Chapter 1: Pain In Plenty
The sun was low in the sky now and the cold was settling in. The man walked along the old gravel road as he gazed up at the setting sun. He knew it was going to be a cold night, he'd been through enough to be certain of that much. The man had no location in mind to head to. He was just walking, always walking, never stopping unless it came to eating what little he had, or resting with what time required it. But mostly, he just traveled the world as it was.
Today was an unusually chilling day, especially for the Fall just creeping around the corner in this side of Nebraska. But it wasn't just the cold, the world appeared empty of life that day, and the towns the man walked through were slick with the damp air. The man however just shook it, and the constant feeling of loneliness off and kept pressing on. He was a lone traveler after all, he did have a reputation to answer to. But time and time again there would be the same old question that would ring out everyday through each town he went through. Why does the world seem to get so cold? The man would probably never find the answer, but in life there is an answer for everything. Whether he will seek it out to its fullest extent, only time could tell.
The man knelt down on the ground before pulling his backpack off, he opened the pack and inside was a small jacket, folded into ways unconceivable to those who prefer their clothes "unwrinkled". The man took out and wrapped the old coat around himself. Tonight was indeed going to be a cold one...
The man stood back up and began walking once more, a smile grew on his face as he watched the golden glow of the setting sun. The light from the great star shown on the trees above the man and made the leaves look as I they had a tint of gold in them. But while the man was looking at the trees he failed to notice the danger of the road he was on and before he knew it, the man's foot struck a rock and he collapsed to the floor of the road in one fell, hard swoop. The last thing the man saw was a particularly large rock his face was about to impact and then his world went black...
"What is it? I can't recognize it from any of our books!" voices spoke out as the mans world began to come into place once again. The voices sounded odd to the man, almost as if they were stuffed from allergies or a deep fog layed between their speech. He thought then that someone had found him for the worse, but when he opened his eyes he was greeted by a very, very, bright light and was forced to close his eyes once more as a splitting pain went through his temple. He groaned in response to the pain and began to rub his eyes. How long was he out? who were these people and were they here to help? And if so, why weren't they helping? these thoughts and more were going though the mans mind but he knew the answers he seeked remained hidden under the bright light of the sun.
"Look, its waking up!" one of the people said. "Get back, it might be dangerous!" Another one said.
But in response to all this, the man simply retorted, "What on Earth are you talking about?." He said this with a particularly loud groan at the end of his sentence. He rose to his knees, and put his hands over his eyes to diminish the pain he would receive when he would inevitably open his eyes.
"Who are you?" The man asked as he managed to push past the blinding light to open his eyes. What the fellow saw and felt next was as if the very sun were inside of him, burning him from within and he began to scream in pain and close his eyes once more, for all he could see was a bright light, a bright, horrifying light. The burning he felt stopped suddenly, almost like a wave that could drown him but stopped just short. He breathed heavily and groaned uncomfortably, his hands clutched tightly around his core as if to provide a bandage. However, nothing now remained of that loathsome fire and the mane slowly began to pull away from himself, this time rising to his full height as his eyes awakened.
And so at long last, the man stood up and awoke to a world of a different kind. The world in which he awoke was not too different from the one he was accompanied by not too long ago. Besides it being moderately warmer, it was very reminiscent of home. But there was a very shocking turn of events The man was staring into the eyes on two colored creatures with strange marks on their flanks and two small horns protruding from their heads. But none of this mattered to the man as he could only stare at the frightful looks that the two unicorns gave him. The last thing the man saw was a bright glow on one of the unicorns head and he fell to the ground once more; unconscious.
The next thing the man knew was a foggy mind as he began to wake once more to the strange world. He had no idea what was going on, and truth be told, he really didn't want to find out. All he wanted to do was wake back up and continue on his lonely walk through the world. But he would later find out that that particular endeavor would be quite difficult to complete.
The man opened his eyes again, and was thankfully greeted by the soft light of the sunset instead of the blinding light of midday. The man sat up and shook his head, a strong headache was forming in his temple and he took his backpack off. Within his backpack the man pulled out a small medical container. The man then proceeded to pull out had a small bottle full of pills, the man opened the bottle and took a couple of the pills out and then proceeded to swallow. He grabbed his canteen that he had laying on his side and proceeded to drink to aid the pills in their trip down his esophagus.
The man sighed and closed his eyes, he dropped the pill bottle and brought his hands to his eyes, rubbing then softly. The man, after he had rested for a few moments, then stood up and walked over to the other side of the dirt path he was currently on. The man sat down on the other side, leaning on a tree. All kinds of thoughts ran through the mans head as he gazed up at the setting sun. What had really happened to him after he had hit that rock? When that particular thought went through the mans mind, it brought something forth. He now noticed that he was in a completely different area then he was when he hit that rock.
The man stood up swiftly and his heart had begun to pick up its beat. He looked around, franticly trying to remember anything about him wondering off somewhere. But as soon as the man started to panic, he calmed himself. he took a few deep breaths and sat back down, he knew to well what happened when you panicked, and he sure didn't want to do it again. He also knew it was quite a bit warmer wherever he was, although he knew that it should be quite a bit colder. Though it was still cold enough to keep his jacket on, the man just cast the sudden change in heat off and blamed it on the area he was in.
The man grabbed his pack that he had placed on the ground and brought it to his lap. Already the Aspirin was doing its thing and the man opened his pack and brought out a bag of smoked fish. He opened the bag and began to lightly snack on the good tasting food. He then proceeded to rest his head against the tree and close his eyes. Everything was so quiet and peaceful, it was as if he was in a whole new world and all the man could do was suck in the peace. However, the mans head began to swim and he grew suddenly tired, the next thing he did was open his eyes and let out a sigh. He ate one more piece of fish and then began to put everything away into his backpack while also bringing out his sleeping bag that was wrapped around his back.
The man stood up and walked into the woods. He would get some sleep, for tomorrow would be a heavy day of traveling. He walked on for a few minutes until he found a small clearing. He then grabbed a stick and stabbed it into the ground in the direction of where the road was. He knew all he could really do was walk on the road until it may eventually lead to something. But as for now, the man laid his sleeping bag on the ground and slipped into it. Today was a very odd day and he hoped tonight and tomorrow would be much better.
However... As he would soon find out, his wish, would not come true...
"What should we do?" One of the ponies said, worry clear in their eyes. After her friend had cast that flame spell on that strange creature it had passed out and then they both flipped and galloped with all their might away from the creature. And now they found themselves in the small town of Saddleton. They knew of pretty much every creature that has been known to Equestria. But this, this thing was something different, something strange.
"I think we should get the guard." The other pony said. And in that time it seemed like fate had found them as a small batch of Royal Guards marched up the town road and were about to greet the two.
The two friends looked at each other before looking back at the guards and then they both bolted towards the guards, eager to get the message out that some dangerous creature was out there just waiting to snatch a pony up and kill it.
The two ponies galloped up to the guards and began to quickly blabber nonsense so fast that the guards were not able to keep track of it all. Then one of the guards shouted "Silence!" and everypony was quiet. "Now, tell us what happened, slowly so that we can understand."
The other two ponies looked at each other again and nodded to each other before looking back at the guards and beginning the tale of how they found the creature
"Well, it all started when we were walking down this road toward this town..."
What little did they know, oh how what little did they know. Fools carry fools errands I suppose and now we must watch what unfolds as this man will soon be hunted down and be brought forth to the whole of Equestria...
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CONGRATULATIONS!
Your story has a theme song!
(Courtesy of Columbia Records, by arrangement with Sony Music Licensing)
6482594 Wow... wow... you know, that is the very song that inspired this story!
I love 1 v equestria stories. Keep going pls. Also you going to keep it in 3rd person omniscient?
I eagerly await the next chapter
I think I'll follow this story, see where it goes.
6483146 I am going to switch between 1st and 3rd person perspectives.
And thank you! I also like 1 v Equestria stories, that is why I write them!
6483686
6483388
Thank you both!
I was interested in this at first. And honestly, it began well enough. But then the grammar and spelling began to degrade, the writing began to get stranger and stranger, and it became painfully obvious that the author was attempting to write in a more eloquent format, but was trying much too hard at points, which in combination with the other two faults led to quite cringe-worthy moments.
The main character himself goes with the cliche, "Oh woe is me, I'm so sad and alone, but I'm so dead within/hardened by the real world that I don't care anymore." Which could work, if more effort was put into the story. The ponies too, were annoying, especially with the whole, "we should get the guard! But where are they?!" [immediately insert guard squadron (insert corny thing about fate here)] "Oh! there they are!" [run over]. Well, that was boring, and practically bordering deus ex machina.
......... I'm being hard on this story(not as hard as I can be). And I'm sorry for that. But this caught my eye, was something I would have liked to have kept reading, and then I was let-down. Which upsets me, because I can see potential, and then I have to see it get mired down by all of these other problems. My advice is to read over and edit your work, get an editor to do so as well, and get a co-writer and/or some damn good pre-readers. You've got a general outline, now you need to work on the details or find someone else to do that for you.
Good luck, and hopefully you'll improve.
6485058 I know my grammar isn't the best, far from it. But I am improving (however slowly it may be.) and when I started to finish the chapter I knew it wasn't going to be the best. I knew it was going down but I kept it, why? because I like it and enjoyed writing this story. I am sorry I disappointed you but that's the way it goes and this is the way I want my story, just like this isn't the way you want my story to go. But we all have our own opinions and we all make mistakes, for we are all Human.
But do tell me, for I am just curious, what would you have wanted out of my story?
6485202
You're misunderstanding. It's not that you did something story-wise that I didn't approve of, there was just a lot of bad writing.
You're very quick on dialogue, the ponies immediately found the guards (that whole scene did not have a lot of breadth to it), you try to use more sophisticated words alongside more common ones and combined with the bad spelling and grammar makes the story quite jarring and hard to read, breaking whatever immersion there might have been. I literally cannot become engrossed in the story.
Along with the main character being some 2edgy4u emo type, I just could not care for him. These are glaring faults in my eyes, so that is why I will not continue reading. What you had right was an interesting theme/setting, the general story of some guy having to deal with prejudice and violence to survive was what drew me. As I said before, you have an outline, but you don't have the details, and the ones you do have are too cliched, corny, or nonsensical.
In the end though, my say doesn't matter. People will still read your story so don't get so broken up over one person stating his opinion. Just keep in mind this isn't anything to write home about, you need improvement, and hopefully this story will let you do so. Hopefully one day you'll look back at this, blush and try to wonder as to what you were thinking. And I feel the best way to do that is to point out the flaws of the story. It might be dickish of me, but if you just have people complementing you, you will never try to work harder and hone your skills. Although, if this all for fun, it doesn't really matter, does it?
6485298 Lol. my friend, you can be a dick all you want, in my opinion you aren't being one, your just saying what you see. I thank you for this, it is hard to find people who will be straight forward with you anymore and it looks like I just found one. And if your worried about me getting hurt over your comment, just shove that worry away, it is very hard to offend me and I am very proud of myself for that.
But as for my story, I know it needs some work, and that is why I write, to improve myself and to Hopefully bring some Joy to people. And again, I thank you.
Cheers!
Those two ponies are the biggest dicks you can find in Equestria. (With the exception of Gilda of course.) They are like "UMG ITS A MUNSTER BECAUSE IT IS NOT A PONY LETTS JUST BURN HIM AND CALL THE GUARDS BECAUSE WE ARE SPECIESIST LEL" I hope they get imprisoned for that.