- Member Since 13th Oct, 2014
- offline last seen April 15th
Glitter Grenade
Writing GLORIOUS trash. Nothing more or less.
Glitter Grenade
Joined 13th Oct, 2014 ·
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I find the interplay of innuendo and not-innuendo to be hilarious.
6484539
I'm glad you do. I love innuendo.
Add applejack!
That was a funny and hot read, I don't think I ever read a story like it. I felt kinda bad for Dashie when the human didn't cum inside her.
Not cunning inside Rainbow Dash is heresy! XD
Seriously though, could you just imagine in an alterate unverse where humans and poinies are good friends. A world where a human ridding their marefiiend against other mares in a race, each with their own human ridding them?
Win or lose by the end the race the mare the human was ridding becomes horny as hell. And they have sex in a private room together after the race. XD
6484567
Hey you, there is no war in Ba-Sing-Se. But if there was one, we should talk in pms.
38.media.tumblr.com/b025c92058b048a267d2a510eab0b876/tumblr_inline_nj238z5j8v1qi2je8.gif
And who are the people upvoting this comment? You all want an Applejack story or something?
6484731
You think the story is funny? I might add a comedy tag.
This is what I was thinking about. Ponies aren't used to be ridden (unless they're whorses) and the right way of setting that weight on their backs can encourage the (sex) mood. Not to mention of the pony get-up: the saddle, bridle, the harness bit, can be the equine equivalent to sex gear. I might follow up on this idea in other fics.
Anyways, thanks for reading.
I read the whole thing wondering how would riding help with sleepwalking. Story never mentions it. I feel cheated.
6485228
The story goes like this. Shawn suffers from sleepwalking and thinks riding a pony might be the cure to solve it. He just really, really wants to ride one. It's implied that he asked for Rainbow Dash and Applejack geared her up for apparently not-sexual ride. Story starts. That's it.
Even though I got rid of the starter, I thought the story explained itself and that the first part (the starter chapter) was redundant. Now I'm not so sure.
That feels way too random to leave out without explanation. How did he come to this idea and how managed to convince (or trick) others it'd help? I dunno about adding intro chapter, but you can at least edit annotation so it is less confusing.
The ONE time I see my name spelt how I spell it and it's the name of the main character of a clopfic
.
.
.
This means that I have to read this now, doesn't it?
6485478 this is a math problem, can't you tell, the answer is 4.
6486524
Buddy, I've got some news for you...http://www.fimfiction.net/story/280349/lucky-strike
I am now going to make it my goal in life to find out if this fic is talking about sex, or actual horse riding.
I certainly hope in the space of this fic, otherwise that'd be a really sad ending.
I don't understand this fic.... and for that, I applaud it.
It's weird, but somehow brilliant, like a piece of art. This story is deserving of a new bookshelf in my library:
Inspiring Stories
6486667 Well that one has a last name so I can claim that that's not actually me. (But yeah, why only spell my name right on clop? That's two times now...
)
6487334
Thanks for reading.
This entire story was me making fun of one of my earlier fics, The Etiquette of Mounting which involves innuendo. Originally, the whole story would have been written in Shawn's perspective and had a lot more chapters with different ponies. All following an element of 'Shawn rides X, misses that X has gotten supremely horny, Shawn and X have sex'. But I thought it would have been lame and placing way too much on Shawn being full of raw animal magnetism that the ponies fell over themselves trying to get at his 'package'.
The best part of writing inter-species couples is when you emphasis their differences. Shawn, if you take it from the ponies' perspective, is a bold, shameless stallion that is being aggressive with what he wants while being smooth with his words. There's no way that he could not be talking about sex and all his friendliness and connections and safe words... That's just him a being responsible lover.
So I flipped the script and wrote Rainbow Dash who did not give a crap outside of helping Applejack out and getting her rocks off. And even then the idea of helping Applejack got pushed to the sideline when she cared more about getting off. In between them fooling around, Dash gradually begins to tell while she was just horny, it was more than just her being hot and bothered by the saddle and riding gear. Or I hope the story points in that direction.
6486546 Hello... Brother
6487956 That refrences was lost on me.
Really good stuff, yo!
I wish Dash would've gotten off too near the end there, but considering how she had several orgasms before they even did The Thing I guess there's no harm in edging her for a lil' while, hehe.
6487793 I can see what you're getting at, this story certainly has a few 'layers', per say, to it.
It may just be because I read this out of context, but it seemed to me that this story left a whole lot up to the interpretation of the viewer. For instance, the story at the beginning insinuates that Rainbow Dash gets off from being put in a saddle, but it can be interpreted in many ways. Either Rainbow Dash is into a form of BDSM, or it's something that happens to all ponies.
And then there's Shawn.
He really is a mystery to me.
He seems rather innocent, as when he describes what horse riding is supposed to be, it really is quite true. But then we see some of the stuff that happens, and it's almost as if in pony society, 'riding' is commonly regarded as something sexual.
Basically, this story leaves a lot of facts out, leaving the reader to make lots of assumptions. It gives the reader a sort of wonder, a feeling of 'why?'.
I like it.
Although, this story represents the other extreme of 'show, don't tell', where it literately shows everything, and doesn't tell you a single thing.
Release Review
At request, I is here.
I have to say, it’s a first for someone to outright ask my to review like that. Sure I’ve been given a ‘Please read my story’ plenty of time and have been asked to preread but this is a first.
But I will say my two biggest gripes with Chase Me apply here as well. Let’s start at the beginning.
First off there is the little tidbit about sleepwalking. I can see that the eventual result was for him to ride a pony in hopes of calming down his mind but that feels like it’s reaching at best. Sure the end result can be interpreted that way, but it can do so a lot of other ways. He’s human and just wants to ride a horse for starters. It feels really out of place and kinda comes across as an obfuscated Noodle Incident because of it. It’s partly because today’s readers are getting increasingly genre savvy, and partly because, as undesirable as it is, readers need to be led by the nose a little bit. The careful balancing act involved is that readers need enough to establish the scene, but if you do it too much you are doing nothing but leading them by the nose and refusing to let them think for themselves.
That aside, the setup is alright. I mean if the sleepwalking bit is disregarded (It can be removed entirely and nothing would be lost). As a favor RD is going to be ridden, they go riding. That’s it. SImple enough. However there are a few lingering issues buried within.
The first one is a little bit structural. It’s BDSM, there’s no question about that. That in mind, kink or not, RD’s thought process feels a little fragmented and strange. Being tied up can very easily be considered an erotic act, so I can get that she might get aroused, but it feels very strange to read. Applejack’s tieing her up, to trying to stretch her wings, to almost cumming on the spot, to trying to think of unsexy things. It feels very chaotic and hard to be interpreted as sexy or arousing. It comes up again later on when she’s getting ridden by Shawn. I understand that getting tied up is erotic, but her thought process is so strange I can hardly see why she’s getting so worked up. I can get the how but I don’t understand the why. Her train of thought feels like it needs to go through a layer of editing to get it more streamlined.
Shawn I don’t like, but not in the way you think. my first thought was that he would be the traditional Anon where the reader could put themself in the role. Considering it takes place from Rainbow Dash’s perspective primarily, that doesn’t apply because we can’t get a firm conversation of his thoughts and feelings. If true that alone would allow less character meat on his bones as a reader would be superimposed over him.
Otherwise he kinda feels dull, but, again, not in the way you think. It feels like we’re only getting the result of his thoughts and actions. Rainbow Dash doesn’t know them, and so we don’t know them, and this is a good thing. As this is third-person limited, his direct thoughts are outside the scope of the narrative and should be roped off. While what is here is correct from a narrative standpoint, it comes at the price of Shawn having no definable thought process or character because no one in the story or the reader can tell what he is doing or thinking. It feels like there’s something there, but I can’t see it and and that irritates the hell out of me because that means the only reliable way I can judge him is on his actions and I thus think he’s an asshole.
Professional clop writers are masters of mood. When writing a clop, story comes second as what people are feeling is far more important than what they are doing. There’s the sights, sounds, smells, the little flicks of emotion that fly through the mind. That’s what’s important to a sex story. You’re not just telling a story, you’re setting a scene.
It’s why I didn’t like him. It just didn’t feel like he was having any fun, and it wasn’t helped by it being ambiguous if Rainbow got off or not. I do have issues with how it was presented but it was clear that Rainbow wanted to get rutted. I guess in the end it didn’t feel all that sexy to me. If the reasoning behind that was to show Shawn was taking a top’s role and was getting off by merely dominating RD, it wasn’t shown and I thusly couldn’t interpret that as sexy.
You talked to me about consent and how that was important. That always is. Even still, the lack of a defined no does not inherently mean yes. I actually know a guy who got expelled and jail time for that same reason. He didn’t mean anything bad, but they were curled up on the couch, his hand drifted to her thigh, and she didn’t say anything...
I digress. My issue with Chase Me wasn’t consent, it was communication, or the lack of it. There is a bit of overlap but the two are not one in the same, or mutually exclusive. Rainbow Dash wants to help Applejack (I question the circumstances on why he asked AJ to ask Rainbow), which snowballs into rubbing one out. That’s okay; clop can survive with minimal story as long as the prior talked about mood is center stage.
It’s clear that Rainbow wants a lay and is going to get one so there’s no real need to talk about consent there. She’s freely offering herself in that regard. What’s lingering is her role in communicating her desire, and Shawn’s role in both consent and communication. That same ambiguity still haunts him however so getting a fair judge of either is very difficult. He acts cold toward her once she makes her desires known and I can’t tell if it’s out of disgust of he’s just stringing her along. It’s very hard to tell. Rainbow’s brashness does come through so while Shawn may or may not be sexually interested in her, at least she tells him straight away what she wants. That covers her role of communication.
The stickler here is Shawn. I just don’t know enough about him to judge what’s done is fair or not. The sticking point here, at least in what you wanted me to look for, was communicating to your partner. I didn’t like Chase Me because the male anon was clearly uncomfortable with his partner’s request and didn’t sit down and talk to her about it. Given BDSM activities can be harmful or potentially dangerous both emotionally and physically, that trust and communication is very important. I don’t mean in the sense where it’s only involved when someone breaks out the crop and cuffs: it applies to any situation outside the comfort zone. It’s not just trust a partner to not mess up, but to take precautions to mitigate the damage should a mistake ever come to pass. Safewords, discussing at length, sometimes hours, about the actions and potential fallout of new fun time, it’s needed to stay safe and healthy.
I just don’t know enough about Shawn. That’s what drags the story down for me because I can’t tell if he’s enjoying it, why he’s enjoying, or any of his thoughts concerning the sex or the foreplay. He’s the weakest part of this fanfic and since sex is a give and take, the whole suffers because of it.
One of the things that comes to mind that might be able to help is use what Dash knows of the guy. Shawn’s not really defined in story or contains much characterization from a meta standpoint. If Dash uses her own knowledge, or even AJ while she was there, to extrapolate some things about him, all it would do is help.
One of the things I always try to improve on his dialogue in clop. Practicing how to wine and dine helps lead into things like dirty talk and the aforementioned mood setting. Just throwing people in is fine under circumstances but this story could benefit from a more firm foundation.
Since he seems to be familiar with horseback riding, getting into detail about it could potentially lead into something erotic. Grooming, brushing, bareback riding, etc.
And now for the ending credits.
This should be popped, otherwise this sentence lacks a subject.
Ponies lack a defined bust. That’s a human trait.
Hey, the young ones smell nicer, but the old ones know more tricks.
*wants
I find it very impressive he can hear a silent ‘W’
Whorse?
Comma and lowercase ‘s’
Same thing.
And again.
6535027
Thank you so much for the review. It just hits on so many notes and it is beautiful.
I shall meditate on your words and let me tell you, they came at just the right time.
To be honest, I'd been worrying that whole human aspect of the fic was just and for decoration. That readers just cared about a human, not a character, getting with a pony and all I had to do was change a name and a few traits to serve the story. And this thinking has been showing up in my fics lately. Release just took the brunt of it. I did have a chapter completely in Shawn's perspective but I cut it out to get to 'the action'.
I wrote this published version in a sexual hue to somehow compensate for it and convinced myself that was the right way to go. Nobody would want to read about him. Nobody would care about him being 'absent'.
Surely, I was cutting out the fat.
Release, as a fic, gives me mixed feelings because even as the author, I can't say for sure what Shawn is thinking. I have my own interpretation and I know why and how I wrote it but I can't say it in Great Author Authority like I can with my other fics.
I appreciate your review, pointing out these things I couldn't really clarify by myself. Without this, I would have spun in circles. Somewhat sure that something was wrong but being unable to find the cause like a man who's his missing glasses was on his head. The upvotes on this fic would have encouraged me into thinking that I'd found the right method.
Turn the human into a disposable name and a thing with hands.
Focus on the pony.
Increase the -insert here-.
But I would still have this insecurity that there was still something off and I would decipher the comments, desperately looking for the hint while aggressively attempting to solve it. All of my fixes and tricks, they'd never work and I'd drop something and move on to something else.
In all this, I'd forgotten what characters were. I feel rather stupid but relieved to now know what is wrong and how to address it.
Thank you.
wow that was hard, who knew that rainbow dash has a sexual seductive side....im going to hell for this am I?
I did not delete the comment above mine.