Mean Equestrian Girls

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Sunset Shimmer is a typical high school bad girl, tough, no-nonsense, awesome motorcycle, begins the first day at her new school. However what she finds in a Wonderland of insanity, backstabbing, manipulation, and border line super villainy. Can she survive, can she deal with a group of 6 somewhat mean girls who are a lot crazier than she could possibly imagine, can she look better in a leather jacket? You'll just have to find out.

Thanks to the following
Co-Author: The Fan Without a Face
Pre-Reader Spirit Shift

Link to Art; http://bubblestormx.deviantart.com/art/Role-Reversal-476783730

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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Color Nova

Color Nova #1 · Sep 25th, 2015 · · ·

Nice start, you may want to consider an editor to help with the spelling and grammar mistakes I found.

Vakama95096

Vakama95096 #2 · Sep 25th, 2015 · · ·

why do i have a feeling that thing are going bad for Sunset?

Hakuno

Hakuno #3 · Sep 25th, 2015 · · ·

The description makes it sound like a Comedy story.

calinjc

calinjc #4 · Sep 25th, 2015 · 2 · ·

The Fan Without a Face

The Fan Without a Face #5 · Sep 26th, 2015 · · ·

6462056

Uh what does that mean exactly. Is that a good My God or a Bad one?

calinjc

calinjc #6 · Sep 26th, 2015 · · ·

6462699
good

The Fan Without a Face

The Fan Without a Face #7 · Sep 26th, 2015 · · ·

6462773

Okay cool.

calinjc

calinjc #8 · Sep 26th, 2015 · 3 · ·

“Riiiiight….Well you see….like the Roman Empire, this school has a bit hierarchy you see, one that’s been around for quiet some time...and well…The school’s Caesar….Is me..” Sunset seemed taken aback to how bluntly Twilight compared herself to Caesar of all people. However this was confirmed when a dark grin formed on her face. “And these five are my praetorians and the rest of you are...well….you know...”
“Plebeians.” Sunset finished for exact.
“Exactly”! Twilight nodded smiling darkly still.

I think we all know how this is going to end

Sunset slowly got to her feet as she continued to stare at the backs of her adversary's, clenching her teeth in rage, “Better hope we don’t see each other again Sparkle. Or I’ll give you something to smile at.”
As if an alarm bell had just gone off, all the girls promptly froze and their laughter ceased. Both Fluttershy and Applejack quickly turned their attention to Pinkie, who seemed to become a statue of sorts, while Rainbow had actually taken a few steps back, shaking slightly at the Pink haired girl, whose grin seemed to shrink along with her hair
The tension seemed to last for a moment or two as nothing else seemed to happen, though Twilight continued to look at Pinkie were a degree of anxiety, along with the other girls. However, slowly her grin seemed to return to normal, prompting the girls to relax, though Rainbow didn’t close the gap between them. Twilight looked one Sunset one more time leaning into her so only she could here. “I hope you do.”

HOLY SHIT!!
Where Twilight failed to intimidate Sunset with a speech, Sunset intimidated the main 6 with only 2 sentences.

The Fan Without a Face

The Fan Without a Face #9 · Sep 26th, 2015 · · ·

6462981

That's kind of why we had the little God metaphor with Celestia and Luna.

icecreammac

icecreammac #10 · Oct 1st, 2015 · · ·

So this isn't a bad start, but I noticed some errors that need ironing out. For starters, the word is "principal", not "principle". You also had "there" and "their" mixed up a few times, Make sure to capitalize the pronoun "I". You had some odd, random capitalized words that shouldn't have been capitalized, while you didn't capitalize some words that needed it. You had far too many ellipses during the dialogue, which got difficult to distinguish from thoughts, by the way, since you used quotation marks for both. You had some comma issues which made sentences confusing due to having too few commas. Lastly, the food is spelled "chili", not "chilly". There were some other issues as well. I suggest getting an editor to straighten these issues out. In the meantime, I look forward to the next chapter.

Berlin18