A brief lesson in history.

Long ago in the early days of Equestria when Celestia and Luna were still just little fillies they were taught by the unicorn wizard Starswirl the Bearded. He taught them about many things including magic and science. This day however he would teach them history.

It was morning in the still young nation of Equestria, and the royal filly sisters were performing their duties. Celestia's horn glew with a golden light as she helped the sun rise up into the sky, and Luna's horn was also aglow with a blue aura as she put the moon away for the day. Watching them was Starswirl the Bearded watched patiently as he waited for them to finish. When they were done he called them into his study for a quick lesson. Luna was a little more exhausted from the job than her sister because the sages had been making her stay up at night to be sure that she grew accustomed to the task of staying up with the moon at night. He knew it was foolish to think that the moon would simply fall out of the sky without her watching it, but the council was stubborn.

"Come now my little ponies." Starswirl called for their attention.

"We're not little!" Luna defended her size, while she stood next to her sister.

"Shh." Celestia shushed her little sister, who stood only as tall as her shoulder and she herself stood not even as tall as the wizard's shoulder. "Go on Starswirl."

The little filly of the night elegantly stuck out her tongue at Celestia.

Starswirl cleared his throat and adjusted his pointed hat. "Yes well... Have you ever learned of the history of our world? From before the rule of Alicorns? From before it was called Equestria?"

The royal sisters both shook their heads. Seeing this Starswirl made a mental note to expand his lessons to them to include different subjects more often. He then continued, and his horn lit up with magic as he created simple images to go along with the lesson.

"Long ago, before magic was as widespread as it is now Equus was called Foenum. There were many different races of intelligent creatures, but of them only six had formed any kind of civilization. These six were the Alpacas, Sheep, Cattle, Reindeer, Longma, and the our ancestors the old Unicorns." His magic showed pictures of each of the six races.

"For a very long time there was peace across Foenum because the six civilizations had sealed the predators away in another realm, but after a long time the predators were coming back. So each of the six civilizations sent their bravest and most capable fighters to find the magic key that could keep the predators locked away." His magic showed pictures of the carnivorous beasts that had once preyed upon the Foenumians. "...but in their quest they fell victim to a great cataclysm that decimated the land. When the disaster was over the Longma, Alpaca, and Reindeer became extinct, and all but the Unicorns lost their place. Our ancestors saw that the world had been broken, and used their magic to change themselves and their environment so that they could make life easier for all."

"The Cattle and Sheep, as well as several other sentient races chose to give the Unicorns control in exchange for protection. For a while things were better and the Unicorns were able to develop a spell that would change them physically to allow for greater success at controlling the world. It was around this time that they separated into the three tribes, and the first Alicorns appeared. Also around this time ponies first received cutie marks. The details of exactly when each of these events occurred, and in what order is unclear." His magic showed pictures of the three pony tribes.

"And then came the war of chaos. The Draconequises invaded with their strange magic and warped the laws of physics to their content, but they were never content. Before, the Alicorns of the day and night, your mother and father, flew through the sky with the sun and moon being pulled behind them by their magic. But the amount of chaos magic that was left after the war changed the rules, and since then we Unicorn ponies have risen and set the sun and moon...with much more effort than it takes you even now." He cancelled the magic that he had been using.

"So now we ponies control most of the world while living in peace with other races, and we still give protection to the Cattle and Sheep in exchange for milk and wool. Perhaps the biggest change was in the simple beasts and animals, predators and prey both are much more tame than they were all those eons ago. Even the monsters like the hydra and chimera didn't appear until sometime between the cataclysm and the chaos war, and in fact they are found nowhere in the fossil record. ... So did you two learn anything?"

"zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" they both snored as they lay against each other, and Luna had taken some of Celestia's mane for a pillow.

Starswirl deadpanned as he saw the sisters had fallen asleep while he was teaching them. "Hmph." He snorted. Then he chuckled a little as he remembered that Alicorns or not they were still young, younger even than most would think because of how slowly they aged. "It is easy to forget how young, and yet how old at the same time, that you two are. I will have to make a proper schedule for teaching you rather than pulling you away from your duties at my choosing."

Starswirl shut the curtains on the window and left them to rest. As he was leaving Celestia cracked one eye open and whispered to her sister. "It worked. ...Lulu?" She nudged her sister, but the only response she got was more snoring since the smaller filly had actually fallen asleep. Celestia smiled and lay her head down next to her sister's

Author's Note:

I hope everyone enjoyed this. It was nothing more than a quick fic that started as a head canon idea. So thanks for reading, and don't forget to check out the group Them's Fightin Herds.

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Princess of Edits

Princess of Edits #1 · Sep 28th, 2015 · 7 · ·

Greetings, author. I have noted thy discontent with thy story’s reception and so thought that, mayhaps, thou wouldst benefit from some amount of constructive criticism. As such, I have come to provide thee with said criticism in the form of a review.

However, before we move any further forward, allow me to leave a warning—a disclaimer of sorts. While my words might at times seem harsh or biting, keep in mind that the goal here is not to blemish thy fic or besmirch thy good name; rather, I seek to provide thee with some small kernels of wisdom so that thou may’st improve thyself at thy craft. ‘Tis for thine own good.

With that said, let us away, citizen, to the story’s long description.

This started as just a simple theory for how Them's Fightin Herds could be connected to MLP FIM. Now less than a day after I first thought of it, it is a short one shot.

Oh, dear. Author, the point of the long description is to snag the reader’s attention by presenting the fic’s premise. Here, thou explainest from whence this idea sprung. I doubt not that ‘tis an interesting enough little tidbit from thy perspective, but thy readers could not care less. This should be relegated to an author’s note if ‘tis not removed completely.

Starswirl the Bearded decides to teach the Princesses about a very little known fact of Equestrian history.

Here is the part thou shouldst focus on. ‘Tis short and to the point—far too much so, in fact—but it describeth the subject matter and, more importantly, it accomplisheth it in a fairly snappy manner. Prithee, stretch it out a bit more, mayhaps to divulge the meanest details concerning the lesson’s topic, and thou shalt find thyself with a far more worthy long description.

Onwards to the story proper, where thou leadest off with this:

Long ago in the early days of Equestria when Celestia and Luna were still just little fillies they were taught by the unicorn wizard Starswirl the Bearded. He taught them about many things including magic and science. This day however he would teach them history.

Ignoring the never-ending tempo of the first sentence, ‘tis not the worst opening ever, but neither is it the best. To be perfectly honest, it readeth a bit like a young-reader’s novel, likely due to the fact that there is no control over the sentences’ paces.

Long ago in the early days of Equestria when Celestia and Luna were still just little fillies they were taught by the unicorn wizard Starswirl the Bearded.

Read that out loud to thyself. Hear’st thou how it seemeth to rush? Now, read the following sentence out loud:

Long ago, in the early days of Equestria when Celestia and Luna were still just little fillies, they were taught by the unicorn wizard, Starswirl the Bearded.

The tempo floweth much more naturally and bringeth far less attention to itself. ‘Tis bad when thy reader becometh aware of the writing, because then she is not paying attention to the story’s content and is not immersing herself.

So we have the setup for the story—young Celestia and Luna were taught by Starswirl, who planneth to teach them a bit of history. Charming enough, I suppose. The actual scene openeth with Celestia and Luna raising the sun / setting the moon, which is not terribly novel, but again, charming enough. The problem I have with this opening is that thou leavest out portions of narrative for the sake of getting to the “good parts”.

When they were done he called them into his study for a quick lesson.

This is lazy. Write the actual dialogue, lest thou wish’st for the reader to remain detached. Further, this part:

Luna was a little more exhausted from the job than her sister

Do not tell me that she is exhausted—show me that she is exhausted. Her wings flag; her tongue lolleth from her mouth; she panteth; her knees wobble. All of those descriptions inform thee that she is exhausted, yet I do not come out and outright say so—thou derivest her exhaustion from the context. That is how thou immersest thy readers, not by spoon-feeding everything to us.

"Come now my little ponies." Starswirl called for their attention.

Thou requirest a comma for direct address, here:

“Come now, my little ponies.”

‘Tis the difference betwixt “let’s eat, Grandma” and “let’s eat Grandma”.

"We're not little!" Luna defended her size

Clearly she defendeth her size—’tis right there in the dialogue. Thou need’st not immediately tell us “Luna defended her size” after it.

"Go on Starswirl."

This is exactly what I mean about the meaning of a sentence changing when thou leavest out the comma for direct address. Right now, it seemeth as thou Celestia telleth Luna to relieve herself on poor Starswirl, rather than what thou mean’st, which is permission for Starswirl to proceed.

He then continued

How continueth he? Is he saying something? Is he simply projecting images? Do not tell us that he continueth, show us.

His magic showed pictures of each of the six races.

And any readers who wish to know what they actually look like be damned. Wherefore would I want to see the scene, after all?

“For a very long time there was peace across Foenum because the six civilizations had sealed the predators away in another realm, but after a long time the predators were coming back.”

This is one of the worst explanations I have ever seen a teacher give—Starswirl spinneth in his grave from having these words put into his mouth. Thou need’st provide more details concerning this; Starswirl is an intelligent character who would not be content to say “but the predators were coming back” and leave it at that. Wherefore are they coming back? How did they escape their prison? Where are they reappearing? Details, author. Details.

So what we basically are left with is a text-dump in dialogue form with almost no narrative provided. What are my opinions concerning this, thou ask’st?

"zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" they both snored as they lay against each other

Aye, that seemeth about right. The remainder of the fic is naught but fluff which, while not bad, is also not terribly memorable.

If thou seek’st to improve this work, and thy writing in general, then my suggestions are threefold:

1. Strive to show details rather than tell them. Do not tell me Luna is tired—describe details with which I can figure it out myself.

2. Flesh out thy narrative. “And then he showed them the pictures” is not good enough; thou need’st describe the pictures to the reader so that she can see them as well. ‘Tis not my responsibility to fabricate the details for thee, but rather ‘tis thine to provide them.

3. Vary the flow of thy sentences more with commas to achieve a more natural tempo. See mine example above for help with that.

I suppose that is all I have to offer thee in such a short span of time. Author, I wish thee the best of luck with thy future writing endeavors.

Cookie_Girl

Cookie_Girl #2 · Sep 29th, 2015 · · ·

6471963
Fear not, your highness. This humble scribe can indeed take a criticism. In truth, I normally take greater care with my words, and you indeed speak correctly about the faults of this tale. Should I continue with a sequel, I shall strive for far greater reaches of the imagination.

Admittedly, the only reason I found myself displeased with the results is that another story of similar quality not only got featured, but it also received over two hundred likes. I shall use this as a reminder to go for quality in the future, not just to get the story out as fast as I can.

Thank you, fair princess.

Cookie_Girl