• Member Since 30th May, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 19th, 2018

SterlingC


A PhD student in biochemistry who tries to write on the side

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In an effort to find her calling in life and get her cutie mark, Sweetie Belle calls upon Fluttershy to help her learn how to sing.

Meanwhile, Rarity and the Pony Tones are growing in fame. At one of their more recent performances, a famed music critic praises their work, inviting them to the 5th annual Equestrian Barbershop Singers Competition.

The Pony Tones have already shocked the town once with the "Filli Vanilli" fiasco. It's time for them to take it to the Equestrian level.

Full credit goes to Mrcbleck for this amazing cover art!

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 20 )

What a nice start to a cute story! :twilightsmile:

I like the idea for this story so far and wanna see where it goes, but there are quite a few problems with it. Right away you keep repeating the fact that Sweetie Belle got there first in the first paragraph.

Sweetie Belle arrived at the Cutie Mark Crusaders treehouse at Applebloom’s property earlier than Applebloom and Scootaloo. The meeting was set for 10:00 am but she was the first to arrive. Since Sweetie Belle arrived a few minutes early, she decided to sing In the Good ‘Ole Summertime.

Right now this feel like the exact same sentence said three times and its really disjointing. In general the wording of this fic really takes away from any emersion.

Like your lack of consistency on Sweetie Belle's location in or around the clubhouse when she is singing with the birds. At first you say she is outside the clubhouse, then you say she is on top of the clubhouse, but then AB and Scoots hear her inside the clubhouse and then they enter the clubhouse and find Sweetie singing in there.

Plus instead of Applebloom's property, it should be Sweet Apple Acres and Big Mac actually couldn't sing with the ponytones in the "Filli Vanilli" episode because he lost his voice trying to do a turkey call. Unless this is another incident after the episode and you'll talk about the turkey flu in the next chapter.

I suggest highly to get someone to proof read and help edit this for you because as is, its a struggle to keep reading more. I won't vote for now but I'll track this to see what your next chapter will be like and judge then.

Also:

Sweetie Belle has a great voice, and you’re great with the scooter! We each have our special talents!”

So they are crusading for their special talent, which will give them their cutie mark, when Applebloom doesnt even realise she already knows what their special talents are? Silly Applebloom! :rainbowlaugh:

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Finally a guy who critiques my writing! I'm in sore need of a person who can find my repetition problems and ambiguous language since I tend to do that quite a bit.

Would you mind being my proofreader? You'll get full credit for being my first editor and you get a sneak preview of every chapter!

Also, I made the edits you suggested! I hope it's better!

Don't need the characters saying what there doing, , , "Let's go knock on the door" etc, (that's the writers job)

img05.deviantart.net/fc3e/i/2015/248/d/c/fin_by_hillbe-d98jwoz.jpg

Alright, so I read this chapter. There's a lot that can be improved, as Cheesey Burger said, getting rid of repetitions, cleaning up sentence structure, and improving dialogue.

That said, I can tell that you are a talented writer. The story presented here is quite nice, and the characters and their interactions feel genuine. You have a knack for giving voice to settings and situations. You just need to refine your words, and not over explain details.

Example:

“Hey… who could that be?!” Applebloom asked her fellow crusader. Scootaloo shrugged and scratched her head.

“I dunno! But whoever it is, she’s got an amazing voice!” Scootaloo then remembered that Sweetie Belle was still unaccounted for among the Crusaders!

Here, you could edit out certain lines to make the flow more succinct and interesting. First, get rid of "her fellow crusader". The story establishes that it's Applebloom and Scootaloo in the scene, so we know when Applebloom asks something, it's towards Scootaloo.

The sentence starting with "Scootaloo shrugged" is technically fine, but it could revised to be more in the present tense. Thus you might change it to "Scootaloo shrugged, scratching her head."

As for: “I dunno! But whoever it is, she’s got an amazing voice!” Scootaloo then remembered that Sweetie Belle was still unaccounted for among the Crusaders!, I would personally make the second part shorter. Something like "Scootaloo then thought of Sweetie Belle's absence."

There are many more edits like these that could be made. But don't feel as if I am putting you or your work down, because I am not. Despite the flaws, I see great potential within this story. You have a structure set up and pieces fit in, it just needs refining.

I will read and critique the other chapters soon.

As for this one, I just have to say that there are some things to fix, but overall, I enjoy the story, and you do a fine job establishing the characters and setting.

I hope my critique is helpful, and not too harsh. If you wish for me to go more in depth, I can certainly do so. And remember to practice and keep on writing!

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With all that in mind, do you know of any editors or proofreaders to check for the repetition? It's hard for me to find them all, even as I speak each sentence out loud. I also assume that I have to talk about every detail that goes on within the scene, including their head movements. What things do I assume what things do I not assume in my writing?

Thanks for the compliments too. I used to roleplay a lot, so it's easier for me to make characters come alive if I want to. The hard part's writing it without sounding repetitive or unnecessary. Since I don't get much constructive critique on my writing, it's hard for me to improve. A friend told me that roleplaying's really different from story-writing, and I'm really noticing those differences now.

I'll definitely make the necessary changes that you pointed out, but yeah... any editors I can talk to?

I find this to be a vert charming story and I cannot wait for it to be updated. Best of luck

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Thanks! :pinkiehappy: I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far!

Fun fact: You hear this song in Disney's Cars!

This is true, and it was via the original version, which was a top 10 R&B hit in 1954:

(Courtesy of Atlantic Recording Corporation, by arrangement with Warner Music Group Online Licensing)

And, since this was an R&B song in '54, it had to be snatched up for the pop market by this Canadian pop quartet:

(Courtesy of Mercury Records, under license from Universal Music Enterprises)

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Absolutely true! Wooo someone knows their music history! :pinkiehappy: I chose The Overtones version just cause it sounded more boopy and that I thought the Pony Tones were named off that group.

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I chose The Overtones version just cause it sounded more boopy and that I thought the Pony Tones were named off that group.

I don't think the people at Hasbro/DHX have ever heard of the Overtones before this story came out, so I don't think that was the case.

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Who knows? Still a funny coincidence though.

6437011 *chuckles* Yes, I would imagine that indeed be a funny coincidence.

The last few sentences are a repeat from earlier in the chapter.

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Gosh darn, I thought I caught that! Not sure what happened, but I somehow managed to copy my word doc into fimfiction twice, and I didn't delete all of it it seems... Thanks!

Lovely chapter If a bit short. Keep up this story because it is amazing.

You should ask Paulsaran for a review.

“Scootaloo, do you know what it feels like to have thousands of ponies staring at you, scrutinizing you and hounding you for every little mistake you make?! Do you know what it’s like to be placed in the newspaper for what’s called a ‘performance with much left desiring’?! Or to know that your music sales are really slow because everypony thinks you have a clucky voice?!” ranted the squeaking, angry filly. Sweetie Belle let out a series of quick breaths, while Scootaloo froze in place.

In my headcanon, that's exactly the way it was in 1970s Equestrian Music. Sweetie Belle would be quite popular on those charts in the 1970s in my headcanon, with Apple Bloom and Babs Seed having very similar positions in that corner, largely due to their solo work and their work with other famous EQ performers during this decade, while Scootaloo had slower music sales. In the 1980s, this would probably be reversed: Scootaloo would probably have risen very high up on the charts (with Apple Bloom and Babs Seed coming second-place only due to her rise, although their sales would still be big and strong and fast) whilst Sweetie Belle would (I'd probably guess) enter a slump in the middle of the decade. I think that she would successfully come back in 1996 though, and her fans would probably not forget her at all. This is demonstrated in some of my early blogs for this website.

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