• Published 28th May 2012
  • 1,806 Views, 32 Comments

My Little Flash Fiction: Postmodernism is Magic - aaaa_aaaa

A collection of experimental short fics I've written for prompts.

  • ...

Ron Paul and the Elements of Tyranny

Previously on My Little Shill:

"Elements of Tyranny: see Ron Paul?" said Twilight.

"But Ron Paul can't win the presidency Twilight, he's a fringe canidate!" replied Spike.

"He's going to return Freedom™ to Equestria! President Obama must be informed at once!" exclaimed Twilight, "Spike, take a letter to the Reptilian Overlord..."

"Soon, the Gold Standard will be returned to Equestria, and The Fed will collapse! Freedom™ shall reign again," said Ron Paul, laughing maniacally. And then he pulled out his copy of the constitution and cast a teleportation spell.

"Oh no! Freedom™! We must stop him! Hey, random ponies that I just met, wanna go into the most dangerous place in Equestria looking for ancient magic that may or may not even exist?" asked Twilight. The group nodded their heads and began on their adventure.

After walking by dozens upon dozens of FEMA internment camps, they finally arrived at the most dangerous location in all of Equestria: The DailyPaul forums. The forum was filled with goldbugs and conspiracy theorists who were free from President Obama's tyranny.

"It's just not natural," said Applejack, "ponies are supposed to be ruled by a tyrannical leader."

"I agree," said Twilight, "but we have t--- OH NO! A SOVEREIGN CITIZEN."

"Hey mister, get out of our way or we're going to fine you!" said Fluttershy.

"But that goes against the Non-Aggression Principle," replied the Citizen.

"Okay, I warned you," said Fluttershy. A hundred thousand tax documents appeared in the air and attacked the Citizen.
"Oh nooo, coercion, my only weakness, I'm meltinggg!" screamed the Sovereign Citizen as the fines stripped away his Freedom™.

"Great job suppressing that innocent civilian," said Rainbow Dash, "I just wish he was a Palestinian."

"Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find plenty of rich, white Equestrian males to oppress along the way," said Rarity, "Oooh! Look! There's one now!"

Hoity Toity stood nearby, not bothering the group or applying any sort of aggression on them. Rarity took this as a cue to stab him with his horn.

"I'm dying because I've been stabbed by a horn! And thanks to President Obama's inheritance taxes, the government will steal my money!" screamed the innocent, rich, white, Equestrian male.

"Mwahahahah" said Rarity, "all your money will go to the poor!"

"NOOOOOO!!!" said Hoity Toity with his last breath.

"Hey Rarity, oppressing the rich is fun and all that, but we have some Elements of Tyranny to activate," said Twilight.

"Hang on just one minute - I'm deciding if I should spend my welfare check on cigarettes or lottery tickets"

"Fine. Just don't take too long."

Having purchased both cigarettes and lottery tickets with the money stolen from the rich, Rarity and the group continued along the way.

"There it is girls - the Federal Reserve, where the Elements of Tyranny reside. But some Palestinian protestors are on the bridge, blocking our home land bridge!"

"Don't worry," said Rainbow Dash, "I'll just kill them!"

And then Rainbow Dash turned into a bulldozer and ran over the protesters, flattening them. After killing them, she twiddled her Jew mustache and laughed in an evil, Zionist Jewish manner.

"Anyone want pancakes? No? Okay then, lets get to the fed," said Rainbow Dash.

After a few boring and unnarrated minutes of walking to the Fed, they arrived in the Federal Reserve's mint. Among the stacks of worthless fiat currency rested several straw bundles - The Elements of Tyranny!

"One, two, three, four, five... There's only five of them! I thought your book said there were six!" said Pinkie Pie.

"Well of course you would think there are six of them, you illiterate leech, you don't even need to read," snapped Twilight.

"What's a leech? Oh well, it doesn't matter, daddy says that all I have to do is fill out a welfare form and then the goverment will give me all I need," said Pinkie.

"Ugh... Anyway, the book said that when the five are together, a spark will reveal the sixth element!" Twilight ignited her horn, sparks flying.

A bright light appeared, opening a brilliant, glowing portal. The American Eagle flew in through a window. It laid the Egg of Liberty™ and shed a single tear. The Egg of Liberty™ hatched into Ron Paul.

"Mwahaha, I win!" He snatched Twilight and then ran to the Federal Reserve Vault. Twilight's horn lit up again, but this time the sparks hit the Elements and they began to glow.

The Elements stopped glowing. "Told you so," said Paul. He grabbed a gold bar from his pocket and smashed the Elements.

Twilight frowned until then she head the sounds of galloping.

"You think you can destroy the Elements just like that? We'll, you're wrong, because the spirits of Elements are right here!"

"Applejack, who funded this expedition thanks to her government-subsidized apple farm, represents the spirit of... Big Government!" A bloated, orange dollar symbol appeared on Applejack's chest.

"Fluttershy, who forced the sovereign citizen to give up his rights, represents the spirit of... Coercion!" A yellow gun strapped itself to Fluttershy's side.

"Pinkie Pie, who was completely useless during this trip, represents the spirit of... Parasitism!" A pink leech attached itself to Pinkie's chest.

"Rarity, who beat up an innocent person just because he was rich, represents the spirit of... Class Warfare!" A blue hammer appeared in Rarity's front right hoof, and a sickle in her front left hoof.

"Rainbow Dash, who ran over innocent Palestinian protestors with her Bulldozer, represents the spirit of... Zionism!" A necklace with a Red Star of David appeared and wrapped itself around Dash's neck.

"The spirits of these five ponies got us through every challenge your supporters threw at us!" finished Twilight.

"But your spark didn't summon the last Element," exclaimed Ron Paul," Also, unbound delegates."

"But it did! A different kind of spark. I felt it the very moment I realized that I loved oppressing the rich. The spark ignited inside of me, when I realized we could work together to oppress more people! You see Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the spark of altruism that resides in the hear of us all, it creates the sixth element... The Element of Cooperation!" monologued Twilight.

A tiara with a purple gem landed on Twilight's head. She and her friends rose up. Her eyes glowed with an authoritarian light and a rainbow beam flew out.

"DELEGATES, TO ME!" said Ron Paul. And then the delegates appeared and absorbed the rainbow beam.

Ron Paul whipped out his copy of the constitution and said, "BY THE POWER OF THE CONSTITUTION, I VETO YOUR EXISTENCE."

And then he killed Twilight and her friends. The electoral college than overrode the majority's rule and elected Ron Paul as President. The moment he entered the Oval Office, all of Equestria was bathed in Freedom™ and then nothing bad ever happened again.

The end.