How Foenum became Equus

This started as just a simple theory for how Them's Fightin Herds could be connected to MLP FIM. Now less than a day after I first thought of it, it is a short one shot.

Starswirl the Bearded decides to teach the Princesses about a very little known fact of Equestrian history.

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Princess of Edits

Princess of Edits #1 · Sep 28th, 2015 · 7 · ·

Greetings, author. I have noted thy discontent with thy story’s reception and so thought that, mayhaps, thou wouldst benefit from some amount of constructive criticism. As such, I have come to provide thee with said criticism in the form of a review.

However, before we move any further forward, allow me to leave a warning—a disclaimer of sorts. While my words might at times seem harsh or biting, keep in mind that the goal here is not to blemish thy fic or besmirch thy good name; rather, I seek to provide thee with some small kernels of wisdom so that thou may’st improve thyself at thy craft. ‘Tis for thine own good.

With that said, let us away, citizen, to the story’s long description.

This started as just a simple theory for how Them's Fightin Herds could be connected to MLP FIM. Now less than a day after I first thought of it, it is a short one shot.

Oh, dear. Author, the point of the long description is to snag the reader’s attention by presenting the fic’s premise. Here, thou explainest from whence this idea sprung. I doubt not that ‘tis an interesting enough little tidbit from thy perspective, but thy readers could not care less. This should be relegated to an author’s note if ‘tis not removed completely.

Starswirl the Bearded decides to teach the Princesses about a very little known fact of Equestrian history.

Here is the part thou shouldst focus on. ‘Tis short and to the point—far too much so, in fact—but it describeth the subject matter and, more importantly, it accomplisheth it in a fairly snappy manner. Prithee, stretch it out a bit more, mayhaps to divulge the meanest details concerning the lesson’s topic, and thou shalt find thyself with a far more worthy long description.

Onwards to the story proper, where thou leadest off with this:

Long ago in the early days of Equestria when Celestia and Luna were still just little fillies they were taught by the unicorn wizard Starswirl the Bearded. He taught them about many things including magic and science. This day however he would teach them history.

Ignoring the never-ending tempo of the first sentence, ‘tis not the worst opening ever, but neither is it the best. To be perfectly honest, it readeth a bit like a young-reader’s novel, likely due to the fact that there is no control over the sentences’ paces.

Long ago in the early days of Equestria when Celestia and Luna were still just little fillies they were taught by the unicorn wizard Starswirl the Bearded.

Read that out loud to thyself. Hear’st thou how it seemeth to rush? Now, read the following sentence out loud:

Long ago, in the early days of Equestria when Celestia and Luna were still just little fillies, they were taught by the unicorn wizard, Starswirl the Bearded.

The tempo floweth much more naturally and bringeth far less attention to itself. ‘Tis bad when thy reader becometh aware of the writing, because then she is not paying attention to the story’s content and is not immersing herself.

So we have the setup for the story—young Celestia and Luna were taught by Starswirl, who planneth to teach them a bit of history. Charming enough, I suppose. The actual scene openeth with Celestia and Luna raising the sun / setting the moon, which is not terribly novel, but again, charming enough. The problem I have with this opening is that thou leavest out portions of narrative for the sake of getting to the “good parts”.

When they were done he called them into his study for a quick lesson.

This is lazy. Write the actual dialogue, lest thou wish’st for the reader to remain detached. Further, this part:

Luna was a little more exhausted from the job than her sister

Do not tell me that she is exhausted—show me that she is exhausted. Her wings flag; her tongue lolleth from her mouth; she panteth; her knees wobble. All of those descriptions inform thee that she is exhausted, yet I do not come out and outright say so—thou derivest her exhaustion from the context. That is how thou immersest thy readers, not by spoon-feeding everything to us.

"Come now my little ponies." Starswirl called for their attention.

Thou requirest a comma for direct address, here:

“Come now, my little ponies.”

‘Tis the difference betwixt “let’s eat, Grandma” and “let’s eat Grandma”.

"We're not little!" Luna defended her size

Clearly she defendeth her size—’tis right there in the dialogue. Thou need’st not immediately tell us “Luna defended her size” after it.

"Go on Starswirl."

This is exactly what I mean about the meaning of a sentence changing when thou leavest out the comma for direct address. Right now, it seemeth as thou Celestia telleth Luna to relieve herself on poor Starswirl, rather than what thou mean’st, which is permission for Starswirl to proceed.

He then continued

How continueth he? Is he saying something? Is he simply projecting images? Do not tell us that he continueth, show us.

His magic showed pictures of each of the six races.

And any readers who wish to know what they actually look like be damned. Wherefore would I want to see the scene, after all?

“For a very long time there was peace across Foenum because the six civilizations had sealed the predators away in another realm, but after a long time the predators were coming back.”

This is one of the worst explanations I have ever seen a teacher give—Starswirl spinneth in his grave from having these words put into his mouth. Thou need’st provide more details concerning this; Starswirl is an intelligent character who would not be content to say “but the predators were coming back” and leave it at that. Wherefore are they coming back? How did they escape their prison? Where are they reappearing? Details, author. Details.

So what we basically are left with is a text-dump in dialogue form with almost no narrative provided. What are my opinions concerning this, thou ask’st?

"zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" they both snored as they lay against each other

Aye, that seemeth about right. The remainder of the fic is naught but fluff which, while not bad, is also not terribly memorable.

If thou seek’st to improve this work, and thy writing in general, then my suggestions are threefold:

1. Strive to show details rather than tell them. Do not tell me Luna is tired—describe details with which I can figure it out myself.

2. Flesh out thy narrative. “And then he showed them the pictures” is not good enough; thou need’st describe the pictures to the reader so that she can see them as well. ‘Tis not my responsibility to fabricate the details for thee, but rather ‘tis thine to provide them.

3. Vary the flow of thy sentences more with commas to achieve a more natural tempo. See mine example above for help with that.

I suppose that is all I have to offer thee in such a short span of time. Author, I wish thee the best of luck with thy future writing endeavors.

Cookie_Girl

Cookie_Girl #2 · Sep 29th, 2015 · · ·

6471963
Fear not, your highness. This humble scribe can indeed take a criticism. In truth, I normally take greater care with my words, and you indeed speak correctly about the faults of this tale. Should I continue with a sequel, I shall strive for far greater reaches of the imagination.

Admittedly, the only reason I found myself displeased with the results is that another story of similar quality not only got featured, but it also received over two hundred likes. I shall use this as a reminder to go for quality in the future, not just to get the story out as fast as I can.

Thank you, fair princess.

Cookie_Girl