• Member Since 20th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Sunday

Phoebe Fireworks


Author, Illustrator, She/Her

E
Source

The Summer Sun Celebration is one of the most important occasions of the year, and even more so this year.

Nightmare Moon has been defeated, harmony has been restored, and the celebration in Ponyville will soon be in full swing.

But not everypony is so excited for it…

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 12 )

Sweet and poignant. If this is your first effort, you're miles ahead of the pack my friend. Well done.

Hey, nice job on the cover art! And the story was a very touching glimpse of the sisters, being family once more. Well done! :twilightsmile:

A few suggestions:

Celestia gave a gentle laugh as she walked over to her desk levitating a dusty old box with her magic.

Better as, "Celestia laughed gently as she walked over to her desk levitating a dusty old box with her magic." This reads more smoothly and eliminates the contradiction of 'giving' something as a noun that's more accurately stated as a verb.

“You’re right, it’s not,” Celestia chuckled, “it’s just that her name is Twilight Sparkle...

The commas should be periods: “You’re right, it’s not.” Celestia chuckled. “It’s just that her name is Twilight Sparkle..."
Since 'chuckled' is a verb, this said tag can stand alone as its own sentence, so the dialogue in the quotes should use complete sentence capitalization rules.

A reassuring grin found its’ way onto the white alicorn’s muzzle.

The apostrophe is not needed. Should just be, "A reassuring grin found its way onto the white alicorn’s muzzle."

“We know we do not have time for this discussion now,” Luna looked down, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

Said tag again. Should be a period instead of a comma at the end of the sentence of dialogue. "“We know we do not have time for this discussion now.” Luna looked down, a single tear rolling down her cheek."

Luna was taken aback. “Why? There was no-”

A hyphen (actually a minus sign on most keyboards) isn't really the right punctuation here. It should be an en or em dash, really. They're kind of a pain because they're not on standard keyboards, but they can be typed in a roundabout way in most Windows applications by holding down the Alt key and then hitting 0150 (for en dash, –) or 0151 (for em dash, —). Or just copy and paste one of those two, since I guess they're in this comment now.

“Your Highnesses?” Came a slightly muffled voice from outside.

Said tag. It should be, "“Your Highnesses?” came a slightly muffled voice from outside.", since the tag is a sentence fragment and not a complete sentence if the dialogue isn't present.

“You can stay here if you really want to, Luna,” the older alicorn said, “But I would really like you to come with me.

Another said tag. Should be either, "“You can stay here if you really want to, Luna,” the older alicorn said, “but I would really like you to come with me.", or "“You can stay here if you really want to, Luna,” the older alicorn said. “But I would really like you to come with me."

“We trust you, sister,” Luna grinned, “But so help us, if you pull one of your old pranks while we are there…”

And one more 'Luna grinned' can be a standalone sentence, so capitalization and periods rather than commas to that effect are needed: "“We trust you, sister.” Luna grinned. “But so help us, if you pull one of your old pranks while we are there…”"

“Oh, and one more thing.” Luna added.

“Oh, and one more thing,” Luna added.


Overall, a very good story! I enjoyed it and I think it's a very promising first effort. Thanks for sharing it! :twilightsmile:

6584035

Wow, thanks for that! Definitely helpful suggestions!

Do you think I should edit them into this story, or save them as reminders for other ones?

6584680 My personal style, as an author, would be to edit the story and correct them. Making mistakes and then going back and fixing them, thus learning by experience, is pretty much how I became better at grammar than I started out (which was terrible).

The more you practice writing, the more your future writing will resemble what you've practiced, so it pays to work on things like good grammar as much as possible as early as possible.

6584731

Alright, I'll be sure to do that then! Thank you kindly for the advice!

Great vignette, Orange; very nicely written. You did a great job catching the essence of both Celestia and Luna's characters. I look forward to reading more of your work. :twilightsmile:

Oh, as a side note, your comment about Celestia counting the days of Luna's exile reminded me of another wonderful vignette which I think fits in nicely with that sentiment: << https://www.fimfiction.net/story/48108/statistics >>. Its a bit old so maybe you haven't seen it. Its amazing how powerful a simple list of facts can be.

That was such a sweet little fic. Damn, I'm glad I read that. I look forward to more of your works.

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