You are the most talented, most interesting, and most extraordinary person in the universe. And you are capable of amazing things. Because you are the reader. And you bring our worlds to life.
After Twilight Time officially ended, Twilight decided to spend that time treating herself, once a week, before quickly working it back off. It was there, that she met a waiter, who offered profound advice, seemingly for her every predicament.
Page generated in 0.136 seconds
Total duration
1,101 users online
1,915,819 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Trailing off, not tailing. Not sure if Twi wants to be tailing her thoughts.
Hmm, that waiter sounds a lot like me, or rather the old me which feels really odd since it makes me feel if I ever made other feel like Twilight did at the end. I hope not.
The ending feel like it should be continued but I guess it stands well enough on it's own.
6415145 Thought I grabbed those, lemme fix that.
6415346 I was trying to show that some people will share their life, and expect others to do so without realising that some may not want to tell people that stuff. I mean, some people don't like to talk out their problems, it makes them feel like complainers. Another experiment of mine essentially
6415457 I see. Well, I hope to see more of these experiments in the future.
6415469 A lot of my one shots are experiments. You could start there.
Makes you think about all the people we interact with. Thoughtful, though sad. Applicable to most every reader's experience, and possibly autobiographical?
Unsolicited critique: I can sense the impact that you were trying to make, but the punch feels pulled, somehow. I think the waiter could have acted more emotionally, shown more outrage, or tears, acted mortally hurt, etc. Additionally, and possibly more importantly, I feel that you gave too few sentences to Twilight's reaction. (Twilight stands in for the reader in your story and we feel her pain.) I can see that she could have been shattered, thinking that she had possibly found a new mentor, or even a new friend. More of a bang than a whimper being "taken aback" and "didn't go back the next week", to me at least. What did she think about it; what context did she put it in, as she had put the comments at the beginning of the story? I know your writing; it's incredibly strong; this might be a throw-away story, but there is heart to be found herein. It isn't my right to ask, but I'd very much like to see a few revisions to the ending. Pardon my temerity.
Some miscellanea:
4th pp: The sentence "To see something you need...” needs an em-dash or a semicolon instead of the second comma.
8th pp - last clause incomplete. Missing the word who? Incorrect verb writing?
Further down: because the subject of the introductory clause is singular, "baby birds need” would sound better if it were “a baby bird needs”
Hoof in mouth. She is a princess. This is a friendly gesture amongst friends. I don't think the waiter would do this. Raise is voice perhaps? Wave frantically? Just put up a hoof suddenly?
6415539 Alright, I'll make some revisions to make her reaction more shocked. When I have time.
6415539 Better?
6416369
I will give it a fresh read tomorrow. Btw, I love your tag line in the bio about readers. So true. Readers bring our stories to life.
6416581
It's based off the lego movie.
Overall, it's an improvement. Though the hoof in mouth is disrespectful toward a princess, it now makes more sense as Twilight insisted on prying against the waiter's warning. Now I understand he is consistently shallow and crass, and I can see that Twilight naively did not read him correctly. Now that I see that the substitute waiter addresses Twilight properly and he never does, his character is now consistent and predictable. (I may have missed that in my first read, or is that new, too?).
Twilight seems to read as a bit more effected by the incident than before, though I'm not seeing any change you may have made there. Where as I like implying her tears by making her food saltier, the food is already salty, so it comes off as a bit cute. My opinion, anyway.
BTW, "babys" in your revision should be singular. And in the third to last paragraph you have a pronoun fault: It's apparent that Twilight likes to eat her ears!
At this point, I think you've learned plenty from this story. Not sure another revision would be worth it. Waiting for the next one!
Though I love and have seen the Lego Movie multiple times, your reference went by me. I won't take it badly if you explain it to dense old me...
6420917
6422249 Got it. Still, your tag line does play to my heart. Readers are special.
6422756 Every single one of them.
If you want your privacy kept then keep your distance from your customers. Twilight may have overstepped his boundaries, but his mannerisms made her believe that they were more than strangers.
Huh. That was... surprisingly thought-provoking. I know this isn't the case, but I'm just going to shoot off my mouth for a second. I'm kinda thinking that the waiter is actually a changeling. Sick mother, pays with the job, the use of gender-neutral nouns to describe them, the controlled explosive reaction towards his family, the signs are all there. I know that this isn't the case but I would love to see something bloom out of this. My mind keeps running back to how Twilight never goes to the Burger Barn again, and I just can't help but see the potential of a great romance story here. Or heck, anything you could think of really! Maybe he could be discovered and she stands up for him, and they then start to pave the way to peaceful relations between the two races, maybe even having a budding romance in it to grow too. You could go Romeo and Juliet style, two star-crossed lovers forbidden to so much as see each other due to their cultural differences. There is an amazing amount of potential for this! But, such as the circle of life continues eternal, we all have lives of our own. I just recommend keeping this story in mind if you ever want something different to write, or you get bored. Whichever works.
7168909 You're welcome to write your own story based on it.
7169020 ... I think I just might... Maybe.
7169098 I look forward to it!
7169187 Might not be for a bit, buuuuut I've been getting a great deal of inspiration and it's re-ignited my interest in writing. A while back I went into a rut while writing my "core" story, I'm trying to do a bit of a multi-verse thing, and I just couldn't figure out how I wanted to do this one part so I kinda ended up on hiatus until I got rid of my writers block. But I think I've actually got an idea that's so crazy, it just might work. Welp, you know what they say. Fuck it, I'm going all-in.
(Edit: WOOHOO! I FINALLY FIGURED OUT THAT ACCURSED START!!!)
7169410
gl!
Huh. The ending feels kind of abrupt, but I feel like it was supposed to. I'm not sure I really got it, but I know there's something there to get. All in all, an interesting read.
This was an interesting read.