Planet Express's Package Pony

by MrAquino

Hell Is Other Robots

Fry, Leela, Bender, and Derpy sat in the Madison Cube Garden, waiting for the Beastie Boys concert 'Intergalactic Tour' to begin. As Derpy learned, the Beastie Boys were popular back in Fry's time, though she relaxed on Mario's head, who turned on & off at random times, yelling 'Exterminate' while firing a laser that, as of now, hasn't his anybody yet.

"This is awesome!" Fry exclaimed "I've been waiting a thousand years to see a Beastie Boys show."

"Can I get anybody a beer?" Bender asked

"Sure!" Bender opened his chest cabinet and used his antenna to pump some beer into a cup. He hands it to Fry and Fry takes a gulp.

"Ladies and gentlemen," an announcer on the loudspeakers spoke "here to lay down some old, old, incredibly old school beats: The Beastie Boys!" Scruffy came in as he wheeled the heads of the Beastie Boys' heads on stage. The crowd cheered as some guys in black suits grab the jars and dance around, as the Beastie Boys performed Intergalactic.

"Impressive." Leela commented as she looked at her wrist machine. "They're busting mad rhymes with an 80% success rate."

"I believe that qualifies as 'ill', at least from a technical standpoint." Bender commented

"Will you guys shut up?! I'm trying to look cool." Fry spoke, dancing and looking like a fool.

"This is how you dance!" Derpy replied. Balancing on Mario's head, Derpy used all the dance moves she learned from Craptrap and some other dance moves she made after learning how to fly. At that, Mike, one of the Beastie Boys, his head fell down into a mosh pit below, where he was tossed like a volleyball by some fans below.

"Wow! An old-fashioned mosh pit! Come on, guys. Tonight we're gonna party like its 1999 ... again."

"For you, maybe." Mario's 'eye' glowed blue again as the Beastie Boys performed Super Disco Breakin. "Mario! You're back on! Hopefully, you can dance like me!"

"EXTERMINATE!!!" Mario yelled, hovering above the ground and flew over the crowd.

"Ooh! You can fly like me! Come on, follow me!" Derpy flew ahead, followed by Mario. Mario began firing his laser at Derpy, though Derpy avoided the lasers, laughing and dancing without care. Down below, Fry and Bender joined the mosh pit as Leela... well, she kicked everyone's asses who were avoiding her private space. Derpy flew to Mario, hugging him again. "You are so fun, Mario!"

"...Exterminate?" He shut down quickly, though slowly levitated as it fell down rather than crashing.

After a while, everything was much more calmer, though Derpy hated dragging Mario around with her. He wasn't heavy, despite his size, but it's annoying to drag something that's always turned on or off. (something that made the men laugh, leaving Derpy confused with questions).

"Man, these guys rock harder than ever!" Fry spoke as the Beastie Boys sang Sabotage as an acappella. It was... weird, as there were long pauses, probably because of the music that played in the Beastie Boy's heads. But, nonetheless, the crowd cheered as a A Fender (seen by it's name) amplifier came to Bender.

"Hey, Bender!" The Fender spoke

"Hey, Fender!" bender replied "Man, I haven't seen you since high school. You still workin' at Jack In The Box?"

"Not anymore, baby. I'm with the band! And who's the other robot next to you?"

"That's Mario." Derpy replied, sitting on Mario's head. "He's... broken."

"Broken, you say?"

"Yeah. He turns on & off and yells 'exterminate' when he's on, then turns off." Fry and Bender laughed. "I still don't get what's funny."

Bender introduced Fender to his friends and their adopted daughter, letting the unit take them to the back to meet The Beastie Boys as they got head massages.

"Hey, fellas, hey!" Fender introduced "I want you to meet my friends; Bender, Fry, Leela, and Derpy!"

"Y'know, we're really not that interested in meeting them." Ad-Rock replied Fry squeed like a fangirl

"Wow! I love you guys! Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums."

"That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven."

"Cool! Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes?" Fender turned his volume down and turned to Bender, whispering.

"Hey, Bender, why don't we ditch these organ sacks and hit the real party?"

"Count me in!" Bender replied "I'm gonna drink till I reboot!"

"Can I come too?" Derpy asked, flying in between the two robots "Mario still needs help."

"Eh, I guess." Fender replied "Perhaps one of the boys can help him out."

Inside a shady looking place, Fender pressed a button, causing a door to slide open, revealing a room where three robots are hooked up to a machine that discharges electricity. It shocks them and they groan.

"Hey, what kinda party is this!?" Bender demanded "There's no booze and only one hooker.

"Don't be a drag, man." Fender replied "We're jacking on!" He plugged himself into the machine and shocks himself. "Aw, yeah!" He takes the plug out and offers it to Bender. "Wanna jolt?"

"Uh, hey, I'm no square but isn't that counter-indicated by my operations manual?" The other robots laugh.

"I'll take it!" Derpy replied, taking a spare plug "Mario, this is going to bring you back from the smell, thousand year sleep!" She stopped and looked around Mario. "Hey! Where's your hole?" She stopped and found the hole "Oh, there it is! It's in your ass!" All the robots snickered. Derpy placed the plug into Mario, though her mane puffed up and she got some black marks across her body.

"Come on, Bender, grab a jack." Fender persuaded "I told these guys you were cool."

"Well... if jacking on'll make strangers think I'm cool... I'll do it!" Bdner replied, taking the plug and sticking it into his head. Bender started to jitter around, electricity circuiting around him, making his eyes & mouth static. Derpy watched Bender go crazy, then turned to Mario, who was now activated.

"EXTERMINATE!!!" Mario yelled. His whisp looking thing that fired lasers immediately exploded, destroying a part of Mario himself in the process.

"Mario! I knew something like this would happen." She pulled the cord out as Fender did to Bender.

"What lower life form are you!? You will be exterminated for the Dalek supremacy!"

"I'm Derpy, a... pegasus from what I read. And you're called a Dalek? Very funny robot name for a funny robot yourself, Mario."

"...Mario!? I am no 'Mario', I am Dalek08021996!"

"...Yeah... I'm just gonna call you Mario." She flew and hugged Mario's head "Now you're on, we're gonna be the best of friends!"

"Daleks do not have friends with weaker species!"

"Well considering how light you are, I must be superior."

"...IMPOSSIBLE!!!" Fender pulled the plug from Bender's head.

"Easy, baby." He spoke "You don't wanna get hooked on this stuff."

"Eh, no need to worry." Bender replied "I don't have an addictive personality." He quickly smoked a cigar and gulped down some beer, then began to jack on again.

In the streets of New New York City Street, Fry, Derpy, and a shade wearing Bender walk around a slum.

"Hey, uh, Bender?" Fry asked "What are we doing in this bad neighborhood?"

"Shut up, square!" Bender replied. He walked into a place called Sparky's Den. "I'll just be a minute!" Both Fry and Derpy leaned against a lamppost and whistle together

Three Hours Later

Bender came out, groaning and not walking properly. He fell over and rolled off the pavement, landing face down in the gutter. A Preacherbot rolls by and saw him.

"Wretched sinner unit!" The Preacherbot announced "The path to robot heaven lies here..." He takes out a 3.0 disk. "in The Good Book 3.0."

"Hey! Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter?" Bender replied "No! So beat it!" The Preacherbot tuted and left

"Who was that guy?" Derpy asked

"Your mama! Now shut up and drag me to work!"

"...That was low, man." She turned around and flapped her wings, flying away. Fry dragged Bender by his legs.

Inside Planet Express's Meeting Room, Hermes addressed everyone with a chart.

"Our electric bill's climbing faster than a green snake up a sugar cane." Hermes spoke "Obviously someone round been wastin' a whole heap a juice! Probably you!" He points at Zoidberg.

"Me?" Zoidberg asked.

"Or your robot, Derpy." Derpy rested on Mario's head, seemingly looking around, planning something.

"Mario's already full." Derpy replied "And he won't be shooting any lasers, so he'll save more energy."

"I'll exterminate you all!" Mario yelled

"You're funny." Fry and Bender entered the room.

"Good morning, Bender." Amy greeted

"None of your business! Get off my back!" Bender yelled, running into the restroom.

"What's his problem?"

"If I didn't know better, I'd almost think he was abusing electricity." Leela inquired

"Bender!?" Fry asked, baffled "No way!" The lights dimmed "I definitely would've noticed something."

"...It's Bender." Derpy spoke. Leela got up and knocked on the restroom door.

"Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom?" She asked "Are you jacking on in there?"

"No! Don't come in!" Bender replied. Farnsworth entered the room with a box.

"Good news, everyone!" He announced "Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet!" Bender exited the bathroom

"Alright, let's get to work! I'll be out in a second." He ran back into the bathroom.

In the Ship's Cockpit, The crew quickly made the delivery and were returning to Earth.

"I know Big Vinnie said he was giving me the kiss of death but I still think he was gay." Fry commented

"Did he use his tongue?" Leela asked

"...A little."

"I'm glad I got this new outfit!" Derpy spoke, wearing a gangster outfit with matching tommy gun "Just hope the Donbot isn't too mad that he wants my head. I wanna shoot someone before I go."

"... Right." Fry looked to see Bender sitting in the corner, chewing at his fingers. "You OK, Bender?"

"None of your business! Get off my back!" Bender snapped

"Uh-oh. There seems to be some sort of electrical disturbance in the Coalsack Nebula." Leela spoke

"A what kind of disturbance?"

"Electrical. Anyway, it's going to take some careful piloting to avoid it." Bender snuck out of the cockpit, but Derpy followed. Bender opened the door of the ship and exited out into space. Derpy followed, flapping her wings, and chased after Bender, who edged his way around to the engines and pushed them so the ship flies straight towards the nebula. He laughs insanely.

"Bender!" Derpy shouted "What are you doing!?"

"Shut up! This is going to be fun on the bun!" Bender climed on top of the ship and in front of the gun turret, waving his arms. "Come on, universe, you big, mostly empty wuss! Gimmie all the juice you got!" His prayers was answered as a Lightning bolt struck Bender's antenna, making him jitter wildly. Another bolt struck him, followed by a third, causing his legs to melt. "Oh, mama!"

"... You idiot."

At Planet Express's Hangar, Amy drilled the leg-melted, stuck Bender with a jackhammer. He slid down the front of the ship and lands on the floor. Farnsworth, Leela, Derpy, and Hermes stare at him.

"...What?" Bender asked. Derpy cocked her Tommy Gun.

"Let's do it." she spoke.

After being repaired, right after Derpy shot him multiple times as if he was part of the Valentine's Day Massacre, Bender sat at the table.

"Bender," Leela spoke "we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring."

"In fact, that's why we loved you." Zoidberg spoke.

"Shut up, Zoidberg!" Derpy yelled, knocking the lobster out with the barrel of her tommy gun.

"But this electricity abuse crossed the line." Leela continued "You almost killed us."

"And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you." Fry added "Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs and then he sold me my mom's VCR and then later I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend." Bender sighed sadly.

"You're right." He spoke "I'm a lost cause." He stood up walked out.

"... I feel kinda bad now." Derpy spoke.

The next morning, Hermes addressed everyone again in the meeting room.

"And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt-water cooler." Hermes spoke.

"This is a witch hunt!" Zoidberg yelled. Derpy snickered like Bender. Bender entered the room wearing a bow tie.

"♫Oh, what a beautiful morn~ing, Oh what a beautiful day!♫" He sang "Greetings, friends. Don't we all look nice today?"

"Uh oh!" Derpy spoke "Someone find the magnets!

"No, I'm not on Magnets. I'm whacked out on life. My friends, I found religion." Everyone stared, shocked.

"Religion?" Fry asked "Is this another scam to get free yarmulkes?"

"Give him a break, Fry." Leela replied "If this helps Bender clean up his act then I think we should be supportive." Everyone agreed.

"Wonderful!" Bender replied "Then you'll all come to my exceedingly long, un-air-conditioned baptism ceremony!" Everyone murmured uncomfortably.

The Temple of Robotology was like any other church, but with more robots inside and everything was more... robotic. While everyone else was in their fancy suits, sweating hard, Derpy panted like a dog , using her wings as fans to cool her off, but with no help.

"We are gathered here today to deliver brother Bender from the cold, steel grip of the Robot Devil unto the cold, steel bosom of our congregation." The preacherbot preached. The other robots cheered "Brother Bender, do you accept the principles of Robotology on pain of eternal damnation in Robot Hell!?"

"Yes, I do!" Bender replied

"Then I will now baptize you." A keyboard came out from his waist. "Press any key to continue." Bender pressed a button and is lifted, baptized in a barrel of High Viscosity Baptismal Oil. The Preacherbot welded the symbol of Robotology, a resistor symbol, to Bender's chest.

"Uh, while you're at it, could you touch up this seam?" He raised his arm. The Preacherbot welded the seam, making Bender giggles.

"I'm outta here!" Derpy yelled, running outside

Everyone sat down in Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Bender had agreed to get everyone dinner for supporting him.

"This is unbelievable." Leela spoke "The old Bender never would have taken us out to dinner."

"The old Bender's gone." Bender replied "He won't trouble you anymore." A waiter approached to Bender

"Would monsieur care to see the wine list?" He asked. Bender shreded the wine list and hands it back to the waiter.

"No poison for us, thanks. I'll stick with good old mineral oil." He sipped his small cup of oil. "Ah! Functional!" After a while, their food arrived.

"Mon, I'm hungrier than a green snake in a sugar cane field!" Hermes spoke

"Screw your snake!" Derpy replied "I'm so Hungry, I can eat a human!" Before anyone could eat their food.

"Friends! Friends!" Bender stopped everyone "Surely you're not going to eat before we say Robot Grace?" The staff grumble as Bender closes his eyes. "In the name of all that is good and logical we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic: 1000101010101..."

1 Hour Later

Everyone sat impatienty as Bender went on with his prayer. Derpy's face was splatted in her mash potatoes.

"...0010110012. Amen."

"Does that mean we can eat now?" Fry asked. Derpy snorted awake.

"I'm potatoes!" she shouted.

"Yes." Bender answered "But first, since I love you all so much, I'd like to give everyone hugs. Come here, Fry!"

"Oh, uh, but I don't want to." Fry stammered. Bender hugged him anyways.

"Mmm! Mmm! Fry... you're my friend!" Fry, unsure, pats Bender on the back.

"HA!!! GAY!!!" Derpy mocked. Bender stood up again.

"Come on, everyone line up for a hug." Bender spoke "Let's tear down some emotional walls." Everyone edged their seats away. "Come on, Derpy!"

"Oh no!"

The next morning, in Planet Express's Hangar, Bender stuck something to the ship.

"What are you doing to my ship?" Leela demanded

"Sanctifying it!" Bender replied. He stucked on a robot version of the Ichthus. "There! That ought to convert a few tailgaters."

"Bender's stupid religion is driving me nuts!" Fry whined

"Amen." Derpy replied

"If only he had joined a mainstream religion like Oprah-ism or Voodoo." Farnsworth suggested.

"We've got to get the old Bender back." Fry spoke

"And I think I know a way to do it." Leela suggested "We have to reacquaint him with a little thing called 'sleaze'."

"... I wouldn've just suggested leaving beer around, but whatever." Derpy spoke, rolling her eyes.

The crew landed at Atlantic City Street. There, they took Nibbler with them and walked down the street.

"I can't believe somebody hired an interstellar spaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic City." Bender spoke "What are we delivering anyway?"

"Uh... this." Fry replied, pulling some mints out of his pocket.

"Where are we delivering it to?"

"Uh, here." Leela answered, taking the mints and puts them in a mailbox.

"Oh! And who's it going to?"

"There." Derpy finished, pointing at a club called 'Power Strip'. Bender gasped

"Those ... those girls don't wear cases. You can see their bare circuits."

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Fry spoke "Maybe we could even drink a little fortified wine."

"What!? Drinking wine is a sin. Even if it is deliciously fortified."

"Hey, Bender," Leela whispered "look at that woman's purse. It's hanging by a spaghetti strand." Bender's eyes zoomed in, but he pushed them back.

"Thou shalt not snatch."

"And there's Hookerbot 5000." Derpy spoke "She's got a heart of solid gold!"

"Hey, sailing unit!" A Hookerbot spoke

"Stop tempting me!" Bender pleaded "For once in my life I have inner peace."

"Pfft! That's for losers." Fry spoke "C'mon, sin your heart out!"

"Go nuts!" Leela added

"Live a little." Added the Hookerbot

"Could you hold my purse for a minute?" the woman with the purse spoke.

"Go for it, Bender." Derpy spoke with a smug "You know you wanna!"

"...Well..." Bender spoke.

Bender danced with the Stripperbots and laughed wildly

"I'm the greatest!!!" He shouted, opening the woman's snagged purse and made it rain "Woo-hoo!!!"

"Look's like we got the old Bender back!" Fry spoke

"You know it, pork pie! Except for one thing." He ripped the Robotology symbol off his chest and throws it over his shoulder. It sunk into a bowl of something."

In the morning, the crew visited the Trump Trapezoid, as Bender was there last night. They stood in Bender's room, seeing scorch marks where Bender fell, seeing that he was dragged out of the room.

"What in hell happened to Bender?" Leela asked

"Well he didn't check out. The ashtray's still here." Fry spoke. Nibbler yelped at something. "Look, Nibbler's caught the scent of vodka and motor oil!"

"So!?" Derpy replied "I can do the same thing!" She sniffed, but her cheeks perked up. She reswallowed her vomit. "On second thought, let the monkey find him." They all ran out of the room.

After some running, they made it outside of an abandoned park called 'Reckless Ted's Funland'.

"Wait! I remember this place." Fry spoke "They shut it down after all those people caught salmonella from the flume ride." Nibbler lead the three to a ride called The Inferno. They opened the door and looked around.

"Hmm. Look! It's the symbol of Bender's old religion." Leela spoke, pointing at the same sign. Derpy pressed the button and the crazy mirror beside it slid upwards, revealing that it is Robot Hell.

"Unbelievable." Fry gasped "It's an actual, factual Robot Hell."

"Who would've thought hell would really exist?" Leela asked "And that it would be in New Jersey!"

"I point at Snooki." Derpy commented. A trap door opens beneath them, making Fry and Leela fall and scream as they disappear down a twisting fun slide. Derpy flapped her wings and descended down into Robot hell. She heard what was singing and flew to it. Unbeknownst to her, she gt caught in some wires, shocking her with electricity. Said Electricity made Hell go haywire... followed by an Explosion. Everyone screamed as they went above in the sky and fell on the floor, hard. All the robots around quickly got up and ran for their robotic lives as the head of what was a Robot devil was on the floor.

"Get back here!" He shouted "I need to torture you all!"

"Well... that was something." Bender spoke, standing up along with Fry and Leela.

"Aw, I kinda felt like singing." Fry whined.

"We can sing here if you want." the robot devil's head suggested.

"Hell no!" Bender yelled, kicking the head away.

"Wait! Where's Nibbler and Derpy!?" Leela spoke, panicking. "Nibbler!? Derpy!?" Nibbler came out of the corner, making it's usual noise. "Nibbler! Where's Derpy?" Nibbler turned it's head, but opened its mouth and puked out Derpy. Derpy sat on her haunches, covered in saliva, and shivered with wide eyes.

"Ew!" Fry spoke.

"Ah, I'll get her." Bender spoke, picking Derpy up, but was also disgusted. "I suppose I should thank you all for saving me from hell. Ooh! A golden Violin!" He quickly stashed a golden violin on the floor.

"Never... join... another religion." Derpy spoke

"And I won't! Let's get you washed up; don't want the devil to follow us again." And with that, they walked away.

Comments

[MrAquino]

6816283 SLURMSMCKENZIE!!! The original party worm!!!

[Adixon524]

this makes me curios is depy going to be inside episode of the show or what

[TheDriderPony]

Wait... I thought Daleks were tiny furry things that piloted around the iconic robots from inside like mechsuits?

[DerpTape]

7783793 "Dalek" refers to both the armored life support device and the organic being inside who operates it. Said being is not really cute and furry, rather they are more of a mutated, mucous coated, tenticular abomination.

The reason they all scream 'EXTERMINATE', is because they are pathologically xenophobic, and feel the only way they can be safe is if they are the only species left in the universe.

[Emperorxeno]

Poor robot devil, hopefully he’ Get everything back.