For centuries, the Gryphonic Union has ruled over the whole of griffon territories and under the Union's rule peace and stability have reigned over the griffon people. But now, with the assassination of their chancellor, the nation finds itself divided by those who wish to maintain the Union, those who believe it is time for a change and those who simply seek to gain power. And in the middle of all the betrayal and lies, is a single griffon who just wants to save his people from themselves.
But unknown to the both griffon people and their would-be-hero, forces beyond their knowledge have ties in the affairs of their struggling nation.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This story is directly connected to the events of "The Tale of Gaius Ninefingers." but the story should still make sense without reading its sister story.
(WARNING: Very few ponies will be present in this story.)
A griffon oriented story, eh? Will read
Now I must track.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
Blood Of The Nations - Accept
Geez, this be good. Reminds me of FoE.
I like anything gryphon related dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
....Go on.
Gryphon story? awesome, going onto the read later list
I've never read a Griffin story before. This is a great change of pace for me from the typical romance cliche crap I read every day.
I found it boring at the beginning but that was most likely due to me not being in the correct mood to read, but after reviewing it I've concluded that it's adequate. I found the entire story to meet the average standards in FiM literature :p. But I found the part where the chancellor getting poisoned to be very predictable. Even before the drink was delivered I was thinking "This guy is going to be poisoned very soon." and when the drink got introduced I was thinking exactly "That's poison." Just something minor first...
Other than the predictable ending; how the fuck does pony + gryphon = hybrid ??? They're not even the same species and I doubt they have the same amount of chromosomes. On top of that; hybridization is extremely rare among animals (especially mammals) and the fact that there's two sentient species of different Genus, and are able to procreate together; actually making something that's hybridized is *almost* impossible. *RUN ON AND I DON'T EVEN CARE*
But let me defend my last statement for you. There's technically a 10% chance of a species being able to hybridize. So ponies and griffins each have 10% chance of their entire species being able to successfully create a hybridized offspring. But the chances of both of them being able to have hybridzaied offspring together is .01%. Though that's not even sexually functional offspring; it's still offspring.
tl;dr Positioning is generic, and the hybrid pony and griffon is *almost* impossible and *sorta* stupid *to me*.
Keep up the good work you sexy hunk of sexy; you sexy man of sexy hunks you!
788756
The reason for the hippogriff is because:
1. It is an actual mythical creature.
2. It's how I would imagine a hippogriff existing in the MLP universe.
3. The genetics make sense but griffins themselves don't make sense genetically. (I doubt an eagle and a lion got it on.)
But I'm sorry that you found it boring and predictable, I try to avoid that but meh, it is what it is.
LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE YOU CRAZY SEXY NAKED WIZARD!
img32.imageshack.us/img32/3245/hybridv.png
DOES THIS AMUSE YOU? IT DOESN'T AMUSE ME!
...Maybe a little now that I see how hilarious it looks...
...Swift Talon doesn't have a easy life... Does he?
788864
Good points.
Sounds interesting. I'll read it later
I just got a chance to read it and I so far have no complaints. I don't really think that you can review something based on the first chapter alone so I'll write something better later.
Nevertheless, you earned a favorite.
Oh my, gonna have to keep an eye out for this one, it's looking to be quite good...
I have to say in all of this that this had beaten every story relating to pony. Huzzah and cheers to bloody that. I was intrigue and curious of how the story goes. It is a remarkable piece of work and I hope this goes on the big top.
Well done, bloody good work
821550
images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120405092931/olympians/images/thumb/1/14/Happy-oh-stop-it-you-l.png/574px-Happy-oh-stop-it-you-l.png
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. :D
As for where it goes... -waves hands in the air randomly- nobody knows!
And (I'm not trying to force you to read my other story here BUT) in my other story "The Tale of Gaius Ninefingers" the world around all this is explained a bit more, along with external forces acting upon it, but in know what will you have to read that story to understand what's happening in this one.
821587
Indeed I do like it. Take your time on the next one. Again, great story don't be shy about it. Take your glory and earn it!
I like how you referred to Equestria as a principality instead of a kingdom like I always seem to see.
A+ for doing homework.
Huzzah! An update at last!
1007471
Need moar comments! MOAR! Tell me what you think of the chapter please :D
>>Zong the Nefarious
Hold on, I'm still reading it!
*obligatory comment from the editor*
I don't really know what to comment on, since I kind of already told you what I thought of it when I was proofreading/editing. I can, however, say that I like the additions you had in addition to my additions.
((also I'm going to complain because the first chapter of each section isn't indented but the others are, even though that's partly my fault))
1007566
Actually, I purposefully don't indent the first paragraph of each section. I find that it helps some readers adjust to the scene change a bit better for some reason. (A break in the writing, if you will.)
1007588
That's... actually really clever. Hm, I'm surprised I didn't think of it like that, since that's supposed to be my job.
Awesome new chapter.
Hi there!
I'd like to firstly apologize for being so late in going over this. It's been one internet handicap after another, but I was finally able to sit down and read the second chapter.
To go into my overall thoughts, I quite like what you're doing here. Sculpting a world can be very tedious work, and it takes even more effort to keep your culture consistent. There were a few times (particularly in chapter one) where you would occasionally pile on more information than the audience might be inclined to swallow at once. Make sure that you try not to turn your story into a lecture. Introduce us to your world through the dialogue and the daily life of your protagonist. Explaining the concept of 'hippogriphs' is a good example of you doing this right.
Unreliable first person narratives are a good way to cloud the audiences' perception of the world that you're building, and you took advantage of this relatively well, but there were times it seemed like you might have forgotten about the character that you were portraying. In the first chapter, you did an excellent job of integrating his opinions in with your prose, but in the second chapter, I noticed a few awkward sentences that didn't seem to fit the personality that you've built up.
"Gort, on his way to the door, gave me a hard slap on the back as he passed and gave me several words of encouragement… which I promptly ignored..."
Be careful with using ellipses, and I would highly suggest that you avoid using them in your prose. At most, use them sparingly in your dialogue to illustrate a pause, but having one after another in your prose is simply jarring. It breaks your flow and leaves the reader frustrated that they have to have to gloss over them.
In the second chapter, you cut from the protagonist about to read a report to a event that happened three days prior. Your perspective is solely focused on this particular character, so why not show the audience what he's reading rather than cut from one place to another? While this in of itself is not 'wrong', I would consider giving the flashback it's own chapter, and then cut back to Astor looking up from the report in the chapter after that. Or you could have the characters explain the situation to him through some dialogue to see his reactions to everything.
"They held an air of unyielding intellect and seemed to be cut from pure emerald."
With an unreliable first person narrative, some purple prose is acceptable, but make sure that you keep it minimal. Only saturate your descriptions when you feel that it's absolutely necessary to illustrate what the character is thinking about something or someone else. You've expressed Astor's affections well, but try not to go overboard.
“Truly mien friend?” he said with a slight chuckle, “vell I do not envy you. Lord Marshal Sora and Vrees got into quite the little spat; something about succession and how he could not keep going without zehr’ being some inclination to an heir.”
Writing accents is akin to walking on eggshells. You don't want to overdo it to the point where your readers will have to pause to interpret the dialogue. Not to say that this is over the top, as it isn't, but it is close.
Your interpretation of griffons as a war-hardy sort is fascinating, and I don't really have much more to say for you. In my personal opinion, though, I would have written this in third person, that way your world-building doesn't come into conflict with the character that you're sculpting as well. Still, you've done a fine job with this.
I wish that I have more to say for you, but I don't. This really is a fine piece of work. If you would like for me to try and get more in-depth with the issues that I presented here, then please let me know.
Cheers!
The chapter was great; simple as that.