• Published 7th Sep 2015
  • 2,038 Views, 17 Comments

Villains Wanted - Xyzpony



Pinkie gets a new set of villains for Ponyville. Let's hope they're better than the last ones.......Based off WANTED! Villainous Villains. Apply Inside!

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Villains Recieved!

It was a dark and stormy night. Outside a plague of locusts was ravaging the countryside. The ever-vigilant Pinkie Pie peered out a window of Twilight's castle and watched as the hungry insects devoured everything in sight. Through the black swarms she could dimly glimpse the outline of ponies running around like crazy. There was an occasional burst of purple magic that could be seen in the distance, but everything else was obscured.

That's what happens when you don't follow the schedule, Pinkie thought to herself. The swarm of locusts wasn't supposed to hit Ponyville for another three days, but due to a printing error the locusts had been given the wrong show date and launched their attack early. Ponyville was hopping mad, but it wasn't their fault they had gotten the wrong information. This is why you can't leave printing to muffin-obsessed mares! It's all about the details. Although a muffin sounds really good right now. Especially a banana muffin. With cherries! And icing. Lots and lots of icing.

But sadly, Pinkie had eaten all of her snacks hours ago. She was tempted to make a quick run back to Sugarcube Corner in spite of the locusts (who were actually really super nice once you got to know them) but she had an important job to do. Equestria needed villains – the best, brightest, and most competent villains the world had to offer. Slip-ups like today's disaster only highlighted the vital role Pinkie played in interviewing villains and picking only the best ones to wage war against the countryside. Without the nomination process that Twilight had established months ago, there would be chaos – utter chaos! Why, there might be locusts in the streets or something. The pink party pony walked back over to her throne and plopped down. She then leaned over her throne, grabbed a resume off a giant stack, and quickly glanced over it. Hmmm she thought to herself. This one shows some promise.

“Next!” she called out.

A pony sized spider crawls up to the throne, his legs clicking as he steps. With a closer look, it is revealed his legs have a metal coat of armor, along with his neck and head. His eyes are bright red, blinking simultaneously. He speaks "I am Sssssssclero. A knight in training from an ancient race losssssst underground."

"Very creepy!" Pinkie said approvingly. "Giant spiders are always a huge hit. You are way scarier than the giant dust bunny that came in here an hour ago. Speaking of bunnies, you don't happen to have any cherry-flavored banana muffins on you, do you? No? Oh well."

Pinkie glanced over the spider's resume. "I see you've been busy! You've won the top scare-er award three years in a row in - um, whatever that smudge is there. You're ambitious - I like that - and you even filled out the right form. So what is your plan to terrorize Equestria?

"I plan to sssssssteal the Spider Eye Ruby from the Canterlot Museum, and use it to open the Ssssssspiderweb Gate to free my people from their underground prisssssson! From there we shall conquer Equestria and the world!" Sclero lets loose a huge maniacal laugh, thunder sounding outside. "Alsssssso, what do you think of the laugh?

"So you want to unleash a whole army of evil armor-clad spiders!" Pinkie exclaimed gleefully. "This just keeps getting better. With your super creepy design, I bet we could witness a whole flood of fan-created artwork, the likes of which haven't been seen since the changeling invasion! I'm seeing huge potential here. If you play your cards right you could end up with a follow-up episode - or maybe a comic book sequel."

Pinkie then paused. "We're probably not going to get many toy tie-ins, though. You don't really have the same mass-market appeal as, say, the Smooze. But I'm loving the concept! Your laugh is totally spectacular - I think it even scared the locusts! Just add a little bass to it and you're golden. So when can you invade? Are you free - " Pinkie quickly checked her calendar - "a week from Thursday? The gnome army cancelled on us, and we have an opening. Or do you prefer weekends? Any allergies I need to be aware of?"

"I'm free. I have nothing elsssssse to do, with my race trapped underground and all." Sclero nodded, clearly happy about how well this was going. "I have a ssssssslight peanut allergy, and I can work on the laugh," Slcero coughed a bit, getting ready. He then let loose a deeper rendition of his earlier laugh, lightning sounding again. "Well, how about now?"

"Perfect!" Pinkie exclaimed. "You nailed it. The lightning is really a nice touch - it clenches the effect. Just remember to reserve that laugh for the key dramatic moments and you should be fine." Pinkie scribbled a note on his application, then handed it back to Sclero. "You're all set! Just hand the blue copy to the receptionist on your way out. You should receive a confirmation in the mail in about three days. If you have a change of plans, or someone squishes you or something, please let us know at least two days in advance so we can fill in the timeslot. I've also made a note to have the Canterlot Museum swept clean of peanuts, so you shouldn't have to worry. Good luck trying to take over the world! I've got a good feeling about this. Remember: don't hold back, be smart, and give it all you've got! We're all counting on you. The giant millipede from last season was such a disappointment."

"Oh, Frank. Yeah, he messsssssed up bad." Sclero nodded. "Anywaysssssss, I need to get back to my web." A loud grumble sounds from Sclero's stomach. "Maybe eat some locustssssss on the way back." Sclero skitters away from the throne, only turning back for a second. "By the way, I may have sssssscared some ponies in capesssssss off with my laugh. Adiossssss!" With that, he jumps on to the celing and walks away, the clicking of his armor growing fainter and fainter.

As the last echoes of Sclero died away, Pinkie Pie stared off into space, puzzled. "Ponies in capes? What ponies in capes? Ponies don't wear capes! Well, not usually, anyway. What could he-" Then Pinkie suddenly remembered. "The Cutie Mark Crusaders! Of course. Well, if his laugh scared them off then imagine what his singing will do! I've got a great song and dance number that - wait. I did talk to him about singing, right?"

Pinkie paused, then shrugged. "Oh well. I'm sure he'll be fine. He had such a deep voice, after all - and it is mentioned in the fine print." The pink pony started to grab the next application off the stack, but then an idea suddenly struck her. She galloped over to the door, opened it, and stared at the long line of villains that were patiently waiting their turn. "All right, everypony, listen up! Whoever brought a snack gets to go next. I am really hungry, and if nobody brought food them I'm going to have to resort to desperate measures. Do you hear me? Desperate. Measures!"

"Me! Me! I brought food!" A hoof raised from the line of villains, holding a cookie. "I slept in and was worried about being late, so I brought a cookie in case I got hungry!" The pony walked to the front, revealing him to be wearing a black Stetson and jacket. His cutie mark was of a lasso and a pair of horns.

Pinkie gasped in delight. "It's a double chocolate chip oatmeal raisin supreme!" She lunged for the cookie, grabbed it out of his hoof, and ate the entire thing before she even hit the ground. She then closed her eyes and let out a happy moan. "That was soooo good. I thought they banned those after the Nightmare Night fiasco of '09! You are a lifesaver." Pinkie opened her eyes and gestured for the pony to follow her inside the throne room. "So, what did you say your name was?

"Wild Rope." The pony said as they entered the throne room. "You have no idea how hard it was to get that cookie. I got hoofed in the face twenty times." Wild Rope held his hoof up to his muzzle as he said this. "It was totally worth every bite! Well, there was only one bite, I guess, but oh what a bite! I will remember that cookie in my dreams." Pinkie trotted over to the stack of applications that was beside her throne, and pulled out the one for Wild Rope. As she began reading it she absent-mindedly sat down on the floor. "So talk to me. How are you going to set the world on fire and bring doom to our fair land?"

"I intend to, with my gang of bandits, steal the buffaloes Golden Feather, which is rumored to hold power over dust." Wild Rope rubs his hooves together. "With it, I shall drown the crops in dust, disintegrate the clouds, and wipe the books of Equestria blank. This lush land will be turned into a desert!"

"Ooh, dust! I like where this is going. Rarity is absolutely going to hate that - it'll get in her mane and drive her nuts. She hates getting dirty. It'll be great!" Pinkie jotted a few notes down on his application. "So, what's your motivation? Do you have some kind of vacuum cleaner business you're hoping to boost, or do you just really like dust? Or is this some kind of complicated money laundering scheme?"

"I was raised on a farm that was constantly battered by dust storms, and when I tried to tell ponies about them, they just laughed it off, saying 'It's just a little dust!'" Wild Rope clenched his hooves, clearly getting into this. "So I want all of Equestria to feel my dusty wrath for not taking me seriously!"

"Oh my goodness - you have a backstory!" Pinkie exclaimed excitedly. She quickly checked a box on his application. "Backstories are hugely popular, especially among the fanbase. Nothing grabs their attention quite like a good origin story. It really helps them feel your pain, you know?" Pinkie scanned over his application one more time and then looked at Wild Rope. "All right. I think you've got a solid plan and will make a terrific villain. Now, Rarity does have a rider in her contract that gives her veto power over plans that might mess up her hooves, but if she bails we can just arrange for her to be out of town that day. I think I can swing this! Is there anything else you'd like to add?"

"Yeah, two things, one has nothing to do with my plan." Wild Rope nodded. "I saw this one pony in a cloak mumbling something about her plan being worthy of a season opener. She also had an awesome evil laugh." He grins. "I think you should have high hopes for that one. Also, should I speak in a accent or something?"

"I love worthy plans!" Pinkie exclaimed happily. "That's so much better than all the unworthy plans I had to sit through this morning. One mare actually wanted to use an army of trained bananas to attack Canterlot. Can you believe it? Bananas! I'm sorry, but bananas just are not threatening. Like, at all."

"So you wanna know about accents, huh? Well, let me tell you, they are not as simple as they look. The wrong accent can totally blow your credibility. If you are gonna be a sinister villain, you want to either play it straight or pick the right sinister sound." Pinkie looked at Wild Rope critically. "This is a big decision - the sort of thing that can make or break you. Fortunately, I am always prepared." The pink pony raced behind her throne and pulled out a pamphlet, and then tossed it to Wild Rope. "This is something I keep handy, just in case there are any accent emergencies. Just follow the 12-step program I've outlined and you should be fine. Remember, the fate of Equestria hangs in the balance!"

"Thanks! I could use some practice." Wild Rope grabbed the pamphlet out of Pinkie's hoof. "Let's hope there isn't another mess up like the locusts." Wild Rope said as he opened the pamphlet.

"That's a good point," Pinkie replied thoughtfully. "I'm pretty sure I triple-checked that pamphlet for errors, but if you see anything in there about mustaches just disregard it. Despite what you may have been told, it is totally possible to have a great accent without a handlebar mustache. Although a mustache might work well for you, what with your Wild West theme and all. You could twirl it when you laugh, or something."

"There is something in here about mustaches. Maybe I could use one." Wild Rope nodded. "So, when exactly am I on? I need to make sure I'm clear for that day."

"Excellent question," Pinkie said thoughtfully. She picked up her calendar and studied it. "Hmmm. It looks like we've got an opening in five weeks - you'll be on right after the zombie attack, but before the giant robot. It'll be on a Saturday morning at 10am precisely. Does that work for you?"

"I'm open then. I think, I usually just make things up as I go along." Wild Rope said. "Anyways, I'll be going now. By the way, the one at the front of the line seems kinda....off. But that's just me. Bye!" With that, Wild Rope heads out the door and closes it behind him.

"A little off, eh?" Pinkie said aloud. "Sounds like fun! Next, please!"

"Geeeheheheeheeee!" Loud laugher sounded as a odd mare jumped through the door and cartwheeled up to the throne. Her mane was spiking up in all directions, along with her tail. She was bright green and her mane was neon red. Her cutie mark was of a multicolored ball with a smiley face on it. She ginned maniacally as she said. "I am Jesteara!"

"Oh my goodness - it's a clown!" Pinkie said happily. "I love clowns! They're one of my favorite things. But Jesteara, the clown tryouts were yesterday. Today we're doing villain tryouts. Are you sure you picked the right day? I mean, unless you are a villain. Are you an evil clown? Do you spread evil laughter?"

"Indeed! I am an EVILLLLLLL clown! My jokes are so funny that ponies laugh themselves unconscious! Might have to do with the laughing gas." Jesteara grinned again. "Also, why would I not be evil, since I am wearing this spontaneous mustache!" A mustache appeared on her muzzle in a poof of smoke. "I am also a magic clown! Jazz Hooves!"

"I can see that you're a real joker!" Pinkie Pie replied. "Nice use of smoke, by the way. Very strategic." She reached into the pile of applications, pulled out a pink sheet of paper, and began making notes. "All right, Jesteara - let's talk details. I can see that you're crazy, but just how crazy are you? Are you plotting the downfall of the entire nation, or do you just want to brighten the lives of a few specific enemies? Also, do you incorporate balloons in your act?"

"The entire nation shall be laughing! But not the kitties, I like cats." Jesteara pulls a cat with puffy fur out from behind her ear and stars petting it. "Isn't that right Ms. Balloonfur. Speaking of balloons, how am I going to travel without one!" She grins maniacally. "Also, references are funny!"

"So you use balloons and cats," Pinkie remarked. "Wow. I don't get to check that box on the form very often. All right, so what about henchponies? Do you have a squad of evil assistants?" "Tons, but they're busy and couldn't show up." Jesteara tapped her hoof. "It might have to do with the fact that their all sick with the 2-day cold."

"As long as you have a friend you should be good," Pinkie commented. "Life is awfully lonely without friends. Even evil villains need friends! Why, without friends, they'd be friendless - friendless! It would be awful. Minions are good too."

"All right. Your form looks complete; I don't see anything missing. Oh, wait, here's something! Did you bring a signed copy of the liability waver? We can't be held responsible if you fall off a bridge or something. Now, we're hoping you don't, but sometimes these things happen. I don't think I'll ever forget what happened to the Troll. That was so unfortunate."

"Here ya go, the waiver!" Jesteara said, pulling the waiver out of the cats fur. "It may be covered in cat fur. By the way, I read the forms over twenty times, so I may have yelled at all the people who weren't following them." Jesteara grinned. "So all the remaining villains are those who followed them perfectly!"

"Impressive!" Pinkie commented. "You must have quite an effect on ponies to be so persuasive!" Pinkie took the waiver, brushed off the cat hair, and added it to her pile. She then checked her calendar. "Hmmm. It looks like we're running out of possible dates. The next couple weeks are booked pretty solid. I've got an opening on the 22nd, but it's supposed to rain that day. Do you work well in the rain? I've always heard that cats hate rain. My pet alligator Gummy absolutely loves the rain, but not all pets can be as cool as he is!" Pinkie lowered her voice to a whisper. "He has such deep thoughts. You know what I mean?" "I have the perfect thing! Just let me...." Jesteara reached into the cats fur, somehow going extremely deep in. "Nope.....that's not it.....that's a chicken or Scootaloo.......Ah, here it is!" Jesteara pulled a umbrella out from the fur. "Will this work?"

"So that's where Scootaloo lives!" Pinkie remarked. "I always wondered about that." The pink party pony examined Jesteara's umbrella carefully. "That looks like a genuine cat umbrella to me! I'll put you down as being covered." Pinkie gave Jesteara the blue copy of the paper that she had been holding. "Good luck out there! Remember, if you get eaten by locusts on the way home tonight, be sure to let us know so we can make arrangements."

"Alright then! In the words of a pony, Tacos!" And with that, Jesteara cartwheels out the door, her cat rolling along with her. Pinkie Pie stood up, stretched, and trotted over to the door. She stuck her head outside. "All right, everypony, listen up! It's getting late, and we only have time for three more applications. Since there's way more than three of you out there, I'm going to let you villains decide who else gets to apply tonight and who has to wait until next week." Pinkie grinned. "After all, you're bent on world domination, right? Consider this a test. If you can make it into the next three interviews then you clearly have what it takes to be seriously considered. However, if a little thing like a line gets the better of you, then you're probably not cut out for this type of work." "Whoever is next - just come on in after you've settled the matter among yourselves! Oh - and don't have too much fun, now." Pinkie then closed the door, went back to her throne, and waited.

"1 minute later."

Several loud explosions-and oddly enough, crazed laughter- sound outside the door. A pony wearing a mining helmet burst in and slams the door behind him. "Whew! Now that was crazy!" "It looks like we have a winner!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Welcome to the front of the line. So - let's get started. There's no time to waste! After all, I'm sure all those other ponies out there are planning their revenge against you at this very moment. Tell me: what evil schemes have you schemed up? And where can I get one of those mining helmets?"

"I plan to blow Canterlot Mountain open, making me rich from all the crystals inside!" He said. "Plus the tremors will knock Canterlot off the mountain, sending Equestria into leaderless chaos, which I shall profit from by offering protection in walled towns which I plan to build. By the way, my name's Bit Blast."

"Clever - very clever," Pinkie remarked, as she jotted down a few notes. "Riches and power all in the same scheme! That's a bit ambitious, don't you think? Just, you know, a bit? Get it?" Pinkie laughed. "Never mind. So you plan on blowing a mountain open! That sounds pretty awesome. I'm sure we can find the right permit for that! Now, have you already acquired all the blasting caps you'll need? If not, maybe there's a cat around here somewhere we can search. Believe it or not, a lack of supplies is #7 on the list of reasons why evil schemes fail."

"I have been planning this for several days. I have enough blasting caps to blow the mountain up ten times. I'll probably have some left over!" Bit Blast grinned. "Then I can sell those! As you can tell, I like money." "Oh yes! You're certainly a bit fond of it," Pinkie agreed. She consulted her checklist. "All right. You've got your application, and the waivers, and the right permits. Looks like your insurance is paid up as well. Hmmm. The only problem I see is that Canterlot is booked for parties for the next three weekends, and Celestia won't let us preempt those. Since the daytime hours are booked, how do you feel about night schemes? Could you maybe blow up the mountain under cover of darkness? After all, that mining helmet has a lamp, doesn't it?"

"It wouldn't be a mining helmet without one! I can work with nightime." Bit Blast sighed. "Although my team won't like it. They really like sleeping."

"No problem! I've got a special, super-secret recipe for coffee that is really, really good at keeping ponies awake." Pinkie jotted some notes on a piece of paper and handed it to him. "Drink that and you will be wired for days! Although, if you want something more natural, I've heard that nothing quite gets the blood pumping like being chased by a mob of angry bears. Fluttershy has lots of animal friends; I could talk to her about it if you're interested. I think the bears will work for free most of the time."

"I'll take the coffee, thank you." Bit Blast nodded, slightly nervous. "So, I have at least 10 ponies working with me. I'll take 20 coffee cups." "Great! I'll pencil you in for 3am, and I'll have my super-duper quintuple espresso delight delivered to you and your crew six hours before all the fun starts. I'll also have the bears on standby, just in case you start looking a bit sleepy. Is there anything else you'll need?"

"Nope, I'm fine! Anyways, I'm off!" Bit Blast walks towards the window. "I'm going out the window. Don't wanna get pounded." With a loud crash, Bit Blast jumps out the window. A mare with a blue mane and grey fur walks in, with a ax for a cutie mark. She is adorable. "Um.....hello? Can I come in?" She says, in a voice like Fluttershy. "Just a second," Pinkie said. She walked over to the window and poked her head out. "Huh - all the locusts are gone! Great work, all you ponies! Nice job cleaning that up."

Pinkie walked back over to her throne and sat down. "All right, let's see what we've got here. Adorable face, an ax for a cutie mark - yup, you're definitely the scariest thing I've seen in here all day. Come on in and give me your form. What is your plan, and can we broadcast it on a network aimed at impressionable young children?"

"It's fine.....I double checked it to make sure it was family friendly......" The pony says, trying to hide behind her mane. "My friends call me Logger....I plan to try and chop down the entire Everfree Forest, letting the monsters inside loose....If that's okay with you....." Logger frowned slightly. "Am I a bit too much like Fluttershy?.....I mean, my friends suggested that I could serve as an evil counterpart, and I would like a reason to try and chop down the Everfree, I might be too shy for this......am I?"

Well that's a relief," Pinkie remarked, as she took Logger's form and checked off a box. "I thought you were a serial killer or something! The shy ones tend to be the scariest, you know." "So let's talk about your plan. First of all, nope, I don't think you're like Fluttershy at all. Fluttershy is a yellow pegasus who makes friends with bears and who is terrified of the Everfree Forest. She wouldn't get near an object as dangerous as an axe if you paid her. You, though, are an aggressive go-getter who is planning on bringing the dreaded Forest to its knees. You may both be a bit shy, but that's about all the two of you have in common."

Pinkie studied the form and frowned. "I do have one question, though. Now, I'm totally on board with chopping down the Everfree Forest - that makes sense. You could always claim it scared you as a child or something, and you want revenge. What I don't understand is how you plan on accomplishing your goal in the course of a single half-hour episode. I haven't counted all the trees in the forest, but I'm pretty sure there are more than just five. How could one pony possibly cut them all down by herself? Isn't that, like, a lot of work that would take entire lifetimes to accomplish?"

"Well, I do consider myself an evil counterpart so it makes sense I'm different.........and I have lots of help....." Logger smiled slightly. "A bunch of my friends are helping out, and some of my unicorn friends made magic ax golems........I think I can manage....."

"Great!" Pinkie exclaimed. She checked three more boxes off the form. "All right, it looks like we've got everything covered here. Oh - I almost forgot to mention merchandising. I think that an evil Fluttershy could be a really hot seller among all our fans out there. Great villains are super popular, and you have the perfect combo of being both evil and really cute. Can I check the box that says you approve of official merchandise that's modeled after you, or are you too shy to have toys made of you and sold to millions of strangers?"
Pinkie grinned. "If it helps, you would get a cut of the royalties. It could help your budget for any future evil schemes you might have."

"Um.....well, I need more bits.....I guess I'm okay...." Logger nodded "So.....when am I on.......and is there anything else I need to know?......" "That's fantastic news," Pinkie said, as she checked another box off on her form. "I'll set you up an appointment with some merchandising specialists. This will be great!" Pinkie then checked her calendar. "Let's talk about scheduling. As you probably noticed, the locusts came three days early, which opened a hole in our schedule. Can you be ready three days from now? If so I can pencil you in, but keep in mind the weather pegasi have scheduled a torrential downpour for that day. Can you work in the rain?"

"Well.......the golems can work in any condition.....and my friends won't mind......plus I'm fine with rain.....so, I'm okay." Logger nodded. "So.....I'm on in three days......okay....." "I'm so glad you can make that work," Pinkie said cheerfully, as she stamped Logger's application and handed her the green copy. "Since there isn't time to send your orientation package in the mail, I'll just have it delivered to your home first thing in the morning. It'll tell you everything you need to know, and if you have questions there a number you can call. I really appreciate your filling our scheduling gap! That's what happens when there's a slip-up with the forms. Thanks for coming through for us!"

"You're welcome......I'll just go now.....if there's not anything else......" Logger began to walk towards the door. "Thanks again!" Pinkie called out. She jumped out of her throne, raced over to Logger, picked her up her, and carried her out the door. "Don't be a stranger now!" After setting Logger down outside, Pinkie looked at the long line that remained. "All right, ponies, this is it! I only have time to interview one more villain before it's time for me to head home. Who's it going to be?"

A large blast of magic appears, shoving the remaining villains out the windows and doors. A pony in a cloak steps forward, her magical aura glowing under her hood. "Hello there, I believe it is my turn. But may I ask a question?" "You bet!" Pinkie replied. "How can Ponyville's premier party planner help? Are you running low on streamers for your evil scheme?" "No, I am not asking for the premier party planner." The pony's head lowered slightly. "Although I wouldn't mind a party." She shook her head. "I am asking for the villain specialist. Can almost any villain be reformed, as long as they have a backstory?"

"Excellent question," Pinkie said thoughtfully. "You know, come to think of it, it's actually possible to be reformed even if your backstory is completely unknown. I still have no idea why Discord took over Equestria a thousand years ago; maybe he was always evil, or maybe Celestia stole his cupcakes one day. In fact, I don't even know where Discord came from! Yet, I'm kinda pretty almost sure that he's reformed now." "

So, yes, reformation is totally possible. A good backstory can make it easier, though! Why - do you have a gripping one that will bring our fans to tears?" "Well, yes. But first, my plan!" The cloaked mare said, her voice much more chipper. "My plan is to use a flower that only grows in the badlands, called the Metamorphic Bloom, to create a potion that allows me to permanently change into a certain pony. I plan to change into Twilight Sparkle, and ruin her reputation by committing acts of evil!" The cloaked mare walked into the throne room. "Only.....I was so excited, I already used it to change." With that, the mare flung back her hood, revealing the spitting image of Twilight Sparkle. "By the way, you may call me Dark Sparkle, and I-essentially-changed myself into Twilight's evil twin.

"Catchy name!" Pinkie remarked. "I like it." She closed the door to the throne room behind her, then went and took her seat. The pink pony then rifled through the stack of applications, found the one for Dark Sparkle, and read it closely. "It sounds like you've got a pretty neat idea," Pinkie said at last. "I like where this is going. Now, I'm going to assume that you're not actually the real Twilight Sparkle pretending to be her own evil twin. Although I would have so much fun being my own evil twin! I'll have to try that one day." Pinkie jotted down a note. "All right. So let's talk details! What evil things are you going to do to ruin her reputation?"

"Attack towns, scare ponies out of their wits, be cruel, stuff that you would never expect The Princess of Friendship to do." Dark Sparkle said, counting off each one on her wings, which tore through her cloak. "When I get to Ponyville, I begin sabotaging her friends jobs, knocking over apple trees, scaring animals, causing a whole bunch of clouds to appear while Rainbow is napping." Dark Sparkle grinned. "Leaving a slight glimpse of myself flying away, causing them to get suspicious. Then, when her friends think it's her and refuse to listen, I come in, attacking Ponyville."

"Very evil!" Pinkie said, as she made some notes on her application. "I bet if we play our camera angles just right, we can even make our audience think that it's the real Twilight. I like where this is going! Now, are you planning on teaming up with any other evil villains during your reign of terror, or are you going to fly this one solo? It's entirely up to you."

"I'll be going solo." Dark Sparkle said. "Anyways, Twilight's friends try to stop me, giving the whole "You don't have to do this!" Speech. I pound them, and then the real Twilight comes in." Dark Sparkle grins "Cue epic battle. Anyways, I lose, not being used to my alicorn powers yet." Dark Sparkle then frowns. "Then you get my backstory, how I didn't have any friends at all when I was a filly. That when I grew up, I got jealous of how Twilight Sparkle made so many friends, when I didn't get a chance. That jealousy turned to hatred, and then I planned to ruin her. After I'm defeated, I realize something important. I.....want friends. So very bad. And Twilight, realizing this, offers to be my friend." Dark Sparkle raises her head. "The others aren't very trusting, but Twilight says they'll warm up eventually." Dark Sparkle tilts her head. "Is it bad that I have my whole appearance planned out? I mean, it comes with being an Evil Twin of Twilight."

"I'd say it's a point in your favor," Pinkie replied. "The fact that you felt the need to plan your own defeat really tells me you're getting into character. That's definitely the sort of thing old 'checklist' Twilight would do! She goes through more paper than anypony I've ever seen. I've seen trees actually burst into tears when she gets near them." Pinkie yawned. "All right. I have had a really super long day, so let's talk dates. To me your plan sounds like a great season finale. Twilight verses Twilight just has epicness written all over it! The finale is at least a good four months away from now, though. The network is really making us drag things out. Can you wait that long?"

"I can wait." Dark smiled. "I also think that the Metamorphic Bloom may have effected my personality a little. I've been a lot smarter lately, and have even considered the thought of a checklist and found myself liking it." Dark Sparkle nodded. "So, anything else I need to know?"

"Then my slate of villains for the rest of the season is done!" Pinkie exclaimed excitedly. "Twilight will be thrilled. Anyway, we'll be in touch about the exact date. It's always difficult to know when things will come to an end; it's up to the network, and they're not the best at getting back with us. We'll give you at least a 30-day warning, though, so you can get psyched up." Pinkie stamped her form twice, then gave her the orange copy. "If you're going to fight Twilight head-to-head, you're going to need a good battle strategy. You need to at least last long enough to keep things exciting. The only villain who ever had a good, drawn-out battle with her is Tirek. I'll get you a day pass to Tartarus so you can speak to him; maybe he'll give you some pointers. If you're looking for tips on some underhoofed tricks you can pull, Trixie can probably point you in the right direction. After all, we're all here to help!"

"Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Yeah. Just one." Dark Sparkle made eye contact with Pinkie. Her eyes were filled with tears. "My backstory. It really happened. I had no friends. At ALL. Everypony teased me, played pranks on me, scared me, ruined my favorite things. So....I only have one request. Please, Please, PLEASE!.....be my friend."

"Awwwww," Pinkie said. She jumped over to Dark Sparkle, put her hoof around her neck, and gave her a hug. "Of course I'll be your friend! Never forget that you've got a friend in me. I'll be right there for you, rain or shine. And if you need an Evil Pinkie to fight by your side and pull off this amazingly convoluted scheme you've come up with to get more friends, I'll be glad to help - although I might have to apologize to Twilight afterward, for fighting her and everything. You're not alone in this world - not with me around."

"Thanks Pinkie. I might take you up on that Evil Pinkie offer." Dark Sparkle smiled. "I'm going home. I'll be waiting for the finale, and maybe you could come to visit. I live in the house that has a black and purple paint job." And with that, Dark Sparkle vanished in a flare of purple light.

Pinkie smiled. "I'll see you next week!" she called out, even though no one was there. "And I'll bring Gummy. You'll like Gummy! He is a totally awesome friend." The pink pony then gathered up all the forms she had filled out and haphazardly stuffed them into a giant white box that was beside Twilight's throne. "I'll let her sort them. Twilight just loves sorting things!" She then went to the door, dismissed all the disappointed villains who were still inexplicably waiting in line, and headed home.

Pinkie was happy and content. Thanks to her efforts, Equestria would be put in mortal danger time and time again over the weeks ahead. It was a good feeling - knowing she had done her part to make the world a little more organized, and make life in Ponyville a little more exciting. "After all," she said aloud to no one in particular, "what are friends for?"

Author's Note:

This was based off WANTED. Villainous Villains! Apply Here. Derpyland has given his consent and he knows I'm going to write this.

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Comments ( 17 )

A nice idea and your writing's good...

But I sadly have to add a 'but' onto that. These were some rather lame villain designs, and the central joke over-stayed its welcome with a wide margin. I'm quite verbose myself, but this really felt as if it could have easily been half the length.

Still, a really nice first try, and hope you keep trying. :twilightsmile:

One little tip, though, be sure to add this to at least a few groups. It adds a lot of exposure, and neglecting the groups is one of the most common beginner's mistakes I keep seeing.

Mad, mad props on such a good take on such a difficult character as Pinkie, though. She felt really in character without being just 'lol, random.'

Well that was bloody brilliant. Your portrayal of Pinkie was really accurate, and I loved the dig at Hasbro's incredibly lame villains.

Added to read later list, which means I'll probably never get around to reading it, but had to point out one thing:

Villains Recieved!

You misspelled "Received" in the chapter title.

I liked it.
Oh, and gratz on getting on the front page

Quite funny, and nice ending callback to the original, but the tense errors were pretty distracting. Stay in past tense!

:pinkiecrazy: from the Evil Guy Department , You're hired!

:twilightoops::raritystarry::moustache::applejackconfused::fluttercry::rainbowhuh:

We quit ! the evil dudes get top wages, medical, 401k, time off, craft services and a killer retirement!

:trollestia: Oh roadapples!

Based off Villains Wanted

It's based off itself?

6405678 The ultimate meta fic... :pinkiegasp:

The note about Twilight being thrilled makes me think this could be combined into a truly ridiculous crossover with that other recent fic where Twilight finds out all the villain battles were staged by Celestia.

:trollestia:

A strange biped emerges from a tear in reality and drifts into the office, "Am I too late to apply for a position?" the dreadful entity, currently wearing an Adventure Time-My Neighbor Totoro T-shirt, croaks.

Pinkie suppresses an instinctual shudder at the sight of the monstrosity. No one that old should have so many pimples. And what the heck is with the constantly dripping leg wound? "I-I," she responded nervously, sensing that this horrible creature was vastly more dangerous than anything Equestria had ever encountered. "D-do you have a n-name?"

The thing spoke just one word. A word which caused a great cry of anguish to emanate from all forms of life (and even some undead and totally dead ones... though I guess those wouldn't be forms of life... since they're dead... forms of 'un-life', maybe?) and drove Pinkie mad with terror... though she was already crazy... hmm, ok, so it made her more mad and also terrified, "Alondro".

Yes, the Deus Ex Insert had decided to become a villain for the day. The cosmos was doomed.

:trollestia:

6406030
Somehow, it fits you :trollestia:

I really liked the Dark Sparkle idea... hasbro should do that.

6406789 It only be doomed until I blow it up, then I'll become good again and fix everything!

It all works out! :pinkiecrazy:

Yeah, Dark Sparkle sounds awesome. Does anyone know Hasbro's email address?

The pacing could have been a tad bit better, and you should probably get a pre-reader to assist in formatting in the future, but otherwise this was a nice fic! Lovable villains and some decent humor. I've definitely got some inspiration for a few additions to potential ideas of mine...I hope you continue writing. You've got potential!

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