• Published 18th Sep 2015
  • 1,007 Views, 11 Comments

Doctor Whooves and the Auton Invasion of Equestria - The Minister of Scones

The Doctor, newly regenerated and rather helpless, is shocked to discover that his place of exile isn't quite as safe as he thought. An old enemy has returned to Equestria, and only the Doctor and his new 'friends' stand in its way... Oh, crumbs.

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Epilogue: The End of It

“Well, I must say, I think that went rather well,” confessed the Doctor, inbetween swallowing one scone and stuffing his face with the next.

“Ah just can't get over all those poor ponies in Canterlot getting... slaughtered like that.” A haunted look came into Applejack's eyes as she remembered the Canterlotians screaming and running, and being mercilessly executed by the marauding Automata. The other girls nodded in agreement.

“Well, alright, there's that side of things,” he admitted, wiping crumbs off his hooves, “but at least we won. I've been in worse scrapes.”

“You seem to be taking this remarkably calmly,” observed Twilight, eyebrows raised.

“One becomes accustomed to this kind of thing, to be honest. I don't like death at the best of times, but before now I've been forced to kill a pony with my bare hooves...” He trailed off, noticing that the mares were staring at him with horrified looks on their faces. “Errm...” He decided that allowing himself to speak was not his best option, and rectified the problem by grabbing two more scones from the gingham picnic rug before them, pushing them both into his mouth at the same time. “Delishush!” He nodded to Pinkie, showing his appreciation. Pinkie beamed. The Doctor stretched back, allowing himself to rest on the lush lakeside grass.

“Well, Ah guess one good thing came of it,” admitted Applejack, “Applebloom and Scootaloo never got to remove any of Sweetie's internal organs durin' their… uh… 'surgery'.”

“I don't think Sweetie Belle melting into a puddle of plastic in the middle of one of their meetings did them much good, though, darling,” pointed out Rarity, taking a careful purse-lipped sip of melon juice.*

“Is Sweetie doing okay?” asked a concerned Fluttershy.

“Well, I'm beginning to suspect her 'lollipop cravings' are just attempts to play on my sympathy, but she's recovering fine,” reported Rarity. “You know, I thought I was unlucky, being stunned by one of those horrid dummy things, but the poor thing was simply… simply...”

“Cracked over the head with a plastic leg?” offered the Doctor.

“Precisely. I don't know what I'm going to tell our parents.”

“The truth?” suggested Applejack, dryly.

“Well, of course, darling, but I need to make sure I can't be blamed.”

Fluttershy looked astonished. “Oh, nopony could blame you for what happened, Rarity. At- at least in my opinion...”

“That's what I always think, but somehow it's always my fault.”

“Heartbroken though I am to interrupt such riveting conversation,” announced the Doctor, still prone on the grass, “I was wondering if anypony was in the mood for a bit of large-wooden-box shifting. I've left the poor girl stranded in the forest for two weeks, and she's probably pining already… oh, 'pining'! That's quite funny...” He sat up, gauging the ponies' reactions. They were ones of silence, apart from that of Pinkie Pie, who collapsed onto her back in fits of giggles.

“He he he! Pining! 'Cause it's a wooden box!”

“I meant because it's in the woods, but given the obviously atrocious sense of humour of you Ponyvillians, I'm inclined to take what I can get.” The Doctor looked decidedly huffy.

“What poor girl? Have you left somepony trapped in a box?” Twilight scratched her head.

“No, no, it's just… look, I'll explain later.”

“Well, how large is this box?”

“About as tall as a pony-and-a-half, and as wide as two. Doesn't weigh much. Well, not normally. She varies.”

Twilight wisely decided to ignore the 'she'. “Well, I think I can help.”

“Jolly dee. We'll sort that out in a bit.”

“Oh, Doctor, I almost forgot, Princesses Celestia and Luna asked me to convey their thanks to you for your assistance. They sent this letter via Spike, but it seems to be written in some sort of code...”

“Ah. That'll be Celunatian. It's a secret language I helped them invent when they were little. They used to leave each other notes about where their governesses were to try and avoid baths. Though,” he added, “I can't take full credit for the language. I did borrow a fair bit from Neo-Aretian.”

“And it's signed, 'Lesty and Luny.'”

“Ah, yes! Only I'm allowed to call them that.” He smiled proudly. “I'll take that, thank you.” Twilight obediently passed it to him. He unrolled the scroll, cleared his throat… and began to read it in his head.

“What?” Rainbow Dash, who had stopped trying to see how many cress rolls she could fit into her mouth, and was now staring at him indignantly. “How come you can't read it to us?”

“If they'd wanted me to do that,” proclaimed the Doctor, haughtily, “they'd hardly have written it in Celunatian, now would they? It could contain all sorts of embarrassing things. Lesty hasn't seen me in decades, and as for Luny… well, one hardly likes to mention it.”

“Huh?” Rainbow looked confused. “Oh, you mean when she turned evil and was banished to the moon.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes. “Yes…” He glanced over the letter. “I was quite right. You know, even when she was the littlest foal, I was the only one Luna would allow to change her nappies… I shouldn't have told you that. Forget I said that!” He read a little further, and a wide grin appeared across his face. “The Brigadier! He says hello! Actually, since I'm stuck here for the rest of me' natural, I really ought to look him up.”

He looked up at the ponies, to find that they were happily chatting away and ignoring him totally. “I say, have you been listening?”

“Oh, um, I just assumed you were talking to yourself again,” confessed Fluttershy.

“Ya do do that an awful lot,” added Applejack.

“I do not! Do I?”

Sheepishly, the others nodded.

“Ah… Oh dear.”

“Er, Doctor?” began Fluttershy, a hint of caution in her voice, “I don't mean to be rude, but we should see about finding you a place to live… not that I'm trying to throw you out, I just...”

“Eh? Oh, yes, of course! I should probably introduce myself to the townsponies, as well.”

“Good idea,” agreed Twilight, “it might make it easier to distinguish between you and that other Doctor, as well.”

“Well, quite… Hold on, what other Doctor?”

“Oh, you know,” Rarity insisted, “The one who looks a bit like you. And sounds a bit like you.”

“More like exactly like you,” interrupted Rainbow. “To be honest, I thought you were the same pony until Flutters introduced you.”

“Well, well.” The Doctor pondered this. “What's his name, then?”

“I… I'm not really sure. We just call him 'Doc',” admitted Twilight, “he's just... the brown Doc.”

“Derpy knows him quite well,” suggested Rainbow, “ask her.”

“I think I shall. This could be more important than you realise. It's possible it's all a big coincidence and that somepony looks exactly like me, but if I'm already here, then my time-stream could get tangled with the other me's. All sorts of things could happen.”

“Such as?” asked Twilight, more out of curiosity than worry.

“All sorts of things, really. A rift could open in the fabric of reality. Creatures that have been extinct for millions of years could start appearing all over the place.”

“Wouldn't we have noticed?” Applejack pointed out.

“You're quite right, of course. I'm just getting excitable. We'll investigate later. All the same, this could be interesting. I've had a few doubles before now, and it rarely turns out for the best… Did I ever tell you about the time I found out that the world was about to be destroyed by somepony who looked exactly like me? Salamander, his name was. He was causing earthquakes and volcanic eruptions all over the place...”

Lightyears away, in another galaxy as yet unknown to the Equestrians, and long since abandoned as far as research went by the Timelords as uninhabitable, a cowled figure sat alone in a cave – but one in which one or two items seemed a little out of place. For one thing, he was seated on a Chipping Dale chair, sipping from a small glass of Moog milk, despite the fact that the Moog would not evolve for another thirty-million years or so.

He was also seated in front of an incredibly advanced computer, which the experienced eye would quickly identify as one of Jagaroth origin. The Jagaroth had been extinct for millenia. He was inputting text by means of a sphere, half sticking out of the control bank and free to move inside its socket, which he was expertly manipulating to communicate with some external body.

“Exiled? To Equestria?” he asked, via the sphere.

“Exactly,” came the brief reply, spelled out across the round black screen in shimmering gold letters.

The figure's ears pricked up. “As it happens, I would welcome an opportunity to exact my revenge.” He stared eagerly at the screen.

“All in good time. First, I have something a little more ambitious in mind.”

The figure read on. After a few moments, he had grasped the gist of the plan. He reached up, twirling his thin moustache with one hoof. “I say,” he said, “good show!”

*All the ponies in Canterlot were drinking it.

'Doctor Whooves' starred

Timothy Spall as The Doctor

Tara Strong as Twilight Sparkle

Ashleigh Ball as Rainbow Dash and Applejack

Andrea Libman as Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy

Tabitha St. Germain as Rarity and Princess Luna

Cathy Weseluck as Spike

Nicole Oliver as Princess Celestia

Madeline Peters as Scootaloo

Michelle Creber as Applejack

Angel Bunny as himself

Hugh Burden as the Nestene Invasion Director

Willoughby Goddard as the Nestene Consciousness

Nicholas Briggs as Confused Guard Captain and Auton Voice

Terry Klassen as Sam Spoons

Nicholas Courtney as the Brigadier

John Levene as Colonel Benton

Mark Gatiss as Professor Crater Mass

Colin Baker as Commander Maxil

Alan Nest as Third Auton From The Left

Eddie Murphy as Turnip Grove

Willie Rushton as Binary Code

Mel Brooks as Captain Arrowfeathers

The Aquabats as Party of UNIT Soldiers


Terry-Thomas as The Mysterious Cowled Figure at the End, There.

Lighting – James Robins and Robin Jameson

Costumes – Moss Bros.

Director – Michael 'Bully' Herbig

Shipping and Shopping – Captain Haddock

Clues – The Famous Five

Dictionary of Troublesome Words – Bill Bryson

Action by – HAVOC

Traction by – TRAVOC

Doctor Who Theme – Ron Grainer

-Realised By – Delia Derbyshire

-Ruined By – Cybertech

Shouting and Being Clever – Dr. Johnson

Script – The Minister of Scones

Interruptions – The Minister of Scones' Secretary (dammed woman and her meetings)

All the World's Problems – Satan

Many thanks to all my follower.

And Doctor Whooves will return at some point in the unspecified future. Coming up next on BBC Zero, there's another chance to see the colour yellow.

Author's Note:

Next Episode: Mistaken Identity

Dear reader,
Well, that was a lot of work. If you enjoyed this story, a sequel is coming in the next few days. Sorry the epilogue took so long to appear; the half-term holidays are over, sadly. I hope you did enjoy it. If you did, why not upvote it and make my day? If not, you could use the comments to tell me why, although if I hadn't enjoyed a story I probably wouldn't have read 25,000 words of it, so you probably won't see this. Never mind.
Ever yours,
-The Minister

UPDATE: sequel now up! Show it love here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/300019/the-twoish-doctors

Comments ( 7 )

This is a parody of those Anon in Equestria stories, right? I don't exactly know much about Doctor Who...

Not altogether. It's suposed to function as a story in its own right, but I think there is a certain 'meta' element to it, which real Doctor Who often does very well. It's definitely meant to be funny, anyway, and the Doctor's reactions to the Mane 6 are written with the whole 'Anon' thing in mind.

Tank you, sor.*
Yes, I had breaks in the original document, but when I pasted it over I lost all formatting and forgot to put them back in. I'll add those.

*I am a quarter Irish, and it sometimes seizes control.

So! I've finished reading this story and I must say that irmt was quite a read. It's good to see a different takr on Doctor Whooves story, even senile is alive and kicking!
Pity that there wasn't a Doctor scene. Show of his wit and brilliance. Whatever. Easy to read, even if confusing sometimes. And big plus for 9th refference.

Comment posted by Drakkanien deleted Nov 15th, 2015

Don't worry, there will be scenes of the Doctor's genius in stories to come! Just give him a chance. It's not easy to recover from a regeneration at his age, you know. Actually, if there's anything you don't understand, just ask. Sometimes a sciency thing or plot point or somesuch is obvious to me, because I thought of it, and then I forget to include the explanation, so if anything's too 'blurry' plot wise, let me know and I'll fix it. Thanks for reading, and for your lovely compliments!

6910755 No one else seemed to have done an Auton story. I spotted a gap in the market. :twistnerd:

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