Shadow was always a bit lonely as a pup in both his mother's pack and with his father in Cloudsdale. But, when he hears news of a new princess, the princess of friendship, named in Ponyville of all places he'd began hoping for a new beginning. Here's hoping he is right. Follow him as he tries to make new friends in the acclaimed friendship capital of Equestria.
-My first attempt at writing a pony fanfiction, so any constructive criticism is welcome of course. Any spelling or grammar errors you see please tell me. As well as if you think I've butchered a character. But please keep it constructive.
-Also a big thanks goes out to my friend Aaron for proof reading the chapters!
Chapters (17)
So this story isn't bad -not nearly as bad as I expected- but there are a few problems.
For the most part, the grammar {to my limited knowledge} is okay, though there are some errors I've noticed {such as not capitalizing stand-alone i's} but nothing too glaring or major.
The following are my thoughts and what I see as problems with the story:
Chapter 1: His Appearance
What does he look like? There is, at best, a bare-bones description. Normally this would be okay for most intents in purposes but the character is unique as well as the main character; this makes his description far more intimate by necessity.
How far do the wolven features extend? Just to the teeth? From it I got: sharp teeth, paws, and messy brown hair with a fleck of red. Not bad, just barebones and certainly not that effective at giving us a visual of the character.
Chapter 2: How do ponies age?
This one made me second-glance fairly hard. In the last chapter you had Pinkie Pie. In this Chapter you place her at over 100 years old by virtue of having Spike away for his 100-year hibernation.
My only thought process for it boiled down to ponies having exceptionally long lives, but that's something you definitely want to clarify to readers as it breaks immersion fairly hard even if explained, and as silly as it is, I can think of more than a few readers that will turn away completely because of it.
Chapter 3: Dunno
Not actually read chapter 3, sorry. This isn't really my kind of story, though I may try to give it a once over at some point and update this post.
Til' then, keep doing what you're doing. This story isn't bad -it feels like a first story, but that's not a bad thing- but it has room for growth both as a story and for you as a writer.
6363853 First of all I want to thank you for the feed back, it's awesome. Addressing your first point of his description, i've never been very good at giving detailed descriptions, especially all at once, without making seem too klunky and unwieldy. Your second point, I tried to make it so that it had been one year since Spike left for his century long nap, hope that clears that up. And I am trying to improve with each chapter I write and go back to fix any mistakes I can think of or notice. So I hope you'll give it another shot later down the line.
...Shadow is a pony, right? If not then what is he?
6647254 He's half wolven half pegasus. Wolven is a bipedal wolf-like species mostly used in fantasy. I thought they fit in the mlp universe, so I added them and Shadow is a half breed, as I stated previously. Sorry for the confusion, I plan to go back later and clean up the earlier chapters a bit, to stem the confusion.
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