• Member Since 29th May, 2014
  • offline last seen May 24th

KalenNighteyes


Father, gamer, Brony; enough said!

Sequels1

E
Source

Seeking escape from a painful situation, Princess Twilight decides to take a break from Equestria to visit her friend, Sunset Shimmer, in the human world.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 64 )

That was really cute and well done.

I am a Sunlight shipper, and I do say that this was a very neat fic you have here. It is very well done. Awesome!

That was such a sweet story. I'm glad with how it ended.

D'AAAAWWWWWWWWW FLUFFY-FLUFFY-FLUFF-FLUFF-FLUFF:heart:

Okay, before I get into specific comments and criticisms, I have one major problem with this story:

It feels like it should be the middle or perhaps even late-middle part of a much larger story which develops the relationships between the characters and sets the stage for this. You're kind of pulling shipping out of a vacuum here and not selling it all that well, and that's lazy. "Informed Twidash", "Informed Appledash", it doesn't work. There's no real impact if the shipping that sets up the conflict and drives the plot comes out of nowhere.

โ€œWell, I took the liberty of ordering pizza,โ€

So how's the delivery driver gonna bring it to the loft if the stairs in the building are broken? Details are important to pay attention to.

I couldn't help but smile. It must have been the way she told me about the ice cream, as if she were trying to seduce me into eating ice cream with her. I knew, though, that she was just trying to make me smile. I guess it worked. โ€œI look forward to that ice cream. I love chocolate.โ€

Nitpick: Twilight's favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla, as stated in "Party Pooped".

We had spent the evening talking about different kinds of ice cream and wondering why nothing like pizza had ever been thought of in Equestria.

vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/a/a7/Manehattan_delegate_demands_a_ruling_S5E10.png/revision/latest?cb=20150622162905

Really.

(Attention to detail is important!)

She nodded. โ€œYep! You just put your fingers like this,โ€ she said, placing my index finger on the second string in the first fret, my middle finger on the fourth string in the second fret, and my ring finger on the fifth string in the third fret.

Nitpick: How is Twilight supposed to know the names of the different fingers? She's only had hands three times in her entire life at this point, and never for longer than three days. Attention to detail is IMPORTANT!

Final thoughts:

This story would have a lot more impact if it was part of a larger story that developed the relationships (and failure to relationship) more organically and naturally. If there was some buildup to the events of this story, it would mean more.

As it stands, this story falls flat as a standalone piece. It's severely lacking. If you want to get the most out of this story, you'll write the rest of it, all the things that lead UP to it.

Also: "Iris"? Really? Sunset isn't that emo.

I usually avoid any story that uses First Person. I still read this story though because of my love and thirst for SunLight.

It was an okay story. I do wish it was longer. It would have been nice if you actually focused a little more on their writing to each other as Twilight started to realize her feelings were for Sunset instead of just causally mentioning it in a sentence or two. It would have made the story feel more like an actual heart felt romance. As it is, the story kind of feels like Twilight takes advantage of Sunset's feelings a little just to get over her own heart break faster.

It was still a nice and fluffy story to read nonetheless and had SunLight. I'm also very glad you didn't do like so many fics out there do and write out the song lyrics just to make the story longer, or "add in more emotion". I hate it when fics do that. I like how you instead described it along with her emotions as Twilight listened and then had Sunset tell her what the song was afterwards when they were talking about it. This approach to me felt more like an organic way to include a song in the story. It also didn't cause me to shake my head, sigh, and roll my eyes at it.

I agree with the other comments lamenting that this story wasn't bigger. With that setup of Twi's broken heart and a few days of visiting Sunset you could've taken way more time to develop their relationship, and I think for much more effect. Twilight missing Rainbow, slowly realizing how happy being around Sunset makes her, missing Rainbow a bit less, hurting again after running into human Rainbow and or Applejack, realizing what Sunset actually feels for her... augh, see, now you gave me ideas! :twilightangry2: :raritywink:

I still enjoyed reading it :twilightsmile:

So, this story started out promising, but you really, REALLY rushed it at the end, pretty much killing the story in the last dozen paragraphs.

In addition to that, I'm pretty sure emotions don't work that way. Twilight went from a complete wreck over What happened to she and Rainbow, to suddenly believing she never loved her to begin with, just because they had a few big differences. I'm sorry, but that's just not a Switch you can flip. At the least she should have aknowledged that she DID have feelings for Rainbow, but maybe she had feelings for Sunset as well, and had been subconsciously suppressing them for her desire to be with Rainbow.

Instead it's just "Oh, I never loved rainbow all along. I'm all better now."

6464073 Yeah... writing first person is a skill that is a bit tricky to hone. It's also not meant to use in every story, or every part within a story. It's best used for showing the perspective of a character, so the audience only knows what they know about something, as a means to build suspense or highlight drama. Third person is best for the same, but lets the audience know things character's don't allowing for things like "No don't go in there! There's a bomb on the door!"

I've been thinking of making a youtube series on writing and how to do it better. I do have a degree and minored in it after all...

6463964

So how's the delivery driver gonna bring it to the loft if the stairs in the building are broken? Details are important to pay attention to.

Oh that's no problem. The City of Equestria has the Pizza Delivery man that it needs, but not the one it deserves.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFFW2Qn9U08

Why can't people just take a story as it is? This was a cute, fluffy thing. Sure, the last few paragraphs of the story felt a bit rushed, but I don't think it ruins the whole story or anything.

While Twilight may have had some sort of realization about liking Sunset, it doesn't mean Twilight may still harbor some sort of feelings toward Rainbow Dash. I would think that Twilight is still in more of a confused state. Yes, the ending made it seem like Twilight was just suddenly over Rainbow, but come on...It's not uncommon for someone to THINK they are over someone when in reality they aren't. I kind of feel bad for Sunset if that's the case with Twilight...

6464697

Since the story is first person from Twilight's view, couldn't Sunset have told the delivery driver where to go once he/she arrived?

6464720

Why can't people just take a story as it is?

Because people have opinions, and free will, and the free will to not have the same opinion about a thing as everybody else.

6464720 That, and it's in our best interests as artists to help each other develop our talents. The goal of any artist should be to improve our craft and be better tomorrow than we were yesterday, and that's not something that any of us can do alone.

6464727 Obviously. We dont know everything Sunset dose. She could have stepped outside for a brief smoke and killed 12 people with a bow and arrows and we would never know....

This ship will always be top tier. Haven't read it yet, but will when I'm not so damn tired. Looking forwards to it.

314

A nice little Sunlight fic, even if I'm not too big a fan of humans :P Enjoyed the read!

Also slightly amusing to see several Jurists on here as well.

It didn't work for me. While the sunset twilight interaction was great, twilight just discounting what she felt for rd as mis aimmed feelings for sunset? What. If she didn't feel something for rd then why was she so upset? The second half doesn't match the first.

It's possible that twilight likes both of them but I find it hard to believe she can't tell the difference in what she feels for each.

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Thank you guys for your views and opinions. You made me do some hard thinking about this story. I ended up doing exactly what I was afraid of doing and that was making it seem like Twilight just flipped a switch and was all better. So...I have two words for you all about this: Stay Tuned.

Everyone else who has commented, thank you for your support. This was my first SunLight fic and it won't be the last. You all "stay tuned" too!

6467264

I realize I may have been a bit harsh, ande only gave negative criticism without giving any positive at all, and that's not something you do when you review a story, so I'll say this now.

You were doing well up to that point, there's no mistake about that. The story was flowing nicely, and while it seemed like it would have fit better into a larger story, it was doing well as a one-shot. Maybe you're like me, and you like to get to the meat, the climax of your story as soon as possible, and you saw the end in sight and suddenly got tunnel vision.

If that's the case, know that you shouldn't be afraid to step back and think about what you're writing, and how you as a reader might react. Try to distance yourself from the fact that it's your own story at that point, and put yourself in a reader's shoes. In this case, you may have done well to slow things down and have Twilight acknowledge that she's still hurting from Rainbow, and it might hurt for a while more, but realize that she has a chance for something else with Sunset. It would likely mean the two taking it slower, and maybe you'd have a longer story because of it, maybe more than a single chapter, but I think ultimately you'd come out more satisfied.

6467973

I appreciate your comment. It does me some good to know that I didn't do it completely wrong, though I know I kind of messed up this time around with this story.

Also, I'm not going to lie, I took a few of the more negative comments a little personal, which I shouldn't have. It's good though because you all did make me do some serious thinking about the things that were pointed out. This story isn't over and I think I've thought of a good way to continue it. I really hope that what I have in mind works and helps to remedy Twilight flipping the switch. I'm really quite grateful for the comments.

6467996

I'll be sure to look out for it.

Also, one other thing that works, is to step back, and not look at what you've written for a few days, and then look at it again, if you have doubts about the quality of what you'v'e written in the moment.

Anyway, Looking forward to it.

Yaaaaayy!!!!!!! Fluffy cute fluff!!!!! :pinkiehappy: :derpytongue2: :heart:

I really liked your story, it was very well written. The only criticism I have is strictly personal; please don't try to ruin twidash.

nice song choice of the author :heart:

6477592

Thank you! It's one of my favorites. I thought it went well with how Sunset was feeling. Some might disagree, but ya know. :twilightsmile:

As a oneshot, this wasn't all that great. The ending felt rushed and unrealistic.

Now that you've made it into a longer story, you have my interest.

Wow. That was something else. Keep up the good work.

You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention

*Sniffle* SO BEAUTIFUL!:raritycry:

No Twilight! Come back!

Good work! I hope that despite Applejack and Rainbow being together, it doesn't ruin Twilight's friendship with her. Keep this up!

When is this gonna update???

Okay. Now I'm fully paying attention!:rainbowderp:
I need to read more

I can't wait for the next part

Well, now I have to read from the beginning to know what the hell was going on, but there are worst things to do in a Sunday night.

7630952

I'm glad you liked Part Three and hope you like the others! More to come!

Okay, so Rainbow and her weren't dating. Her trying to jump into a relationship with Sunset's a lot less iffy now.

Holy sheeeet it's been so long I thought the story was dead as a doornail; I didn't even have it on my 'tracking' bookshelf anymore, :derpytongue2:

Glad to see it (and you) back in action! :pinkiehappy:

7631619

Totally! I was really excited to finally get this new chapter up for people to read! This story was one I really liked to write on so it was never dead. It just...took me a while to get Part Three right :pinkiehappy: I hope you enjoy/enjoyed reading it! :twilightsmile:

Wait. Doesn't Twilight's book need to be in the machine she built back in Equestria in order for the mirror to work?

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It's not really clear to be honest. I figured once she took some of the power from it, the machine may only have needed to be recharged to keep the portal open rather than the book always needing to be there. I think since it's never said, ultimately it's up to writer's discretion :twilightsmile:

Uh-oh. Looks like a little bit of trouble.

Boy, Rainbow Dash actually made sense. Now go get your girl, Twily!

Amazing end to a amazing story.

9.8/10 (Nothing in this world is truly perfect)

7638018

Wow. Thank you so much. Quite the compliment! Makes me feel really good to hear that you liked it that much :twilightsmile:

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