Only Chapter
As I walked home from yet another of Pinkie’s Welcome to Ponyville party, I felt it crack for just a moment. My smile faded and a tear fell down my cheek. Just one though, and before any pony could possibly notice, my smile was back and that tear was long gone. I laughed at something Rainbow Dash had said; or maybe it had been Applejack. Truly, I wasn't even sure who I was walking with, but I wished them a good night and went inside, shutting the door behind me to hear what should've been a simple click echo around me as my ears folded down. I forced myself to ignore it, and instead headed up the stairs; my hooves clicking against the crystal with every step.
Once more, I wondered how Cadance and my brother could handle the sound so easily. Maybe it helped that it was more than just them walking around after two flights of stairs, which I counted until I reached my room. My large bed was already made, ready for me to slide in and try to warm my body between the covers. And yet, I did not feel tired, and sat upon it instead. Looking around the large empty room, I once more, felt the tears fall down my cheeks. I didn't stop them. This time,I just let them fall, soaking into the fur under my cheeks, alone in my giant room. I went to my desk and took out a quill and parchment. I wiped a tear from my eye and dipped the quill into the ink and took a deep breath.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Tonight I thought about killing myself. This was in a passing though, something that just suddenly came on. I even know exactly how I would do it. Just power up a spell and forced it back inward rather than outwards, depending on the intensity of the spell, I could be dead before I even hit the ground. Obviously, as I'm writing this letter, I didn't do this. I didn't and I can't. After all, what would everypony do without the Princess of friendship?
So I say nothing and put my mask back on. How long have I been wearing it now? I don't even think I could hazard a guess, but it feels like forever. I ask this of you Princess, why friendship? I fear most the time I don't even know what it means. Ever since that day you sent me to Ponyville I've asked myself how much of this did you plan? Are my friends really my own because of who I am or is it what I am? There are times I question if I am but a puppet being controlled by some other being.
I thought about killing myself. Just going to sleep and never waking up. I thought about it, but I didn't do it. Maybe they aren't truly my friends, but for now I can at least pretend, and hope that this is not all one, big ruse.
Faithfully yours,
Twilight Sparkle
I scanned the letter for errors as I always did before sealing it and reaching into my desk for a small box. I placed the box on top of my desk and opened it. Lying within was at least twenty other scrolls, just like the one I had finished. I stared at them for a few moments before shaking my head and placing the newest scroll on the top. I then closed the box before placing it back inside my desk, and moved back to my bed. I made sure I put my mask back on, and closed my eyes.
"The letters I’ll never send."
I open my eyes and smiled. I always felt better after writing one of those letters. It was a type of therapy I guess, even though I don't think anyone could understand. And by anyone, I meant dragon or pony. I knew it wasn't right to have these types of thoughts, but who could I talk to about it? Normally I could go and see a counselor. At least I could have at one time, but not anymore. How would it look if the Princess of Friendship had to go and see a counselor because she questioned friendship? Because she questioned love? It would make no sense.
I slipped underneath the covers, enjoying their warmth. Things would look better in the morning. They always did. As I allowed my eyes to close, I curled into a fetal position. I could still feel the dampness that covered my cheeks; remnants of the tears that had covered them. Maybe I should talk to somepony. Somepony I can trust. With that thought my eyes finally drifted completely closed.
In my dreams I was where I always was; an unending library where I could read and not be bothered by anything for as long as I wished. This time though, I wasn't alone. Sitting in my reading corner was a very familiar alicorn, paging through a book haphazardly while sitting on the loveseat. I didn't know why Luna surprised me as I slowly walked over to her. She looked up at me and smiled.
"You realize, Twilight Sparkle, that you are not the only one of us that feels this way? I myself still feel as if the world may be better off without me, as evidenced by the tantabus. But was it not you who told me that I needed to forgive myself? You were, and are still, correct, but I needed help to forgive myself then, and I still need help now.”
I hesitated, unable to find my voice. So I simply nodded, since I wasn't sure what Luna was going to say.
"Send that box of letters to my sister. Let her help you with your pain, just like she's trying to help me through mine. "
Luna smiled as she wrapped a gentle wing around my trembling body. I leaned into her, trying to absorb all of her body warmth. Luna gently nuzzled me like one would a foal.
"I think you'll come to realize that she understands far more than you may believe she does."
When I awoke the next morning, I gave Spike the box and told him to send it to Princess Celestia without question. He did so. About an hour later I received a reply. From the wrinkled paper and messy hoofwriting, it looked as if it were written in almost immediate response. It was still effective though. I felt my eyes fill with tears once again, this time with hope.
As the room flashed gold and I felt trembling wings wrap around me the parchment fell to the floor displaying the two words that were written upon it.
I'm coming
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Damn this is a serious story 11 out of 10
have a like, you deserve it
All the hugs and feels at the end.
I feel like this need a mother chapter. Ware casestea helps twilight.
Wow... just... wow. That was beautiful and horrifying at the same time. You hit that feeling right on the nose when it comes to depression. And honestly, not going to a counselor because of what others would think of you is quite common too. Believe me. I know.
Anyway, it was amazing. Have a like and a fave.
--Stahl
Nice writing, though I would like to see more.
This made me cry happy, gentle tears. Well done.
~oh my god gave meh a heart attack of da feels
I will never look at twilight the same way again
Wow did I love this ^^
Be nice is there was a follow up where we learn why she's like this, but I'm also happy you didn't make it like te other or-shots under 2000 words like it where it's all depression, no explaintion or anything to take out of it. It's sad, but it makes the moment happy moments much more brighter
I love that Luna was the one that was the bridge to help Twilight seek help.
This was beautiful.
man this story is so well done i love it, still i think the scene of luna needs more words in it like an introduction to let the tension build before luna gets to the point
that was beautiful
I could go for a full story on this, anyone know a story about one of the main six or princesses going through depression?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/8/7/394129.png
In case anyone needs it
1-800-273-8255
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Amazing! I honestly didn't think that an 1100 word one shot could be so good. Props!
From age 12 to 16, my plan in life was to commit suicide before I turned 25 or so. I never felt connected with anyone around me. I hated my home and my family, even though I had little reason to. Sure, my dad had a short temper, but he always meant well; sure, my stepbrother was (and still can be) an annoying little shit, but he can't help how his (not mine) mother raises and treats him.
There was just... nothing. Days passed without anything meaningful happening. Yesterday might as well not have existed. Tomorrow was terrifying, but I could always think about the moment I had the courage to end it.
I still can't see myself being happy, but every few days, I can talk to my friend; the one who I promised I wouldn't end it so suddenly. He can make me smile. My therapist is just... she's so wonderful. It really helps to finally have someone to talk to.
This story hit me square in the chest. Thank you for sharing this, for reaching out to show everyone how not-alone they are.
Thank you.
I'd think continuing this would be much harder, given the expectations, but possible.
Nice.
Omg I am seeing so many good comments. I definitely will read this now.
Holy fuck, that felt good on the inside. My organs are having a party right now.
I'm not sure how I feel about this story; while it was technically very well, and was very easy to read, it didn't seem as heavy as something like this should have felt. Why did she question friendship? Maybe I missed something, but it doesn't seem like there's any real reason to question it. As someone with suicidal depression, I always find myself rationalizing why I feel like I have no connections to people, even if it is a completely flimsy reason. Twilight's simple statement feels... off. Inauthentic. But that's really the only issue I find there. The very simple acknowledgement of the emotion is sport on, and I tend to find people make melodrama around suicidal thoughts. Unless they are in moments of rage, a suicidal ideation comes on in the form of a slowly sinking feeling of utter despair and gloom. It is not a dramatic thing; it simply is, and depending on the frame of mind before the thought settles (for example, if the person is coming from a party on the positive end, or has just had a very stressful day at work on the negative), the person will consider if actions beyond thoughts are necessary.
It is endearing that Twilight was rescued by Luna (which went by far too quickly; I felt more could have been written there), but there is no rescuer like her for many people. Depression is an inescapable cage. Words only move people so far, and drugs, which rarely work, destroy your personality and give you a legal addiction to cope with. It's wonderful that Twilight was able to receive the help she did before things got too out of hand, but the sad reality for many depressed people is that we will have to suffer through incredible waves of completely hopelessness and oppressive gloom with tiny, brief teasers of normality that do not last for longer than a week or two between. Some people are lucky enough to outlive depression, but for many it's a lifelong affair. Maybe it still is for Twilight in this fic, I don't know. All she has is Celestia to talk to. But maybe in this world of fantasy, she can be happy again.
Aw jeez, that was somewhat melodramatic myself. I guess this is why I don't write stories about depression.
6348858 Well, for me (someone who loves to over-analyze) it was pretty clear why she felt the way she did: She was questioning whether her friends were her friends because they liked her, or because it was predestined. Were they friends with Twilight Sparkle, or the Princess of Friendship?
Then again, I agree it was a little vague in the fic itself...
I agree with Regidar, this story is just kind of... flat. It could've been any other fic out of that whole "Twilight is depressed" subgenre and I wouldn't even have noticed the difference. It's utterly generic.
6348921 Just a little bit of clarity would have been enough for me to reach this same point, as I am not exceptionally talented at gathering so much from so little.. The issue is that story itself never states, or even implies, that. It's just something that COULD be inferred.
I love this. Despite the people nitpicking it about dynamics, it isquite good, and connects with readers on a very personal level. It is short and simple, but hits hard. Again, I love it. Beautiful.
Well done, Foals Errand.
The mark of a good story is if it resonates with the audience. If giving "a reason" detracts from that--perhaps if someone reading is put off because her reason doesn't match that readers--then this story won't resonate.
As evident throughout the show, Twilight's OCD. And given that her ascension to alicorn status happened in such a haphazard manner, it's to be expected that she could have doubts about being "worthy". Those sorts of doubt can easily lead to depression and suicidal thoughts.---or maybe what I just said is utter bullshit in this case. It may be perfectly valid in the next TwiSad story. Or not. It's more important to make the story resonate with the readers.
But it really doesn't matter if the reason I gave above was the real thing behind this piece or if it was entirely different...
...what matters is anyone can have such feeling, impulses, and thoughts.
...what matters is that no one should act on such feelings, impulses, and thoughts.
...what matters is that they should seek for help.
...what matters is that anyone who learns of another's problems should be supportive and encourage them to seek help.
...what matters is that they get help.
...What matters is, in this piece, that all five of those things happened
Twilight's character here feels like it lacks a real tie-in with canon Twilight. It's some spiffy writing, but, overall, I was disappointed not to see believable reasons for her pain. Instead, the writing just tells us: she doubts and she suffers. So Celestia guides her to Ponyville and might have pushed her into friendship... why not be grateful? Who or what experiences taught Twilight that she couldn't be loved genuinely by her friends (and worthy of that love) just because she was set up to meet them? If I were looking for something to just make me sad, this might have appealed to me. I had my doubts before reading, based on the description, so I might be biased, but this appears to be little more than indulgently depressing (written for the sake of feeling sad) --emotions and descriptions unfittingly superimposed over a known popular character. I'll stick to clop if I want that.
Great writing, regardless. Keep up the good work.
6348571 we need more people like you on the site. I'm not depressed, or suicidal, but thank you. Really.
-TUC
Normally these types of stories where a pony feels suicidal feel so unnatural or worse still, feel like they are trying too hard to elicit a response.
This does not. This story does exactly what it needs to, keeping its ruffles in check.
And that ending was striking in its abruptness.
Good stuff.
Wonderful story, Foals. Felt very... well, realistic having Twilight this way. I came in dreading an angst piece, but got this instead. Awesome work!
I agree with A Random Time Lord. This feels like it could easily have another chapter. But even without one, the almost visceral reaction you got out of me with this one is astonishing. VERY well done, sir or madam.
Stories like this? These are the reason I went from neutrality towards Tia to outright loving her. And you've captured that feeling for me once again. Kudos to you.
My eyes...
...Beautiful...
"Trigger warning: Suicidal and depressive thoughts"
Trigger warning translation: The main character is a weak-kneed sister (typical for a woman, and especially typical for Twilight) whose too much of a pussy to handle life.
Trigger Warning: Spic, Wetback, Beaner, Bean Easter, Border Hopper, Fence Jumper, Nigger, Porch Monkey, Coon, Sambo, Shit skin, Tar baby, Spook, Yank, Limey, Mic, Ruskie, Ivan, Kraut, Jerry, Hun, Fritz, Cracker, Honkey, Whitey, White Trash, Nip, Jap, Chink, Charlie, Hadji, Camel Jockey, Sand-nigger, Towel Head, Rag-head, Paki, and fuck you.
6349929
Wow. Are you trying to win the Asshole of the Year award?
Welp... I'm saddened now, and this was a very nice short tale. And it really captures that depression people get.
I was like this once, depressed and thinking bout that crap. But I'm past it now.
Awesomely told story, you made a damn good story.
Good show, you deserve a favorite.
6349929
Damn dude... that's harsh... legit.
6349929
Wow, I can't believe I'm saying this but I don't like your attitude and you don't represent the fandom at all.
6349971
Asshole of the year award? The author's so bitch tittied that he's actually using the word 'Trigger Warning' in an unironic way, indicating that he's actually so fucking retarded, he thinks people have a write not to be offended, which is fucking wretched and fucking hilarious for at least two reasons:
1) He's making a fucking fic that takes a little girl's television show and makes one of the protagonists even weaker in character than she already is to the point where she's suicidal. Even if he was a complete Gamma males who'd dickless chicks walk all over him like a little fagaloon, you'd think he'd have at least enough balls to tell people who might not like such a story because they find it 'offensive' to go fuck themselves with a rusty pineapple. Apparently though, he's even more of a pussy ass woman than Twilight is in this story (and in general).
2) He's part of a fandom that has no qualms about shipping little kids with far older people. Consistency, what's that?
3) What if a reader gets a 'Trigger Warning...' about the word, 'Trigger Warning?'
This story I was almost expecting to skim and be 'meh'.
I finished it and read the final line and got chills.
Well done, literally only a few have managed that.
6349996
Buddy... the WORLD is harsh and trying to teach kids and college age kids bullshit that should only ever be mocked and derided like 'Trigger Warnings' is only going to make it easier for the world to chop off your pecker and berries and shove it down your throat. Neither you nor I nor the author nor anybody reading the author's work has the right to be unoffended, happy, or fuck, even to feel safe in our own homes and it's especially hilarious (as well as inconsistent) coming from a guy whose part of a fandom that's obsessed with steamy romances and jack-off material more trashy than Harlequin books and Literotica combined.
6349929 You tried.
I know it isn't the main focus, but I like how this story addresses the issue of Twilight being declared the Princess of a concept that no one can realistically be expected to have mastered or controlled. This would be a similar issue with Cadence - as Princess of Love, she cannot afford to ever reveal any marital problems that will inevitably come up, which is not at all healthy.
6350037
6349929 report to riot gamesXD
6349929
Gimme some of that thing you are smoking. Looks wicked doe.
6350018 Dude, you're just being a huge jerk here.
6350037 Dude, a lot of people put trigger warning on stories, it a good way to warn them about stuff they may not enjoy. I for one like them. So good on the author for the trigger warning. And if you don't like these stories, then why in the fuck are you here then being an outright dick in the comments section?
wow, a very deep story, this make think about what Twilight can feel about being a princess and that maybe one day her friends will be gone.
6350195
Because he by his own bio... He is an 18 year old Army brat who has temporarily run out of Dragon Ball cartoons and Superhero comics to occupy his time. So he's trolling (Or maybe he really wants to be a part of "a fandom that's obsessed with steamy romances and jack-off material more trashy than Harlequin books and Literotica combined" I can't swear to which but its a binary solution set.)
It's miserably hot and humid in Winter Park Florida so he's bored. That's all. Go get your lunch Vunderguy. I hear the PB and J calling you but be a MAN and leave the crust on.
This could have been a bit better. Its good... But it feels far too short for what it is. Some more length and detail would have driven home the emotion behind it a bit better.