The Equestrian Omni-Knight

by Azure5555

They All Fall Down

The town was empty save for whatever decrepit piece of armor, weaponry, or rotting bodily remains littered the streets.

The largest pile was concentrated in front of Sugarcube Corner. Upon entering I heard sounds of mixing and fluffing, and cracking and tossing.

'It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas...' I whisper in my brain.

"Which means presents for everypony but not too expensive!" Replied a frighteningly cheery voice.

*Shudder* "Pinkie you mad mare! Are you baking a cake without me?!"

"Get in here already! I'm missing some ingredients to this 'super special awesome we're going to save Ponyville with a cake' cake!"

'Damn Pinkie, my bad.'

Upon entering the rather clean kitchen, I noticed two things. One: Pinkie had everything in massive quantity, cake batter, icing, filling, more icing, various fruits, and more icing. Two: Pinkie Pie really loves icing.

"So...what are we missing?" I ask, semi-afraid.

"We need something that can take down an undead dragon! Your Night Slayer arsenal should be fine, but the ingredients will only blend...WITH SONG!"

*AHEM* (I'm not even warmed up though...) "On the ninth!-"

"NO!"

"On the eighth!-"

"NO!!"

My new pony body began to move on it's own, the armor matching itself to my form as I began to toss in various undead slaying weaponry along with the pink mare beside me:

"On the seventh day of Frostval (Wait that's not how you say Christmas...roll with it.) My true love gave to me!

Seven Silver Bullets!"

"Six Golden Axes!"

"Fiiiive Healing Wings~"
"Fiiiive Healing Wings~"

"Four Ashwood Stakes!"

"Three Werewolf Fangs!"

"Two Garlic Cloves!"

"And a Holy Haaand Grenade~! Hooray, the cake looks delicious!" Literal holy crap that was fast.

"When did it have time to-"

"While ya blinked!" Chimed the sugar coma inducing cotton candy pony.

The cake was a good seven feet in height, six layers topped on one another. Gold and silver lining, pure white body with streaks of brown and black, all topped off by a small cross.

"Okay, we've got our weapon now we just gotta-" I was beginning to think nothing in this world could get any weirder...but then I haven't seen a seven foot tall cake get stuffed into a tiny box yet.

"Yeah okay. I uh...I'll pay you later?"

"No can do, I've got standards you know." Damn it...

"Okay...how much?"

"Hmm...you DID provide a lot of the missing ingredients, and you DID sing along...two hundred bits!"

"I don't have bits, you take gold?" I magic out my money bag and pull out a coin bout as big as my currently non-existent palm.

"Hm...hoof it." She grabs the coin, gives it a good bite and pulls out a...calculator and a notepad?

"Let's see, numbers numbers numbers, weight, value, Auntie's chin hairs."

"What was that last part?"

"That'll be forty gold!"

"Deal! Give me the cake!" Box in hooves (how do ponies live like this!?) I attempt to leave, only to then fall flat on my face like a filthy casual.

"Pinkie help..." The box slid out from underneath me and Pinkie helped me back to my hooves.

"You know you can just put it in your inventory, right?" 'Oh yeah...I'm magical.'

I start running my forehoof over my frame and tug at air, usually this brings out an armor but for some reason nothing happened.

'Okay maybe if I focus on my inventory like I did my cash bag.' More of the same, tugging at nothing and getting nothing.

"Um...as much as I'm enjoying the show you're putting on, you need to get back to the Everfree." Said Pinkie with slightly redder cheeks.

'Oh shit what have I been doing...' "I'm so sorry." I say rather meekly.

"No, no, it's okay. Let me help you out." Suddenly biting at my shoulder, Pinkie successfully pulled out and dressed me in my mercenary garb.

"How did you...?"

"Trade secret~ now get out of here, before I give you back your gold." 'EEP.' Pushing me out the door, I get a swift strike to the flank making me motor back to the Everfree forest at a quickened pace.

---

The beast had now made it's way half through town, mountains of undead enemies now littered the street but no sign of new threats. All that was left were the dragon, Spike and Angel, Shining and Cadence, and three of the Elements: Applejack (Now fully rested and back in action), Rarity (Various gemstones held aloft by her magic), and Rainbow Dash (Darting back and forth between storm clouds).

'No time like the present!' At full gallop, I launched myself upwards, flying past the onlooking group of ponies below me. My armor's fourth wall instincts kicked in and I reached within the deep confines of my inventory, the box floating within.

One hoof outstretched, box in my grasp, enemy before me. "Have some CAKE! I made it SPECIAL!!"

The ribbon unwrapped itself, the box opening wide, a note...fell gently from within. "Oh [Ada wait!] bas-" A claw slammed down upon my back, the force of gravity and dragon bone pinning me to the ground like the head of a nail to wood. Various cries of worry fill the air, and as the claw rose from the ground, the note and it's contents I did see.

"If you're reading this, I may have made a teeny, tiny, eensy weensy little mistake.
On the bright side, you get to read my note!"

With lottsa love, Pinkamena Dianne Pie

P.S Good luck! P.S.S DRAGON FIRE!!!

'Dragon fire?' Without warning, the dracolich torched the ground at it's feet, me with it. This wouldn't be a problem were I nude, but let me tell you a little somethin' 'bout elemental modifiers.

Armors elementally charged gain specific modifiers against that specific element as well as a skill based on that element.

Fire resists fire, Ice to ice, so on and so forth. But what does that mean for other elements? It means water douses fire, light breaks dark, and in my case...The icy charge of the Frostvale Mercenary takes an increased amount of damage from fire based attacks.

"[HOT BELGIAN WAFFLES!!]" And let me tell you it hurts like a mofo.

"Pinkie Pie!!! You son of a [naughty word]! I'm gonna shove my various swords down your [bad word]! Why the [another naughty word] can't I [you should be ashamed of yourself] swear!"

The fire stopped, the ground I lay on a charred mess of soot and dirt. 'My life is a ball of pain.'

Before I could register the world around me, a large shadow grew larger, screams of worry and terror became louder, the world grew dark and the echoes of battle resounded through my awkward prison.

---

My limbs finally began to move, my eyes doing everything they can to adapt to the darkness. I was in a large cave like area shaped like a ribcage. 'A rib...cage...'

"Sweet mama jama! I've been swallowed whole! Pinkie I didn't mean it! Heeeeellllp!!!!!"

Pounding on the skeletal wall was a horrible idea, as after a certain period of time the wall would pound back with incredible force.

"No...okay...just stay calm. You're good...you are good. I still have the fourth wall." As if to taunt me, the disc I had created after my first day out appeared on my fore hoof. This time however, instead of giving me the time of day it showed me detailed information on my well being.

Health: 32%
Mana: 47%
SP: 5%

Heart rate: Critical

"Chétos. No Sp...the next spell will probably kill me...I'm done. It's all [woohoo] over. And I can't even [Smoke Weed Everyday] yell out expletives!!!" One final punch at my prison caused a violent reaction as the impacted wall crumples inward, a large spear jutting forward.

'An opening...a light in the darkness...freeeeedoooooo-'

A devastating explosion and the world is darkness once again.

-Roughly Five minutes before...Shining Armor POV-

Things weren't looking good, we lost our heavy hitter essentially crippling us. Spike and Angel had tired themselves out on the small fry, Rarity had run out of ammo, Applejack was on two bad hooves, Rainbow had one storm cloud left and the barrier I erected with Cadence had started to crack.

That was when the banging started. Short bursts every other second.

"Spike, can you target that area!?"

"I bloody would if it could just stay still for one second!"

'C'mon there has to be something!'

"Everyone back up, I'm going dragon!" Shouted Angel.

"Do it quick!" I yell back.

As the group inched backwards, Angel stood stock still in concentration. Fire surrounded his feet, scales began to cover his fur as the fire grew past his knees.

The giant undead dragon seeing easy prey, reared back a claw and brought it down. It never touched ground.

Locked claw to claw, what used to be a tall bi-pedal bunny demon was now a colossal fire dragon, rivaling the undead in size.

Titans. Gigants. These beasts once roamed Equestria freely, now the undead remnant of a chaotic age stood locked against an equal. Occasinally the two would trade swipes or headbutt eachother in hopes the other would falter. Neither did.

Angel's struggle bore fruit however, as it gave time for Spike to land a critical blow to the dragon's darkness covered ribcage. The spear's payload ruptured something as the beast convulsed and fell apart unceremoniously.

Within the bone yard was Azure, still in pony-form (I'll have to ask him how he did that later) and passed out.

"Cady, do you think he's-"

"What did I say Shiny? No talking like that. Rainbow, get Applejack to the hospital."

"Ahm just fine...Ah ca-" As if in protest, Applejack's front hooves gave out and crumpled.

Rainbow left with her wounded ally, Spike quickly trying to catch up. Angel had since reverted back to his biped form and had Azure in his arms.

The town was in shambles, but nopony was lost to the siege. Rebuilding will take priority, but it'll be worth it in the end when we finally have some breathing room.

---

-The hero-

'Sir please, stay with us!' 'C'mon mister! It's over we won! Don't die!' 'You idiot! I told you not to and what was the first thing you did!?'

'What are these voices? Who...what? I can hear a heart monitor...it's slowing. It's gone now.' Cries of sadness and pain filled my waking mind. But why? 'Who...diiii....no. Who died? Who died who died who died'
"WHO DIED!?" My eyes opened too quickly, the white roomed walls assaulted my vision, my last memory influencing my sight. The sound of a door slamming open and hooves on ceramic tiles echoed with intensity.

"You! You were supposed to keep us safe! Yet you let him kill himself for some meaningless royal guard! I should...I should ki...oooohhhh...."
The mare's cries were the only sound I focused on.

"Bandages is he-"

"He has a name!"

"What happened?"

Another female voice began to speak. This voice harsh, but warm.

"It was a terminal condition, the infection found it's way into his brain. Surgery seemed to be his only option and when we failed to cure him he became distant and hollow. That was until this morning when we found him erecting the barricades. The orderlies tried desperately to get him back in bed, but to they gave up after the third attempt.

By the time you met up with him he was already a dead colt. And as much as his widowed wife would like for you to believe, his dying isn't on you."

Silence, angry hoofsteps, a door violently slammed shut. The sounds of a bitter wife now widowed. An unnecessary casualty.

The door opened again as I began to test my vision. Shining Armor had entered the room alone, despite the crowd behind him. I raise my head a little to try and meet his gaze.

"So...what happened?"

"After Spike and Angel took down the dracolich, we gathered the wounded. Two injured, one dead."

"Bandages. I heard."

"He was a brave colt, but aren't you worried about the wounded?"

"AJ? She's tough, and she has Spike constantly on her heels. Who else got injured out there?"

"You."

"Aaaaaand?"

"Just you." 'Oh ha ha. Oh hey, that reminds me!'

"I didn't see Luna with your group. Where is...?

"She's currently being transferred to a cell in Canterlot. We'll have her back in Ponyville once the Guard sees how mad Celestia can get."

"I almost wish I could see that. Hey, speaking of seeing things, how am I nude?"

Shining developed a bit of a blush as he recalled something.

"Pinkie...ripped your armor off with her teeth. It's like it was glued to you, and no pony was able to take it off except Pinkie. She...uh...she wasn't gentle."

Okaaaay...? Right, awkward territory clothing is. Shining managed to gather himself again to get back to business.

"Back to what's at hoof. We have good news, and bad news."

"Bad news always first." I quickly blurt aloud.

"Celestia is here to see Ponyville's heroes. That means you."

"[¡Heeeey Macarena!]...I give up."

"I noticed that when we found you outside the Everfree. Why is your speech continuously censored?"

"You know what poison joke is?"

"Can't say I've heard the name. Why?"

"Poison joke is a very chaotic plant native to the Everfree. It did...more than I had expected."

"That's how you turned into a pony! But why would it limit your speech?"

"It's a joke. It does what it wants. So you said Celestia would be here, when should we expect her?"

*Knock*knock*

'Uh oh.'

Comments

[ShadedTz]

6669034 Sorry it took so long to respond.. but go into more detail with jumping around...?

[Azure5555]

6917668 I'll try.