flew in a circle, decapitating ghouls as it went. Snatching it back out of the air as it returned to him, Facet sheathed it and reclaimed it from the impaled ghoul.

How very Alucard. And I mean the Castlevania one.

"My husband knows I'm in no danger from a pathetic power mad neophyte like yourself," Twilight replied evenly. "That's what's funny." She raised her hand, a magic circle appearing over it. "Careful Magic, Brilliant Radiance!"

Oh, so she has some D&D Metamagic.

"My boss and her husband," Alucard replied, grinning at the two elves.

So Twilight's married in this. Alright, heavy on the AU.

Out of nowhere, the ghouls produced a massive number of firearms and opened fire.

And, this is an Equestria with firearms. It's always weird seeing firearms in a high fantasy setting.

"Yes!" the girl finally screamed. Then her entire world was pain as she felt something punch through her breast and out her back.

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! Then again, the heart is roughly centered, just slightly leftish, so, it's possible he didn't her ENTIRE heart, but with a hole the size his gun made, she'd need one hell of a healing spell then and there to survive. Or maybe she has that condition where the position of your organs is reversed.

Twilight took another puff and sighed. Weaving some magic, she conjured a sealed letter as an owl flew down to her. "Owlowicous. Deliver this to the mayor and return home afterward." Her familiar hooted and took the letter in his talon before flying off into the night.

Oh wow, I haven't seen that owl in ages.

He nodded and drew his sword, slicing through the air twice. Once vertically, and once horizontally. The slices left tears in the air itself, which opened into a portal.

Oh cool, he can pull a Raven Branwen.

"This is our headquarters," Twilight replied. "We are called the Night Shift organization. Our mandate is to root out and destroy all threats foreign, domestic, and supernatural to Concordia and the Crown. A mission that we've been doing behind the scenes for centuries."

Crown, singular. So Nightmare Moon isn't back yet.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I need to make a call," Twilight said as she stood. "My husband Facet will see to your orientation. Follow him." She then glared at Alucard. "And you stay out of trouble.

You forget a end quotation mark.

"Her cults have been more active lately," Twilight said. "And that increased activity coincides with the recent increase in vampire attacks. As though they're being churned off a factory line." She took a sip. "Someone is creating these vampires. And they're displaying remarkable skill."

Nightmare Moon cults if I were to guess. Eternal night would greatly benefit vampires, even ones strong enough to only be weakened by sunlight, not immolated then and there.

"The new dress suits you," Twilight said. "It will also protect you from the sun until you're powerful enough to be immune to sunlight."

Oh, how useful.

"I'm a vet!" Fluttershy protested. "I work with animals every single day! I can't hurt them for anything! Even hunger!"

Sounds about right.

"A death row inmate? We feed them to Alucard all the time."

An Equestria with a death penalty. And from the sound of it, there's enough prisoners on death row there that they can provide a relatively consistent meal for Alucard. So, a much darker Equestria than in the show.

"Flower Girl? Flower Girl? Oh crap I think I broke her."

Looks like it.

(If I had to offer one criticism thus far, it's that Twilight doesn't 'sound' like Twilight, so much as she does purely Integra. Granted, this is purely chapter 1. I suppose we'll have to see how things play out from here. Also, why Flower Girl?)

10579267
The merchant thing is just kind of a starting trope in the community. Much like Anon (as an actual name or nickname).

It just allows a new writer to say "and this is how this character ends up with this gear in Equestria" and the reader will just mod their head and move on.

10579408

Fair enough. Thank you for the explanation.

very integra on the twilight. so i'm wondering how much from the original night watch is cannon like are we gonna see duet and vinyl or string theory maybe maud?

I'm really hoping this story makes some serious departures from the established Hellsing storyline. Right now it just feels like a ponified Hellsing remake. If other people are enjoying this story, that's great, but I'm not very interested in just reading, "Hellsing, but it's ponies."

It may have been my own fault, but I also felt that the first half of this story was really hard to follow. I could hardly keep up with what exactly was going on, often doubling back in the story just to make sure I knew what was going on.

I also abhor the way the flashbacks have been done up here. Firstly, I'm not a fan of the use of 'flashback' and 'end flashback,' it just throws me out of the story and cancels my immersion on the spot. You shouldn't need to write that a flashback is happening, it should transition in such a way that the reader should realize it's a flashback without even noticing they've made that sort of immersion-breaking analysis.

If you were to ask me how to write a transition to a flashback, I wouldn't have the perfect answer, but I would probably relay to you what my friend once advised me.


"If you ever wonder how to do a flashback, I would say just DON'T! Find some other way to relay that information, flashbacks are for movies," my friend chuckled, "but if you must, I would say you should make sure the last thought or spoken words before the flashback indicate that we're delving into the recesses of memory, then have some sort of line break to indicate this chunk of text is separate from the previous story's spot in time/place."

My friend rubbed his chin, looked to the sky, and continued, "You could also just have two chapters meet up at the same end point to relay two different points of view without the reader realizing until that last moment they read a flashback—or rather—a different POV, relaying the desired information."

"I'll make sure to remember that," I replied.


Did you notice my flashback? It wasn't something a friend actually said to me, but it made a pretty good example. That's not necessarily the best way to do it, it's just how I feel it flows and reads best.

I also found the descriptions of the women's bodies a bit off-putting, and not in some sort of, "Ew, sexism!" way, but the descriptions of their bodies just screamed EROTIC FIC: SEX SCENE APPROACHING QUICKLY, and not just some description of these busty beauties. And this isn't advice that is objective, but I find that describing details without some relaying as to why it's relevant to care about such descriptions is quite frankly a waste of time.

I know it sucks not being able to describe in perfect detail the image of these characters you have, but I think unless the character we're following at the moment is him or herself eyeing up the details carefully and at an appropriate venue, it just throws me out; to clarify, by appropriate venue, I don't mean an appropriate physical location, I mean a mental one. For example, Twilight eyes up Celestia and talks about her buttocks, bust, and how many babies she might have popped out; however, if she really is her student, it doesn't really make sense for her to be contemplating such things in that moment about a person she's known for what is likely a long time.

If you really just had to make sure everyone knows how busty she is, you could either have a character meet her for the first time and eye her up, or have some reason a character is drawn to that aspect, even if it's just that character lusting after said aspect. For example, if you really wanted to describe someone's bust or butt from the point of view from someone who's known her for ages, you could have some character describe that being so showy with her bust/butt was against religious teachings so it's worth pointing out from that character's view, or if the character is just a horny teenager, you could literally just describe him/her stripping down the other character in their mind's eye: fantasizing.

To conclude my point of character descriptions, I think that unless you're on the brink of having sex with the other character, for which describing their body in tantalizing detail is important, you should keep the descriptions simple—yet concise—and let our minds fill in the gaps. Just describing Celestia as a 'busty, curvaceous woman' would have been more than enough to describe her body in that scene.

In my ultimate conclusion, however, I do think you show admirable writing skills and when these things I described beforehand weren't happening, I really did enjoy my time and thought you wrote fairly eloquently. I honestly felt like I could see everything happening as I read it, as long as I wasn't wondering what the hell was happening or being pulled out of my immersion. Most importantly, however, I will probably stop reading if this is just 'Ponified Hellsing,' so if that's the case, that'd be good to know. Also, some of the jokes or "funny scenario's" really fell flat.

TL;DR
I could hardly follow the first half, the way the flashbacks were transitioned into was immersion breaking, the descriptions of the women seemed out of place, and I'm not looking forward to a, "Hellsing, but it's ponies," remake.

Comment posted by Anime Fan Girl and Gohan deleted Dec 14th, 2020

10579821
That was a very lengthy critique that didn't pull punches. I appreciate that. There will be deviations. I'm just establishing the world right now. Flashbacks are a tricky thing to do at the best of times, I fully acknowledge. As for the loving descriptions of ladies' bodies... That's a trope called Author Appeal. I'm a lecher, plain and simple. I own and embrace that about myself. Though if an in universe justification is requested, then I would say that Twilight is simply acknowledging her teacher's beauty. She's not blind after all. And even canon Twilight puts Tia on a rather large pedestal.

10580494
I'm glad you didn't take offense to my criticism, I'm not one to hold back. I'm equally happy that you won't just take my word as gospel and still do whatever makes you happy; after all, everyone has their own style, and my points are ultimately pretty subjective.

If describing these busty beauties that detailed on introduction is what you feel is right, or is fun for you, who am I to tell you that's wrong? I'm a bit of a lecher, too, so I feel you there, but I still recognize when it's out of place, but I'm not gonna tell you you're wrong. As long as you're having fun, why should it matter, right?

I'll stick to my criticisms hard on the point of the flashbacks, though.

Either way, I'm gonna keep an eye on this story. Cheers, mate!

I am gonna start with the fact i am not a fan of this “Remake” it just doesn’t have the flow and unique interactions and reactions that the original had.

Twilight is just a Integra copy, there is no real flavor to her or any of what she is in FiM, there’s no Nerdy aspect that is one of twilights main attributes. All I see is Integra with Twilights name, all business and what not. She has nothing that makes her in nay way a good character as she was in the Original.

Alucard has lacks what made him good in the Original Fic, the First chapter of the original fic made him stand out from the start, made him likable and the future chapters just expanded on him into this Sarcastic, impulsive, fanatically dedicated person to twilight. This Alucard (Just like this Twilight) Screams CLONE! And COOKIE CUTTER!

The whole developing Relationship between Twilight and Alucard (which was Unique) has been just Trashed for this out of nowhere OC that makes no sense. Their developing Relationship, plans and interactions was the highlight of the Original story and made the story worth reading.

Don’t even get me started on Fluttershy as Saras, that just doesn’t work on so many levels. She will never have the Sadisticness that the original Saras had as it’s not in her nature.

Not just all of that, but you have changed the Entire setting, town names and world to the point that it’s only thinly recognizable as Equestria.

Hell what is with Elves? That has nothing to do with EITHER franchises as far as I know!

All in all, this has Deviated so far from the Promising story it was as to not even be worth the time to read, much less keep track of.

10581823
I apologize that it's not to your liking, but there's a reason for everything.

If Twilight seems like an Integra copy, that's just how she is when she's on the clock. Off the clock she'll be more relaxed. The cigars are largely a result of Alucard being very stress inducing.

As for Fluttershy as the fledgling. I had considered Pinkie Pie, but Fluttershy already has a famous vampire form that was liked well enough. As for savagery not being in her nature, that's true in the show. But vampirism can change a person. Even a sweetheart like Fluttershy.

And as for the more humanized setting, well, that takes inspiration from another humanized Equestria that I found quite interesting. Elves are the unicorns, angels the pegasi, and humans the earth ponies, with the alicorns as Goddesses.

On the whole I'm aiming for a slow burn. Setting up the world and characters and overall trying to avoid going so completely off the rails like the original. Also want to be not as reliant on sex scenes while still maintaining my loving descriptions of the ladies because I just like that sort of thing.

Also important to note that the original version was a collab, and I'm doing this reboot solo. As such, I lack somebody to bounce ideas off of, which is where I do my best work. So when solo my writing suffers a tiny bit. If you give it a chance you might change your mind, but if you're turned off by what you've seen so far, that's fine too. I can't please everybody. And you at least still have the original version.

10580638
With flashbacks in a written format, I consider them a necessary evil because I'm a firm believer in "show, don't tell."

10581823
I never read the original, so I'm glad someone was able to offer criticisms on that front. I'm also happy someone else saw the same problems as me.

10581991
Again, to reiterate, I'm not against flashbacks in their entirety, I'm against the use of the terms 'flashback' and 'end flashback' to indicate them; I'd rather they be transitioned to in a natural way like in my example. If you don't want to, that's fine, it's just annoying to me.

10581989
I like it, this is your different take on the show for the story you're making. Great job by the way

10584348
Thanks. I'm applying my belief about reboots. When I see one, I think to myself, "Dear God, they'd better show some fucking originality instead of just rehashing the old stuff."

Yo whers the reboot or is this is the reboot.
If it is 1 make it more funny.
2 do not exile twilight.
3 more woo hoo .
4 more random chartirs show up from different animes .
5 but jojo reference in .
6 do not have cliff hangars

I was a huge fan of the original, this shows potential, bring more chapters soon please

I hope this continues soon

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