- Member Since 20th May, 2014
- offline last seen April 16th
AlmanacP
Hello, I'm a writer, I hope to be a published author one day. My main ventures in writing so far is Daring Do and my FoE story. Enjoy! Check out other stuff at http://almanacpony.deviantart.com/
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Wow, I don't normally pick up on Fallout Equestria stories but as a writer of longer stories myself i'll be watching this one. I personally like how you write Tome Tale, good luck with your series!
LateBronyWriter
P.S. Because I had trouble with this as well, if you copy your story to Google Docs then copy and paste it back here in FimFiction it'll add those spaces between the paragraphs that everyone wants to see.
Just a helpful word of advice
LateBronyWriter
6433831 thanks. the upload system of fimfiction is REALLY annoyingly bad. -_-
I'm glad you like the story. :) Really, it means a lot to get a positive review on it so far. ^-^
Ok, this intro is nice and is getting me into it.
6433884 I'm glad. ^-^ I hope to hear what you think when you're done reading what's there.
6433862 Don't mention it! I like longer stories and your work is surprisingly good!
LateBronyWriter
I feel the writing is leading up to something, I quite enjoy stories that begin in the middle/end. This is a good intro. One suggestion I could make is avoiding long bursts of commas and semi-colons in a sentence. It only happened once, but it's something to keep an eye on ^^ Great work all around!
6434210 Thank you so much for the kind words. And you can thank my editor for that. XD
I'd like to think of myself as a good writer, but like most authors, my book would be just ramblings without the skills of a good editor to make it better. So if there are punctuation issues that mess with the flow and ebb of the sentence, I put entire blame on my editor. His fault! ALL HIS! *hides under bed*
6434229
I can see the clusters of focused thought in the writing, which I feel is more a characteristic to Tome than a writing issue. It provides a different mood, something unique.
Oh, and having read halfway into chapter 1, I'd like to congratulate you on amusing me so much. I don't know why, but I had the giggles for a while after reading 'I like to think he finds me hilarious.' about the mute bandage pone.
6434686 This is set YEARS before littlepip ever stepped out of her stable. a great many years. this is before calamity ever even came down from the clouds. we're talking about 20 years before or somewhere around there. lol. so no, she probably won't be mentioned. XD but, I'll change that little detail anyway, thank you for the notice. :) Also, I hope you like the story.
Just curious but have you ever played Fallout? I ask out of curiosity because of the footnotes with levelling up. I know it's your own fic and what not but I'd still prefer to compare it to the original FO:E and say making your own perks is a good idea buuut it might help you more if you base your perks off the ones in game, otherwise it kinda doesn't make sense, don't get me wrong it's good but it's your fic so go at it how you will.
6435033 Yes I have., but I couldnt find a comparable upgrade in the game that would fit. So I made my own. I will, wherever possible, use official upgrades (punned of course where possible) and level ups. :) Thank you for the concern, I hope you have, otherwise, enjoyed the story.
6434377 hehe. I'm glad. though I fear people may grow to hate tome later on. People need to be perfectly clear on something...Tome is NOT a Hero.
And that's actually the point.
Because sometimes you don't need a hero to save the day. Sometimes you need a monster.
Please continue to give me feedback as you read it, I'd love to see more of your thoughts and impressions. ^-^
just wondering , maybe you could put the translation of the binary in after it?
6436058 that would defeat the purpose. My editor put that in. And he's a public troll. He likes my story plan enough that he's sure that I'll gain a sizable following, and thus wishes to tease them. They're clues for the story. XD
6436058
6436415
Heheh. Almanac hit the nail on the head with his comment. I put the binary in. Wouldn't go so far As to call me a troll though, I don't want to See anyone mad. However, I do find enjoyment in niggling a person's Curiosity.
With that in mind, I will be Including something in every chapter. Its up to you, the readers, to decipher It. I'll be happy to drop hints on how to decipher it, but after this post I'd take any hints with a grain of salt. I won't out right lie to you, but you may want to think of me as a fae.
Now, as for this hint... Well, not much time as passed since the story came out. So try to figure it out, and have fun!
Cool story.Cant wait for the next chapter!!
I had to stop reading for a second because I felt you should know that it appears you have based a critical story element around a magical child that pisses and vomits luscious plant life. I have more to say about this, and I've liked this from what I've seen, but I will get back to you when I actually manage to come to terms with how the wonders of magical science brought us this child with the magic body fluids.
6561674 erm...actually no. o.o It's just her horn. it happens when she sings. it has absolutely nothing to do with her bodily fluids. o.o That just happened to be coincidence at a time. Also, her power is not by chance, I havent shoehorned in some random super powered filly for "reasons", there is actually an explanation and something much deeper going on, and it's tied to everything else. So yeah...I sincerely hope you WILL continue reading. ^-^ No magical bodily fluids here. lol
6562473
You seem to act as though having an explanation for things is new to story telling... of course I expect you to explain your plot devices. anyway, I'll get back to you when I finish the chapter.
6562899 erm...no. I'm just saying that I've actually thought things out. I've read a few side stories of FoE and many of them were rushed because peoples passions outweighed their planning ability, and thus didn't actually know where they were taking their story. I am merely confirming that yes, I actually have a very big plan for this story, and nothing is just thrown in with no regard or reason.
6562956 I could already tell that just from how you are writing your story. Especially because I am doing the exact same thing.
So I finished your two chapters, and so far you have a grasp of dramatic tension, which is much more than a lot of other FOE writers. Tome has quite a bit of edgy flair, which is good. You certainly use introspection well and have put a lot of work into making Tome likable. I'd like to add "horse-fly" to his list of pegasus derogatories. Like it is a shame he doesn't throw that one around.
On side note, your team seems to consist of Sherlock Holmes, Silent Bob, an angry leprechaun, and "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE, WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC~" (AKA the pissing, vomiting, wonderchild). Honestly, that's not a bad thing, just a funny way of looking at it.
Your story reminds me a lot of my own, particularly since we both seemed to have the idea of "there are way too many stable pony unicorns bumbling around trying to be beacons of morality in the wasteland, lets get some snarky wasteland earth ponies in there." I get the idea that you are approaching this from similar angles that I am, not saying we are trying to write the same story, but trying to write more intellectual foe stories, so it is nice to see. This is one of the more enjoyable reads I have had in poking around the foe stories.
I can't in good taste leave this without criticism, as compliments don't fill in the holes. You've certainly done a lot to try to show Tome to be really intelligent, but in doing so, you show a lot of the rest of the wasteland to be incredibly stupid by comparison. Right now, there are very few characters that really can match Tome, which makes things less interesting. The wasteland is survival of the fittest, and even less than intelligent people can be clever, so the strong have to learn to defend against that. It would be a real test of ability to have some tit-for-tat battles of wits with a formidable rival. Also, I don't know if this is intentional, but Tome monologues like villain, like somepony should just shoot him. He gets off easy a few too many times. Not to mention, there are things book smarts can't teach you, especially when reading from the text of a civilian culture with laws. Tome talks too much and thinks himself too smart, and since in the wasteland giving away when and where can get you killed, those types of flaws are among the least smart things you can do. From a story stand point, you may want to keep them, as it is a good flaw to offset the benefit of his intellect, I'm just saying let ponies take advantage of it. Flaws are nothing without struggle.
I also don't necessarily agree with his judgement. I'm not talking moral junk, I'm talking logic. He refuses to kill the pegasus witness, letting them get off saying that the head of Slave.inc (not necessarily Red Eye of course) would not pursue very hard. But in keeping large groups under control, you can't let others get away with violating your code and so a lot of leaders punish the things they can very harshly, so that no others get the idea of defying them. On the side of killing the pegasus, it would provide them no witness to ask for descriptions, and even if someone did see Tome, they wouldn't have seen Stranger sniping from a distance. The slave lord can get as angry as he wants, but without a target to pin the blame on, he is out of luck. In the end, ponies die in the wasteland, and if this pegasus is as poorly trained as you depict them to be (which aren't the Enclave a military society? A lot of basic training targets that kind of thing), then the slavers are likely to not have a ton of faith in them.
This is a good story, better than most FOE stories I've seen, so keep on writing. I enjoyed things so far, so don't stop writing. Take my criticism as me taking your story seriously. I would certainly recommend others to try this out.
6563385 thank you so much for the criticism , it's the first legit form I've had that hasn't been littered with bias due to affection towards me as a person, either through friends or those closer than friends.
On a point of one of your criticism's, the reason why Tome didn;t kill the pegasus, is less about the slaver, and more notably towards the Enclave. Tome is a forward thinker that basically..thinks like me. In broad strokes and connections in circumstance. He see's points. He has already identified that obviously the pegasus is enclave, so he has already asked himself 'why is the enclave working with the slaver'. this kind of armour is foreign to him, he knows there is a very small group of pegasus with steam bolt, and has figured that likely, it is a mutual relationship. It is understandable that likely the slaver does not control the pegasus directly, and they are likely recieving orders from the enclave. This is important in his decision to let them him go free. He does not know the armours capability to contact others, which is something he actually asks about in the next chapter that comes up, more than that, he is not aware of the details about said treaty or deal between the slaver and enclave. there are too many unknowns, and to make himself as small a target as possible, with as small a trail as possible is very important to him. There may have been others that watched him leave and then the pegasus to follow him, or there may be a way they can monitor the pegasus in his armour and even track his location. too many unknowns to be causing a stir. so he takes what he believes to be the safest route.
On the note of tomes weakness, I heavily intend to at that point, and actually, his intelligence will be matched at many points. You will find that each member of the group outmatches tome in different areas, even the filly has a surprise about her that I am sure you will enjoy. I fully intend to take advantage of his weaknesses.
Thank you so much for the review of my work, I sincerely hope you recommend it, and I greatly hope you will continue to read it as new chapters are released. :) Thank you.
EDIT: OH! to address your point about things you can't learn from booksmarts...you are 100% correct. except not in Tome Tale's case. Which is something that will be revealed, but is likely, by this message alone, obvious. XD
Hmmm... Promising.
~ Neon Lights
6583024 thank you, I'm glad you think so. ^^
6563414
*chuckles*
You give away too much friend. Let them see the ups, downs, conflicts, and surprises for themselves. Besides secrets are much more fun.
6563385
Do not worry Shenanigans. Tome gets his due.
Whelp, time to put this off no farther! The description gained my attention, and the cover art sold it. I'm gonna buckle down for the next... few hours and see if this story lives up to my expectations!
You have been warned!
~ Neon Lights
I'm liking this story enough to keep reading. But the main character makes me want to throw my tablet at the wall in hopes it will somehow hurt him. Is this guy going to be an hypocrite asshole too full of himself until the end or is he going to change along the way? Because I can live with hypocritical, but not the rest.
6722782 oh yeah, he'll change, I promise. Well..mostly. he'll keep a lot of who he is, a bit of an asshole, but you'll start seeing a lot more of how he is underneath...well...you'll see. but yes, there IS major character development that will eventually happen. I promise. ^^ Otherwise, I'm overjoyed you like the story. :D
Well after rereading through chapter 3, I can do a small review of this chapter... But I am not doing this alone, reviewing with me is Seria!
i.imgur.com/PHSUw78.png
Seria: Do I really have to do this?
Aw come on Seria! It's all for a bit of fun right? Don't be like that now!
Seria: Ugh fine, but I'm not going easy on this you know?
Why would you anyway? Unless this was Rage Reviews of course that is... Grammar is very much in the standard category, no spell mishaps, the sentences are flowed easily and all in all. This is okay.
Seria: Psssh, that's nothing comparing to Looks at Tome Tale this guy, like seriously? This pony here is being a stereotypical hypocritical asshole here, it makes me want to ignite him with my flames right now... but for the sake of seeing this as possible character development, I'll let it pass...but that doesn't mean I get to set him aflame yet...
Okay that was a bit much there... Now on to the mysterious stallion (Not so mysterious because I know who this is already just from the dog and color of coat
) Hmm... I'm a bit iffy on how the character is portrayed right now... to new readers, this may not be much but for those who read the original, this might seem a bit odd of him to behave this way... but I can't say much about this otherwise. I'll just leave it that the characters are amazing as far as this story goes 
6723220 bare in mind, this story is set an average of around 20-30 years (somewhere around there, no direct date given) before the original. said character you are talking about, is currently in his youth and VERY new to the wasteland. in fact, this is only his third outing into the wasteland. I'm not about to throw it such classic characters and have them be exactly what they are shown as, no, I'm going to show HOW THEY BECAME the characters we know and love (or love to hate). Otherwise it'd be boring.
Now as for tome tale? yes, character development will happen, and yes, you can hate him and consider him an asshole, I am 100% fine with that. he IS an asshole. My aim is to make you utterly hate him...but still root for him, and understand him, and even pity him. For you to be compassionate, understand his goals, even believe he may be in the right...but that doesn't make him a good pony. In this fic...don't expect him to ever be able to wear the title of 'a good pony'. He is not a hero.
6723351 Huh, so he's within his youth? That makes sense in theory... I won't object to it then!
As for Tome Tale, it's Seria who hates him not me! I pity the stallion, she outright hates him!
Seria: Hey!
What? You said so yourself! Don't deny it friendo...
6723402 hehehe. hate all you want. so long as you hate him for the person he is (which would make him a well written character) and not because he's a badly written character. XD (If its the latter....eek?)
6723437 Seria: You're joking right? That's... ugh i'm leaving but not before I punch you in the face!
Seria, calm down before things get worse. I do not want another fight caused by you again... oh dear she's going for it...Seria don't...! Gets punched in the face Ouch...
6723491 thats not an answer as to if he's a well written character or not... ^-^;
Fantastic my friend! I haven't been so absorbed in a story like this for so long! ^^ I love your style, and writing flare- it's phenomenal and I can't wait to read more! (I should pace myself though, There's only one other chapter after this one so far! )
I'm excited for the rest of it! Fantastic job, truly!
6800453 thank you for the kind review. ^^ The next chapter should actually be out soon! It's fully written and currently with my editor, he'll have that finished in the next week and a half. And I'm writing chapter 5 as we speak. :) Do you have a favourite character yet?
Usually, no one ever makes genuine use of structure to tell a story, but this intro seems to embrace structure and use it to give pointers about the narrator, even though they tell very little about themselves as a character. Nuances like the way Tome frequently makes single statements into their own separate paragraphs and their choice to describe themselves first as a smart pony after their own name are hints at their personality.
I cannot claim to know Tome as a character yet, but it still remains intriguing to take a guess based on their narration style.
A solid introduction.
6819181 Thank you so much. ^^ I'm glad you enjoy it. :) Though, like most people, you may grow to hate tome...he's not a badly written character, many have said he's very well written. But the problem is...erm...he's an asshole. XD
6819304 Ahh, no, the spoilers! But a jerk protagonist is not always a bad thing. I think I can tolerate most despicable characters... unless your protagonist becomes a slaver king or something. Hehe.
6820162 lol...no no no...not a slaver king... erm... well... lets just say I plan to make my audience support and root for Tome...but I don't actually want them to like him. XD He's a fucking prick.
6820219
Yeah... right... sure.
Interesting... a few grammar issues. But I like.
That was good. More!
6836085 there may be more today. ^^ if we're lucky.
6837349 If we're lucky? You under-estimate me good sir.
6836085 If you see it, please point it out. I'm the editor, so if something slips by I'd really like to know so that it can be fixed.
This protagonist's so darn pretentious that even his redeeming acts come off as bittersweet and token. But I have to say, I enjoy how consistent his narration is with his personality.
A powerful way to build up a menace. So much foreboding encapsulated within one line, which was terrifically worded, by the way. And it remains subtle enough, so that the reader requires just that much to know what a threat 'Steam Bolt' is.
Finally, a chance to see Tome in a vulnerable position! And how lovely the humiliation is. I would remove the "I defended portion" however. Perhaps better to combine the two sentences together, so that it appears as though Tome was giving his justification in a low voice, as though embarrassed by how silly his reasoning was.
Though I do like the dynamic of an alternate form of communication, Stranger's staring proves difficult to interpret. In two instances, Stranger watches Tome during binary choices, as though judging whether he will do the right thing or not. However, here, Stranger just watches Tome while he is asking another pony's name. Not much a choice or any moral dilemma. It seems to me that Stranger is giving some mixed signals with his staring.
"fainted?" I think that was what you were going for. It was just something that broke me out of the story for a moment, unfortunately.
For an introduction chapter, it quickly establishes right away the peculiarities of our character and his general attitude toward others. As far as I could see, there were no plot holes or real immersion-breaking moments, aside from the nitpicks above. I really enjoyed the exploration of character, since Tome Tale could easily come off as a pretentious jerk with hypocritical morals. But the story goes out of its way to demonstrate that he has way more complexity than his attitude may give away.
A minor gripe I have, though, is with the narration at certain points. It feels disconnected at times from the events occurring in the story. For instance, the beginning scene has Tome receive a direct hit to the face, but rather than have that hit snap Tome back to the present situation, it comes off as an uninvited interruption to his narration. Just an "ouch" and a "That kinda hurt." Certainly, Tome is not that much of a hardened fighter that he can just shrug off those hits; he is a self-proclaimed egghead after all. What I think is that the narration should be more integrated with the character's experiences in the story, so that the reader is not put at a distance.
Nevertheless, the chapter had me engaged and excited for more.
6890535 yay thank you so much for the great review. I sincerely hope you read more and continue to review the chapters as you do. :) I agree with all your points, and in fact you'll find said interruption to his internal monologues based on real world experiences in later chapters quite often. ^-^ So I hope you'll be pleased with that. keep reading, and I hope you enjoy the chapters as they unfold.
With how disjointed and quickly cut these sentences are, this paragraph conveys tension in almost an action-movie format of editing (if that makes any sense). However, I feel that such formatting is not very ideal for this situation, since Tome Tale usually takes his time with the narration, as though he were in control at all times.
That line is a little confusing. 'Curious sentence structure for a child.' Perhaps I am missing something here and not seeing something plainly clear, but it broke my immersion.
Oh god. He said that with a 'casual shrug.' What a sadistic jerk! ;) That was a wonderful character moment.
Tome Tale, as intelligent and perceptive as he is, should have probably learned that lesson the first time. Oh well, he at least learns.
I am not sure I completely agree with having this sentence. It is one thing to show you are on top and in control, and it is another distracting thing to show that Tome Tale has a serious case of attention deficit disorder. Perhaps it would have been better to show him getting angry over the hoof at his neck, because it was impairing his ability to talk his way out of the situation.
I absolutely love this exchange. So much said through what was left unsaid.
Not sure if that was intentional putting those phrases together, but I got a laugh out of that.
Lovely consistency.
I cannot help but notice how Buckshot went from appraising Stranger and soaking in the fact he was meeting his childhood hero to immediately treating his idol with disgust. It would seem more probable Buckshot would be hurt and have less composure to confront him. The jump to anger seemed way too quick. Just my stance, though.
All my praise for the previous chapter also carry into this one. You have a wonderful way of developing interactions among characters who are all barely tolerating one another. Especially those between Tome Tale and Sonnet. Those have proven far more entertaining than the one-sided chats between Stranger and Tome. Lucky's presentation is also a great outlet for a different side of Tome, one more scarred and vulnerable.
Not much I could say in the negative aside from those issues above. I certainly do think Tome Tale's nonchalance about staring death in the face is not the best way of presenting his confidence. He can be savvy and supremely arrogant, but he cannot possibly be oblivious to clear threats and the possibility of getting shot on a whim as he was, when Sonnet pulled a gun on him.
Another satisfying chapter, overall!
6914229
Yeah, that did come out disjointed. I meant it to be slightly disjointed, but not nearly as much as it came out to be. I wanted it slightly disjointed because Tome is actually slightly racist against pegasus. He doesn't like to show it much and will often hide it because he's aware that such prejudice does not prove conducive to most situations, but such irrational ideals as that (though he believes they are perfectly rational) are often punctuated with a knee-jerk mental reaction to being exposed to them. I tried to convey that reaction in his thought process about the pegasus.
She's very young. The inflection and curiosity in which she said the simple words "what's going on?" was not like a child. Children prefer to say things quickly. "Wha?" or "What's that?" For any situation. The manner in which she approached the sentence and the way she said it was spoken more like a well educated teenager than a child. Now I'm not saying children can't say that simple sentence. But to someone that reads body language and understands the basics of psychology, there is a level of inflection within sentences that can bely someones intelligent use of them. Not just what they say, but how they say it. This is however, difficult to describe in a book, so I simply had Tome pick up on it quickly, and let the reader have faith in him. ^^
Tomes personal habit and instinctual reaction to piss off other ponies often overcomes his intelligence. While he is smart and learned, yes, he often talks his way out of situations. But if he can't, and if he might actually die, he'd rather do it with a grin on his face and the guy pulling the trigger having fury in their eyes. So if he cant talk his way out of a situation, he'll piss them off. But it does have a habit of getting him hit a lot.
That may be me projecting. ^^ I actually have ADHD, and I've been in situations during fights before when my focus has been more on my surroundings and internal thoughts that the fighting. I'd notice the pebble. I'd be annoyed at the pebble. I'd be thinking how much better this would be without the bloody pebble. XD So yeah, that's probably entirely me projecting a bit too much on Tome there. lol.
Entirely intentional. ^^
This was actually 100% intentional. You see, there is a history with Buckshot and slavers. Lets just say the very concept of 'slaving' is one that buckshot cannot stand. It doesnt make him upset, it makes him fucking angry. which is why he really doesnt like tome throughout all of this. When he see's his childhood hero hanging out with a slaver, he feels betrayed. but his hurt doesnt translate into just being upset, he's got a lit fuse, and his emotions are always 'angry'. I have a big backstory for him, so its all well within character. ^^ But lets just say you dont want to piss him off. lol
Thank you so much for your comments. and I look forward to more. ^^ I have a new chapter coming out this month. :) And I'm glad. I dont plan on tome and strangers relationship to be entertaining, they were never meant to be the entertainment drive of the story. I have roles for everyone when it comes to driving the story either through comedy or interaction. and tome and strangers interaction wasn't ever going to be the centre. Stranger is tomes anchor. he keeps tome in line. with looks, with expectations. He is the one that stops tome from going too far, and becoming a bad pony. Right now, tome is a good pony, an asshole, but he's a good pony. He wont go out of his way to save you, but he certainly wont hurt you, which in the wasteland, makes him a good pony. Stranger keeps him that way. The comedic value will come from other areas. ^-^ (and yes, tome and sonnet is one of them. hehehehe )