• Published 2nd Sep 2015
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Ponies and Dragons (Just Have Fun) - Alex Warlorn



A peek at various times of the Mane Six, Spike, and friends, all play Dungeons and Dragons/Ogres and Oubliettes, Paranoia, Call of Ponythulu, Toon, an adaption of themselves, and just about every other role playing game under Celestia's sun.

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Session 9

Session 9.0 Kendell2

Applebloom blinked, the game in front of them not being what they'd expected Diamond to come up with as GM. "So what's the plot again, Diamond?"

"Everypony in the land is seeking and trying to define themselves and live life. It was a happy life until the evil Jewel Cutter begins her plan to take over and control the world with an iron fist," Diamond explained, smiling. "Her plan is to use a magic ring to force the king to fall in love with her so she can strip everyone of their freedom so she can micromanage everything just how she wanted it."

Applebloom, had this been the OLD Diamond Tiara, would've been the first to accuse her of making a self insert, but the Jewel Cutter's custom figure looked nothing like her (but she couldn't help thinking that it looked familiar) and Diamond wasn't like that anymore. "Sounds cool!"

"So we have to stop an evil overlord? Sounds cool!" Scootaloo exclaimed.

Sweetie Belle looked at the custom figures. "Did you make these yourself?"

Diamond Tiara smiled proudly and nodded. "Yes, yes I did...with help from Silver Spoon."

Silver Spoon gave a smile. "It was fun."

"Alright, let's start!"

---

It was a tense situation. Jewel Cutter had gotten her hooves on the enchanted ring but needed to get to the highest of the royal castle to put it on the king's hoof. She kept telling them how when she was done, the rich and poor couldn't be friends with each other, the three tribes would be back to themselves, and everything would be as orderly as possible.

Diamond wasn't an easy GM, but it was a lot more fair than before when she was still a bully and tried giving them sticks to fight with.

However, before they could get a bit further in the game to the final confrontation, the door flew open. "Diamond Dazzle Tiara!"

Diamond jumped a foot in the air. "M-Mother!"

Spoiled Rich glared at her daughter. "I thought I told you you weren't to be fraternizing with these blank flanks any more."

"..." Diamond looked down, suddenly looking a bit like a beaten dog.

"And playing...this? Have you no pride? You're a lady!" Spoiled said...then the others got between her and her daughter.

"Didn't Diamond already call you out?" Applebloom asked.

Spoiled's expression was one of conflict, but stubborn pride (Applebloom identified it as easily as breathing) won out. "Yes, but I'm an adult, that means I have the authority. Now come on Diamond, we have more proper lady-like things to do."

"Really?"

Before any of the foals could say another world, they turned to see Princess Twilight standing at the door. It WAS her castle after all and she'd checked in several times during their play. Spoiled promptly prostrated herself. "Princess Twilight, good to see you, your highness! I was just coming to collect my daughter!"

Twilight glared at Spoiled. "...Mrs. Rich, I respect a parent's right to raise their daughter how they see fit...but instead of verbally ripping your daughter's creation apart for WHAT it is, why don't you actually LOOK at it?"

Spoiled was many things, but defying somepony higher in rank than she was wasn't one of them. She looked over the game board and blinked at the hand made figured. She recognized many things, including a certain little black cat and her husband as king. "Diamond, did you make all of this?" she asked in shock.

Diamond Tiara nodded. "Silver helped...but yes...The ponies are trying to stop the Jewel Cutter from using a magic ring to force the king to marry her so she can take over the kingdom and take away everyponies' friends and freedom."

"Magic ring?"

Diamond Tiara pointed to the little castle on the board. "She's got it on her figure."

Spoiled trotted around the board...and looked at the evilly dressed figure of the Jewel Cutter standing on top of a castle. She picked it up...and noticed something.

Spoiled put a hoof to her crooked snout. She found the same molded into the tiny figure. It's fur the same exact color as her own. She carefully removed the helmet it wore and found the mane beneath was identical to hers.

She looked to the magic ring...then back to her own flank where an identical ring sat in her Cutie Mark. Her face looked like the moon had just fallen out of orbit.

"So...Jewel Cutter is the bad guy?" Spoiled Rich asked.

Diamond Tiara nodded somberly.

Spoiled gently sat Jewel Cutter back in place, hoof trembling.

Applebloom slowly looked up to Spoiled. "Mrs. Rich?...What's your Cutie Mark actually mean?"

Spoiled jumped. "...It...It means being a good wife...and helping others love each other as husband and wife...and being a good mother is part of that..."

Diamond Tiara gasped, noticing a tear running down her mother's face.

"I...I thought I was doing what my Cutie Mark was telling me..." Spoiled said, the mare's smug expression vanishing completely as she looked at the little statue of herself Diamond had cast as the main villain of her story.

"...You still can be," Sweetie Belle suggested, the trio's cutie marks weren't just for show after all.

Spoiled pulled up a chair and calmly sat down. "...So...how does the story end, Diamond?"

Session 9.1 Ardashir

"And I roll..." Sweetie blew on her dice for luck and rolled them. She and the other foals looked at the results and groaned. "Uh-oh."

"Hah!" Diamond Tiara laughed from across the table. "Looks like the Diamond Dogs caught you too!" The others waited as Sweetie picked up the plastic figurine of a white unicorn with a magnificent mane and tail and set her in 'the Mines'.

Silver Spoon toyed with her figure, a golden-coated Earth pony with a Stetson. She said to Sweetie, "Now you're going to have to sneak out like your big sister did a few years ago."

"Unless she gets a 'Heroic Dragon' card," Spike self-importantly added. "Then he can help rescue her." They'd barely been able to get the card away from him and stick it into the deck where it belonged. The fact that the illustrated dragon looked like a more majestic version of himself may have played a small role in it.

Twilight smiled to hear the laughter of the foals in the next room. She and her friends were talking over some recent business involving Griffonstone's reopening diplomacy with Equestria and if they could help. The CMC, Spike, and Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were playing the latest brainstorm of Poindexter and his friends, Escape the Diamond Dogs. She'd wondered why she and her friends were asked to playtest it until she saw it. It was basically a game retelling of Rarity's escape from the Diamond Dog mines, with the rest of her friends added in as extra 'escapees' or rescuers depending on the version of the game in question.

Thus far it seemed to be going well.

"Hah!" Apple Bloom called out. "Ah got a Cave Troll ta help us! He'll whack those stupid, smelly, ugly Diamond Dogs but good."

"Oh, dear," Fluttershy cut in. She winced to hear Apple Bloom describe the cartoonish violence the Cave Troll was inflicting on the Diamond Dogs. "Umm, I know the Diamond Dogs are very savage..."

"An' nasty," Applejack looked up from the apple she was eating.

"And smelly, and greedy," Rarity said. "They treated me so dreadfully, and what they tried to do to all of you!" She smiled coldly. "I find something poetic in the fact that a representation of me will be used to sell the game. In fact, I already helped them sell almost a hundred copies in Canterlot."

"Well, yes, there is all of that," Fluttershy nodded. "But maybe, this game is making them too nasty? Rainbow Dash, didn't you meet some nice Diamond Dogs?"

"Dunno if I'd call them nice," Dash shrugged. "Eh, they didn't try making slaves out of anypony. But they were going to keep Trixie trapped forever."

"Yes, but still, I wonder if it's really not very nice of us ponies to treat the Diamond Dogs like this, even if it's only in a game." Fluttershy looked at some recent books Twilight had set aside in the room. One of them bore an image of a wolfish Diamond Dog threatening little foals. It looked horrible, with big goggle eyes, drool-slick fangs, and great big claws. "I don't remember ever seeing a nice Diamond Dog in pony art."

As Fluttershy spoke Spike came strolling into the room, holding an empty bowl.

"Twi told me once that the Diamond Dog ambassador in Canterlot said his pack was getting tired of all the nasty Diamond Dog imagery," he said as he filled his bowl with a heaping helping of small diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and other too small to be valuable gemstones, none of them bigger than his little finger. He tossed three into the air, snaked out his tongue, and swallowed them. "But so what? Diamond Dogs are just now releasing all the ponies they kidnapped and used for slaves in their mines. They aren't the bosses of Equestria. What are they going to do, sue us?" He giggled. "Try and shackle us up to mine carts again?"

"Spike!" Twilight said warningly just as someone pounded on the front door.

Dreading what she would see, Twilight opened the door. On the stoop stood a Diamond Dog. One dressed in a suit and a tie, with finely groomed fur and a briefcase in one massive paw. On one side of him stood a bright green Earth pony stallion with a shark fin for a cutie mark.

The Diamond Dog stepped forward.

"Have I the honorrrr of addressin' her highness, Prrrrincess Twilight Sparkle?"

"You have," Twilight said, wondering just how much trouble they were in this time.

"Me crrrredentials, your highness," the Diamond Dog handed a card over. Twilight read it. Shamus of the of the Fleecem and Gougem Canterlot Law Firm, Attorney at Law. She looked back at him, her heart sinking within her.

"Me associate, Settled Suit," Shamus waved one paw at the pony, who nodded gravely, "and I have agrrrreed tae represent the Brrrroken Granite Pack, the Gypsum Good Pack, the United Rhysolite-Opal-Borax Packs, and many more, who have give me th' rrregretful duty tae inform ye that a lawsuit for libel, slander, and defamation o' character will be presented tae the Canterlot Courts if the game," he looked disgusted, "if it may be so dignified, 'Escape frae th' Diamond Dogs', is brought to mass printing. May I have your response tae these concerns?"

Twilight glared at Rarity. The unicorn mare grinned weakly and winced.

"Um, isn't everypony entitled to a few little, heh, boo-boos?"

Session 9.2 Grogar-the-oneser

"We're all quite lucky that the diamond dog clans decided to drop the lawsuit for a retribution fee and a mass recall of the game," Twilight said.

"Yes, but it also showed me the risk of it, that why I'm running a advance prescreening for any future game so that they will pass demographic tests and won't be offensive," Poindexter stated.

Twilight jumped as she heard loud bashing in the room next door. "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT!?"

"Oh that Steve. He's the yak i hired to make sure the next game alright," Poindexter said,

"I'm assuming he is not enjoying the new game idea to replace the diamond dog one?"

"Actually he enjoyed the new game. That's actually him snoring after pulling a all nighter," Poindexter stated.

Session 9.3 Ardashir

"'Oh ho-ho-ho!' Jewel Cutter rears above you, holding her ring up for all to see. 'You foals! Do you think you can stop me? My plan will work! I will control the destinies of all Ponydom, forever!'" Diamond Tiara gave the CMC and Silver an expectant look.

"Fat chance!" Scootaloo said. "Uh, I mean, 'Never! Your wicked scheme will end here.'" She set her figure of a armored pegasus in front of the others, shielding them.

"Can we yank or shoot that ring from her grip with magic?" Silver Spoon looked down at her unicorn figure, painted pink and yellow.

"Sorry, but that'll have to wait until you get into combat. And she has those mind-controlled minions around her." Diamond pointed at her custom Jewel Cutter figure, with two hulking Cave Trolls protecting her.

"How did she even sneak them into the royal palace, anyhow?" Sweetie Belle asked before eating a snack. She kept a careful eye on her rogue figure, the gray-and-brown Earth pony hiding at the rear of the group.

"Well, I should make you figure it out," Diamond said, a sly grin on her face. "But she convinced the King that they'd make great exhibits for that new planned royal zoo."

"Can we just get on with it an' kick her flank already?" Apple Bloom winced before giving Spoiled Rich an apologetic smile. "Oh, sorry, Ms. Spoiled Rich..."

"It," Spoiled caught hold of herself as she looked at what her daughter and these other children were doing with their story here. "It's quite alright, dear. Though perhaps, Diamond," she lightly tousled her daughter's mane, "you could hurry with the story a bit. It will be suppertime in a couple of hours." She looked at the small pile of snacks, smaller now after several hours of gaming. "If you have any room left."

Spoiled stepped back to Princess Twilight as the fillies returned to their game.

"It's been so long since I've seen my daughter this happy," Spoiled Rich smiled as Diamond began speaking in her "villain" voice again, adding in an overdone malevolent laugh as she did. "I... thank you for stopping me from taking her from here, your highness." She frowned. "I do wonder where she got that laugh from, though. It sounds so maniacal."

"Oh, that?" Twilight grinned nervously and shifted from hoof to hoof. "She learned it from Discord -- nothing else happened, I swear!" Spoiled Rich calmed herself. Twilight added, "Strangest thing, but the few times they played together, they got on so very well. You would have thought they were related!"

Session 9.4 Jarkes


"So... why are you here if you're not actually playing or GM'ing?" Silver Spoon asked Pinkie Pie, who for some reason insisted on "observing" the current game. She was playing a game called "Last Myth", where the players took on various fantasy "job classes" and went on various quests, with Diamond Tiara and Scootaloo. Silver was playing as a Bard named Argent, Diamond was playing as a White Mage named Aurora, and Scootaloo was playing as a Dragoon named Panzer. Normally, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were part of this game, as a Paladin and Black Mage respectively, but they could not make it to this session, so their characters were currently written as "being on another quest." Button Mash was the GM.

"Well, you're playing as a Bard, right? I want to see if your singing is as good as mine!" Pinkie Pie replied, smiling as if that answered everything.

"...Okay..." Silver Spoon got back to the game. "I roll for a Distraction in order to get the monsters away from the villagers." She rolled a 6 and started actually singing, which caused all ponies (and the one dragon) in the room to cringe. "I'm a distraction... Of pure satisfaction..."

"Your singing succeeds in distracting the monsters... a little too well," Button Mash said. "Turns out they're extremely sensitive to loud sound, and they found your singing so unpleasant that they attack you and the rest of your party members immediately. You get KO'ed instantly and Aurora has to start setting up a Revive spell."

"Again?" Diamond asked, sounding rather annoyed. "This is getting really old, Silver."

"Sorry, I can't help the fact that Bards naturally have lower defense and HP," Silver replied. She suddenly grinned. "I guess that makes me a... spoony bard!"

Silence.

Scootaloo facehoofed. "You decided to be a Bard in this session solely so you could make that joke, didn't you?"

"Yup!" Silver replied, beaming. She turned to Pinkie. "So how was my singing?"

"...Eh, it was all right," Pinkie replied.

Session 9.5 MtangaLion

In her bedroom at home, the fingers of Twilight's left hand danced over her computer keyboard, while her right hand moved the mouse. "Network connection?"

"Check!" said Spike the dog, tapping the icon on his tablet computer.

"Voice communication?"

Spike tapped his child-size headset microphone with a paw, then spoke into it. "Check!" echoed his voice in Twilight's headphones.

Twilight grinned and adjusted her angular glasses under the headphones. "Then our first official World of Horsecraft raid night is ready to begin!"

Invites to the raid group popped up on their screens as soon as they logged in. Shining and his friends had already gathered in the Ponyville town square, so Spike and Twilight trotted their characters out of the housing ward to join them.

"Hey, Twily," said Shining Armor's voice on the team chat. On Twilight's monitor, Gleaming Shield, his max level unicorn pony paladin, waved at her purple unicorn pony mage. "Got your attunements all done?"

"All set, BBBFF."

"I nearly didn't finish in time," grumbled Spike. His character was a violet earth pony mare with a green mane. "I can't believe I had to hunt all over that wasteland for Starswirl *three* times!"

"We've all been there," said Eight-Bit.

Point Dexter chimed in, "That's nothing. You used to have to do that whole thing with the dragon cave too."

"Before they nerfed it," grumbled Gaffer.

Spike's canine ears twitched under his headphones. "And... you're complaining about that?"

Rainbow Dash's character came trotting up to them... a blue pegasus with a rainbow-colored mane (a bonus option for beta testers which was no longer available). A brown and white pegasus with a purple mohawk accompanied her. "Hey, guys!" said Rainbow's voice on the team chat. "Mind if my old friend Gilda comes along? I caught up with her at the Extreme Skating Exhibition last week."

"Sup, dweebs?" said a gruff female voice.

"Fine by me," said Applejack's voice. She sighed for some reason. "If mah brother can get an invite too."

"I don't see why not," mused Shining. "With this flexible raid size tech, the more the merrier!"

[Orchard Blossom has connected] scrolled into the voice chat log. "Thank ya'll kindly! Ah do declare, Ah'm more excited about this game than a sow in a fancy silk emporium!"

AJ groaned. "Mac, Ah told you, ya don't have to talk in character!"

"Why, there's no need to get all snippy about it, sister dearest. Can Ah help it if playable characters can't be colts in this here game?"

Twilight coughed. "I heard that they're going to allow colts in the new Reins of Chaos expansion."

"And griffons!" put in Gilda, sounding excited. "I can't bucking wait to roll one of those!"

Fluttershy typed "And zebras," in the game's text chat, too shy to speak up on the voice chat. "Zebras sound nice."

"I kind of want to roll a colt," said Eight-Bit hesitantly. "But..."

"Yeah..." Shining sighed. "I already have this character leveled up and geared. If I switch, I'll fall behind!"

Pinkie Pie spoke up. "Maybe... Crystalsoft will let us pay them money to change the characters we have already!"

"More money on top of the subscription fee?" exclaimed Dash. "Ugh, don't give them ideas!"

"Guys, if everybody's here, then we should get started," said Shining. He pitched his voice down, trying to sound all dramatic. "The Nightmare Moon Friendship Challenge awaits!"

Session 9.6 Alex Warlorn (Welcome to the Darkest Dungeon.)

Meanwhile, in the pony world.

And of course Poindexster did need to Starlight Glimmer for details on the Mane Six's adventure in Our Town (mostly due to the others refusing to give any) . . . and... Glimmer might have given up on revenge, and was willing to give ponies with differences a try again... she hadn't exactly forgotten Fluttershy playing to her feelings to help save her friends.

And reformed or not, Glimmer still had some strong opinions about her work.

"Me hiding my cutie mark you see was due to being unable to remove my own cutie mark, and needing to prove others you see, an example of Plato's Noble Lie if you will," Starlight had told Poindexster.

------

The mane six and Spike, and only the mane six and Spike gathered around the cutie mark map.

"Okay girls, time to play another of my brother's games. Poindexster said that to get the full experience, the adventure party should be composed of four players, no more, no less, and the players should go into the setting with bare minimum information."

"Four?" Rainbow Dash asked, contrary to popular opinion, she could count.

"I'm sure she won't mind if we went bend the rules a little," Rarity said.

The girls knew how big a stickler Twilight was for the rules... but it felt unfair that some of them would be left out. And why would they design a game they knew that they couldn't all play together?

Twilight floated an information package to each of her friends.

There were a whooping fourteen character classes to choose from. But most of them seemed rather... odd.

"A-Abomination?"

"Arbalest? What's that?"

"Bounty Hunter? Cool."

"Crusader... You've got to be kidding me."

"Grave Robber?!"

"What the heck's a Hellion?"

"Highwaymare."

"Hound Master. Oh that sounds nice."

"Jester. Well know what I'm playing as!"

"Leper... is that a kind of jumping pony?"

"Stallion-at-Arms. That's a soldier or something right?"

"Occultist."

"Plague Doctor, really?"

"And... a Vestal? Can somepony get a dictionary?"

A few minutes later looking up various terms.

"Also, it explicitly warned that the cutie mark crusaders were not to play it under any circumstances." Twilight said.

Rainbow Dash laughed. "Probably worried that they'll wreck the campaign setting!"

"Uh." AJ asked worried. "Is this one of your big brother's military campaign games again?"

"No," Twilight said firmly.

"Good!" Rainbow Dash crossed her arms, "I'm sick of having my characters machine gunned to pieces."

"But... Poindexster did say that he imagined Princess Luna would be the perfect and ideal Dungeon Master for this game."

Rarity asked. "Uh dear, please tell us the Princess realized that she had far more important royal duties than to host a silly game."

Rarity remembered firmly how many characters they all had to roll up before any of them survived to adulthood due to ancient diseases... on the plus side it made Rarity appreciate modern medicine more.

"Don't worry... I mean, sorry, I asked Princess Luna, but she said she was too busy this time to Dungeon Master." Twilight wilted a bit. "But she said she's eager to DM again."

The mare groaned.

In the end, Pinkie Pie choose Jester (to no one's surprise).

Rainbow Dash chose Bounty Hunter.

And Fluttershy, chose Hound Master.

"Dang! Ah wanted to be that one!" Applejack cursed.

"Oh my! It's okay Applejack! I can play something else."

"No no no. Don't ya DARE! I'll go with Crusader."

"Too bad, the Abomination looks perfect for you Fluttershy," Pinkie Pie said, then showing her growth added quickly. "I mean, they're meek and small most of the time, then become super tough according to this!"

"Uh... thank you?"

Rarity chose Vestal. "I'm a lady of PURITY! After all."

"If I switch out with you girls, I'll be playing as an Occultist," Twilight said. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. She heard distantly and shuddered. "Just the wind," she said to herself over and over.

"So what did Spike choose?" Rainbow asked.

"I'm thinking Stallion-At-Arms or Abomination if I get the chance."

"Huh?" THe girls responded confused.

"Oh Spike is Dungeon Mastering, I'll be playing The Heir, suffice to say, I'm your commander, manager, and employer, and proprietor. It's my job to manage you, to make sure you stay... adventuring fit between runs, decide which missions to tackle, and how resources are spent. I also have an indirect link to you in the dungeon so I know what's going on even if I can't physically act."

Next came picking out their abilities from the skill pool, this was silent enough, but it kept mentioning, 'stress damage'... something Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were to invest in the healing off, the others were sure they could handle it.

Then they had to pick one quirk and one flaw...

"You'll gain others based on your choices and what you encounter in the dungeon. Your characters are like living creatures, they'll change and grow based on their experiences." Twilight explained.

But what gave them pause... was the size of them and the ... oddity of them.

"Hatred of ponykind is a POSITIVE?" Rarity gasped.

"It just means you give extra damage to equine enemies." Twilight explained.

"Oh. I see."

"What's necrophilia?" Pinkie Pie asked looking down the list.

None was sure how to answer that.

A few minutes later, the ponies had their figurines out, and the dark and rather creepy looking forest map along with a prop up a rather decayed and dismay village that looked rather like Sunny Town in its true form.

"Now there's supposed to be a small tutorial section that-" Spike began.

"Tutorial smuck-orial! We're not newbies! Let's skip to the meat of it!" Rainbow Dash declared.

The girls gave her all death glares.

"As you wish...." Spike grinned. "So! You have all received an offer of employment! Promising redemption, wealth, and excitement! Or a place to be forgotten in. After traveling by couch on a madly twisting road where you swear you see the faint glimmer of ghosts, and no, you can't attack them, sorry, you arrive at your destination. The couchman reveals he is also the care taker. And greets you:

"'How wonderful! Another new batch of adventurers to Darkest Estate!'" Cackled Spike with a ghoulish grin on his face.

"'Another' new batch?... " AJ asked.

"'Darkest Estate?'" Fluttershy shuddered.

"'Oh don't let the name fool you, we're more like a Hamlet, the Estate, or what used to be to it, is up there.' He points at a rotted hollowed out giant manor on the top of a large cliffed hill overlooking the sea.'"

The girls took a closer look at the cardboard prop up. There was a run down inn, a blacksmith shop, a church, a training hall, a graveyard and a sanitarium!

"'You girls also feel a distant, ominous, omiforce around you, one that speaks to you.'!"

"HELLO!" Twilight said. "I'm SURE you'll do much better than the last group! I am your employer, and welcome to Darkest Estate!"

"WHAT last group?" AJ asked.

"Right there..." Twilight pointed at the picture of the graveyard.

"Ha ha, not scaring us Twilight." Rainbow said.

"Speak for yourself darling," Rarity said.

"We sadly don't have funds yet for most of the services we hope to restore to the town," Twilight said. "But with your help and my organization I'm sure we can do it. And if not you, your successors. Please ignore the blood stains on the cots and any used equipment and provisions."

"Ah have a bad feelin' 'bout this," AJ said.

"Our FIRST order of business is to retrieve a set of family heir looms from the manor. Not the TRUE manor of course... but close enough... Now then, let's see about buying you provisions..."

A few minutes later.

"Uh... what's with the magic light thingie?" AJ pointed at the candle at the top of Spike's DM screen.

"Oh that's simple, the darker it gets, the more stress you take, and the stronger the monsters become, and the harder the traps are to spot, but also the monsters give better loot."

"That last part sounds about normal at least," Rainbow rolled her eyes.

A few minutes later:

"Take THAT ya thievin' scum bags!" AJ's crusader said, slaying the bandit in front. "Now let's get the big guy!"

"Actually, since the corridors are so narrow, his corpse is in the way." Spike said.

"His corpse?! How is that fair?!" Rainbow snorted.

A few minutes later...

"MORE zombies?!"

"Lit another torch!"

"There aren't anymore!"

"Is THAT a giant zombie?"

"Oh no. It's something MUCH worse."

Another few minutes later...

"AGH! I can't take this anymore!" Rainbow Dash said, her bounty hunter bleeding and blighted and they were out of bandages.

"And neither can your character." Spike rolled the dice. "You bounty hunter stress hit 100, and that means," Spike rolled again. "Is now Fearful Rainbow Dash."

"Say WHAT?"

"You now scared for your life and self preservation is what matters most to you right now."

"Don't worry Dashie! I'll sing your back to sanity!" Pinkie Pie cheered.

"Pinkie Pie the cultist summons a tentacles and slams, you, you're stunned for this round, and you're pulled closer and out of party order and you switch places with Rainbow, which isn't so bad since she's so scared she'd have likely gone there anyway."

Next Applejack's Crusader came down with paranoia and was convinced even her own teammates were out to get her and refused to be healed.

Ironically, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie's combined stress heal efforts (her wolf/hound howling and Pinkie Pie's music) actually snapped Rainbow Dash's bounty hunter back to sanity when her stress level hit zero.

But at this point... half of them were at death's door.

In the end... Applejack's Crusader, quite crazy, and telling the other how they were out to get her... fell...

"So how do Ah get raised."

"Oh silly Applejack, death is permanent in this game, I thought the graveyard was a big enough clue."

"SAY WHAT?! That's it! My big brother is a crusader too and he's coming here to avenge me!"

"Uh... that in or out of character darling?" Rarity asked.

"Well, the good news is that you've retrieved enough of my family heir looms that I can open up the sanitarium again... you get to be their first new patients... don't worry, a week or two and you'll be sane enough for me to send you into the dungeon again. In the mean time, you can roll up the secondary team of heroes who can fill in for you while you recover..."

"WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED AT THIS PLACE?!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed.

Spike said. "Oh, the Heir's Ancestor, bored of luxury and decadence, turned to magic and science experiments, creating unholy horrors, before unlocking a portal underneath the deepest foundations of the family manor to the Outer God's domain, then sent word to his Heir to clean up his mess for him before shooting himself, but his ghost still haunts the place and the Heir can't leave either. Oh, there's a nice narrative enchantment, but Shining's boys are still writing most of it."

"Incredible, another band of heroes enters, but this band returns... more or less... is this the beginning of this thing called hope? Or is it a pipe dream?" A voice rang out from the game.

"Somehow... that's STILL less horrible than that WarPonies horseapples... and somehow STILL less nasty than yer brother's army stuff."

The death glares the others gave Applejack (except Fluttershy who was hiding under her chair and whimpering curled up into a ball... until her stress hit 100, and Spike said instead of going crazy, her character became heroic and saved what was left of the party from certain doom), they did NOT agree with her sentiment.

(Welcome to the Darkest Dungeon.)

Session 9.7 Ardashir (OOC: My apologies to anyone who ever played WoW and to :iconmtangalion: for using a little of the dialogue he wrote. Maybe someone else can finish this raid!)

"Okay, so here we all are -- wait." Twilight said. "Aren't we missing a few ponies? RisingSun and that new one she wanted to bring in?"

"THE NEW PONY HAS ARRIVED, FRIENDS!"

Everyone jumped as 'they' turned to face both a red and yellow unicorn, and beside her a Prussian blue pegasus.

"Sunset?" Twilight said to the new unicorn. "Good to see you, but," she typed the next words to her, privately. "Who's the newbie, and why is she so... well, so 'Brian Blessed'?"

"Oh! Ah..." Sunset looked at her 'associate', who was already talking excitedly with the other players. "She, well, you know how I was 'privately tutored' as a foal, er, child. She's the younger sister of my tutor. Call her Moonlight and she'll be happy."

"Amazing, this 'virtual reality'!" Moonlight said as she circled the other players. Gleaming Shield and Orchard Blossom seemed a little nervous under her piercing gaze. "It reminds me most well of Equestria er, I mean," she seemed to read a message Sunset frantically set her, "the lands shown in the game art."

"Does she know what she's doing?" Twilight called up her list of gear and enhancements and double-checked it. She said, "I don't mind showing some new player the ropes, but we've been planning this raid for a while."

"She knows enough," Sunset checked her own gear. They began walking up to the group, Sunset still speaking on the voice link. "I ran her through some simple raids myself. And she really wants to defeat Nightmare Moon."

"Who doesn't?" Poindexter said. He failed to notice Moonlight behind him as he said, "She's only the nastiest, meanest, ugliest villain in the game thus far..."

"UGLY?!?" Poindexter almost jumped out of his electronic skin as Moonlight roared behind him, "Foul as the Nightmare was, she shared in my own radiant beauty -- I mean! She is proof that villainy can hide behind a fair face!"

The rest of the group, all save Sunset, looked at her in confusion. Sunset seemed to be making choking sounds over the voice connection.

"...Okay," Gleaming Shield said. "We don't have all night, so better get going."

They turned and set off, with Sunset staying behind for a moment with Moonlight.

"Princess Luna, please," she pleaded. "I didn't even know we could rig a connection between Equestria and the internet using the mirror gate! These people think you, I mean Nightmare Moon, is some imaginary character! Please try to be unobtrusive!"

"Fear not!" Moonlight/Princess Luna said in a regal tone. "I shall don the cloak of utter humility this night, and display no knowledge a true Princess of Equestria would not possess!" She strode off after the EG-world Twilight and Spike's pony avatars, only to snort in disdain at the sight of Canterlot on the side of Mount Epona in the distance. They stared in confusion as she spoke. "What! Canterlot is fully a mile lower upon the slopes in reality! And such towers as those couldst never support their own weight! Have these game designers no knowledge of our word whatever?"

Sunset swallowed a lump in her throat and followed her, wondering just how insane this would get before it ended.

###

They soon meet Nightmare Moon at the Ponyville Town Hall, and:

"I did NOT wear a cape! Or threaten to eat foals!" Moonlight looked around at everyone in the game. "I mean, she should not! It is a jest in most poor taste."

"Uhh, okay," Rainbow Dash typed a message to Twilight and Sunset. "Either of you getting a funny vibe from the new kid?"

"Heh!" Sunset typed back as fast as she could. They could see Moonlight beujind her, speaking to the Guardsponies and getting the canned response. "Moonlight's just a little, er, intense. She''s really nice once you get to know her!"

"My sister, I mean, Celestia refuses to lend the aid of some of her Royal Guards to this quest?" Moonlight walked back over to them, ears pinned. "How didst she EVER defeat my darker self?"

'Sunset...' Twilight typed her a private message.

'Just a little longer, it'll work.' Sunset responded.

###

They met the Nightmare's first group of flunkies in the Everfree. A score of fierce Shadwobolts and Eternal Night Cultists confronted them. Gleaming Shield swiftly laid down battle plans.

"Okay, Dash, you and Gilda are our best front-line fighters, so you keep them busy while AJ and Big Mac..."

"A-HEM!"

"Beg pardon," Gleaming Shield nodded, "while AJ and Orchard Blossom use their speed to take them from the side. Twilight, you and Sunset lock their wizards down, okay?"

"Will do, BBBFF!" She typed to Fluttershy. "Fluttershy, maybe you could help cover us? That special 'Stare' of yours seems to make everyone back down."

"And we could really use your help," Sunset added.

"Okay," Fluttershy typed back, her soft voice somehow coming through even online.

"Poindexter, Gaffer, and Eight-Bit are with me, we'll be backing up either Dash or AJ depending on who needs it, and Moonlight..." They looked and saw where she was. "AHHH! MOONLIGHT! NO 'LEEROY JENKINS' TACTICS!"

Moonlight frowned at the gathered enemies as she walked closer. Far too close.

"I see! Our foes are twenty battle-hardened warriors and wizards, but I should possess an army of Shadowbolts and cultists! But... why do I not send them into battle all at once, instead of four at a time?" She looked at the rest of the group. "Does the maker of this game know aught at all about true battlefield tactics?"

The assembled enemies seemed to blink as though in recognition of the fact before they all charged Moonlight at once.

"Oh for -!" Gleaming Shield counter-charged, the rest of 'her' herd behind her. "Save her! Now!"

Session 9.8 BrutalityInc

"Nope. We ain't touchin' this." Applebloom declared.

"Why not? It's just a boardgame." Scootaloo asked, confused.

"Yep, it's just a boardgame... a board-game that just appeared one day in our treehouse withou' any foreword or warnin'. Sounds mighty mysterious, doesn't it?"

"I have to agree with Applebloom. It just sounds too suspicious." Sweetie Belle. "Besides, do you remember what happened the last time we played a mysterious board-game."

"Yes yes, we got blasted into outer space in our tree-house and went on an epic board-game propelled interplanetary adventure." Scootallo recalled. "It was fun when it wasn't scary with alien monsters and meteor storms. But golly did Princess Twilight and your sisters ran their mouths off when we got back, lecturing about not mucking about with mysterious supernatural board-games."

"Ah guess that's lesson learnt" Applebloom concluded, "Ah do wish we could keep that killer robot. It was nice after we reprogrammed it. Mah family could use extra help at teh farm."

"So what do we do with this game? Do we just bin it?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Nah, too risky. We put it anywhere near other ponies and it'll only be a matter of time before it finds its way to someone else, and then it'll be trouble." Rubbing her chin, Applebloom thought deeply before hitting an idea, "I know! Let's give this to Zecora fer safe-keeping! If she could keep the Alicorn Amulet from doing harm, there's no way any-pony could get the board-game."

"Yeah! And besides, we have learnt the hard way that you would have to be a complete imbecile if you decide to touch all the dangerous mysterious stuff she has in her Everfree hut without her supervision." Scootaloo added, "Who else could be that dumb?"

= = =

"Hey, Snails, any luck on getting that Amulet?" Snip asked the tall lanky unicorn he called friend, the latter attempting to reach jar which they knew Zecora hid the cursed artifact.

"No luck there; she put it too high up on the cupboard. And my magic still ain't good enough to reach it." Snails sighed as he climbed down the stool, "Besides, what's the point? Remember how that thing made Trixie so mean and nasty to us and Ponyville? Let's go home before Zecora comes back and find us sneaking about in her hut."

"Oh come on! It took us that much trouble to break in, we couldn't just leave without... er... 'borrowing' something to have fun with." Snip looked around the hut for something to snag, when he noticed something covered underneath some blankets. When he took them off... "Hey, what's this?"

Upon the desk, illuminated under herbal candle light, was the Jumanji board-game. It sat there almost expectantly, as if slumbering, waiting for the day when some-pony would awaken it, and begin the game once more.

Session 9.9 Grogar-the-oneser

"APPLEBLOOM!!!" Applejack snapped.

"Sis, Ah know what yer thinkin', but Ah can tell ya with a completely straight face that we had NOTHING to do with it this time," Applebloom said as a stampede of every creature rampage through town.

Meanwhile across town.

"Well on one hoof I am turning to a monkey creature, on the other hand it kinda neat to have these fingers. No wonder Spike's so happy with his claws," Snips said.

"Ahh, how come you get that and I got quicksand," Snail said annoyed as they were sitting on the table.

Session 9.10 Brutality Inc


"I still can't believe we're playing an adventure campaign with Daring Do herself, based on one of her adventures!" Rainbow Dash positively squeed, ignoring the annoyed groan coming from the teal-colored, hat-cloak-and-shade dressed pegasus sitting in front of her, "But why is HE here?" Rainbow pointed to the bearded and snappily-dressed earth-pony sitting next to A.K. Yearling/Daring Do, "I thought he works with Ahuizotl."

"Contrary to popular belief by her readers, my only loyalty is to the highest bidder who could buy the precious artifacts I can sell." Dr Caballeron explained, taking a sip from a drink. "Do remember that I was willing to sell her the ring instead of that old jungle monster in our previous encounter. Not to mention, we had occasionally find ourselves needing to work together as partners to a common goal before. Isn't that right, Ms Do?"

"Yearling." The adventure-archaeologist corrected, "And we're NOT partners on those occasions. Our interests merely align, temporarily."

"Are you two actually secretly dating?" Rainbow teased, recalling the theories of Daring Do fan-shippers.

"NO!" Both ponies declared, with emphatic finality.

"Back to Rainbow's original question, why exactly are you here playing a game with us?" Princess Twilight, the DM, questioned.

"Well, who says a gentlestallion adventurer cannot have hobbies outside the area of expertise? I play tabletop with my employees in between heists - I mean, digs." Dr Caballeron looked at the polished Crystalline walls of the palace around him, "I must say, if I knew things like this was at the old Palace of the Royal Sisters, I would had dug around at it years ago!"

"Don't get any ideas now." Princess Twilight warned.

"The Equestrian government occasionally looked the other way from his activities in exchange for insider information of the illicit artifact smuggling business in Equestria." A.K Yearling explained to Rainbow Dash on the side, "Equestria had a VERY long history; there's so many mysterious ruins and treasures lying around buried in other ponies' backyards it's too hard to keep track of all of them. Sometimes cutting a deal with crooks like Caballeron is the only way to know dangerous cursed artifacts like the Rings of Destiny even exists, and to make sure they don't fall into the claws of worse folks like Ahuizotl."

= = =

Dice rolled, and Princess Twilight saw the results, "15. Subtracting 3 due to the blizzard but plus 4 due to Rainbow Dash's 'Marksmare Perk', her crossbow bolt hits the Frost Troll on the head. It falls over dead."

"This can't be right." Daring Do interjected.

"What do you mean? It was a perfect shot!" Rainbow protested.

"Not that. I know from experience that Frost Trolls are usually more resilient than this; their hides are so tough and bones are so dense that they could probably shrug off a cannonball to the face. At worse, all those arrows and bolts would just piss them off."

"And the worse part is, those three-eyed ape freaks can regenerate any wounds you give them, unless you keep hitting them with overwhelming force." Dr Caballeron added, "The reason why they are so feared, besides being strong enough to break boulders, was that no-pony would be able to put them down quickly enough. Only reliable way to get them is to set them on fire, and that's assuming that the fires burn long enough that high up in the mountains, and even then it could still live long enough to tear you to shreds."

"Fascinating!" Twilight was jotting notes down even as they speak. "So how did you dealt with that Frost Troll in your book 'Daring Do and the Crystal Mountain Shrine'? You were quite vague about how you dealt with it."

"I lured the persistent cretin to the Crystal Mountain Shrine and let one of the shrine's defense mechanism do the work. It got crushed to paste." Daring Do revealed, "The reason why it was censored out of the book was because the editors thought it was too gruesome to publish."

Rainbow Dash shuddered; it seems sometimes fiction pale in comparison to reality, after all. "And... if the shrine's death traps could deal with it so easily, just what kind of gauntlet are we going to be running into when we get into the shrine proper? We're playing the campaign module based on that book now!"

"It's probably not as bad as you think. The game developers told me that they toned down the deadliness of the shrine a bit to make it actually playable." A.K. Yearling said casually, "They only kept 20 of the 200 interlocking death-traps, for example, and nerfed the Crystal Golems..."

Session 9.11 MtangaLion


"I have a good feeling about tonight!" said Gleaming Shield. "This week, we're finally going to get Nightmare Moon down." She bashed another Nightmare Cultist with her shield, stunning her so Rainbow and Gilda could finish her off.

[The Nightmare Cultist was never heard from again. You find 60 bits.]

"I must confess," said 'Moonlight.' Princess Luna's character shrugged... she'd finally gotten used to typing emotes, instead of expecting the magic to do everything automatically. "Even after these two months of twice weekly 'progress' and camaraderie, many aspects of this fantasy world still perplex us. For instance, Nightmare Moon has already defeated us thirty-seven times, and yet we are permitted to run back into the castle and come alive again after each attempt. Villains, on the other hoof, are only permitted to resurrect themselves once each week."

Twilight chuckled. "Let me guess, this is your first MMO. That's just how these games work."

Sunset put in, "Think about it this way. Imagine if you started playing the game, but there was nothing to do because some other bunch of adventurers saved Equestria already."

"But this chaos of heroes and villains ever coming back to life," grumbled Moonlight. "It is as though Discord created it himself!"

"Well, it can't be Discord," said Eight-Bit. "He doesn't even show up until the expansion. Unless... this is all foreshadowing. Whoa, that's really meta!"

"Ah think yer overthinking this just a tad," said Applejack. She turned and bucked the throne room doors open. "AFK while Nightmare Chatty-Pants does her speech!"

Soft, mysterious organ music started playing, while inky-black mists swarmed into the throne room and took the shape of Nightmare Moon herself. "You still believe that you can defeat me? You little FOALS! You will never see your princess or your precious sun again!"

Moonlight sighed. "Certainly, this part was more exciting the first time."

"I still wish there was a way to peacefully talk this over," said Fluttershy. She used her animal handler abilities to summon her giant bear and fierce rabbit pets, and readied her healing salves. "But I guess sometimes there's a meanypants that just won't listen to reason, and a woman... I mean, a mare has to do what a mare has to do!"

Pinkie Pie laid out a stat-buffing feast. "Flutters, have you been doing quests for that minotaur again?"

Fluttershy smiled sheepishly... the /bashful emote was her favorite.

"Shadowbolt Captains, to me!" shouted Nightmare Moon, still following her script. "Your Princess commands you!" Three big, scary batponies in matching armor flew down and posed around her... There was a great fwoomp as the camera zoomed in suddenly.

[NIGHTMARE MOON]
[The Eternal Night]

Then the villains all stood in place, waiting for the players to engage.

"Okay!" said Gleaming, after a quick ready-check. His/her group of roleplaying buddies, Twilight's friends, and Princess Twilight's group... all responded ready to go! "Everybody knows what to do... no, Point Dexter, I'm not going over the whole strat again. Pulling in three, two, one..." She threw her shield and charged, catching it when it magically bounced back to her.

"So be it," said Nightmare Moon. The organ music sped up, and a rock guitar joined in. "The beauty and terror of my night will be the last light you see!"

The Shadows Bolts charged their wingblades and came at them, making random sweeping slashes, while Gleaming Shield tanked Nightmare Moon, deflecting the powerful strikes of her silver mailed hooves. Fluttershy, Rarity, and Eight-Bit threw a steady stream of heals while conserving their mana. The other players dodged the Shadow Bolts as best they could while throwing attack spells and stabbing at the fallen princess. Nightmare Moon suffered no visible damage, but her health bar dropped steadily.

Nightmare Moon laughed wickedly. "You're kidding. You're kidding, right? Enough of these games... deal with them!" She flew high in the air while the Shadowbolts filled the room with elemental attacks... slowly moving tornadoes, a huge sleet storm that rotated around the room, and giant ice comets. Glowing orange lines on the floor marked where the attack would strike in advance... otherwise, it might have been hopeless trying to dodge it all.

"Phase two!" shouted Gleaming. "Air team one, go!" Dash and Gilda fought one of the Shadowbolts in the air until their wings got too icy, and Moonlight and Princess took their place.

One by one, the Captains fell. A earthquake shook the throne room, and five hidden pedestals rose from the floor, each bearing a different colored orb. Nightmare Moon returned, clearly furious. "The Elements of Harmony will not strike me down a second time." Powerful bursts of magic shot from her horn, striking each of the orbs. "Gone is the dawn. Come shades of twilight! Come madness! Come Havoc! Come infinite night!"

"Phase three!" shouted Gleaming. "Keep it together, guys!" New adds were spawning, one from each orb, one by one... Spirit of Deceit... Spirit of Anger... Spirit of Betrayal... Spirit of Greed... Spirit of Cruelty... while Nightmare Moon started attacking Gleaming again, mixing lances of blinding moonlight and lunar flares with her melee attacks.

One by one, the malevolent spirits went down, each releasing a different colored light that infused the closest pony, giving them a stat boost and a special ability. Often, Gleaming had only a sliver of health left before the next heal landed, and Sunset and Gilda actually fell in battle and needed to be quickly revived... but unlike the all the previous nights, the fifth spirit went down, and they were still in the fight!

"Oh my gosh, phase four!" said Rainbow Dash. "Yes, yes!"

"ENOUGH!" bellowed Nightmare Moon. She flew into the air, and a huge phantasmal full moon appeared shining above her. "I am Nightmare Moon. I AM THE NIGHT! And my night... will last... forever!" One more add spawned, the Spirit of Tragedy.

[Charging Total Eclipse!! 30... 29... 28...]

"Give it everything you've got!" yelled Gleaming. "Go, go, go!" They slashed and blasted, popping every cooldown they had left.

[5... 4... 3...]

And then the Spirit of Tragedy fell. The purified magic flew right past Gleaming, Twilight, and Princess... and merged with Moonlight, to her great surprise, but no one heard her exclamation with all the cheering and shouting on the team chat. The six infused ponies floated into the air, eyes glowing... the rainbow of harmony was unleashed...

[Nightmare Moon has been defeated!]

The sun rose, and Princess Celestia flew in, landing beside her restored sister... and several ponies rushed right past the touching reunion to open the blue and silver loot chest.

"I roll Need on the Moon Guard!" said Gleaming.

"What is this crap?" grumbled Gilda. "She didn't drop the Umbra Sword."

"SILENCE!" bellowed Moonlight, somehow managing to blow out a few speakers in the human world. "I'm watching the cutscene."

After that, everyone was happy to celebrate a little more quietly.

Session 9.12 MtangaLion


Meanwhile, in the executive boardroom of Crystalsoft, President Sombra nodded gravely. He was elegant as always, dressed in a charcoal grey suit with a scarlet tie and a crystal lapel pin, even if it was just for an internal preview of the media blitz for World of Horsecraft's first expansion pack.

"Reins of Chaos," he mused in his deep voice. "Reins... that's not misspelled, is it?"

"Certainly not, sir!" said a slightly flustered Chrysalis, Vice President in charge of Role Playing Games. "I checked it twice."

Sombra lifted an eyebrow. "Ah, it's one of those," he said, waving a hand dismissively. "It should go over well with the bad horse pun demographic."

No one needed to know that Sombra now spent more time playing said game than pretending to fill out spreadsheets and write mission statements. Or that he hadn't opened his desktop golf simulator in months, or that his unicorn pony shadowmage was a member of one of the highest ranked Royal Academy PvP teams... without cheating! (He was very proud of that.) Yes, no one needed to know, not Chrysalis or his employees, and certainly not his wife.

Sombra leaned towards one of the displays, frowning. "Confront the Lord of Chaos, Discord... Discord, Discord... Discord?!!" He spun around, clenching both fists. "You let the lead developer name our next major villain after HIMSELF? What on earth were you thinking? I want a villain named after me too!" He flinched at his slip-up, wondering how many witnesses he'd have to eliminate.

Chrysalis sniffed haughtily, folding her arms. "Too bad. I already called dibs on the second expansion..."

Sombra growled, grinding his teeth. Interns and middle managers starting diving under the tables.

"... but perhaps we could share!"

Session 9.13 Mooncalf99


Spike was perfectly aware that Twilight's "Teenage Ponies From Outer Space" campaign was weird, even by most game standards. Still, Twilight had agreed to let him co-GM, and he took his duties seriously. So he'd play along, do what Twilight would do, and give it his best.

He wasn't expecting to be seated with half the party in the kitchen, but Pinkie had claimed that split-party shenanigans required separate rooms. He suspected she just wanted an excuse to raid his cinnamon crisp jar. She, along with Gilda, Rainbow Dash and Trixie clustered around the small table.

"So let me get this straight," he said carefully. "You want to steal a flying saucer, combine it with a magic chariot, install a… a what?"

"The Mark 86 Patho-Fusion Overthruster," Rainbow Dash said, reading from their notes. "Emotion-powered engine thingy. We stole it from the changeling hive earlier, remember?"

"I thought the MiB took that into custody?" Spike said.

"They took something into custody," Trixie said with a smirk. She hoofbumped Pinkie.

"And then we fly it to the Horsehead Nebula, super fast," Gilda continued. She turned to Rainbow Dash. "You sure you can fly it with your…" She snickered. "With your fear of heights? Cuz I'm probably awesome enough to do it for you."

"I told you, I'm fine!" Rainbow replied. "Piloting is my thing, okay? Anyway, the penalties aren't so bad when we're in space. Still, I should ask Twilight if I can fix that some way."

"I thought App… I mean, Crimson Tape was going to, quote, ‘set your brain straight' end quote with that thing of hers?" Pinkie asked curiously.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, there's no way I was going to stick my head into her… what was it called? ‘Psychonautic Cortex-Meme Harvester'? That thing. Twilight was grinning far too much when Applejack described it. I'm all for doing stupid things, but even I have limits."

"Okay, so what are you planning to do when you get to the Horsehead Nebula?" Spike asked.

"Party!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"No, no, no!" Trixie protested. Seeing Pinkie's frown, she relented. "Okay, we'll have a party with whatever alien species we find there, but then we carry on with the original mission: finding the fifth-dimensional quantum raven!"

The table fell silent.

"Okay, you didn't mention this before," Rainbow said. "Are we seriously going across half the known universe to look for some bird?"

"Not just any bird," Trixie said dramatically. "The rarest bird in the entire universe. So rare, xenobiologists believe it is a living paradox whose existence is proof of its own non-existence, and can only be sustained in five branes out of a million."

"Where did you hear this?" Rainbow asked.

"Xenobiology class," Trixie said dismissively.

"Don't we usually skip classes with more than five syllables in the name?" Rainbow asked.

"Irrelevant," Trixie said, waving her hoof. "The important fact is that it is incredibly rare and has a cool name, so it will be a wonderful pet for Bright Light. And even more importantly, it will entice Mane Agery. She will stop hanging around Random Act and be my girlfriend instead."

Another silence.

"So this whole deal's just so you can hook up with Fluttershy's character?" Gilda asked incredulously. "Seriously, that's… I didn't know you swung that way, either."

"What, you missed the bit where she tried to suck face with the Diva?" Pinkie asked. Spike's eyes narrowed at the mention.

Trixie rolled her eyes. "It's just a game, featherbrains. Besides, it's for popularity. Mane Agery clearly has that cute ‘moe moe' thing going, and will be the perfect hoof candy. It will make me the most popular girl in school, and be a huge boost for my rockstar idol career."

"I'm still in on that, right?" Gilda interjected. "Being in a band is definitely awesome, so that should help my hatching cycle."

"Yeah, and that's definitely a good thing," Spike muttered sarcastically.

"Sure. You can play the drums," Trixie said.

"Aw, I wanted to rock the guitar," Gilda protested.

"Well, you can't," Trixie retorted sharply. "Bright Light is the guitarist and the singer."

"But the guitarist gets the chicks," Rainbow said. Hastily she added, "I've heard. Anyway, can you even play the drums?"

"It's drums," Gilda snorted. "You hit them with sticks. That's not hard. Yeah, okay, drums are cool. Drummers are cool. I can do that."

"So, getting back on track… you're still going on the intergalactic pet hunt?" Spike asked.

"I think it's a great idea!" Starlight exclaimed enthusiastically. "It's just the kind of crazy and reckless act to prove how much you care for your friends!"

"Wha… where did you come from?" Spike asked in bafflement.

"I'm sneaky like that," Starlight said proudly. She waved her black mask. "I decided Ra would want to get in on your scheme, while Lib stays with the others."

"That's going to make it really complicated…" Spike began. But Twilight would run with it and make it work, wouldn't she? "Okay, I'll allow it. Now, what do you do first?"


Meanwhile in the map room…

"You seem to be having a conspicuously peaceful day in the cafeteria today," Twilight announced. "Calm and quiet."

"I'd say," Discord said lazily. "It's a welcome change."

"Wanna bet they're schemin' somethin'?" Applejack asked.

Rarity let out a laugh. "No sucker bets."

"We're gonna foil ‘em, right?" Applejack asked with a smirk.

"Of course we are!" Discord said. "We're the good guys, after all." He put a dented and flickering halo over his head, where it slipped down over his ear.

"Maybe they're scheming something nice, like a surprise party or a chase for cute animals?" Fluttershy said. She giggled. "Okay, let's go!"

Session 9.14 BrutalityInc


"Yah little varmints!" Applejack called out, "Ah use mah ‘Stomp' ability tah smash the formation of stallions-at-arms!"

Dice rolled, and Spike interpreted the results. "10. Adding 2 points bonus for farmland terrain and plus 5 for ‘Strength of the Earth' racial bonus, you flattened half the company in a go and knocked down the rest. You also dealt critical in morale damage; the survivors scatter and run."

Applejack smirked upon hearing the results. "Lily-livered cowards; ‘em pikes and swords ain't a match for a mountain giant Battlerager!"

"Those ballistas in those guard towers, on the other hoof, might actually do a number on us." Twilight pointed out, "Luckily for us, we have the element of surprise on our side, which is why they have't been shooting yet. My cyclops Wondercaster use telekinesis to dismantle the closest three ballistas."

The dice results were not as good as she hoped, however. "You dismantled two of the ballistas, but failed to destroy the third." Spike announced, "The crew manages to fire a shot at you; roll for evasive!"

"No need for that! My stone giant Stonecaller cast stoneskin on herself and blocks the shot!" Pinkie Pie declared, rolling the dice. Sure enough, it was enough to tank the ballista bolt with minimal damage.

"Good thinking, Pinkie!" Twilight thanked. It surprised her how well Pinkie was doing as the playing as the group's geomancer, instead of her usual role as a bard, or a Reveler in this setting. "Applejack, I need you to move with Pinkie to the front and spearhead our push for the inner walls of the fortress while her stoneskin spell lasts. We'll follow up behind and provide support."

"Crossbow-ponies line up the walls of the inner walls, hoping to rain as many crossbow bolts as they could before you can break through the walls." Spike said as the group made their way towards the castle at the center.

"My cloud giant Stormwielder flexes her giant wings and casts whirlwind!" Rainbow Dash called out, rolling the dice. "Critical!"

"The archers are blown away as mighty gusts of wind sweeps across the walls." Spike declared, blowing a whistle, "Wow, you're all making very quick progress today, and this is a heavily fortified stronghold for your levels!"

"Well darling, our characters are not exactly ordinary creatures." Rarity pointed out. "Not to mention we had been mostly lucky with our dice-rolls so far."

Like a brick wall against a sledgehammer, the giants smashed through the inner walls within a few turns. But they were in for a surprise when they reach the final stronghold.

"‘Your will pay for demolishing my expensive castle, monstrous fiends!' the baron declared arrogantly, ‘My new cannons will make short work of you all in a single volley of cannonballs!'" Spike said, deciding to step up the challenge.

"You mean these cannons?" Rarity asked in-character, then turned to Spike, "My frost giant Frostweaver casts mass freeze upon the cannons."

Dice rolled, and Rarity's comments on their lucky dice rolls so far proved true as Spike saw the results. "Your frost giant froze all the cannons, along with their crew and ammunition, turning them into ice statues. The baron raged, and made a desperate final charge with his knights!"

"Fluttershy? How about you have a go?" Twilight kindly suggested.

"Oh! Em… my forest giant Treespeaker casts restraining vines." Dice rolled from her hooves.

"Vines erupted and ensnared the baron and his knights." Spike confirmed the results. "Seeing this, the garrison surrendered, begging them not to eat or crush them."

"Yes! The fortress is ours!" Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie high-hoofed.

"Didn't our giants already announced before the battle that they are not in the business of eating ponies?" Rarity said, rolling her eyes, "The very thought of it is simply nauseating."

"My stone giant even pinkie promised not to!" Pinkie Pie added, "We'll just clean house with half the food that the meanie baron had greedily piled up at his castle while sharing the rest with those starving pony villagers!"

"It is understandable; even in our world, I heard that giants from outside Equestria normally don't have any qualms about eating thinking creatures smaller than they are. That aside, we have more important things to worry about." Twilight declared, "We need to interrogate the baron over where the magical crown of the Queen of the Giants went. It was stolen by adventurers under his payroll, but I doubt he would be the one who actually wants it, given what it could do in the wrong hooves. It could be the emperor ruling over this powerful empire of the ponies we're in, or someone much worse for all we know. Time is of the essence!"

The other ponies nodded in agreement. Soon, they would glean information from the terrified baron about where he sent the crown to, and after leaving him to the peasants he oppressed to decide his fate, they were on their way to continue their quest for the crown.

All in all, this campaign module, ‘March of the Giants', had proven to be an interesting experience, to say the least. They had faced giants in previous games before, and beaten them like every other NPC creatures and monsters. But to play AS giants in a story campaign written around them? Complete with rich lore detailing their history and culture? And even their own version of the normal O&O classes? Now that is quite a change of pace.

Plus, the very thought of towering over villages and castles, shaking the very earth with each hoof-steps and being able to smash whole armies of tiny enemies is an exhilarating feeling that would never get old.

Author's Note:

This is a group-story/addventure/chain-story/round robin, fanfic 'story' of the Mane Six Plus Spike playing Dungeons and Dragons/Oubliettes and Ogres, with occasional guest players (like Trixie or Gilda), with Spike and Twilight rotating as Dungeon Master. It's intended to be an IN-CHARACTER comedy.

Each post should be more self contained, if say (in game) Twilight is fire balled by a Mimic in one post in a desert pyramid, the next post can have them sailing a ship encountering seaponies siren expies, each one containing a short joke, or an extension of a previous scene if that's what the poster wants. Time skips, flash backs, the ponies rotating different characters and campaigns, are all allowed (and ENCOURAGED) as long as the ponies stay in character (such as Pinkie Pie NOT fireballing a cabbage sales stallion and saying she thought he was a demon, thank you very much).

Pinkie Pie, "And pretty please do not take anything personally! It's just a game!"

Rainbow Dash, "What did you say!?

What's you post in the comments, it's then copy and pasted into the fic above, have fun.
IMPORTANT: WHEN MAKING A SUBMISSION POST IT AS A NEW COMMENT!


Session 9.0 Kendell2
Session 9.1 Ardashir
Session 9.2 Grogar-the-oneser
Session 9.3 Ardashir (OOC: To Kendell2, I hope he likes this addition to his wonderful idea. May others work with it as well.)
Session 9.4 Jarkes
Session 9.5 MtangaLion
Session 9.6 Alex Warlorn (Welcome to the Darkest Dungeon.)
Session 9.7 Ardashir (OOC: My apologies to anyone who ever played WoW and to :iconmtangalion: for using a little of the dialogue he wrote. Maybe someone else can finish this raid!)
Session 9.8 BrutalityInc
Session 9.9 Grogar-the-oneser
Session 9.10 Brutality Inc
Session 9.11 MtangaLion
Session 9.12 MtangaLion
Session 9.13 Mooncalf99
Session 9.14 BrutalityInc







Cover art by Lightningtumble.

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