• Member Since 23rd Dec, 2013
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Oroboro


Employed layabout with not enough free time to write about horses.


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The Cutie Map calls on Twilight and Rarity in order to investigate the town of Hollow Shades, a gloomy village with a fearful populace and an unsettling fixation on dolls. On top of it all, there's a new leader running the show: a mysterious unicorn known as Lady Mari who protects the town in exchange for their servitude.

For some reason Twilight and Rarity can't shake the feeling that they've seen this all before. But that can't be true—this is just another friendship problem, right?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 16 )

I like this. I really do. :pinkiehappy:

This was fantastic! I was a bit off-put by the quick pacing, but for a one-shot and a contest entry, I loved it. Great atmosphere, action was fun, and seeing Twilight finally be confident in her magical abilities was a real treat.

Hm...

Are you by any chance planning a few other one-shots in the same vein? Because that would be intriguing.

6411505 I love me some open endings that I might continue eventually, but I doubt it in this case. Show starts up again in 2 days, and will tackle the Starlight Glimmer thing soon enough. But for a flash in the pan adventure story, I think it does its job.

6411516

Yeah, I see your point. Still, at the rate the cutie map has been activating (I don't get why they bothered emphasizing it so much in the premiere when it's only come into play once since), there might be a niche for creating a headcanon of additional adventures.

wilight cast a quick spell to contain the energies of the coin and slipped it into her pack.

Pretty sure you meant "button" here.

“I’d slap you,” Rarity drawled, rolling her eyes,

Some sort of mind control, I reckon.

Rarity drawling seems weird, and I don't really see her saying "I reckon" like this.

Anyway, still like this thing overall.

I reviewed this story!

My review can be found here.

Liked it in the write-off, and now I am glad the story is out there for the audience.
Writing good action is not really easy, so congratulations!
Great job!

Favorited entirely to see if I can't get you a signal boost, even the smallest one.

Short, rollicking action adventure that doesn't completely contradict the show is hard to write, but I think you pulled it off here. Congrats.

Mari coughed, wiping at her mouth. “Starlight said that if she lost one of her friends, Twilight would fall apart. I guess she kind of did… wasn’t expecting it to be this personal.”

???? Killing an alicorn best friend in front of her, yet not expect immediate, brutal retribution? I guess Starlight chose Mari because her suicidal level of stupidity.:facehoof:

Just after playing Warcraft III was the perfect time to read this. Loved every minute, and the one button to rule them all cracked me up. I think that what you have going here is actually a much better story than anything Hasbro will come up with for Starlight, you should consider continuing it. :unsuresweetie:

Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.

Well, cool story brah. I like the idea of evil Starlight doing tests on different types of control, mostly when she has the logic not to be directly in harms way. Also, why did Mari ever even think it would be a good idea to murder an alicorn's friend right in front of her? What did she THINK would happen?

P.S. Why do I never know what to write in these comments?!? IT PAINS ME.

and the map seemed to care little for the timing of whatever personal projects they were involved when it called them to action.

involved in

Rarity shivered and drew her scarf closer to her neck.

maybe "tighter around" instead of "closer to?"

and cast a deep, overbearing shadow across the valley the town was nested in..

two periods

Twilight ran smack into Rarity, who had stopped in the middle of the road. Grunting as she rubbed at her head,

When walking normally, pony heads are situated higher than rumps. This is even more true for Twi, who is slightly taller. For Twi to run into Rarity and bump her HEAD, she would have had to be running with her head down, like a charging bull. And even if she were running like that, I'd think she'd rub her horn after the collision, not her head. Rarity should have reacted too - even if horns aren't sharp enough to cut, they're pointy enough to hurt when enough force is applied!

and we were hoping if we could ask you a few questions?”

either "hoping to ask" or "wondering if we could ask."

one that probably would have cost a fortune were it pony sized.

pony-sized

The buildings were ramshackle and worn down, but well repaired.

well-repaired

Twilight whispered, giving Rarity a wink before she puffed herself up and strode forward.

Rarity "puffed herself up" a little while ago.

I read in the Travel Guide to Equestria, sixth edition,

"the" is probably part of the name, so capitalize. I also suggest to either use quotation marks or italicize the title.

“If you’re going to make a mess,” Stein drawled, “at least do it outside. And besides, you’re holding that wrong, Spark. You want your grip to be a little lower.”

This was jarring. Up until this line, Stein was surly, tight-lipped, and a bit threatening. This line doesn't fit at all with that personality - it's downright trolling, especially when it's drawled. It's something Harry Dresden would say.

“It’s fine,” Twilight said as she metaphorically lowered her ‘weapons’,

I suggest just 'weapon', since it's just her horn.

Rarity mumbled under her breath, her neck twisting a she stared,

as

There were at least six doors she could see that lead deeper into the house.

led, not lead.

Twilight glanced over at Rarity, who had been separated from her by appearance of the guards

the appearance

Energy rained down on them both as they turn and fled,

turned

Twilight immediately spun once she made it through doorway and,

the doorway

New dolls lurked in every corner,

perhaps "behind" would be more appropriate, especially since they're waiting to spring out and pounce and stab.

she found a statue holding a well crafted sword,

well-crafted

Twilight screamed, white hot rage filling every fiber of her being.

white-hot. I also dislike "every fiber of her being." It's tacky and overused.

Some sort of mind control, I reckon.

Rarity using the word "reckon?" O_o;

“That’s a pretty cruel joke pull on anypony.”

TO pull. Also, Mari should facehoof at this. "Uh, hello? Super evil villain here? Of course it's cruel."
Instead of pointing out the cruelty, she should point out the uselessness of the tactic. Or her stupidity in throwing away what could have been a hostage.

“Starlight Glimmer… just what in Equestria were you hoping to accomplish here?”

this is way too similar to “Just what were you thinking to accomplish with a trick like that, hmm?” which was just a couple paragraphs prior.

but were apprehensive about their lack of protection from the outside world. and rather miffed that help had come from outsiders rather than from within.

Capitalize and, or change the . to a ,

Probably so she knows more about what we’re capable and our limits the next time.

capable of

I enjoyed the story a lot, and agree that you should submit it to EQD!

That was absolutely stunning in every way, shape and form. :raritystarry:
But did anyone else get a 'Puppet To Her Fame' vibe? :rainbowhuh:

Hap

Forgive me for pointing out typos and such as I notice them, along with my ongoing thoughts on the story.

overbearing shadow across the valley the town was nested in..

Extra period here.

Rarity nodded and set the doll back down, before she made her way back down to the street.

Unnecessary comma.

“The dolls, um. They all belong to our Lady Mari. They’re her gifts to us all.”

Interesting. "Mari" possibly being a Welsh term for "mare" (Welsh has appropriated many English words and just made them welshy so nobody really knows if it's a synonym for caseg. The English did their level best to exterminate Welsh language and culture.) and best known from Mari Lwyd, the name of both the custom and the creepy prop made from a horse skull.

There were at least six doors she could see that lead deeper into the house.

led


Eeeeeh, you lost me in the middle, here where Twilight talks with Mari. The conversation seems forced. Mari's personality seems inconsistent from one sentence to the next, and Twilight and Rarity both seem to be holding the idiot ball. This conversation was clearly set up to build the conflict between Mari and them - not by a clever villain, but by the author.

I wanted to like this, but it feels like work to slog through. The awkward prose was tolerable until the dialogue got too forced. Sorry.

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