Applejack takes the necessary time to give Winona a thorough bath. This bath is different though.
Or it isn't. Applejack hates it regardless.
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Astrarian
Joined 1st May, 2015 ·
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They need to write happy fanfics about their pets not tragic and sad sacks.
6435919 Believe me, I agree with you. This one is sad because over in the Hazardous Materials group we were spotlighting sad fics and I thought the prompt could be approached in a sad way. So then I was inspired to try it. But hey, at least Winona didn't die.
Hey there. Normally I don't ever post comments on random stories I just pass by, but I checked out your profile and you stated specifically that you're here to learn and would like to get criticism. So just for that, I decided to make an exception.
There's a lot to talk about your story, which, first of all, let me say isn't BAD. There's a good story in everything, I believe, so I think just to help you out a little, I'll talk about some of the mechanical things that you could be doing better, and limit it to the start of the story, because believe me, if I had the time, I could really go on and on and on. So I'm gonna pick out a couple of things and give you maybe 5 or so tips.
So, let's begin.
This paragraph reads a bit odd. Remember that Paragraphs are primarily to arrange and sort information by ideas or subjects or topics. In this case, the subject jumps around quite a lot. As a good standard rule, you ought to keep the same subject for every paragraph. This jumps from Winona to Applejack from an ambiguous 'she'. We assume the 'she' is Applejack, since that was the subject of the previous paragraph. This is why it's important to keep it standard. In reading, there's a lot of assumptions made, and you have a problem of ambiguity. I notice a lot of your paragraphs jump from subject to subject, and that eventually can lead to ambiguity and confusion about who everyone is. This is especially so when you have to use a lot of gender pronouns, and the 'she's start to blend into each other. Try to split them up, or make sure that everything is written from one character's specific pov in any given paragraph. That's the point. Because when the next paragraph comes, then the next character can present their pov or speak or whatever.
"Her face streamed with tears" is another ambiguous line because it can be read two ways. In one way, (her face was streamed with tears) the whole thing becomes ungrammatical because it is a sentence fragment. The other reading (her face started streaming with tears) makes that phrase clunky. The problem with this is that as a reader, I can't tell which mistake you made.
Either you meant: “This is the worst thing ever!” the filly shouted, her face streamed with tears.
Or you meant: “This is the worst thing ever!” the filly shouted. Tears started streaming down her face.
Knowing how to avoid these kinds of things allows for smoother reading. It's the writer's job to communicate properly to the reader. The reader cannot assume which one you meant, because in certain cases, it changes things dramatically.
Before this, you had never established that she was in a tub, you had never established what was going on, and therefore when this line drops, we're trying to figure out what exactly is going on. Unless you intended to hide this from the audience from the start (but why would this be the case?) you do actually need to spend the time to do establishing shots. This is a part of ambiguity as well, because a reader has to fill in the blanks when they read anything. Their minds create what the writer doesn't explicitly state. So when something happens in the text that radically or suddenly changes the picture the reader has in their minds, it causes a jarring shift, and the reader stumbles. The writer always has to establish their scenes ADEQUATELY enough. This does not mean you have to describe every single little thing, but just enough that the reader has a clear picture of what's going on. If it's necessary, then name it. If it's not, then it's alright to leave it out. For example, you don't always have to talk about the weather unless the weather plays a part in circumstances. In this case, you do need to set up the scene before action happens. You can't fire a gun if the gun's not there.
This one's a bit difficult so I'm going to not be harsh, but this is not how you use a semicolon. A semicolon is used to join two independent clauses of contrasting or related ideas without the use of a conjunction. 'Although' is a conjunction, and the second clause is a direct continuation of the same idea. All you need as a comma here.
Same here. You're nearly right with this. But this is an clarification of the first point. You'd want a dash or a regular colon here. Semicolons are used more to talk about the same subject but with a connection that lies between the strength of a comma and the distance of a period. It's very hard to put it into exact terms, but I can tell you that it doesn't apply here anyway, since that clarification warrants the colon or dash.
Pooled... where? Her tongue is the subject of the sentence. All things in direction to it refer to it. You're saying the drool pooled there at her tongue. Not from her tongue, not at the floor under her tongue, but sort of coalescing on and about her tongue itself. It just reads funny. Not to mention that she's standing up from what I can tell, so her saliva is sort of just either pooling in her mouth like a camel or floating near her tongue in front of her.
Anyway, I'll stop here. But these are just some of the things I noticed when reading through. By no means are you a bad writer. You just need to work on making your stuff clearer and more cohesive. You already avoid quite a number of other silly writing errors that other writers make, and I can see that you at least have a good foundation. Just work at it.
Please continue writing and please continue practicing. Read more good writers. Published stuff. Remember that popularity here doesn't equate to good writing. Learn to discern and remember to always be open to learning.
Have a good day.
6436140 I cannot thank you enough for the feedback. I'd actually love it if you went on and on but we all have real lives. I think many mechanical aspects could be caught if I had a prereader, right? I'll try to find one for my next story.
Thank you again.
6436677
It would help, definitely. I am afraid I have not much time in my daily life to help others as I used to. But I would say definitely get a pre reader. I myself have 3, and I like to think I write some passably okay stories. One thing I will say, however, is that your pre reader is like a second mind. They spot what your tunnel vision can't, and they offer perspective. HOWEVER, and without sounding rude, you have to understand that pre readers are NOT infallible. You have to make sure you agree with them. And there is no point in getting a pre reader whose English skills are worse than yours is, or else it would just be the blind leading the blind.
Try to look for a good one who can communicate ideas and knows what they're doing.
Good luck. If you have any other questions, feel free to contact me or check out my user page if you want more tips or examples.
Feel free to read a story or two of mine. I am told I'm pretty good with descriptive tone and dialogue.
6436794 I will indeed feel free to check out a couple of your stories. Thank you once more and I'll try my best to take your advice!
6447167 Hello again! Thanks for taking the time to critique my stuff. I really appreciate it.
That's a good point! I probably spent too much time on dialogue and neglected the actual structure and word choice - although I won't lie, it did occur to me a couple of times. I actually stopped enjoying this piece as I was writing it and didn't spend a lot of time editing, which to my eyes is obvious as I read over it again. Ugh.
Thank you for the criticism, and I hope to do better in my next attempt.
And finally I remember to give you the upvote for this I decided on months ago! Not having a pet myself, I suspect this was never going to be quite as emotionally involving for me as it would be for those with dogs, but I still appreciate how the bond is portrayed. The twist definitely makes it a stronger story than the one I thought it was going to be, too.