• Member Since 18th Apr, 2015
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PyraBlue Heart


Ain't comin back

T

We all have that friend in the group. The one that stops the arguments, keeps everyone together and everyone likes.

Unknown to Sunset Shimmer, the human five did have a sixth friend in their group before Twilight came along, but he was taken from them a few years ago.

So you can imagine their reaction to when their silent friend returns to Canterlot High. But he has a personal mission this time.

To make sure that this group of friends don't fall apart. He let it happen once, he won't let it happen again.


Now with amazing cover art by the talented Nightglimmer22! Seriously, you are amazing

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Chapters (73)
Comments ( 597 )

Huh.

Well, aside from Rainbow feeling a bit out of character, and some of the lines feeling a bit choppy, it certainly has piqued my interest.

A protagonist who speaks in terse phrases, and prefers silence? Sounds kind of like the characters I like...

I really want to know what happen to the Bitch o a mom they had, sure there a story behind it.
Bet she regrets now, if she lost her son as well.

You made a post asking for feedback, so I dropped in to provide some. I'm not here to be insulting, but I have to be blunt if I'm to be helpful, so please don't take my criticism personally.

The first thing I noticed was that the punctuation in this story is almost all wrong. Comma splices are a systemic problem, appearing more often than not. Lines of dialogue that are followed by dialogue tags should end with commas, not periods. Where commas do belong, they're almost never present. You need to learn how to properly punctuate sentences, and in the meantime, you should find a proofreader to clean up these issues.

In terms of writing quality, the first thing that leapt out at me was the repetitive structure. In the first paragraph, all five main clauses are constructed the same way, beginning with a subject followed by a verb. This gets boring quickly.

A major source of the downvotes is probably the initial impression of the OC, where the main characters each talk about how how he shares all of their notable traits and is everyone's best friend. Then it goes into how if he was there, they never would have been torn apart by Sunset Shimmer. This appears to be a hardcore Mary Sue, and that won't go over well with discerning readers.

As I said at the beginning, I'm going to be perfectly blunt with you. This is not a good story, and in my opinion, it doesn't have any potential to become one, even if the grammar is cleaned up and the prose is rewritten to be less repetitive. That's not an insult to you—you've haven't (presumably) been writing long, after all, and you're still learning—but I think proceeding with this story would be a mistake. For now, you'd be better off starting over with a one-shot or two focusing only on existing characters. You should also read through some of the guides scattered around the site. Here are some links for you:

EZN's guide is fairly comprehensive (enough so to be posted as a site feature) and a good place to start.
Viking ZX posts a blog series called "Being a Better Writer," which contains a lot of useful information.
The Royal Guard Handbook won't provide much detail, but it will provide an overview of a lot of concepts to be aware of, and you can google the terms within for more information on them.

I know I've been harsh, but my intention is to help you become a better writer. To that end, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

6347353 thank you for the info, it is most helpful.

However, you say that this story has no potential to become a good story, this is where I have to disagree, not because I'm defending my story, but because of one word. Opinion. You may think that this story has no potential, and some may agree, but there are also ones that think the opposite.

As such I intend to continue this story, I appreciate your advice and I will see to it that I learn from it. Thank you for your time, and thanks for your honesty.

6347398 Yes, I explicitly noted that one point as an opinion. Also, that part of my advice was based partly in the mistaken belief that it was your first story posted on the site. No idea where I got that impression.

In any event, I'm glad you found my feedback helpful, and I wish you the best of luck going forward.

Hope the next chapter will be more emotional.

I like treble clef, he seems like my kind of guy. mysterious, yet charming, a man of few words but who's actions speak louder than any speech.
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/8a/4d/ee/8a4deeebdfe02e5b44d32287a8599369.jpg

6361713 thank you, I've always wanted to work with a character like this, quiet but not unable to speak

6361729 well from what I've seen you are doing a great job. in my experiences, when people try to do that they either give the person a few too many lines/words to be a person of few words or too few to the point where they might as well be mute. but you have seemed to find the happy medium in my opinion

"Please don't break mah arm."
"No."

...

"Look, I know we said some things, but I'm sure if we get to know each other, we can be friends."
"Up high."
"What?"
"Down low."
"Wh-"
"Too slow."

:ajbemused:

...

Oh, you cheeky, cocky, brilliant, magnificent bastard...
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5741-octavia_clap_by_samabayon-d50d6sc.gif

6361892 :facehoof:

Honestly, I did not see that coming. :trixieshiftright:

6361901 I thought it was fitting, I'm honestly surprised you didn't call me out for putting Scary in there

Comment posted by Lord Weesus Christ deleted Aug 27th, 2015

6361905 Sadly, I'm afraid I don't know that reference...:ajsleepy:

6362300 oh, it actually from a really good story called Bonbons Acceptance, you should check it out sometime

I do hope theres more chapter this is just wow awesome story me want more

"Typical, I bring a man to bed and he leaves first thing in the morning." She chuckled and began to eat her pancakes. "Dear lord these are delicious!"

yes, but pancakes make everything better

Fluttershy noticed something out of the corner of her eye. She turned to see a bracelet with a gem in the shape of a butterfly next to her. "Is that for me?"

One down, three to go

I smell foreshadowing...is this supposed to represent the element of harmony necklace or is he returning items that they gave him before he left, but in a secretive/elusive way

Im just ti excited to wait what will be rainbow reaction will be when she see him again ill die of happyness

The short chapters make me feel like its a cliffhanger Every. Single. Chapter. :derpytongue2:

6408583 Dude both pics accurately describe my current feelings. :flutterrage:

As soon as I saw the ending I was like "Aww hell, shit's gonna go down & real!"

Awww... The feels. :fluttercry:

It's official, I love Treble! :pinkiehappy:

Are you gonna ship Treble with Rainbow? That would be very awesome.

6424263 no, Treble and Rainbow have a brother sister relationship in this. I'm shipping him with Sunset

6424272
Oh, okay. Actually that's not a bad idea either.

Wow that was awesome now that was a spoiler now everyone know who he will be with but rainbow dash is ok too to date xD

6425969 it was already obvious.

They both thought the other was attractive, the groups that this is featured in are mostly Sunset Shimmer.

I originally intended for it to be with Rainbow, but I wanted to try out a romance story with Sunset.

I don't know... Treble is starting to lean towards the Gary Stu kind of character, what with him being perfectly able to talk down someone as egotistical as Rainbow...

6444098 one word, history.

The relationships between the girls and Treble all have something to do with the past.

For example what just happened with Rainbow. As it was told Treble was her first real best friend and often got her out of trouble, taking the big brother role in her life. Because of that she holds him as one of the only authoritative figures in her life, and there will be a more valid reason in the future.

I don't like to spoil things.

6444124 That's fine. Just letting you know that it could be interpreted as such.

that was great, I seemed to notice that treble's way of speaking is starting to become more honed. like he's staring to add sarcasm and other things into the way he annunciates himself, l like it. he's starting to become more fluid instead of just stone like or monotone/deadpan

6444447 he never was monotone, he was always an upbeat kinda guy, but he's matured since his childhood days.

6444453 oh, maybe it was just the way I read it in my head I guess. but nonetheless I liked it

"You want your mothers address?" Tavi asked with disbelief, I nodded. "But why?" I took off my hood and glasses, set them down and sighed.

...your mother's...

Im inlove with the Story...doesn't rhyme Oh well love it :twilightsmile:

How can he be immune to seduction, if he isn't immune to magic? The other girls were immune in the movie because they had some sort of magic in them

Did I just answer my own question? Does Treble have some sort of magic in him that is similar to the ones in the Rainbooms?

6461655 here's the answer but it's a bit of a spoiler

Treble is not immune to the spell but has some ties into the land of Equestria, I won't say how until later in the story. There is a slight bit of magic in him that has leaked into him from the girls, protecting him from full control of the sirens. The immunity to subduction just comes out of that he isn't a guy to think about women like that and has no diser to do such a thing. He built up resilience to it by fending off countless horny fangirls over the years.

I like how this is coming a long, maybe its just my inner warrior/fighter but I really want to treble bust some heads, but in a protective and justified manner of course as to protect his reputation

6461700 Ok... but that doesn't explain how he can do this!

He punched a wall, leaving a small dent in the stone.

6466268 the spell will have slightly different effects on him

6466367 Which spell? The Siren magic or the Equestrian magic?

6466372 little bit of both, I'll explain it in a later chapter

Ok now I want a plushy version of Scary... that would be awesome... AWESOME.

I've said before and i'll say it again. i love treble, he is my kind of man. and I espcially like how he doesn't resort to violence against women, instead he tries t defuse the situation by other more civilized means

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