Find the Music in You

by SterlingC

Chapter 1: The Good ole Summertime

Author's Note:

To start off this fic, here's the song that Sweetie Belle's been singing.

Sweetie Belle arrived at the Cutie Mark Crusaders treehouse in Sweet Apple Acres earlier than Applebloom and Scootaloo. The meeting was set for 10:00 am but nopony else was in the treehouse! Since there wasn't much else to do, Sweetie Belle decided to sing In the Good ‘Ole Summertime. It was a favourite tune of hers, especially with Ponyville in the middle of a delightful summer with the birds on the trees and the soft breeze blowing into the treehouse through its square openings.

A yellow bird landed at a tree branch just outside the treehouse. As Sweetie Belle continued to sing inside the treehouse, a few more birds with different colours landed beside the yellow bird. Once the birds landed, they tweeted alongside Sweetie Belle’s melody in complete harmony, leaving Sweetie Belle delighted. Singing was always something Sweetie Belle enjoyed doing. She never saw it as a career choice, nor did she ever think of singing in front of other ponies. She just wanted to sing for fun. Sweetie Belle giggled as the birds continued to sing along with her rendition of her favourite song.

“I have no idea what you’re saying to me birdies, but I can tell you’re having a lot of fun with my singing,” Sweetie Belle spoke. The birds simply tweeted along, flapping their wings, as if they were directing Sweetie Belle to continue singing.

“So you birds aren’t going to leave huh? I guess I could keep singing… I love singing In the Good ‘Ole Summertime after all!” Sweetie Belle squeaked. “After all, it’s such a peaceful day, perfect for a happy song!” smiled a carefree Sweetie Belle before she sang once again, not realizing that her friends were already five minutes late for their meeting.

While Sweetie Belle was atop the treehouse singing to her heart’s content, Applebloom and Scootaloo were trotting towards their beloved treehouse for another Cutie Mark Crusaders’ meeting. They just came back from Ponyville after helping Applejack unload her crates of apples and apple-related sweets to sell for today’s farmer’s market. The two fillies were exhausted, making them late for their meeting.

As they arrived at the clubhouse fatigued and worn, their spirits were suddenly lifted by a beautifully singing mare! Applebloom, completely stunned at the beautiful voice, stopped just short of the treehouse’s ladder, pointing at the top.

“Hey… I think somepony's singing in our treehouse!” exclaimed Applebloom. Scootaloo shrugged, scratching her head.

“Whoever that is, she's got an amazing voice,” Scootaloo then recalled Sweetie Belle's absence.

“Wait… what if that’s Sweetie Belle?! She didn’t come with us to help Applejack earlier, and our meeting is supposed to start a few minutes ago!” Scootaloo gasped, quickly rushing up the wooden ladder to the treehouse.

“Hey, wait up!” Applebloom screamed as she ran up the ladder closely behind Scootaloo.

Up at the treehouse, the birds flew away. Sweetie Belle was left alone to her fellow Crusaders as they entered.

“Hey Sweetie Belle!” Scootaloo jumped up to greet the lone filly.

“Sweetie Belle… was that you singing up there?!” Applebloom inquired just as she grabbed her right hoof on the floorboards of the treehouse. Sweetie Belle looked up with a light blush.

“Oh, yeah! That was me! Why?!” Sweetie Belle sheepishly grinned.

“Wow Sweetie Belle… you sure got an amazing voice! We’ve heard you sing once when we performed at the talent show, but we’ve never heard you sing like that before!” Applebloom jumped up excitedly as she entered the treehouse as Scootaloo nodded in agreement.

“Yeah! What song were you singing there?” Scootaloo asked with a warm smile.

“Oh! It’s a song my parents liked to sing to me. They always listened to it back in the old days. It’s called In the Good ‘Ole Summertime! I figured I’d sing it while you guys were still on your way here,” Sweetie Belle explained. It was then that the other two Crusaders forgot to apologize for being late.

“Oh yeah! We’re sorry for being late," spoke Applebloom.

"Yeah. Applejack wanted us to help her unload some apple crates since Big Mac went down with the cold,” added Scootaloo.

“Oh it’s alright! The birds came by to sing with me! I never knew the birds wanted to sing with me that badly!” Sweetie Belle gleefully jumped.

“Oh wow… you must really have a great voice!” Scootaloo sang as Applebloom and Sweetie Belle covered their ears.

“Oh Scootaloo! Please don’t sing again! We were the best comedic act when you sang, not the best singers, remember?!” Sweetie Belle complained. Scootaloo immediately closed her mouth and pouted.

“Hey! You, Sweetie Belle, were too scared to be the lead singer, so I had to step in remember?!” Scootaloo quipped back, crossed her hooves, and grunted.

“Well, singing in front of an audience isn’t the same thing as singing without anypony watching you!” Sweetie Belle snapped back. As the two fillies exchanged growls at each other, Applebloom waved her hooves between them.

“Guys! We can’t keep arguing like this! Sweetie Belle has a great voice, you're great with the scooter, and I'm learning how to construct things! We each got something good to work on!” mediated the yellow filly. The two fillies stopped bickering against each other, giving out deep breaths. Applebloom then let out a breath herself.

“There! That’s better! Now, let’s help Sweetie Belle develop her talent! We're the Cutie Mark Crusaders after all, and for all we know, her special talent is singing!” Applebloom continued. Scootaloo nodded, while Sweetie Belle placed her hooves around her eyes and scrunched down in place.

“Anyway, I think we should try to find Sweetie Belle a teacher so she can develop her voice!” proposed the joyous yellow filly. Sweetie Belle’s voice was a talent not to be wasted! Sweetie Belle remained squirmed on the floorboards. Scootaloo took notice and trotted to her side.

“Sweetie Belle… I’m sorry about making fun of you about being scared of singing in front of other ponies,” Scootaloo apologized. “I didn’t like it when you poked at my singing, especially since you have such a talented voice that you don’t want to show!” Sweetie Belle slowly got up, shuffling her hooves around and giving a weak nod.

“Ok… I guess I can at least take some singing lessons, since you both have a lot of faith in my singing,” Sweetie Belle slowly gave a smile. “But please don’t make me sing in front of other ponies!” Sweetie Belle requested.

“We won’t. We understand! But we do want to see you singing eventually!” Applebloom squeed with a wide grin.

“Maybe… just maybe,” Sweetie Belle giggled. “But definitely not now,” Sweetie Belle asserted with a head shake.

“Well, that’s settled! Now we just need to find you a teacher!” Scootaloo cheered.

“How about Fluttershy?! She was the lead singer when the Pony Tones were still at their peak and when Big Mac lost his voice doing the turkey call!” Applebloom proposed, pumping her hooves up in the air! Sweetie Belle had no objections, responding with a smile. On the other hand, Scootaloo happily jumped!

“That’s a great idea! I’m sure Fluttershy will accept!” Scootaloo pumped her fist upwards before she trotted out of the treehouse and called the others onward,

“Come on you guys! Let’s head over to Fluttershy’s place! Maybe she’s there right now!” Applebloom and Sweetie Belle ran out, calling for Scootaloo to wait up as the three fillies frantically ran towards Fluttershy’s house…

Comments

[LotusTeaDragon]

What a nice start to a cute story!

[Cheesey Burger]

I like the idea for this story so far and wanna see where it goes, but there are quite a few problems with it. Right away you keep repeating the fact that Sweetie Belle got there first in the first paragraph.

Sweetie Belle arrived at the Cutie Mark Crusaders treehouse at Applebloom’s property earlier than Applebloom and Scootaloo. The meeting was set for 10:00 am but she was the first to arrive. Since Sweetie Belle arrived a few minutes early, she decided to sing In the Good ‘Ole Summertime.

Right now this feel like the exact same sentence said three times and its really disjointing. In general the wording of this fic really takes away from any emersion.

Like your lack of consistency on Sweetie Belle's location in or around the clubhouse when she is singing with the birds. At first you say she is outside the clubhouse, then you say she is on top of the clubhouse, but then AB and Scoots hear her inside the clubhouse and then they enter the clubhouse and find Sweetie singing in there.

Plus instead of Applebloom's property, it should be Sweet Apple Acres and Big Mac actually couldn't sing with the ponytones in the "Filli Vanilli" episode because he lost his voice trying to do a turkey call. Unless this is another incident after the episode and you'll talk about the turkey flu in the next chapter.

I suggest highly to get someone to proof read and help edit this for you because as is, its a struggle to keep reading more. I won't vote for now but I'll track this to see what your next chapter will be like and judge then.

Also:

Sweetie Belle has a great voice, and you’re great with the scooter! We each have our special talents!”

So they are crusading for their special talent, which will give them their cutie mark, when Applebloom doesnt even realise she already knows what their special talents are? Silly Applebloom!

[SterlingC]

6422270

Finally a guy who critiques my writing! I'm in sore need of a person who can find my repetition problems and ambiguous language since I tend to do that quite a bit.

Would you mind being my proofreader? You'll get full credit for being my first editor and you get a sneak preview of every chapter!

Also, I made the edits you suggested! I hope it's better!

[SterlingC]

6422166

Thanks a ton!

[obake]

Alright, so I read this chapter. There's a lot that can be improved, as Cheesey Burger said, getting rid of repetitions, cleaning up sentence structure, and improving dialogue.

That said, I can tell that you are a talented writer. The story presented here is quite nice, and the characters and their interactions feel genuine. You have a knack for giving voice to settings and situations. You just need to refine your words, and not over explain details.

Example:

“Hey… who could that be?!” Applebloom asked her fellow crusader. Scootaloo shrugged and scratched her head.

“I dunno! But whoever it is, she’s got an amazing voice!” Scootaloo then remembered that Sweetie Belle was still unaccounted for among the Crusaders!

Here, you could edit out certain lines to make the flow more succinct and interesting. First, get rid of "her fellow crusader". The story establishes that it's Applebloom and Scootaloo in the scene, so we know when Applebloom asks something, it's towards Scootaloo.

The sentence starting with "Scootaloo shrugged" is technically fine, but it could revised to be more in the present tense. Thus you might change it to "Scootaloo shrugged, scratching her head."

As for: “I dunno! But whoever it is, she’s got an amazing voice!” Scootaloo then remembered that Sweetie Belle was still unaccounted for among the Crusaders!, I would personally make the second part shorter. Something like "Scootaloo then thought of Sweetie Belle's absence."

There are many more edits like these that could be made. But don't feel as if I am putting you or your work down, because I am not. Despite the flaws, I see great potential within this story. You have a structure set up and pieces fit in, it just needs refining.

I will read and critique the other chapters soon.

As for this one, I just have to say that there are some things to fix, but overall, I enjoy the story, and you do a fine job establishing the characters and setting.

I hope my critique is helpful, and not too harsh. If you wish for me to go more in depth, I can certainly do so. And remember to practice and keep on writing!